I was entirely ignorant to kundalini when she swept me off my feet. I had only just begun meditating and was encouraged by the results. I noticed a small, tickling feeling of warmth in my mid-section and deliberately fostered that sensation. Brief periods of meditation would leave me feeling incredibly restored and invigorated.
One night, I was sitting happily on the center of my couch in my apartment, alone and high on marijuana, when I randomly thought of a friend and how easily we related to one another. Then I felt the world buckle, similar to how a droplet of water breaks the surface tension of the larger body, and I slipped into a trance-like state. Voices from my childhood confronted me, taunting me and asking if I thought I was a Buddha. I responded in my mind: am I? The voices rose to a chant and in that chant I heard the voices of my brothers and sisters. An intense feeling of compassion and sympathy tore me out of the trance state.
An indescribable light/electricity/energy lit my entire being, followed by silence. A pregnant pause as if to ask: are you ready? In retrospect, I most definitely was not. But the opportunity was presented, and I took it. It felt as though my brain itself were being immersed in cream soda. Every pore came alive.
The world was alive with so much wonder I could barely cope. The next day I confidently went into work and quit my job and spent the next week in bliss. It seemed as though the secrets of the world were unfolding at my slightest inclination. The sense of relief was enormous.
Then, in spectacular fashion, everything fell apart.
I was absolutely not prepared for this shift in understanding. An episode of egomania and thoughts of self harm ensued as frantic attempts to adopt ingrained belief systems to this radically new paradigm failed one after the other, eventually culminating in an episode of psychosis for which I was hospitalized. I cannot articulate the degree of confusion and distress that I needlessly endured. It is a wonder that I emerged with my sanity. A constant tingling throughout my skull, pressure at the forehead, intense dreams of white light awakening to a heart rate beyond normal limits, and what I would describe as a sense of intimacy with the divine seemed only to confirm what I was being told: that I was sick.
After being released from hospital, I began a desperate search for explanation. Though my confidence was shaken to its very core, that what I had experienced was pathological illness rang false in my heart. Seeing a chart that roughly outlined the locations of the chakras seemed to be a step in the right direction. Bizarre sensations that I had been experiencing throughout my body seemed to fall into a new matrix of understanding. I will do my best to describe them:
There is a sensation of a constantly cycling sprinkle of energy on the exterior of my skull. Very pleasant, but distracting.
The sensation at my forehead is quite active and likes to shift intensities. At times it is a focused and almost uncomfortable sensation; sometimes, it's like someone licked between my eyebrows and is blowing cool air, with tendrils of energy flowing out across the forehead.
In my solar plexus I can identify a "thrill" of energy. Imagine falling backwards in your chair, and turn the volume down on that sensation about halfway. When focusing on this area the sensation spreads upward and it almost feels like a panic attack.
In the pit of my abdomen there is what I would describe as a small bundle of warmth, love and joy. It seems to appreciate being focused on.
I cannot describe the sensation at the base of my spine.
All of this paints a pretty picture, but I find myself disabled by rushes of energy and pleasure, to the point where it is difficult to concentrate on basic tasks. In spite of the energy coursing through my body, I am frequently and inexplicably fatigued. Sleep is problematic and failing to get enough sleep increases the crown/third eye sensations to uncomfortable degrees. Difficult experiences/failures from my life seem to bubble up out of nowhere and force me to look at them.
So here's the million dollar question: am I in the throes of kundalini or am I simply a spiritual hypochondriac looking for answers?
