Raising Children

[Hunter]

Just before sitting down for meditation this evening a thought/feeling popped in: "You know, it is possible that I might raise children one day".
I am a lad of 22 and at this moment in my life I have no desire to help conceive and raise children but that could change at any moment, right?

I have some questions for all the mamas and daddies; I would like some schooling.

What am I supposed to do as a parent?
What are a parents' responsibilities?
Regarding yoga, do you teach your kids about meditation, cultivation, spiritual development, ethics and morals, etc? Or do you leave it be until they are much older (16 to 18 )?

I realize that the answers will vary according to each parent, each child, different situations; I am looking for general guidelines.

Thanks.

[Sparkle]

Hi Hunter

One very nice thing we did with our children when they were very young, was to tell them during ordinary conversation that they were not our children. Yes, kids, you don't belong to us.
They were quite taken aback by this, but when we explained - our theory - that they, in fact, chose us from the spirit realm, had a look at us and decided we were ok hehe!! (they had a great laugh about this)
I think we probably added that perhaps, both them and us agreed to the selection whilst in the spirit realm and also added that this is just our theory but it seems a nice one - what do you think kids?
They certainly liked the autonomy of it.

This small thing changed our relationship and gave them a sense of responsibility for being here in their own right. Just a simple thing that we don't own our children, they are simply in our care for a few years, and we do the best we can for them.

[scottfitzgerald]

Too bad none of us get a manual when they pop out...I looked around but the Doctor was too busy trying to get me to cut that cord.

I am a divorced father of some great kids.  My ex is taking them down the Independant Fundamental Baptist road and while they love me accept me, there is still derision about my spiritual path.  They KNOW THEY ARE ON THE ONLY CORRECT ROAD.

[scottfitzgerald]

oooooPS...Hit submit too quickly.

Anybody have to deal with this kind of thing before?  How do you discuss spirituality with a ten year old who is that ingrained in the legalism of a small, extremely fundamental church?


Now I can hit submit.

[emc]

(Pst, Scott, there's an "edit reply" button in the menue line of your post, which allows you to alter your message for a while after posting.)

[matangi]

Respond and discuss with love and acceptance.  It really is that simple.  You will teach them and show them more through an accepting and loving attitude than the most intelligent, fact-filled discussion ever will.    

Let's assume for a moment that the spiritual/religious path your children are on is "the only correct road" for them.  At least for now.  What peace of mind and comfort that "only correct" path must provide for them.  Stay open to their questions and avoid a defensive posture about your own path as is reasonable.  (And just think what great teachers they are for you IF they trigger defensive feelings!)

And I probably needed to note this first....no, I have not experienced this first hand.  When my past husband and I decided to part ways we remained friends and accepting of each other's right to choose, which of course set the tone for what our son experienced.  On a heart-basic level my ex and I have remained similar in our spiritual yearnings although they play out in quite different playgrounds.

My best to you as you make your way.

-m

[weaver]

Children and teenagers are often much more open to spiritual concepts than we may think. Especially young children are often interested in discussing non-material concepts, like God, angels, etc. When they become teenagers, they are in a phase of developing their intellect and logical reasoning skills, and are often very focused on the physical reality, and are often less interested in non-material concepts. However, they are very focused on self-transcendence, as also children of all ages of course are, and love to find ways of becoming better in things and are very open to see things in new and unconventional ways. They love challenges, and think the status-quo and mediocracy are boring. One essential aspect of the spiritual path is openness to see things in new ways, and young people have plenty of this.

It's very important not to try to impose our views on children, which they usually react against, especially teenagers, but rather present new possible ways of seeing things as invitations, by asking them what they think, and if they think it's possible that this or that can be the case. In giving them feedback on their behavior, instead of telling them straight, it often works well to ask them how they think it affects others. They are often very willing to see this, and usually correct themselves right away once they become aware of this. This can be made into a game as well, that they will have to guess what you think about their behavior in different situations. They pick this up very quickly and often align their behavior with your standard by just being more aware of what you expect, without having to tell them.

In all our interactions with children and teens, it's essential that they experience that we accept and care for them unconditionally. If they do, they will be open to our views, and are teachable. If they sense non-acceptance, they will tend to withdraw from us, and will turn more to their peers for communication and guidance.

One difficulty for children and teenagers in today's world is the amount of outer entertainments and material things created for the purpose of attracting their attention on these, which creates attachments that takes focus away from the spiritual aspects of life. As adults, it's very important for spiritual reasons that we don't leave our children and teens to become too absorbed in all of this without our active participation and intervention. If we are with them in their experiences, we can help them question what may be constructive vs. not, and we can help them put things in the proper perspective. With a little guidance, they can often be quite astute spiritually, and readily understand and be willing to apply moral and ethical principles in their lives. And, they don't hesitate to state to others what they believe is right or wrong.

[clk1710]

hunter, thanks for posting about this. i really enjoyed reading this thread as my husband and i are eager to start a family ourselves. thank you to everyone for your perspective on kids and parenting- a spiritual journey in itself i presume. i hear that one's life changes so completely and to be honest, my biggest concern is maintaining my sadhana..... any thoughts on that?? are there any new mothers here?

[yogani]

Hi All:

The most important message our children receive from us is in how we live our own life. Even if words are not spoken, our children know what we are up to, and that will be the influence they receive from us over the long term more than anything else.

Putting it in those terms might sound a bit scary. But, you know, our children are very smart. If we give them the opportunity, they will take the best from us, and let the rest go. Therefore, the next most important thing in parenting is to give our children the opportunity to choose as they grow up, in ways that are both progressive and safe. Not recklessly progressive and not suffocatingly safe. Hmmm ... self-pacing. If we can do that, they will bloom according to their own unique purpose.

As adults, it is important for us to know that, no matter how we were raised, we always have a choice for how we live our life and for how we relate to others, including our children. Spiritual practices can play a key role in this, providing for purification and opening to the divine within, from where all love and goodness come.

Marriage and having children is certainly spiritual practice also.

Btw, over here we are looking at children from a new angle. We have three grown sons, two are married, and we just welcomed our first grandchild. A second grandchild is due in a few months. More joy, with less work.

All the best!

The guru is in you

[yogani]

quote:Originally posted by clk1710

 I hear that one's life changes so completely and to be honest, my biggest concern is maintaining my sadhana..... any thoughts on that??

Hi CLK:

Yes, having children (and living the modern life-style in general) is a challenge for yogis and yoginis to keep up practices. This lesson is applicable: http://www.aypsite.com/plus/209.html

It is well worth the inconvenience in the long run. Much more is gained than is lost. Actively pursuing our passion in the world (whatever it may be) while keeping up practices is a very fast path. Maybe the fastest. Stillness in action!

The guru is in you.

[mikkiji]

After 9 years of marriage, my wife and I found out (after trying for several years) that we could not have children. We knew from the very start that one of the main reasons we were together was to raise children, and so this came as a huge shock to us--WHY were we together then?? At that time (early 70's), fertility treatments were very experimental, and after about a year of that, we gave up, turned about-face, and began adoption procedures. Our daughter arrived almost exactly 9 months later! Although not the child of our blood, she was, from the moment we first held her, the child of our karma.  No, they don't come with instruction manuals, but as parents, WE come with values, beliefs, families, experiences, memories and opinions.  These are the things we work hard to pass on to our children, as best we can, by creating an atmosphere filled with love, patience, tolerance, inquiry and curiosity. Certainly, life throws us curve-balls--our children never do exactly what we hope, and never react as we anticipate.  For many years, my now-17 year old son wanted to be an elementary school teacher. I encouraged that dream with great enthusiasm, but when he began middle school, he changed his mind--now he wants to be in business.  Well, I am a bit disappointed--the family dharma is teaching, but hey--he'll go where he goes, do what he does and make his own mistakes and decisions. I can only hope I have given him a level piece of ground to begin his life journey from. My daughter, now 25, took an almost opposite path--she worked as a stockbroker on Wall St. for 2 years after college graduation.  Now she's a doctoral fellow in Music, getting her PhD and anticipating teaching college after she's done. She's become, since college, conscious of how her life choices affect her environment and relationships, and has moved herself to become more in harmony with nature and with the silence underlying this noisy outer life. I'm very proud of her, and I think that the home she grew up in and the influence of me and my late wife, in providing a home she could evolve in, has been a great advantage to her. My boy is a work-in-progress, so we await his final form, but I have faith that he will eventually find his way, as did she.

Proud Papa,
Michael

[matangi]

On a lighter note, sometimes it is fun to ask a child 3-4 years old:  Who were you when you were big?  If you are sincere with a simple curiousity you may hear some interesting responses.  A general recap of a 4-year-old girl responding to that question.  

"They said I'm not posta say."  
Okay.  
"I was a very rich lady and I was mean."
Oh.  Do you have to be mean when you're rich?
With wide eyes "Noooooo.  That was bad."
Oh.
And then she was off onto another topic.

[Hunter]

Great responses; thank you.

[clk1710]

ok, maybe i'm bit computer illiterate, but how do you insert a quote that someone else said onto your response?? i've been meaning to ask...

anyway, Yogani, i completely agree with what you said about the most important message children receive from us is how we live our lives. i think that that is the perspective that pervades the yoga world in general and what makes me grateful to be a part of this community because i believe it all begins with ourselves and how we live our life and then it flows outward. unfortunately i feel that our society lives backwards in that respect. also i appreciate your reference to the importance of flexibility with our meditation practices. i have a tendency toward rigidity but i believe that the flexibility aspect is what allows these practices to be a long term practice rather than temporary. stuff comes up, emergencies, etc. and i agree that its important to be able to be flexible and gentle with ourselves when things come up that are beyond our control if we are going to sustain these practices over time. so thank you!

Mikkiji, sounds like you've done a great job raising your children and i'm sure your son will find his way- especially with a "proud papa"
thank you the rest of you for your responses!

[Bill]

I would not let your children watch tv, and don't watch either, at least when they are around.  When they are older they could watch age appropriate movies.  Read to them every night.  Play games.