Having kids and their effect on sadhana

[CarsonZi]

Namaste friends

I had someone send me a message yesterday asking a few questions about having kids and reconciling that with my sadhana.  I figured it might be worth posting some of the conversation here in case anyone else could find it helpful or wanted to comment.  So here it is:

"Q: ......wondering why to even have a child at all? How it will affect my sadhana? how it will increase my involvement in the world, enmesh me in with all the family members, etc.

Seeing that you have taken the faithful plunge, wondering if you might share some of your insights. How has it affect your practice? etc.

A: Why have a child? Well, I don't know that there is a why and if there is it is going to be personal/individual. But, for me, I think the reason I wanted to have a kid (before having Amrita) was simply because I like kids and I because I wanted to try and do a "better job" of raising her than my parents did raising me (I wanted to give another human being a better opportunity for enlightenment than I felt I had). I wanted to try and give her as clean a slate as I could, keeping the conditioning as minimal as possible, making enlightenment that much easier to awaken to. The reasons why I want to have children *post* having Amrita are completely different though. Now, I am thankful that I have one, and am excited to have #2 because they are truly the best spiritual teachers I've ever had and because they bring more joy into my life than I ever thought was humanly possible. Amrita is truly my guru. She is such a pure, clear mirror for me... by just watching and interacting with her I've learned more about myself than I had learned in about 15 years of active self-inquiry. She *is* pure awareness. She *is* complete presence. She *does* live in the here and now 24/7. What more could I ever want from a teacher!? Hahaha. She is a perfect example of what I want to be.

How will it affect your sadhana? Well, again I think that's going to be individual, but I can tell you how having a kid has affected my sadhana. Having Amrita has taken my sadhana from being "on the mat" and has brought it into every second of my life. Not that I wasn't engaged in yoga practice in one form or another during my daily life before having her, but having her has really solidified my practice between practice times and made it something absolutely constant. She has also changed the motivation for practice. My practices are no longer about "me" and "my enlightenment"..... now my practices (and my entire life) are no longer "about me" at all. A funny thing happens when you become a parent. Life is no longer "yours." Life expands to encompass (at least) your child (if not much more) as there is now someone who is completely dependent upon you. You begin to live your life for "others" and not for you alone. This was a dramatic shift for me and one I am extremely grateful to have had.

With regards to children "increasing your worldly involvement" etc... this is actually a complete blessing in my experience/opinion. Yoga, union, is not about decreasing worldly involvement at all... it is about being where you are... which *is* in the world. Having a child will most certainly cause you to have to be more "in the world," more Here. Another way of saying this is to say that having a child will likely increase the level of Presence that you will (have to) share, both with others as well as with yourself. As I said in our earlier conversation, enlightenment is the unification of our humanity and our divinity. The "human" part is the "worldy" part and it is half of the equation. Trying to escape the world or our humanity is to miss half of the enlightenment equation. Someone famous once said (I think it was Adyashanti) something like; "When you think you are enlightened go spend a month with your family... then you will know how enlightened you *really* are." Hahaha. And he's right. It's easy to "be enlightened" if you aren't engaged in the world. Being enlightened and still having a regular job, family, kids, dishes, yardwork, bills and all the other worldly duties to attend to (like changing diapers, trying to put your kids to bed, trying to get them to eat, trying to explain to your family why you choose to use homeopathic vaccinations and not western IV ones, etc etc etc) is a little more challenging.

So, in my opinion, having a kid is pretty much the most effective yoga practice I have ever engaged in (except perhaps DM). It's 24/7 yoga practice. I still manage to get in two (hour long, formal) yoga practices every day (thanks in part to my wife, who also gets two formal practices a day in... albiet her practices are much shorter than mine) so it's possible to continue with your yoga practices even with kids, it just requires some flexibility, some compromise and some sacrifice... all good things in my opinion."

Would be interested in hearing other's comments on how having kids has changed their yoga practice.

Much Love!

[kami]

How beautifully said, Carson! Very touching, and very true..

Just this morning, as I was waking up my daughters for the day, I was filled (and overwhelmed) with total gratitude to just stand by their bed and watch them sleep. There truly isn't another experience that compares to parenthood. My girls are my greatest teachers - they are wise beyond their years, (my 9-year old is incredibly kind, loving, gentle, gives with all her heart and doesn't expect anything in return and takes everything in her stride while her younger sister is the sweetest and most affectionate, albeit bratty little kid!) and I'm of the strong belief that they were sent to me just so I could advance on this path I frequently tell them how grateful I am that they chose me to raise them. And that without them, I wouldn't have known that such love was even possible.

In my case, I took up spiritual practices shortly after my younger daughter was born (she is 6), so I don't have a comparison of "what it was like" in terms of trudging along on this path before kids. With a full-time busy career, a husband with a busy career and frequent travel and two young kids, it is *very* challenging to stick to a routine. But like you say, it just requires some flexibility, compromise and sacrifice. In this case, sacrifice of sleep, over-scheduling the family for social activities, and cutting out unnecessary distractions.. I still manage to get in twice-daily practices, and whenever I can't, fit in at least a few minutes of DM at work.. But its really how my family contributes to my growth "off the mat" that is incredible My kids watch every move I make, and mimic everything I do (I see it when they role play ), which forces me to live "true". With their innocence and interest in every little thing, they force me to stay present. They see me struggle through things at times, and they also see the benefits on them, their dad and me when I am able to "let go". They see how human and vulnerable I am when I'm sad or upset - I apologize frequently and mean it, and tell them we can find out something together if I don't know the answer. Recently, I overheard my older daughter advising her little sister about an upcoming test, "If I were you, I'd just do my best and then forget about it".. If that's not karma yoga and renunciation of action (Bhagavad Gita, chapter 4), I don't know what is

BTW Carson, I think it was Ram Dass who said that about spending time with your family if you think you're enlightened. I think the specific term was "your parents"

Love,
kami

[jeff]

Thank you both Carson & Kami for sharing.  I would agree completely.

The only thing I would add is that my children taught me the true meaning of the word "Love".  Just giving...

[Shanti]

Carson, Kavitha and Jeff...
Thank you for the awesome posts!!!
Touched my heart.
_/\\_