Family, Addiction, and Spiritual Leverage

[Bodhi Tree]

I've been living with my mom and twin brother for several months now. My brother continues to struggle with alcoholism (drinking excessively, to the point of losing control of his primary bodily functions--urination!), and my mom has been a closet drinker for years. I've been sober for almost a year now, and it was AA that got me rolling full-steam on this spiritual path. But I did plenty of damage while I was in the trap of addiction. It was divinity and an inner longing that pulled me out and helped rediect my energy to a higher path.

Last week I decided to fast and told the two of them that I would not eat until they both attended an AA meeting. It worked. They both went, but just last night, my brother went out drinking again. This morning I threw some cold water in his face and demanded he clean up the soiled couch.

I use samyama--saying his name and releasing it to stillness. I don't ever want to resort to violence, but intuitively, I also sense that my anger is a call to action, hence my decision to fast, throw water in his face, and even restrain him physically when he has outbursts. Samyama and my daily AYP practice are certainly action, but I know there is certain kind of "tough love" that has to be used--by demanding some sanity in the household.

Any words of wisdom/feedback/shared experiences regarding the balance between releasing these matters to stillness, exercising tough love, drawing boundaries, and acting with right conduct--would be greatly appreciated!

[jeff]

Bodhi Tree,

It is a very difficult situation to be in.  I am sure it is very frustrating. But, think about it, and see if your threatening to fast is an act of anger towards yourself and them.  We all want to help others, but as you have seen in your own case, people have to want to do it themselves.  In the end, we can only change ourselves.

Peace & Love.

[Bodhi Tree]

Thank you, Jeff, your post rings true. Change comes from within.

But I also fasted for the spiritual purpose of cleansing my digestive track and relieving the craving for food. I was kind of saying to them--join me in healthy restraint and purification. I hope it was not some egotistical, martyr fantasy I was acting upon, but rather an exemplary model and expression of the possibilities of devotion to a higher path. Trying to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

But the change must come from within, for sure. Yet, in my case, it was losing my wife, and feeling that pain, along with an inner longing for a stronger foundation, that precipitated some change of conduct in me.

Do you think conduct can help spark inner change (inspiration) in family members?

[riptiz]

Hi Bhodi tree,
Hats off to you.I had one of my sisters living with me for about 1 yr and she is an alcoholic.Therefore I understand your frustration and sorrow at their self destructive ways.As you know you cannot force others but I think others are certainly inspired by how we awaken and change. Carry on and best of luck.
L&L
Dave

[jeff]

Bodhi Tree,

Seeing (and feeling) the change in you is very powerful.  As an example.  As you know, it is hard to overcome addiction, without hitting bottom.  Everyone has there own bottom, so try not to get caught up in them finding their own; and take care of yourself.

This may sound cold to some... But the first step of spiritual growth, doesn't involve other people... It is easy to say, but very hard to do[]  It is just learning to "like yourself".  Do that and it is worth more than 10 years of meditating.

Peace & Love.

[Bodhi Tree]

Right on, Jeff and Dave. Thank you for the encouragement and resonance of truth.

[cosmic]

Bodhi, my heart goes to you and your family. I know it can hurt to watch loved ones struggle with self destructive habits. It's still their struggle and journey to make, but your love and devotion to them will be felt on some level and can be a source of strength.

quote:Originally posted by Bodhi Tree

Any words of wisdom/feedback/shared experiences regarding the balance between releasing these matters to stillness, exercising tough love, drawing boundaries, and acting with right conduct--would be greatly appreciated!

Wish I had something to offer. Loving conduct that is also wise is something I grapple with myself. You seem to be doing fine in that area. I admire your devotion to your family and higher ideals, brother

Best wishes for the highest spiritual outcome. You and your loved ones are in my prayers.

With Love
cosmic

[cosmic]

P.S. - Today I learned a heartfelt lesson.

Love knows the way <3

[Bodhi Tree]

quote:Originally posted by cosmic

P.S. - Today I learned a heartfelt lesson.

Love knows the way <3

Yes, indeed, love is a much more powerful fuel than anger. I've been learning that lesson too. Thank you for the affirmation, Cosmic.

[lmaher22]

What a horrible way to live!My family and myself lived the same way. My heart goes out to you. The tangle of emotions, the useless blaming while trying to stay sober yourself as everyone around you is drinking. Lord! The buddha said life is suffering, for some more than others it seems but I think you are very lucky to find the Yogani forum and way of life so early on. It may not seem like it now but all of this will pass. Try some Al Anon meetings to go with your AA meetings. And please remember that alcoholism is the about the only disease where if the cure fails we blame the patient.

[bewell]

quote:Originally posted by Bodhi Tree

I've been living with my mom and twin brother for several months now.

Hi Bodi Tree,

As I read this conversation, I noticed a lot of wisdom being shared, but one thing that was not discussed is how long you plan to live there.  Do you have an exit plan?

Be

[Bodhi Tree]

LOL--I have an exit plan, but I also have a high tolerance and resolve to stay and support them in a non-aggressive way. They're definitely showing signs of improvement, and I have to give them more credit for what progress they've made.

I need to flip the script on myself and ask, "How can I more improve my own yamas/niyamas, instead of trying to change theirs?" Thank you for the support.

[Kahlia]