Flow of Life and not meditating.

[karl]

This is a difficult post to write.

It's a legacy of sorts, an Epitaph perhaps and I'm not sure if it guides or, hinders and for some strange reason I feel compelled to write it.

It is said that the only real knowledge is true knowledge and it has to come from somewhere else, somewhere inside.

A matter of a few weeks ago I ceased formal meditation completely. It seemed right to do so. It was like depending on a wheel chair for a year until I realised I could walk.

It seems absurd that I didn't realise that I could walk unaided which does make me chuckle

I know things now that I have never read or heard. Like finding a new emotion, it cannot be explained it just is what it is.

For those that have read this far it probably prompts far more questions than it does answers, because I really don't have any and that makes me laugh even more because I realise the futility of looking for answers and asking questions, although I had to go through it to find out that the answer is 'there is no answer because there is no question', both burn up as they cancel each other out.

So, that's probably made things worse right now. One of those strange and frustrating things that you read and begin to hate instantly because it contains zero information, zero help.

In a word it's useless. But you should know that it was never meant to point a way out, because you were never in anything that needs getting out of. It's meant to frustrate, to drive you to the edge of dispair into a madness and frenzy in order to find what you never lost and never had. A riddle that leaves only one conclusion and is bounded neither by time, will, intelligence or strength because it will smash all those to pieces and reveal them for the total illusion they really are.

When I was done with the thrashing about trying to control, to realise, to find, I walked right to the edge and peered at the machinery that spins with a furious and seemingly lethal force, creation itself. An ustoppable and timeless maelstrom of pure energy, the universe in motion both violent and beautiful at the same time and as I looked into the heart of the thing it suddenly made perfect sense. This huge terrifying monster lying in the abyss was a perfect reflection. This was my vision and it may not make any sense, but in that one pure moment I found perfect peace.

Now I listen to what is being taught, I have given up all pretence of control, submitted, accepted it all like a child because there was never really anything else that I could do. It's just like going to school for the first time and learning the lessons and being an attentive pupil. Like school, it's not real, it's just an environment containing all the things I need for the moment and only for the moment. No reason and no rhyme to it because none are needed.

So, does that mean I advocate stopping meditation ? No, absolutely not, it's personal, the Guru is truly inside.

My experience is that it hurts, it's painful and no one can tell you exactly what you need to do to lessen the pain. Like birth it is just something you have to go through and make it right for yourself.

It will become excrutiating, not in a physical sense although that is how it might manifest with some, for me it was mental torture.

Do whatever you need to do until you can accept that pain unconditionally. I had to walk to the edge, to accept that I might fall, the closer I got, the more pain I suffered and it takes huge desire to take those final steps when it's far easier to just turn away.

So, is that it for me ? Have I reached the goal, got the prize has everything magically changed?

No,no and definitely not. Just the beginning of a timeless, spaceless experience. Like going to school for the first time and having a screaming tantrum, scared of being alone in a new place, not knowing what to do, why or where to do it and then realising it's just easier to let it happen and begin really learning for the first time, in a place that is a fun and stimulating environment. Now I will study hard, listen, be quiet, be a good pupil and enjoy the experience because that's what's on offer right now.

That's how it is now. It's different for everyone I might imagine.

[AYPforum]

Moderator note: Topic moved for better placement