Dear friends,
Much of our beloved world is entrapped in a vicious circle of hate. People pass enmities to their children and neighbors, but also keep reminding their enemies of perpetual hostile intent. If transmission of the hostilities is the essence of its preservation, then there must be a means to cessate it. However, refusal to express hatred outwards is hardly a sufficient move to extinguishing the fury.
Sadness is surprisingly easy to deal with when compared to hatred. How does the individual deal with hate? Essentially a resurfacing rage is repressed emotion, but I for one feel that my current methods are not sufficient to release it. Yet processing the emotion is vital: for all the inmates sitting for violent crime, I don't believe they are like that by their true nature. The flames of rage do not subdue by more violence, but often it seems that the society with its strategies of separation and institutionalization only encourages that hopeless action. Everything that happens is by the way of necessity, but a lot of unnecessary suffering is produced by the belief into the lasting and righteous condemnation.
I was always taller and stronger than everyone else, but I never used that as an advantage to get onto anyone. However, my lack of interest into discrimination and intimidation was understood as a sign of weakness that was mercilessly exploited. Because of family issues, it was simply something I couldn't have dealt with. Some might say such a terrible treatment for many years leads into bitterness, but I don't think so. There is no particular sense of vengeance or retribution, but there is a heightened will to kill. When my rage erupts, it's always nothing less than a murderous intent. There is never malice or desire to "get even" by any sort of material recompensation; only death is real.
One time in the childhood a boy provoked me to almost beating him into pulp by a bat. Only parental intervention prevented that; there's nothing I could've done to prevent it. Yet in general I must suffer the folly of those who think indimidation makes things any better, for reacting to that could easily lead into criminal charges. As a result, I almost daily experience violent thoughts, day dreams, etc. It's a very morbid state of mind, and if it's not satisfied, there comes the desire for violent self-harm, usually biting the fingers off.
Dreams of bestial metamorphosis and interest into powerful imaginery of antagonistic mythology spotted my youth. These were both frightful and attractive topics because the enticing and exstatic presence of violent intent was there. It's strange how the subtler forms of hate subdue the personality and its hurts, while tapping into a source of perfect alienation. This rational and calculating aspect of hate is the same that turns nations to cinder. No wonder violence may appear as an easy way out.
I've come to think of the hatred as a cunning beast that lurks in the forest near my home. If I must cross the forest to get home, then I will certainly have to face the beast. What results is that I either retreat in fear or fight the beast and become alike to it. But right and wrong are as meaningless buzz as good and evil. I'm tired of reacting. If I meet the beast once again, I won't fight back or run, even if it meant death.
The abyss beckons.
