Yogaman's journal

[Yonatan]

That's good Yogaman

[Yogaman]

Been struggling with some depression over the past few weeks. It goes up and down in terms of intensity. The one practice I've maintained is my meditation sits. I do realize I am putting somewhat of an expectation for outcome on this, hoping for some cessation of the depression. But I do it more to maintain the practice as well as not fall into a slump of inactivity — that can spiral into a deeper negative mindset.

I've also found myself experimenting with kechari mudra over the past couple weeks. Mostly outside of my sits. I'm not sure why but I got the urge to research in depth a week or so ago. I seem to be able to reach stage 2 with ease now, and I've little besides help things along with the index finger. Now I can just do so with the tongue alone. I don't really experience anything when I do it besides a slight stinging in the throat/nasal passage. I can't really breath through the nostrils while I do this so I am not sure how I would be able to maintain this during pranayama or meditation.

[Yogaman]

Had a thought during tonight's sit that I keep hoping for a "save point", like in a video game, when I really reach a deep calm state

Was also reflecting during the post-sit rest about a bit of self-righteousness I've had since starting out on this process. A lecture by Manly P. Hall brought the thought to mind. I was listening to it today on a bike ride. He was specifically talking about the feeling of isolation, and I have definitely been guilty of steering clear of certain situations and people because they are not "ready for change" and looking to improve themselves, etc. It's a fine line between staying away from negative influences, and completely staying away from entire situations. Something I still need to work on.

[Yogaman]

I've been having early-morning wake ups for the past week or so. They seem to coincide with this recent depression I've been dealing with for the last few weeks. Last night/morning, I woke with some very intense energy sensations throughout the body. At the time I felt as if it had something to do with meditation/kundalini but the experience wasn't very specific as far as the location of the sensations. There was a pulsation that coincided with my pulse, but could have been related to the elevated heart rate. There was some unease and slight anxiety related to it. It was a very odd feeling,tough to describe exactly.

Meditations have been going well otherwise. I seem to have finally found a comfortable position for siddhasana. My pranayama has been going more fluidly too, I've been a bit less intense on the sambhavi mudra and mula bandha. I think I was too focused on doing them tightly. I'm also allowing the spinal breathing to be a bit more relaxed too. I used to be very specific with imagining the sensation traveling the spine.

[Yonatan]

That's good to hear Yogaman (that you're more easy with the practices), as you can imagine if you're easy with the practices this being easy with it is probably projecting onto the rest of your life too, or will be.

Love!!

[Yogaman]

The depression seems to have lifted a couple days ago. Been in a very positive mood despite a lingering cold or something that reared back up. I'm totally fine with that, much rather have the depression gone! I met with some friends last night. It was the first time I've had beer in a month, with only 2 pints the earlier time (and a 2-month hiatus prior to that). I really felt awful today. I woke early with an elevated heart rate and headache, and a general hangover. I'd only had 4 beers in 5 hours with plenty of water. I now recall why I took leave of beer in the first place. I didn't really miss it all that much to be honest. It has made me aware of how many of my relationships and many social gatherings focus on alcohol though. It has changed which people I spend time with lately for sure.

On the meditation front, I've upped my spinal breathing to 10 minutes from 5. I did 9 months of 5 minutes. I feel like it was a good choice, it gives me more time to get into the groove and I am starting to get a better flow and rhythm with it along with sambhavi and mula. Had some wonderful sits both times today. I felt like I had "found" the way to focus, and it was more "right here all along" than I had imagined before. Will see how things go though. Regardless, today's sits were quite good.

I was doing some reading over at http://www.swamij.com this weekend. I'd bookmarked his site to read later but had never gotten around to it. He has some nice articles on there and I feel they are a nice companion to the AYP lessons and books. Swami J has a very "scientific" approach to his writing, but in a good way. Very clear and aiming for being descriptive. Some of his stuff helped me grasp some concepts I was a bit cloudy on from other reading. IN particular I was curious about the distinctions between concentration, meditation and samadhi, which I feel I understand now (on an abstract, intellectual level at present).

Daniel Ingram's "Mastering The Core Teachings of the BUddha" led me to the differences between concentration and insight, and I liked his stages/levels approach. It just helps me get a mental "flow chart" of things. Swami J seems to like to present the information this way as well, which is most likely why it resonated with me.

I am looking forward to my sits this week, with the longer spinal breathing, the comfortable siddhasana pose established, and best of all the depression gone.

[Yogaman]

quote:Originally posted by Yonatan

That's good to hear Yogaman (that you're more easy with the practices), as you can imagine if you're easy with the practices this being easy with it is probably projecting onto the rest of your life too, or will be.

Love!!

That would be a wonderful side-effect!

[chinmayo]

I know the feeling you have on beer. I also avoid drinking nowadays for that very same reason. Even two beers a night can be too much, so it's better to stick with one or no alcohol at all. And I don't even like the drunkennes anymore actually. The downside of course is, that I do like the tast of some beers quite a lot. Maybe then drink only half-pint of the favorite one and drink tea for the rest of the night or something?

[Yogaman]

quote:Originally posted by chinmayo

I know the feeling you have on beer. I also avoid drinking nowadays for that very same reason. Even two beers a night can be too much, so it's better to stick with one or no alcohol at all. And I don't even like the drunkennes anymore actually. The downside of course is, that I do like the tast of some beers quite a lot. Maybe then drink only half-pint of the favorite one and drink tea for the rest of the night or something?

Fortunately for me I never really cared much for the taste anyways. I'm not sure yet if it was the alcohol alone or perhaps a food sensitivity to an ingredient (I've discovered via elimination diet that I am sensitive to something related to grains/wheat/starch). My experiment without drinking for a while has taught me that I can definitely not drink and in fact I feel so much better without it. I also am seeing how I was using it for a social anxiety crutch.

[Yogaman]

I woke early this morning with a very strange energy throughout my body. It was subtly sexual at first, but still was throughout the body. It was also a bit uncomfortable, in an anxiety/nausea way. Not overpowering but enough to just feel weird. Some pressure/energy in the head/forehead. A few spasms.

I've not been feeling well so it could be related to that. But it wasn't a typical achy flu experience. It was quite unique and weird. Not sure if related to the meditation or not. I still have some leftover feelings of it now, but not as encompassing as when it jolted me awake in the early morning hours. I keep thinking of my extended spinal breathing time, and reports of initial kundalini experiences. I can say that it was in no way blissful or pleasant.

[Yogaman]

I was experimenting with mula bandha while driving this afternoon and I feel as if I finally found the right spot. I'm sure practice and conditioning the muscles in the area takes some time. The odd thing is that I feel as if I found this spot before, but lost it. Once employed, it can remain active with little effort or thought. This leads me to believe I've conditioned myself properly.

I've also been able to reach some quite profound levels of body stillness this past week or so during my meditations. Really good sits lately.

[Yogaman]

Still having some deep stillness during my sits. I've had some odd anxious feelings in the gut as of late for no reason. Also coolness to the skin and hands/feet. Could just be this cold weather!

This afternoon, I had the sensation of a large bug flying/buzzing near my ear. It freaked me out. There was nothing there. Was like a big moth or small bird fluttered its wings right by my head and flew off. Very brief, very distinct.

Automatic yoga has settled down a bit during my meditations. I have been noticing "energy" that leans towards the pain side of things. Nothing serious, but it's not a pleasurable energy like the searching energy related to the automatic yoga. I find myself sinking deeply into the stillness quite readily when I start my meditations. As if the body is eager to begin.

The cool sensations I mentioned earlier are also noticeable when not meditating, and often it is experienced in the nostrils while breathing. My sensation of the incoming air is quite pronounced. Even just paying a bit of attention to the breath during the day will put me into a slight reverie.

With the deep stillness during sits, I feel as if I've reached a new stage with the practice. Keeping the mind still is much easier when I reach this body stillness, and that is becoming more and more natural to sink into.

[Yogaman]

I feel as if I've lost some momentum in my sits after a trip out of town last week to visit family. I'm slowly getting back into the groove though. It's tough meditating while traveling, at least for me.

I've been reading quite a bit of esoteric kundalini-based articles as of late, and some related videos online. The most interesting thing I've come across is the Toaist "inner landscape" and "inner alchemy". Basically the Chinese versions of chakras, kundalini and such. I stumbled across that after looking for further info on manly P. Hall's "Occult Anatomy", which is an imaginative way to look at things.

Meditation experiences haven't changed much since the last description. Automatic yoga and the "searching energy" has toned down somewhat as of the most recent sits.

Definitely feel like I am going through a "nothing is happening" stage. It's funny how on one hand we are told "it's subtle, and you'll see small changes in your everyday life", but then you read the AYP books and forums and people are talking about ecstatic conductivity, kundalini firehoses, unending deep stillness and bliss. Can seem a bit contradictory.

I'm sticking with things as I enjoy the sits and the habit. But I will admit that I do have a desire for more validation that I am headed in the right direction.

[chinmayo]

Hello, good to hear from you also!

For me, the automatic yoga and other kundalini "symptoms" have disappeared also, but I think that the sitting itself is becoming more and more enjoyable still. It's actually easier to sit when you are not constantly having something going on distracting from the actual practise :-)

Are you doing any physical yoga before the sitting? I found, that by doing some asanas before the sit actually help. Moreover, some asanas, when done correctly, increase the strenght of the spine making the seated meditation less of a burden and for me, it has helped to rid the back pain I used to get while sitting.

Blessed love!

[Yogaman]

quote:Originally posted by chinmayo

Hello, good to hear from you also!

For me, the automatic yoga and other kundalini "symptoms" have disappeared also, but I think that the sitting itself is becoming more and more enjoyable still. It's actually easier to sit when you are not constantly having something going on distracting from the actual practise :-)

Are you doing any physical yoga before the sitting? I found, that by doing some asanas before the sit actually help. Moreover, some asanas, when done correctly, increase the strenght of the spine making the seated meditation less of a burden and for me, it has helped to rid the back pain I used to get while sitting.

Blessed love!

Thank you for the comments! I have been doing the AYP "asana starter kit" before sits, probably about a month now. I also do mula banda during spinal breathing, as well as the breath constriction on exhale (I forget the name). I've put sambhavi mudra on hold while I make mula bandha more natural and effortless. I had been doing that for a small while.

But I agree, the automatic yoga was exciting at first, but quickly became a distraction. I take the reduction in its effects as a good sign, but it also was a nice external validation for a skeptical mind