One thing I wanted to include about my progress in this journey is my concern about isolation. I tend to be one of those people who really gets into a thing when I get into it. This can also result in dropping it once the novelty wears off, a sure sign of a dabbler.
But I am pretty focused on meditation right now. It's been an interest of mine for much longer than the past year, I just never saw myself seriously putting in the time, and more importantly, didn't know if I saw myself as "that guy".
Over the years, and especially with a switch to working for myself from home, I've found myself shunning my old social outlets. These were centered on drinking and other partying situations. I've lost the interest in these things more and more, and therefore in the those people. The cognitive dissonance is just too much to be at a bar on on a back porch while everyone drinks and does other drugs to intoxication and beyond. I'm not even against it all, it's just lost interest for me.
However, this has severely limited my socializing as it was all based on these types of get-togethers. I'm slowly realizing I never really cultivated a lot of interests or social outlets beyond going to the bar or a party.
With the addition of these yoga practices, my interests align with a very narrow band of topics — or better said, a different band of topics — than your average person would be up for discussing in casual conversation.
I'm not much of a sports guy, a pop culture guy, a current events guy, a news guy or a politics guy. I'm much more on the action side, especially personal exploration and self-improvement. Philosophy, nature, hiking/biking, etc.
Since picking up the meditation and especially since starting AYP, I've noticed a change in myself that is best described as the old, false persona I used to believe I had to maintain is slowly evaporating. I find myself worrying less about what I think I should be doing, and doing what I feel I want (something I've ignored for years, trying to fit in).
I still struggle with this at times, feeling as if I am "missing out" or letting the world pass me by. Being single and childless, I am also a bit on the outside of the experience of many of my friends, and most people near my age in general.
One big downside to this is that you discover very quickly how abrupt the end of a friendship can happen. If not maintained constantly, many casual (and even those you thought were deep) friendships can dissipate within weeks. Many friendships are based on proximity, regular repetition, and convenience.
I've changed a lot of other habits in the months since picking up AYP: healthier eating (whole foods approach), exercise, less alcohol, quit the electronic cigarette that helped me quit smoking, quit using pornography and have dramatically lessened masturbation (I've not been in a relationship in many years).
These changes, along with the meditation focus, definitely make me feel a bit on the fringe. Those feelings of being an outsider make me less interested in socializing in the old haunts as they just make the contrast more dramatic and remind me how much I don't fit in. And with my lack of cultivation of other social outlets (as well as any ideas of how to forge new outlets), I'm finding myself more and more isolated. My relationships are deeper with friends I connect more closely with, and I spend more time with these people than in the past.
Still, I sometimes worry I am isolating myself from lighter and more "fun" outlets, in addition to limiting my chance of meeting someone with whom I could start a relationship.
I worry sometimes this quest for truth through meditation and yoga might just be swapping one set of problems for another.
Some may say the answer is "balance", but I went through a period of meditation and exercise last year while still trying to keep those old social outlets going, and it just felt so forced I eventually sunk back into a depression, gave up all those beneficial activities, and isolated myself once again. Not one to give up, I got back on track at the start of 2013 again.
Interestingly, when in a good mood (and this summer I was in some of the best moods I can recall in a long time), I didn't find myself feeling as if I were "missing out", even though my situation is no different than it is today. I find myself more concerned about the isolation when in a low mood, but also had some concerns when I was in a good mood that perhaps it wasn't healthy to not be concerned about the social connections.
A bit confusing perhaps, but it plays a big factor in my meditation practices and my persistence and dedication to it.