Difficult Choices - marriage vs career/family

[armani]

I am currently faced with a difficult choice of marrying someone and relocating. And I will have to leave my career and my parents for that. I feel I am currently in the right track for my career and would hate to just relocate as it took me quite a bit to get to where I am. The person I plan to marry does not wish to ever relocate and my career opportunities at his place are minimal. Should I just give up what I like to do and change the course of my life?

[Etherfish]

I think it is unlikely that you would be happy making that choice. I believe career is very important in your life, and very few people can get along without it and still be fulfilled. I wouldn't try to force your mate to relocate either since they don't want to. It sounds quite risky marrying someone under these conditions. I think it would be wiser to put off the marriage, and try to make more of a gradual change. Maybe visit them as often as possible, and at the same time investigate career possibilities where they are. maybe there is an alternate career that you could pursue where they live that would be almost as good as your current one. Maybe something you haven't even considered yet.
Your mate should be able to understand your dilemma, and help you to come up with alternative possibilities instead of expecting you to give up everything while they refuse to give up anything at all for you.

[armani]

Hi Etherfish,
Thanks for your response. Yes, I have explained or tried to explain him several times that I would like to be here long-term (short-term i think things don't make so much of a difference). However, on matters of relocation, he is quite adamant..almost that I do not fully understand this resoluteness...as to why would someone want to spend all their lives only living at one place. I, on the other hand, like to live where I have my family and where I can find work that I can enjoy..other than that location does not mean much to me. I am just not sure what God wants of me and I am unable to decide one way or the other. But, I know that I would definitely like to get married..as I would love to have a family of my own and also I believe that marrying at the right time is important as it helps you get started on your path (of managing your own family etc. which involves planning things etc.). My biggest issue I believe is indecision on this matter, I am not able to choose one way or the other. And I would like to eradicate this indecision.

[weaver]

Armani said:
I know that I would definitely like to get married..as I would love to have a family of my own

Hi Armani and welcome to the forum!

Yes, this is understood. However, getting married is one of the biggest decisions we do in life. It will affect both ourselves and, later, our kids, in a major way. So, if it's going to work out well, it needs to be a mature decision, that we do without any sense of rush. It's very important that we marry someone who we can get along with well. Besides love, there must also be mutual respect and willingness to consider what is best for the other person. Actually, one aspect of love is to care about and want what is best for others. One measure of your partner's love for you would be to want you to be happy as well, including where you live and how your career can work out for you.

Have you considered that if a person is unwilling to compromise or be open to your considerations in one area (about who will or will not move), could possibly be unwilling to compromise in other areas of life as well (that may not come up until later) that the two of you will share. Would that work for you?

If there is hesitation it's better to wait to find a resolution than to make a big change that may not be what we really want. We sometimes have to go deep inside ourselves to find solutions. When we find them we will be at peace, and make can balanced decisions based on them. If you are on the spiritual path and use spiritual techniques, like meditation, then this will also help you to gradually see things in a bigger perspective. There is a resolution to your situation as well, that will be the optimum for you and your partner. And you can find this together. It will usually be easiest to find the right solutions if the main concern of all involved parties will be what is best for them all, and for their relationship, rather than what is best for just oneself.

And, I also agree with what Ether said above.

Hope it works out for you!

[yogibear]

Hi armani,

Welcome to the forum. The thought struck me that you are just as adament as your fiance about where to live. Well, maybe not quite as, because you are at least considering the move.

I don't know what his reasons are for wanting to stay put but it sounds like you want to stay put just as much as he, but you are more flexible. Your reasons for wanting to stay where you are, are understandable. Maybe he has the same or similar reasons?

In this situation, it sounds like somebody has to give. Unless you can meet half way somehow.

It is like eating ice cream too much and wanting to lose weight at the same time. It is one or the other. You have to decide which is more important to you. In other words, you have to look at your  desires and sort thru them and decide what you desire most and follow that impulse. If you desire to be with him the most, you will move and try to create a career and family from scratch. If your current job and family are more important to you, you will stay where you are and find another guy who wants the same as you.

If you said, "Sorry, I am staying where I am at," I wonder what his response would be?

Tough one. Good luck with it.

Just my thoughts.

Best wishes, yb.

[Suryakant]

quote:Originally posted by armani

I am currently faced with a difficult choice of marrying someone and relocating. And I will have to leave my career and my parents for that. I feel I am currently in the right track for my career and would hate to just relocate as it took me quite a bit to get to where I am. The person I plan to marry does not wish to ever relocate and my career opportunities at his place are minimal. Should I just give up what I like to do and change the course of my life?

Hi armani, welcome to the Forum.

quote:Originally posted by armani

 ... on matters of relocation, he is quite adamant..almost that I do not fully understand this resoluteness...as to why would someone want to spend all their lives only living at one place. I, on the other hand, like to live where I have my family and where I can find work that I can enjoy..other than that location does not mean much to me.

If your prospective spouse makes it absolutely clear to you that he will never, under any circumstances, ever consider your feelings in this matter, you would be well-advised to think twice before marrying him.

I am a happily married man, and my beloved wife and I recently celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary.

Best wishes,
Suryakant

[armani]

Thanks all for your replies Yes, he would never ever move under any circumstance as he has stated to me that he wishes to settle there permanently and for retirement also he has a definite place in mind that he will settle permanently at. If I were to say I stay where I am, then he will not marry me and thats 100%.

[Etherfish]

Armani, again I think you should explore the possibilities more. While keeping firmly in mind the concept that if he is adamant in one area he may be unforgiving in others, test that theory in case it may not be true.
Then try to find alternative ways to make the relationship work just to see if it is possible.

When I come up against such a difficult situation, I pray for an answer. If you sit down and generate all the emotion of wanting to know if he is right for you, then let it go completely, you will get an answer. Have faith that the answer is being generated, and if it pops in your mind again, tell yourself it's being taken care of, and forget it again. With me the answer doesn't come with God talking to me, but he puts me in a situation where i can see the truth.

But meanwhile, you should be able to tell if he is right for you by having him help you work out alternatives. Maybe he doesn't like you having a career? I would find out through conversation if this may be true. Don't just ask him outright. You have to dance around the subject by talking all about your career and the future of it. Then he will give signs of how he feels. And if he truly loves you, he will help you resolve this issue. Of course there is the possibility that he truly loves you but has some psychological block that he can't help. This is what you need to find out.
This may be a cultural issue also. There are many places in Europe and UK where people just don't move. Families stay in one area for many generations, and if he is in that situation it is perfectly understandable.