Well, my dears - what a long, strange trip it's been! This blog post pretty much summarizes what has happened since I first set out to "manifest" my new studio on the beach, and subsequent events since my last post here in August:
Dharma, Desire and The Death of a Dream.
Within a year of stating my intent, I managed to "manifest" about 8 new yoga studios on the beach - none of which is mine.
I've had to go back to my medical transcription job, along with my psychic and counseling jobs, and I have no time or energy to teach yoga. The good news is, my boss said I can have the Orofacial Surgery and Orthopedic accounts, so I don't have to do Oncology. I don't know if she had read any of my rants about how Oncology is a scam from hell, or if she was just sympathetic, knowing what I went through when my stepmother died from chemo last fall, but either way, I was relieved. I mean, sure, I can do all kinds of Jedi mind tricks on myself to be able to do it - like, using it as a meditation on the impermanence of the body, etc. - but I'd rather not have to. Plus, as I said, there are karmic implications to receiving money from involvement in it...
I also decided to go back to school to get certified in medical coding and billing, for which I'm told there is a big demand now with Obamacare being implemented and lots of new people getting insurance, plus we are upgrading our coding system in America and there will be a frantic rush to get everything converted over and they need a lot of people to do it. Learning the coding should be as easy as falling off a log since I've been working in medicine for 21 years and already very familiar with most of it - IF I can find time! I signed up over a month ago and I've been swamped with work and exhausted, so have not gotten to it yet. But I will.
As discussed in the above blog, I was shocked at first, and then angry, and went through the various stages of mourning when it became clear that not only would I not be able to make a living teaching yoga, and nor could I pay the bills doing anything else that I really enjoy, but also, I would be left with no time or energy to teach yoga! I had tried so many things - personal training, holistic wellness, psychic (reading tarot), counseling, house cleaning, painting and design, teaching horseback riding - all of which fell flat. I really didn't want to go back into mainstream medicine but I was left with no viable alternative. And guess what, contrary to what some people continue to assert, I am in fact not the one driving this chariot.
And since the only thing I really have any desire to "do" in this world is to teach yoga, I have no particular desire to go on living, and I just look forward to a happy death. Now, I know that sounds morbid but really it is very freeing. There is nothing holding me here.
Of course, this brings up the whole issue of, why must we spend the vast majority of our waking existence slaving away at a job that we don't enjoy (what Karl Marx called, "the alienation of labor") merely in order to survive, and to what end?! But that's kind of a whole 'nother topic, although certainly it is a common condition which I share with 99% of the souls on earth. So like I said, "it was never about me."
Now, as yogis we know that the point of human incarnation is the opportunity for "enlightenment" or "liberation" or whatever you want to call it, or as I as a bhakti/tantrika like to say, "to know God in this body." And so it is.
Because that is exactly what I am left with. Since resuming the medical job, while keeping the other 2 (I dropped the cleaning/design job), my health has deteriorated further. I am exhausted and in nearly continual pain. The cool thing about this is, it is incredibly liberating! It is difficult to put into words. It feels as though, as C.S. Lewis says in regard to purgatory, my "rough edges are being worn off." I feel like I am being totally worn down, or as the apostle Paul said, "I am being poured out like a drink offering." It has gotten to the point that my life is so impossible that it has become obvious that I am not the doer. There is no way that I could be doing this, working these 3 jobs, and continuing to function. I am a strong person but I'm not that strong, and presently I am quite ill. It is an incredible sense of surrender.
The sense of "translucency" of this self has become more and more apparent. And in the midst of the daily struggle to survive - even though I have no particular desire to survive, but it is simply what we do - the amazing thing is this deep, abiding Silence, this Peace, this ineffable Bliss and Love that is completely unrelated to external events, reminding me more than ever that the Reality is this eternal connection with the Divine which is why I am here. There is nothing else. Fortunately my yoga practice is long established for many, many years, so that even in the midst of illness and exhaustion, when I can't really "practice" much, it takes over for me. I can meditate in shavasana without falling asleep. Actually I slip into meditation pretty much anytime when I am not doing anything else in particular. This is the benefit of a lifelong daily discipline; in the beginning you do yoga, and then eventually yoga does you.
Anyway - now that I had given up on teaching yoga, and the whole Retreat Center and everything, I recently was contacted by a former yoga student who had moved to another city and her teenage daughter, who was also a student of mine, fell in with a bad crowd, is having a rough time, and needs "residential therapy." The police said it's either that, or juvie. Her mom was worried that she might try to run away to Cocoa Beach. I said, "Cocoa Beach? Hell yeah, I'll run away with her!" I would love to run away and the waves there are perfect.
![[:)]](http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/Smileys/akyhne/icon_smile.gif "Smile")
This is her last chance and her family has chosen to send her to me! At first I said, "oh, no, I can't, I'm so overwhelmed already...!" but when I prayed about it, I couldn't say no. I want to be here for her. So I will soon have a yoga student in residence. Even though I have essentially no "free time," since she will be living here AND she is on my same schedule (evening shift) we will be able to find time to do yoga when it is convenient for both of us. I am really looking forward to her arrival. She was supposed to come this weekend but with the impending hurricane might be delayed.
It's all completely crazy but like I said, I am not the one driving this chariot. LOVE to all of you.
![[3]](http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/Smileys/akyhne/heart.gif "Heart")
![[/\]](http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/Smileys/akyhne/namaste.gif "Namaste (guru in you)")
