Mr Anderson, glad to see your approach and efforts working out towards greater personal independence. Clearly, at least some of it is an absolute necessity in just getting to the point of understanding what certain teachings even point towards, much less having the energy-time to their contemplation and pursuit, such as 'freedom to do what one likes is really bondage, while being free to do what one must, what is right, is real freedom,' and 'to act from desire and fear is bondage, to act from love is freedom.' - Sri N. Maharaj. Still searching for that inner love on this end among my endless fog that may as well be smoke rising out of what's become a war with myself in trying to clear it. Each aftermath is followed by a period of disinterest, stagnation, and time-wasting, where the only constant is my practice. A brute force approach of will is unsustainable. Been there to do that, paid the price one too many times bordering on self-abandon were it not for some divine grace of having a positive attitude to heal and let go. Lila may be a wonderful purposeful divine play, but we really arise out of its most contracted, dense, and artificially-amplified (to the point of novelty) aspects of maya ignorance illusion; of this the rishis seers are undeniably spot on, at least to my intuition and life events I've seen first hand to date even in this very house. So in reply to the topic, I'm running into my own dead end trying to understand and more importantly find a place in this flow of life here (which looks equally chaotic or non-existent as it does orderly and perfect), and it's been years already since having graduated something that requires further institutional-education to do something with.
