Recently, some challenges have cropped up in my life - incurable and progressive disease in a beloved family member that unmasks dysfunctional family dynamics and most importantly, my own response to it all.
As my life got caught up in the whirlwind, I was equally caught up in "giving it all up" to my Ishta. But the more I tried "giving", the more frustration I found welling up in my sheer inability to do so. So, a few days ago, I stopped the mental/emotional effort and began to
allow my restlessness and pain to unfold. Yesterday during evening puja, my intention shifted - instead of trying to
give, there was a plea for my Ishta to
take, for me to receive and for willingness to be shaped as needed. And this morning, I woke up with a significant reduction in restlessness, not knowing what had changed. On my very long drive into work, I played one of my favorite chants, the Sri Suktham, a Vedic hymn to Shakti in the form of Lakshmi. My whole being racked in sobs as the chant began, bursting the dam that had held so much in - much needed release as I felt nurtured and comforted by the mother of beauty and abundance.
And with the release, a revelation - to think "I"
give or surrender to the Divine is just more ego nonsense. In any transaction, the giver is inherently at a slightly higher place (from a transactional standpoint). And so it is that with surrendering or "giving" my problems to God, I unconsciously place myself at a higher place. Grace flows in a downward direction - hence, there is little scope for Grace when I place myself higher. The thought of "I am giving" serves to makes me more tightly bound to the separate self. On the other hand, if all I do is ask for my Ishta to
take it/me, the onus is on Him/Her - it is no longer "my" action or intent or thought.
If all is Him, including my problems, it is His to take, not mine to give - thus, there is no discordance and no subconscious conflict (which, in my experience, only serves to compound all purification processes). One thing that practices have done for me is sensitization to internal conflict/discordance - it is just not allowed. Intent, thought, action - all must be perfectly aligned. Not aligning causes significant vata/pitta imbalance that is noticeable in body and mind.
As the tears flowed, I saw how this is the perfect opportunity for me to serve my family in this hour of need - for years, my daily prayer has been for the Lord to make me His instrument of service. And when He did, this little ego self could not see it!
When humility does not happen on its own, a powerful blow is needed, as I discovered first hand.