My Recovery Story

[Radharani]

Dear Bodhi Tree,
Thank you for sharing your amazing journey with us!  Well said, and beautifully written.  I hope that your website will be of great benefit to those seeking a truly effective, inspiring and practical way to address their addiction which, as you have pointed out, is misdirected bhakti.  

While AA has helped many people, it has turned others off with its sense of "all or nothing, one drink and you are totally screwed, you are completely helpless/flawed and you will be an addict the rest of your life."  My husband attended briefly and he said the meetings were depressing and made him want to drink more.  In fact, he would drink on the way home!  They told him, "Come back when you are tired of drinking," to which he replied, "If I were tired of drinking, I wouldn't need to come here, I would just stop!"  (This has been substantiated by some research indicating that most addicts eventually quit on their own when they are good and ready to quit.)  I agree with your observations about AA, and that what is missing is a spiritual practice like AYP to fulfill the unmet needs of bhakti.

RE: psychedelics, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, "the path is not so much about clinging to peak experiences as it is improving our moment-to-moment quality of life and inner well-being."  My own experience with entheogens in my youth, always used sacramentally, carefully and with spiritual focus, was overwhelmingly positive and resulted in giving my spiritual life a huge jump-start, particularly the experiential reality of God!  As Ram Dass has said, something to the effect, "Drugs can help you visit the mountaintop, but only a spiritual practice will allow you to live there."  Thus I devoted myself with great enthusiasm to a serious lifelong daily yoga practice, to immerse myself in that Being/Consciousness/Bliss.  At 51 my spiritual practice continues to bear much fruit.  

A big caveat, however:  Although the psychedelic experiences absolutely empowered and deepened my spiritual life, they also convinced me that worldly things, including money, career and social status were unimportant, and that the purpose of life is enlightenment [which of course, is true].  So, while drugs had been largely replaced by my spiritual practice (kriya yoga), I spent an excessive amount of time every day in meditation, at least an hour in the morning, half an hour at lunch and another hour or two at night.  I made no real effort to pursue a serious career, and viewed my boring clerical job as a necessary evil in order to pay the rent so that I could spend time in meditation.  I believed the New Age idea that if you are spiritual and try to be a good person and follow your dharma, then the universe will make money fall into your lap so you won't have to waste any energy on "materialistic" pursuits.  I only got over this misconception fairly recently thanks to spending many, many years in the School of Hard Knocks.  

Anyway, the point being, while there is no question that my youthful experimentation with entheogens advanced my spiritual life [for which I am eternally grateful!], it may have worked TOO WELL, by contributing to an "unworldliness" which has resulted in undesireable material consequences now that I am old and approaching retirement.  I do sometimes wonder whether this is the reason that the classical Indian tradition recommends going off to seriously seek enlightenment AFTER you've worked, established your home, raised your kids, paid off your bills, etc.  

In my youth I was actively seeking the High, whereas nowadays my task is to maintain a degree of "normalcy" and groundedness so as to "do what needs to be done," while walking and driving around with Love pouring through this body made of colored light whose boundaries are rather fluid...  I literally wouldn't trade it for the world, but my life could have been much easier from the practical standpoint, had my path been more balanced and less excessive.  That is one of the things I appreciate about AYP (as well as HOY), their emphasis on self-pacing and spiritual practices as an integrated part of a balanced lifestyle.

In any case, thanks again for all your good work, Bodhi, and I believe that people will benefit from your website!  

[Bodhi Tree]

Thank you, Anima.

@Radharani

Wow. Some amazing insights and experiences of your own there, Radharani. Thank you for vibing along with my story.

It's funny, right after that car experience (sober), I was on such a "pink cloud" that I didn't think I would have to worry about the material troubles, but they surely returned. But I realize it was only my mind that was making them troubles. Really, I am discovering, the material challenges are exactly the purpose of life, and if enlightenment was simply a pure abstraction into the Void, why even bother with the body in the first place? Why not just remain in the formless Infinity beyond space and time?

At current time, my strategy, or path of devotion, is to bring as much of the infinite potentiality into the limited material world. Beingness, I guess. For me, this paradox gets fulfilled and accentuated especially when playing guitar and jamming with friends. Though it's just an instrument, so much can be done with sound, and the possibilities are endless. The same could be said for any craft or vocation. The pursuit of mastery is worthwhile, even though unattainable.

I wish your husband the best in his path of recovery, abstinence, or moderation. The main thing I realize with booze is that, even if I could moderate it, it wouldn't be worth it. A lot of people in AA miss that point, BIG-TIME. If you could hand them a magic pill that would allow them to drink moderately without any negative consequences, they would swallow it instantly. I, however, have decided to take the red pill, and to see how far down the rabbit hole goes [The Matrix]. For me, AYP is the red pill. As you know...the rabbit hole goes way down (and up, sideways, and every-other-ways too), and yoga (when combined with daily integration into normalcy) will take us way farther than any psychedelics or other substances!

Thanks for jiving with me.

Love. Unity. Lightness of Air.

[nirmal]

Hey Bodhi tree,
It's me,nirmal! I want you to know that your story was a first what I call "long post" I have ever read! I usually get impatient with so many Long posts, that I skip thru most of them. This was a great story, and like others have said I think you are a great writer! So keep it up,my friend!
I easily identified with most you wrote about, too!
Love & light,
nirmal[/\]

[Bodhi Tree]

Glad I was able to keep your attention, nirmal! Thank you for reading, and I appreciate your resonance.

Love and light to you too.

[Radharani]

Dear Bodhi,

I disagree with your statement, "the material challenges are exactly the purpose of life."  Of course, if you choose to MAKE it the purpose of your life, that is up to you.  Personally I regard material challenges as simply incidental to the nature of being in a body, a biological consequence, in much the same way that reproduction is a biological consequence of sex, but not the "purpose" as such.  IMO the purpose of life is Love and Creativity (as you express through your music).  But that's just philosophical nit-picking.  

To each their own.  I am a proponent of moderation, which is one of the areas where I disagree with AA.  There are therapists in Europe who do teach alcoholics to drink responsibly, a concept that is practically heresy here in the U.S.!  As for my husband, he does not want to STOP drinking, he just wants to learn to drink in moderation, which I think is a reasonable goal and an improvement over what he was doing before.  He's actually made some progress.  Being a "wino" myself with a preference for expensive reds, particularly as part of a meal, I can't really relate to his situation because I am completely unable to tolerate any other kind of cheaper booze, including even less expensive wines.  I mean, I might WANT a drink but if the only thing available is beer, vodka, etc., or cheap wine, it's just not worth it, and since we are broke, "oh well."  Interestingly, as I've exposed him to expensive wines, he seems to be losing his taste for the cheap, nasty stuff.  And from the standpoint of my own happiness, I decided not to worry about it anymore, especially since his last labs (when he saw a doctor about the hernia acquired at his construction job) showed his liver function to be completely normal, thankfully and much to my surprise.

[Bodhi Tree]

LOL. I certainly had an appreciation for the finer varieties. My family is huge on red wine, and I got spoiled early on. And the quality of the buzz is directly correlated with the quality of craftsmanship in the wine itself. Same with beer. Nothing like the Belgian Ales brewed in monasteries. That euphoria is certainly superior to what you get from slamming a 6 pack of Natural Ice (rot-gut). I've done plenty of both.

That being said, when you get into the more refined states of serenity and ecstasy, no red wine (regardless of the caliber) can hold a candle to the clarity, lucidity, and weightlessness of That. Substances always carry a weight and leave a footprint in the nervous system (with varying degrees of trauma). When I've been in the zone (like my car experience), I've been blessed to enjoy the superiority of non-substance-induced ecstatic states.

It comes in waves. Awakening and expansion follows the pattern of the spiral, which is the most fundamental shape of Being. Cyclical, yet linear. The Sri Yantra and other sacred geometry contain that embedded code.

For me, kicking the booze was like that. Spiraling down to the point of zero, or complete letting go. In between there were plenty of efforts for moderation, but the full realization came when seeing how senseless it was as object of moderation. But again, that is relative. I'm sure some yogis have become so masterful that they see moderating food intake as foolish. They can subsist on air and sunlight alone, so they see food as an inferior pleasure no longer necessary. It's all preference, and stages of development. To each his own, as you say.

Wisdom.

[Radharani]

Oh, absolutely!  The quality of the "buzz" as well as the "personality" of the beverage is related to the craftsmanship and the spirit in which it was brewed.  And obviously, alcohol intoxication, no matter how expensive, refined and well-crafted the beverage, cannot hold a candle to the pure Bliss of God intoxication.  At the same time, they are not mutually exclusive, at least in my experience, as the God intoxication is a constant from which nothing can really detract, and many things can complement.  When we use wine sacramentally, "the Blood of Christ," can have a profound spiritual effect.  We often receive Communion before our tantric sessions.  My other use of wine, when I can afford it, is for meals.  As the French believe, wine makes a good meal complete.  There is something magical about the accentuation of flavors as well as the digestion.  

Nowadays I don't differentiate between "spiritually superior and inferior pleasures."  EVERYTHING is an offering to the Lord, Who is the only Enjoyer and also That which is enjoyed.  In my youth I was very strict about diet and substances, but today I just pretty much live naturally.  When I feel so inclined, I go through phases where I fast or limit my intake of various things, according to what my body tells me (and also what happens to be available at the time).  All things in moderation, thankful, and everything an offering to Him, feels right.  My underlying spiritual state is not affected by the substances that I ingest, although I do seem to dimly recall a time when it was.

So I agree with you that it is a matter of preference, personality and inclination, and also where we are on our particular path.  I'm not recommending my approach to anyone.  Everybody is different.  

But, getting back to the point of this thread, again, I think that the service you are offering will be very helpful to people who are in an addictive or unhealthy relationship with substances and they really just need an appropriate focus for their bhakti!  AYP will be ideal for this purpose, and with your personal experience and knowledge you are in a very good position to guide them.

[Bodhi Tree]

Well said. It's all a unified spectrum.

[kumar ul islam]

Peace and love to you .

[mr_anderson]

Hi Bodhi,

Thanks a lot for sharing your personal story and experiences. I always find it interesting and courageous when people are prepared to do that. You're a great writer, and I'm sure you can do a lot to help people who've struggled with addictions.

I certainly have had my own experiences with addictions (like you starting with marijuana) and found my way to balance via inner silence and the spiritual path.

Best wishes,

Josh

[Bodhi Tree]

Thank you, kumar and Josh.

@Josh
I'm enjoying seeing pictures of you in Costa Rica. That's certainly courageous to have migrated to a distant, exotic place! Hope I can visit you sometime. Pura vida.

[SolEaton]

Such an inspirational story, I am also going through the same situation and is in a process to overcome it with the help of drug counseling littleton coand your story will definitelty help me and will boast my confidence. Have a look at http://lifetrackcounseling.com.

[Bodhi Tree]

Glad to hear, SolEaton, and thank you for the link. Some counseling early on helped me get moving in the right direction.

[cygnet]

Thank you for sharing your story.  Your openness is inspirational to someone who was taught to bury, hide, and subjugate their feelings, needs, and desires.  Food (especially flour and sugar) are my drugs of 'choice'; rather, habit.  It is encouraging to see someone who has broken the pattern of self-sabotage.
Namaste

[Bodhi Tree]

Wishing you the best, cygnet. Glad it resonated with you. Peace and love to you.