"I" can recall when "The I Thought" took hold..

[Roberto]

First of all, Greetings and Love to All . Having benefitted from this site and all the wisdom shared for over a year now, it is time for some sharing. Been wanting to post for awhile but all the questions keep getting answered by the writings, sometimes only after re-reading, or digging deep into the archives to resurrect old threads. Plus had to take some time off due to "excess purification"--literally devasting negative emotions..plus breathing problems which kept pulling awareness back into the bod....Otherwise would have been here to share months ago .

So, current age is 52. Check this out. At age 3-4, "something" was lost and actively, desperately tried to be regained for several months. It is amazing that this can be recalled. "I" was playing with blocks at the time and noticed that something was missing/different than the day before. There was an agitation, or nonrelaxed state that had replaced the previous state. What was felt was a loss of contentment, so profound that "I" attempted to regain it for days/weeks, if you can believe it, thinking it had something to do with the building blocks (as the last recollection of the prior, content state was while playing with the blocks the day before..!! Tried recreating same "architecure" with the blocks (har har) to no avail. It seems that this was pre-language or maybe simultaneous with the onset of language. There was a desperation to "get back to that home state", which, over time, seems to have faded into the duller angst/longing that is here now. When the life is recalled it is clear that this initial searching was what led to spiritual search, feeling of not belonging here, not complete, etc

Not sure of the value of this info but for this one here it is bloody remarkable to remember "me" Pre-"I". It makes the concept of pushing the I back to its origin A LOT more tangible, plus gives the Bhakti a nice boost. It seems to be part of the joining. Anyway, if this is a good thing hope this sharing triggers similar recollections amongst the members here.

See you all later, and THANK YOU YOGANI

Namaste

Robert

[Radharani]

quote:Originally posted by Roberto

First of all, Greetings and Love to All . Having benefitted from this site and all the wisdom shared for over a year now, it is time for some sharing. Been wanting to post for awhile but all the questions keep getting answered by the writings, sometimes only after re-reading, or digging deep into the archives to resurrect old threads. Plus had to take some time off due to "excess purification"--literally devasting negative emotions..plus breathing problems which kept pulling awareness back into the bod....Otherwise would have been here to share months ago .

So, current age is 52. Check this out. At age 3-4, "something" was lost and actively, desperately tried to be regained for several months. It is amazing that this can be recalled. "I" was playing with blocks at the time and noticed that something was missing/different than the day before. There was an agitation, or nonrelaxed state that had replaced the previous state. What was felt was a loss of contentment, so profound that "I" attempted to regain it for days/weeks, if you can believe it, thinking it had something to do with the building blocks (as the last recollection of the prior, content state was while playing with the blocks the day before..!! Tried recreating same "architecure" with the blocks (har har) to no avail. It seems that this was pre-language or maybe simultaneous with the onset of language. There was a desperation to "get back to that home state", which, over time, seems to have faded into the duller angst/longing that is here now. When the life is recalled it is clear that this initial searching was what led to spiritual search, feeling of not belonging here, not complete, etc

Not sure of the value of this info but for this one here it is bloody remarkable to remember "me" Pre-"I". It makes the concept of pushing the I back to its origin A LOT more tangible, plus gives the Bhakti a nice boost. It seems to be part of the joining. Anyway, if this is a good thing hope this sharing triggers similar recollections amongst the members here.

See you all later, and THANK YOU YOGANI

Namaste

Robert

Greetings, Roberto!  Glad you have benefitted from this site.  AYP is indeed a wealth of information and a great sangha.

Regarding your experience in childhood:  It sounds like what you are describing is simply a normal stage of childhood development and it is indeed related to the origin of "I."  To quote from a website for preschool teachers:  "Threes and fours have the ability to see themselves as separate and unique individuals."  Apparently it is something we all go through around that same time.

What is neat about your experience is that you can recall so vividly the exact moment when you realized it!  Also interesting, you have identified it as a sense of "loss" of what we might call "the natural state," whereas psychologists tend to look at it from the standpoint of "ego development," which of course the mainstream regards as a "positive" thing.  And it is - at that moment in time, an appropriate part of the maturation process.

For the yogi there is that longing to somehow transcend the limitations of ego identification and get back to our "natural state," but what we ultimately end up with is a completeness that the pre-"I" child cannot appreciate.  We kind of go full circle, or perhaps like an upward spiral.  It's cool that you can consciously remember that moment when your bhakti was sparked to begin the journey!

Myself, I have a few brief memories from the "pre-I" time, like playing in my inflatable pool, and my mom holding me in the ocean (I have always LOVED the ocean) at about 18 months in Spain, and around that same time holding lizards (I still adore them to this day!), and riding my first pony at around age 2-1/2 (have been hooked on horses ever since).  But I do not recall the exact moment when the concept of "I" emerged and/or I lost the "natural state."

Anyway thanks for sharing your experience with us.  Namaste, Radharani

[Yonatan]

Hi Roberto,

Thank you for sharing your experience

Very interesting that you can recall it. I do not recall when the "I" in me was identified with fully, but I do know that at some point in my life I felt full force that "incompleteness" which then led to my spiritual journey.



Namaste

[Roberto]

Hello There Yonatan and Radharani

Thanks so much for the kind words and feedback !! I thought for awhile that I might have set an AYP record for zero replies to a thread.. lol

quote (Radharani): "you have identified it as a sense of "loss" of what we might call "the natural state," whereas psychologists tend to look at it from the standpoint of "ego development," which of course the mainstream regards as a "positive" thing. And it is - at that moment in time, an appropriate part of the maturation process.For the yogi there is that longing to somehow transcend the limitations of ego identification and get back to our "natural state," but what we ultimately end up with is a completeness that the pre-"I" child cannot appreciate. We kind of go full circle, or perhaps like an upward spiral.

Excellent choice of words, this full circle/upward spiral...

This makes me wonder what would happen in a society that did not actively encourage ego development but actually discouraged it ?  Would this ever be possible in anybody's opinion ? ? Not likely IMHO, at least here in the (unenlightened) US of A....As an example, there is currently a lawsuit being brought before CA supreme court to keep yoga (asanas only even--they aren't teaching meditation) out of the optional curriculum for a school here in SoCal--and this is supposedly a yoga mecca ! But seriously, it just makes me wonder what would be the result on an individual's spiritual development, and ultimately on society, if non-duality were taught right from the get-go, vs our having to "un-learn" so much to be ripe for it to "take"... Perhaps(?) in the East (eg India, Tibet) this may already occur ? Just wondering... They could have the Pre-School equivalent of Yogani's Applied Spiritual Sciences program

I just know for a fact that at age 3-4, if I were told that my mind had just been HiJacked, and that this would be the cause of years and years of "suffering", living an illusion, with all the emotional crap that came from maintaining that illusion, I would have had something to "say" about it !!

Peace and Namaste All

Rob