When is the Guru outside of you?

[Chhinnamasta]

I love the AYP site, it has been very helpful. My yoga teacher recommended it to me. I have been practicing meditation since I was 16, and yoga since 21. In high school while meditating and reading books by Ram Dass and other teachers, I had a very strong desire to go to an ashram and find a guru.

At 17, one month after graduation, I left PA and drove to Tucson to visit the desert ashram of Swami Amar Jyoti. He was not there at the time but I was given a tour of the grounds and facility, and invited to listen to a recorded satsang that night with his disciples. It was amazing and filled my being. I later met Swamiji at his mountain ashram in Boulder. Again, it was mind blowing. I was asked to stay after by one of the assistants (I guess that's what he was) but I didn't because my husband would have been mad.

I had to leave AZ and return to PA because I ran out of money. Just before leaving AZ, I met someone. I intended to return to the ashram to live but in the meantime while in PA saving money for my return out west, I made plans to meet the man I met in AZ.

......we marry when I was 18...house holder life....hard lessons...life..started doing yoga at 21....monthlong long at Kripalu Center, then a weekend at Amrit Desai's ashram.

Basically I was involved in a normal life and I kept up a yoga practice and also a yogic lifestyle as much as I could manage. I even went through two years of being an atheist and leaving my spiritual practice (but not yoga).

Now I feel that strong pull again to go to an ashram and get deeper into practice. I have the same feeling I did when I was 16 and longed for a guru.

I know Yogani says the guru is in me. I do believe that is true, I hear the small still voice. But I feel like i am missing something that I can only get from a realized master. I am almost considering leaving my life and job and seeking this out, but that doesn't seem right.

Why is this? I don't even know who "my guru" would be. I'm going to visit Amrit Desai's ashram and do a program. I've met him once before.

Do some people need a guru? This thought makes me feel weak, I am introverted and always looking to serve. I feel like I am being swept along a river where the current is very forceful and I am not fully in control. That's scary.

Any insights?

[yogani]

Hi Chhinnamasta:

This lesson on "the guru" might be of some help: http://www.aypsite.com/plus/57.html

How you go about it will be unique to your situation, inclinations and actions. You have the most important ingredient already, bhakti (spiritual desire), and you will find your way. Or, more accurately, your way will find you.

The longer you are meditating, living in abiding inner silence, the more spontaneous the flow of divine support will be, inside and outside. You don't have to leave your present life to do this, though you always have a choice. It is an inner process more-so than an outer one. You will know what to do.

All the best!

The guru is in you.

[Chhinnamasta]

Thank you, Yogani! I don't think i have read that lesson!!

[yogani]

PS: Periodic retreats like you are doing are a good way to experience deeper results while maintaining the present lifestyle, job, family, etc. Whether you are to become a monastic person or not, you will know in time as you continue with practices. The suggestion is to take it one step at a time, and see how things develop. Everything you want to do can be done right where you are. The world needs more householder yogis and yoginis too.

[Chhinnamasta]

Thank you for that, and that seems right. I need to remember to just be where I am and continue my practice. Sometimes I feel the desire to live the monastic lifestyle so strongly that I think I may pack up and leave. But I know that's not right at this time. And I have to let go more and stop trying to "make things happen" so to speak.

I used to feel sad that after high school I didn't follow my path of living and practice at the ashram. I felt like the house holder thing got in the way of my path. But now I see I needed this time in the real world for lessons.

I just sometimes think it's getting hard to get deeper because I'm the only one in my household that does this.

So, yes, I'll do my visits and see where it goes! Thanks again!

[NoDogma]

Long ago ( my 20's) when I was thinking of leaving everything and go to the Himalayas, a wise man told me "your sollution will soon become your problem. " that one sentence has helped me make many wise decisions later on..

[adishivayogi]

the satguru is the deepest aspect of your own intelligence, its work can be seen on the outside world(insisting outside and inside are not seperate). the householder life is the best place for someone on the spiritual path, imo(it was also lahiri's opinion and his cheif disciples) . Do you kriyabreaths! immerse yourself in the omkar reality

[jeff]

Hi Chhinnamasta,

I would suggest that you do what feels right in your heart. True surrender is very hard, and if one is in the presence of a true guru, it can turbo charge your process.

Best wishes,
Jeff

[Chhinnamasta]

Thank you for all the replies. Right now, I will get deeper right where I am. I think you're all right that making a big change may not be my answer. Thanks all!!