Dear friends:
This is an intimate subject.
I confess that my ambitions are falling away. I long for a quiet life of worship, service, contemplation, and celibacy. Suffering is a gift. So, too, is beauty. But I have less and less desire to flaunt sophisticated language and concepts. Almost no one understands them, anyway; just like I used to imagine. To whom could I offer them, but the Lord? Whom might I serve, but Him and my fellows? It’s feeling clearer that family and relationship cannot satisfy this deep desire in me. Any profession I see myself in will not fit this longing.
I’m still stabilizing my meditation routine. I usually do spinal breathing, deep meditation, and samyama/ prayer once a day. I’m working on using a timer on my tablet to get to consistent practices, twice a day. My finances are fairly stable. My mind and emotions are unstable. My perspective is unstable. It is so frustrating. The anger is impotent, but at least that means it is phasing into something else. The old venom is losing its grip.
Kind actions are stabilizing. Forgiveness is stabilizing. Desire for quiet service, worship, and celibacy is stabilizing. I just don’t know how to find them. Although, I feel reassured that it will happen. In fact, I wrote a poem about it after meditation last night, below.
I’m currently in a work environment that I find very painful. It’s very loud and judgmental. Lots of loud, vulgar music, jokes, and comments. I have trouble focusing. Lots of loud people, trying to hide their feelings and disappointments from each other. Lots of wasted self-deception. If the environment is bad, then why am I still there? Mostly to keep my apartment stable until the lease is paid off, and I can return the small loan my mom helped me with to pay the security deposit.
I told my boss I don’t want to work there. He demoted me until I find a new job. I’m very grateful for that, but I really want the job to end. In short, I haven’t been able to find another job that would seem to be an improvement.
It’s clear why. The job is not really a problem. I am not able to have a good attitude there. I do not see the value of being engaged in ambition anymore. I’m not sure I ever have. I have been sorrowful for most of my life. I don’t find that to be bad at all. In fact, it led me from atheism to the wondrous experience of desiring God in all things. With the help of a priest, I recently prayed to Lord Ganesha to help me find a new job that will be in complete service to God. Won’t He let me give the rest of my days to Him in service, learning compassion, humility, and character? Would He show me more absurdity and meaninglessness unto madness?
What can I object to? Anything. But there is no real foundation. It is all chaos. God, as the Silent Witness, guides us. As He is called, Sat Chit Ananda.
So, I’m going to check out a Quaker meeting house with unstructured meditations and a local kirtan group. The aim is not to distract myself from core practices, but to venture out in the hopes of finding purposeful engagement of service. I feel very attracted to monastic life, and wish to explore that possibility. I’m looking at monasteries around the country with interest. I pray to Krishna and Christ, but feel excluded from the major traditions.
And I will apply to more JOBS.
Does anyone have similar feelings or some suggestions?
Love
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Celibacy
I feel it is time.
Lord, please guide me on my path.
Help me love You more.
Help me love my fellows.
Help me love myself.
Help me give myself to You.
Help me be of service.
I listen: It's time.
Please guide me.
Forgive me.
Thank you.
Your child,
7/7/2014
