leaving a destructive group behind

[atena]

I've had this extremely difficult situation going on for years that I've started dealing with recently. In essence, I've belonged to a group of friends since from 6 years old to adulthood. It was all ok  and good until it age of 18 or so a person entered the group, without my permission (I was afraid of him, but didn't have the courage to admit that to anyone at that point, nor him).

He is the kind of dominant, bully person with charisma and excellent skills at convincing others that they're wrong about something and that he is right, and non-existent ability and willingness to admit his own mistakes.  

He started to act towards me like some guru, and I felt trapped because I wasn't able to admit that I didn't trust him, and we became 'close'. I let him criticize me to the point that there was non-existent amount of my previous person left. 'Feeling' only apathy towards everything.

He also bonded closely with a person I used to think as a friend. They made me their scapegoat and started dumping their negativity, and guilt to me caused by their own unethical actions towards me, making sure I looked bad in the minds of others, and I let it happen, not being aware that I had options. not having the sense what dignity means, that most people get from their upbringing.

I've decided to dissociate from those two persons, avoid and also dissociate from that group because they have too much power there as they're the leaders within the group dynamics, and my credibility there is destroyed and trying to convince others I'm not bad person would be a big waste of time and energy.

The membership of that group was pretty much all I thought I had and now it is gone. I have other friends, but I think that the burden of the past stuff I've kept to myself has kept me feeling very isolated, and emotionally disconnected.

I don't know what I'll do next but I need to put myself together and go on with my life leaving that stuff behind.

Feedback and questions are welcome.

[Shanti]

(((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))

[Shanti]

Altho it may not feel so right now... you have been blessed.
Only very few people get a chance in this world to completely lose themselves only to find their way back home. This journey will be filled with bitter, sweet experiences of the self, but the re-discovery is so beautiful and so rewarding, that you will only be able to thank god to have given you this opportunity to be hurt and lost only to be shown the light.

Some people go through life living in the safety of boundaries they define. Afraid to change, afraid of change. It takes a lot of courage to break free from a set pattern, esp. when the mind believes "the known devil is better than the unknown devil"... so many stay stuck in patterns that hurt again and again. However since that pattern is in their comfort zone, and they are too afraid to break out of that, they stay in the bad dream, no matter how painful.

Breaking free is the first step. Then you can heal. When a hammer is constantly pounding against your head, its better to move away and let the wounds heal, rather than let the hammer keep hurting you, you can never heal that way. You have taken the first step, the most difficult step of all, now you can heal.

My prayers and strength are with you. We are all here to help you.

[Yonatan]

Hi atena,

First a big huge Love goes out to you from here and I'm sure others who are reading this.

I have been in a similar situation with getting close to a person who always put me down and me being too innocent and feeling "small" to do anything about it.. It took a breakdown to make me let go of the relationship.

In time the wounds heal, and with bhakti and always going forward of course loving yourself things just become free-er and you become ever more better, may I say even more than the times that you remember as "the good times" before "the trouble"..

I wish you well.

Keep going with AYP and it will all be well.

Love

Yonatan

[Kirtanman]

Hi Atena,

Thanks for sharing this; my highest intentions for your peace and healing / prayers / samyama are with you.



Several people I love, including family members, have left emotionally violent relationships, and it can be challenging -- yet, I don't know a single person who regrets "making the break".

Ultimately, loving relationships are "self-explanatory" -- they are relationships of true unconditional caring, shared respect, kindness, support and uplifting behavior and attitudes.

And the world is full of the opportunity for them.

I left a somewhat similar relationship (not super similar, but let's just say I've had experience with non-uplifting attitudes expressed in my general direction, on a daily basis ....), involuntarily, almost a decade ago.

At first, I was quite upset; I thought we (my ex, and I) were "in love", etc. etc. -- I didn't know at the time that love is never unkind, or disrespectful, or controlling.

I recently, truthfully said that if she were to want me back now, *and* offer me a million dollars, too --- I'd laugh -- and happily say: "No, thank you."

A happy daily life, and relationships of genuine kindness, caring, respect and enjoyment are worth a *LOT* more than a million dollars.

And now, I'm not only happier in every area of life (including relationships with everyone I know and love, and am blessed by knowing -- which is .... everyone I know. ) .... I'm happier than I had any idea a person *could* be, not that many years ago.

Far beyond the ability of mere words to adequately express.

And, yes, practices and the results of practices have pretty much everything to do with that -- and the way we relate to the people closest to us is very likely the deepest practice any of us will ever engage in (living, loving, yogic practice -- these cannot be separated; they are aspects of one whole).

Meaning: there's been a 1:1 correlation in my life, in recent years, between the results of practices, and the relationships and quality of relationships in my life, in every area of my life. Which "caused" which?

Thankfully, I have no idea.

(And, as Adyashanti says: "Everything causes everything else.")

And, as our yogic path unfolds .... greater line shines in, in every area of life, in every circumstance.

Ultimately, all we have to do is let it.

Intending The Peace Of Loving Reality For All,


Kirtanman

PS - A book I've recommended here at the AYP Forum before, and that I whole-heartedly recommend again:

Real Love By Greg Baer, M.D.

Also, here's a link to the main Real Love web site: http://www.reallove.com/

It's basically "relationship yoga" - and Greg is very qualified to teach it; I heartily recommend both Greg and his work; I know at least several people personally, including myself, who say that Real Love changed their life, and that it improved the quality of every relationship in their life (partners, family, parents, kids, colleagues, friends -- if it's a relationship, and if it's anything other than beautiful, enjoyable and fulfilling on an ongoing basis, Real Love can help it; if it's already great - Real Love can help insure it stays that way, and grows ever more beautiful, sacred and enjoyable -- as Real Love always, actually does.)

[atena]

Thank you all

I don't identify myself anymore as the central character of that story so I think that the whole dynamic might have shifted, more or less
I'm not going to be stupid about the situation, whatever it might be, but it doesn't seem so black and white... The central character being some kind of mix between victim / hero, and two nasty tyrants, playing their parts within the rules of duality.

That was an unexpected turn... really. Really!
I'm confused  Really confused. Wow, man... (I'm not on drugs )

[miguel]

Very good and inspiring posts here.Thanks friends.
_/\\_

Atena,ayp really works.And i think this is really true:

 

quote:This journey will be filled with bitter, sweet experiences of the self, but the re-discovery is so beautiful and so rewarding, that you will only be able to thank god to have given you this opportunity to be hurt and lost only to be shown the light.

Dont be afraid,the heart enlightens your path.Always.

 

quote:you become ever more better, may I say even more than the times that you remember as "the good times" before "the trouble"..

Its true also.Im sure.


All the best.

[miguel]

quote:and the way we relate to the people closest to us is very likely the deepest practice any of us will ever engage in (living, loving, yogic practice -- these cannot be separated; they are aspects of one whole).

_/\\_

[Kirtanman]

quote:Originally posted by atena

Thank you all

I don't identify myself anymore as the central character of that story so I think that the whole dynamic might have shifted, more or less

Go with it ....

Go with it .....




Sometimes, life situations are played out in more of a "regular life" mode ... and I was addressing my comments from/to that level of experiencing ..... primarily because your first post in the thread seemed to be at/from that level.

*However* .... the more you can see/experience it all from the place of witness/freedom ..... that is the more inherently real, inherently free, and inherently empowered place from which to "move" in any direction.

Awareness is inherently free; entanglement in concepts makes the dream.

And so ... if you're feeling "all too human" at any moment, and/or addressing life from that level .... resources like Real Love are great.

However, if you're knowing you're not the central character (which is true, and a good way to put it) ... hey, nothing to worry about anyway; embrace the wholeness; have fun!!

The dynamic may vacillate a bit ... or not ... when you're whole(ness), embrace the wholeness; if/when you're dreaming you're not, utilize the resources that can help you re-awaken to the knowing you're wholeness.

"When I don't know who I am, I serve you; when I know who I am, I am you."
~Hanuman, to Lord Rama (His God, His Master; His Self)

Heart Is Where The AUM Is,

Kirtanman

[Kirtanman]

quote:Originally posted by miguel

quote:and the way we relate to the people closest to us is very likely the deepest practice any of us will ever engage in (living, loving, yogic practice -- these cannot be separated; they are aspects of one whole).

_/\\_

Hi Miguel,

Thanks for the


_/\\_

***

All I have to "say", in response, is ... of course .....




_/\\_

[miguel]

[atena]

Needing to take a break from the forum (how ironic it is happening at this thread, but no pun intended). Even though there has been various disagreements about some stuff, this place has been _extremely_ supportive and helpful. Thanks all and <3, especially to Yogani for his efforts, including making this place and his visions real

'teachers keep on teaching, preachers keep on preaching, world keep on turning...'

[porcupine]

all things are as they are, the moon catches the owls eye