Hi ventilator
Thank you so much for your courageous sharing. Not many people will be so honest in a public forum....this act alone is a great step towards inner freedom. You deciding to let go of controling your wife was another important step. Although it is painful, it has brought you into direct contact with your own feelings. You do not avoid them, and this is crucial.
As emc said.....Byron Katie is simply great. You will find her "the work" very helpful. I went to a seminar with her recently....after having used "the work" for several years....I finally got to see her live. It was great!
I was married for 21 years (divorced a little over a year ago). What I can tell you from my own process is that....going into the marriage.....I too came with a package of inner emptiness and with little ability to love my partner unconditionally. I grew up in a family where unconditional love was almost non-existant....a lot of other very good things were present.....but not unconditional love. And that is the only love worth experiencing, isn't it?
Instead of unconditional love, I then came into the marriage with a package of "trying to be what my partner wanted me to be". And the exact same was true for my partner. This works for a short while, and then the problems will set in. Because to get a lot of approval does not equate true love. And yet - when empty inside - it is a set tendency to try to fill this emptiness with anything that can alleviate this lack of love inside. This will also include trying to hide shortcomings, telling people what they want to hear, control peoples behaviour....you name it.
The one thing that has helped me most of all over the years is the fact that I meditated daily (more than 20 years of it). I did not see the full effect of this at the time, but in hindsight it is easy to see that it provided the clarity, inner love and courage needed in order to start talking about the "me". Warts and all. First, I told myself. Then my husband at the time.....it helped some, but not enough. Then I told one of my best friends whom I knew loved me unconditionally. Then my teachers and fellow students at the alternative medicine education I was enrolled in at the time. I started writing a diary. It helped immensly. Gradually.....the courage to be open about the shortcomings and all the ways to "improve" or "cover" them.....was more and more consistant. And believe it or not....many people seemed to love me just the way I was. Warts and all
![[:)]](http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/Smileys/akyhne/icon_smile.gif "Smile")
So....first I was relatively happy in the marriage (when expectations were met :-)....then I was miserable (when they weren't met).....this lasted until the inner work of undressing begun.....these difficult years included two "almost divorces".......I was so frustrated that he didn't want us to get help. But then....as the inner work progressed.... I became more and more happy for no reason at all. However, I was never able to get my partner to join in this inner journey........so it ment I had to continue to do all the work on my own. The last two years of the marriage I was quiet happy. Not with the partnership in itself, because we were really not a match by then. I had changed too much. But I was happy in spite of this. Just small, ordinary things could make my day. And I loved my partner unconditionally......which gave a lot of joy.....in spite of the fact that this love was not returned. Then one day he voiced that he wished we had divorced some years ago. He was unhappy......and I understood that it couldn't go on any longer. So we divorced.
But really...the whole marriage was one long spiritual journey. I am grateful for every single day of it.
I am whole inside on my own now. And this is a wonderful feeling. Deep meditation and self-inquiry coupled with life experience....has changed everything.
However....the inner tendency to seek approval when not unconditionally loved is still here if sufficiently triggered. It surfaced in a situation just recently where I had covered up (for myself) a need......and when the need seemed to be met.......I ran towards it denying inside that that was in fact what I was doing.....and I fooled myself. I also fooled the one supplying the need into thinking we were getting what we wanted[
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Jeeez.....*laughing*.....very complicated, and a lot of unnecessary pain....However. Because of the decency of the one supplying the need.....everything was undressed, and I ended up learning again about the "me". The best thing about the learning is the awareness of this fact: In here....there will always be a tendency to be attached and to expect and to have hidden agendas. This is just the conditioning inside. However - because of the love of the Shine inside.....once there is a willingness to look at myself.....all ends well anyway. I am not the "me". It is only when all its "talk" is believed and acted upon that it can cause trouble. Otherwise...it is not even a ghost :-)
Ventilator......sorry...this ended up being a long post, but the point I wanted to stress is that:
We all come with inner conditioning. You are not different than anybody else this way. It is just that some of us had less unconditional love from the start. And we were trained to accept conditional love instead. Because anything is better than the inner emptiness, right?
However, it is by facing it, like you are doing now.....that you will come to know its origin and also the "cure" for it. If you can find the courage to speak to your wife honestly about it, it will be a great step to take. If she is not able to understand it (and remember ....she might have the same problem as you regarding conditional love).....then speak with someone you trust. Tell that person what you are like. Lay yourself bare.....be completely honest about all your shortcomings. And keep being open with your wife about it, even though she still might not understand. When the courage increases, you will notice that it is because someone out there
will give you unconditional love. You will feel loved and this will change things.
And finally.....most important of all.......
keep meditating! Because it is the unconditional love that already resides in your own heart that will bring the greatest freedom. The more you love yourself and others unconditionally.....the less it matters whether others love you or not. You just flow anyway.
Carson in the forum here reccomends a book called "Real Love" by Greg Baer. I ordered it, and though I haven't read it yet, I have read the cover and the first couple of pages.....and it seems to be talking about this exact issue. I'm sure Carson can tell you more. And I will come back to report here when I have read it.
Ok....that's bout it.
Thank you again for being so open. And please keep us posted on your journey towards accepting yourself as you are.
We are all in the same boat
