Power of Words - On communication

[emc]

The power of words

quote:In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God./ John 1:1

Words are quite powerful. Words create. Words manifest. I have been thinking a lot about words and communication lately and want to share my thoughts. Please, give me feed-back on this if you get any impulses of where I might be wrong or just share what you think!

The road to my understanding looked like this:

First I read Byron Katie and understood a lot about projections. When someone insults you, it is a complete misunderstanding! It is not possible to insult anyone. The insult comes solely from your own thoughts – your interpretation, the story you tell about it. If it stirs an emotion in you, it is because you start to remember an old wound and the pain associated with it. The person saying the comment is often acting out of deep unawareness. All 'evil' comes from being unaware, since awareness is pure LOVE and TRUTH, which can never hurt. That takes away all guilt. That has truly been an amazing mind-blower to me.

quote:We do not need to protect ourselves from anyone. We only need to protect ourselves from ourselves. If something affects us, it probably stirs our sense of personal importance. We become vulnerable when our ego is stirred. A feeling of insult or upset is a signal that our personal importance is still active and needs cleansing./Gaya Jenkins Ruiz

Katies suggestions is to question your thoughts to see if they are really true, if they cause you pain or relief, and if they cause you pain – why think it? And if you turn the thought around it shows clearly you are only projecting your own pain, letting someone else carry your dark sides that is too painful to be aware of in yourself. I have found her method extremely useful. My own mind eventually becomes the biggest joke, although very precious, because in spite of its silliness it is actually only doing its best to protect me from further wounds! It is just not working as intended. So I started not to take others’ comments so seriously. http://www.thework.com/thework.asp

Secondly, I started to draw conclusions... If I can’t really get hurt, insulted or humiliated by anyone else, then I should not be able to hurt, insult or humiliate others... So I am always home free then, am I? It felt wrong. I got stomach ache. I stir others’ wounds, making them sad and angry. Feels no good. Not even with the knowledge that pain is love, and that pain is an alarm bell for awakening to awareness. Sure, I help them by nagging their systems, but I don’t like myself when I do that. I am not my true self – loving, kind, true and genuine.

Don Miguel Ruiz, toltec nagual had a brilliant way of explaining my stomach ache:

- The human psyche is like soil. If you saw a seed in form of an opinion, idea or conception it will grow thoughts if you believe the opinion. If you say “You're lousy, you're ugly”, the person will develop a thought “I'm worthless, I look awful” independent of talent or looks. Pure magic!

- This process causes emotional poison in each person and we don’t like poison, so we try to transfer it to the next person we meet, spreading the emotional poison around with the help of words. We spread it by blaming, cursing, gossip, having opinions about others etc. A feeling of revenge is behind it, and we love to get someone to support us in our view, giving us right.

quote: As kids we do this without thinking, but as adults we become more scheming in our attempts to put someone else down. Then we lie to ourselves and says the person only got a fair punishment for his ill-deed. /Ruiz

I clearly saw this picture he was making, of how we make a carousel of spreading this poison around. Ruiz’s solution is to “Be true in your speech” (and “Take nothing personally”). First and foremost in the way you speak to yourself with your inner voice. If you don’t hammer your negative beliefs in your mind and don’t believe them anymore (same as Katie), you will be less inclined to believe the next attempt to poison you that comes from the outside, and you will be more and more loving to yourself and others. You will start to get “allergic” to others’ poison, and refuse to take more of it, being fully aware of that person’s need to dump emotional garbage on you.(My previous wonderings of the meaning of the three monkeys are suddenly clear. http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=1870)

quote: How much you love yourself is a measure of the degree to which you are true in your speech. /Ruiz.

I found that to be extremely true. It is only in times of “lows” filled with self-hatred, low self-esteem and low self-regard that I hurt others, blurt out insults, write angry posts, scorn, laugh at others’ failures and behave like a bitch. What a direct relationship!
 
About the same time, I saw the film “The Secret” and understood the law of attraction. I understood that not only words create, but even thoughts! Mind creates reality. I understood that what I live in today is what I thought and believed before, currently manifested! I began to REALLY understand the power of words and communication! I really do create my own world and my own life!

quote:“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” /?

And then I spotted a quote from Katie again on 'the gift of critique', which pleased me the most:

quote: When someone says you are wrong, are unkind, unclear or not caring etc, feel it! Experience it, even invite it. Ask yourself: Is that true? May they be right? Can I see how anyone could see me like that? Wait for the answer. See if you can answer only with "Thanks for letting me know. You may be right!"

After the critique, ask yourself, "Was it in anyway unpleasant or painful to receive the critique?" If the answer is yes, then it’s a sign that you believe the critique is true and that you haven’t worked it through yet or gone deep enough. See what happens when you inquire your thought that immediately wants to go in defence.

Defence is the first act of war. If you tell me I am mean, negative, hard, unkind, unfair, I say: "Thank you dear, I can find all of that in my life, I have been all of that and more. Tell me everything you see, and together we may help me understand. Through you I get to know myself. Without you, how could I know the places inside of me that are so unkind and invisible?" This is how friends meet. It is called integrity. /From I need your love – is that true?

By this time of my development, I clearly saw the pattern of how emotions, thoughts, words, communication and the cosmic laws are bound together and interact. Now, the question was... what to do about my blind spots causing verbal violence? How can I proceed? How can I practice awareness within this field?

[emc]

On communication

Verbal communication

I started to dig among my tools, and remembered some different techniques on communication. One of them was interestingly Non-Violent Communication, NVC – pure ahimsa!!! Now I have learned that it has a great spiritual component and is well known within spiritual circles. (http://www.cnvc.org/nvc.htm) It was a long time since I was engaged in it, but it has now been revived to me. I probably still suck at it, but I do my best to work with it. The basic idea is this method creates understanding instead of stirring emotions, thus gives very little incentive to get back at someone.

quote:1. State what you observe - pure facts are allowed without adjectives
2. Tell about your own reaction to it.
3. Tell about your need.
4. Ask if the person wants to help you with that, and if so, ask if he/she would kindly... whatever.

Example: There is a "doing-the-dishes schedule" in the family, but dishes are all around in a mess. Mum gets angry! But she says:

1. I see a lot of dishes around here.
2. I get very frustrated and scared when I see this. I start thinking "What if someone comes and sees this!"
3. I need to have it tidy around me to feel safe and cool.
4. Would you like to talk with me for a moment about doing the dishes?
5. Could you help me by doing the dishes according to the schedule or do you have any other good thought on what could be done?

Noone is ever to blame for not doing the dishes. There is no past involved. Only NOW and future solutions. There are many pitfalls, though in using this method, and it takes a great deal of practice! For example, emotions that require another to have done or thought something to you is not to be used - I feel humiliated, put down, treated with no respect... That implies that the other person actually did something wrong, sending the guilt message, fueling fight.

I am not very consequent in using this myself, but when I use it, it is always super effective! NVC can be applied everywhere aggression pops up. The paradoxical truth is that, no matter how unjust, rude or totally idiotic a person or situation might be... it solves when you use NVC!!!! It is a real Gandhi-method, and it has proven to work! However, you must be prepared to not WIN!

quote:Most people spend all their energy on personal importance, on defending the picture they have of themselves and on defending their opinions. They put a lot of energy on trying to be right and to see to that others are wrong. This nonsense behaviour is funny when you look at it from the outside, but becomes a great drama when you are in the middle of it. The drama drain us of energy. If we keep what we believe in, and keep all our deals [with our false beliefs], we will have no energy left. /Don Miguel Ruiz

TA - Transactional Analysis is another famous technique. It is based on a system where communication is thought to be different depending on which role you have at the moment:

-The parent, judging, criticizing or being supportive and empathic - disregarded of 'colour', it gives the other person a feeling of being smaller than s/he really is.

- The child, emotional and direct - can be liberating but often not functional.

- The adult, the objective role, rational, solution seeking and responsible – might sound like the "best role", but life would be terribly boring if we took that role constantly.

We always switch quickly between these roles. The idea of the method is to become more aware of these roles, which gives us a greater possibility to choose which one is best for the moment. When someone is using the parent role towards you giving you a rebuke, you can refuse to get into a child role (martyr, anger), refuse to get lured into  an answer from the same judging parent role ("well, you did this and that yourself"), but instead state the facts and try to get into an adult-adult conversation, or at least keep yourself in the adult role, independent of the other's role.

Written communication

When we speak,we have the great benefits of being able to use our body language, which is often the major sender system we have: gesture, posture, clothes, tone, pitch, tempo, mimics etc. Some say 80% of our communication is non-verbal. It becomes a bit more difficult just using phone. What happens when we write? We are handicapped. On the web the smilies are an attempt to make up for the loss of mimics, but it is a poor substitute. I guess we all have experiences of that. I can go totally neurotic when I lose feeling for the tone in a post - there is so much space left for interpretations, projections and fantasies!

My experience is accordingly, that misunderstandings are common when communicating on the internet (mail, forum, chat), causing unnecessary drama. I try to always write as clear as possible, but still - I upset people sometimes, I forget myself, I get sucked into a discussion and start to spread poison in my unconscious state.
 
Changing habits

One of the most difficult habits I struggle with is my easy slip into a "debating style" in both speech and written language. I become a politician, using every semantic trick I can, using every argumentation technique I have learned in my rhetoric class. I twist and turn others' argument in order to make them look foolish, I go for a personal attack when I don't have any objective arguments left (start to question the other's authority, amount of knowledge and experience, age or other personal characteristics. Yes, I blush admitting it, but it's true. ). The 2000 year old school of rhetoric teach excellent ways to put others down. Very not-yogic in my opinion and very far from the wisdom of Katie, Ruiz and others. But I have never thought about that before! On the contrary, I thought is was elegant ways to fight intellectually.

What woke me up was my present job; we have a norm culture there that is strictly ideological: equality and respect on all levels are custom. If you break the norm you are told at once! I feel so privileged to work there. I have been forced to self-inquiry, practice a dialogue style instead of a debate style. The work method we use is problem solving focused and negativity, dwelling in the past etc is non-existent. In a dialogue the aim is to do a mutual journey toward greater understanding, taking turns to listen and share. I learn that communicating with that aim is so much more rewarding.

Tolle's suggestion on changing is to just be aware and let the silence burn the blockages. Yogani is also fond of that solution, writing in this section of forum:

quote:Again, in AYP we rely primarily on the rise of inner silence and the natural purifying tendencies contained within it to inspire our conduct and personal habits to higher expression. This is why in AYP you do not find many rules of "do's and don'ts." Paths that focus heavily on yamas and niyamas tend to be filled with rules and regulations -- highly regimented. And initiations into additional yoga practices (like those we discuss openly in AYP) are contingent on following the requirements of yamas and niyamas to the satisfaction of the guru. This works for some people, but not for most.

Further, I found a very informative thread in forum on this topic: http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=608

I don't see the need to satisfy any other guru but my guru within with my work on yamas and niyamas regarding communication style. Perhaps it is my practices that have worked really well, since I have been so inspired to improve my conduct on communication.
 
But I still have a loooooooooong way to go! . I must say this forum is filled with so many kind, clear and well-written posts it's like a well to drink fresh water from! I enjoy being here and reading your posts. I see you as my teachers (for example, Christi alerted me on an upsetting post I had written just the other week, and I am so grateful! Thank you, Christi!). I truly hope and wish that you all will continue to help me improve in this area. By pointing out my slips and/or by reacting emotionally showing me I was not loving and true in my speech. Preferably, I’d like all such help being sent to me in private (email if you click on my nick). I find it not very functional to fill the forum with such matters - I'd like to have the threads clean of personal stuff like that (pure practical forum hygiene). In private mails I would just love to get feed-back on my blind spots!

Thank you for reading this essay!

quote:"The pen is mightier than the sword." /Edward Bulwer-Lytton

[Blue Opal]

Here's an Urdu couplet on the power of words:

Baat heera hain, baat moti hain, baat laakhon ki izzat khoti hain,
Baat har baat ko nahin kahlati hain, baat badi mushkil se hoti hain.

- Anonymous

Rough translation:

(Some) words (speech?) can be like diamonds, (some) words can be like pearls, (some) words have the power to humiliate and insult hundreds of thousands of people,
Not everything you say will touch the hearts of other people,
Words that truly uplift are hard to come by.

[emc]

Blue Opal, can you tell more about what made you think of that quote and what it means to you?

[Blue Opal]

It just means I try not to hurt others but that's easier said than done. While it's easy to learn how to speak, it's hard to master the art of saying the right thing at just the right moment and that includes thinking the right thoughts. I talk to myself all the time and I realise that I'm sometimes my worst enemy. I might write more on this later.

[emc]

I agree, Blue Opal. It is very much easier said than done. I think it is important to always remember that we are practicing here and let ourselves do it over and over again without beginning to speak untruly with our inner voice.

I read somewhere that life is giving us the same lesson over and over again until we learn. I picture this as constantly ongoing lessons. Everytime someone in my presence get disturbed by something I say or do - I will have to learn something of myself from it. But here I know there might be different opinions. Some will probably say that "some people are just obnoxious or over-sensitive and whatever I do s/he gets emotional". I don't really know about that. It is perhaps true for severely mentally ill persons or persons intoxicated by substances that can be difficult to interact with. Otherwise I am inclined to believe in life presenting us lessons to learn from - we meet persons with the right "trigger capacities" that we need for the moment. Whoever we have to deal with are persons we have drawn into our lives for a purpose - we shall learn from that meeting or interaction.

[Wolfgang]

quote:Originally posted by emc

First I read Byron Katie and understood a lot about projections. When someone insults you, it is a complete misunderstanding! It is not possible to insult anyone.

Hi emc,

I would like to chime in here and share some thoughts.
I didn't read Katie, but your above sentence is not quite right for me,
or may be is not quite complete.
I am sure, there a quite a few people out in this world who
with full purpose have the intent to insult another person.
If I am a fully enlightened being, then I am probably able
to receive such an insult without any hard feelings on my side.
But, I am not fully enlightened ...
I would even say, that also a fully enlightened being does
feel the hate of another person as painful.
If another person hits you in the face, you certainly will
feel pain, and I believe, spiritual aggression can be felt the same.

So, saying that it is not possible to insult anyone is almost
like saying it is not possible to feel pain !?
Or is this a problem of words, insult <-> pain ?
If someone wants to insult you, does he want to cause pain ?

Of course I can decide how I react to the pain, how I react to the insult.
In the ideal sense, I would recognise the intended insult, but I
would not be affected by the insult.
I would be able to lovingly ask the person why he/she intended
to insult me, or ask him whether he has indeed intended to insult me,
thus clarifying whether it is only my perception
or if it is indeed an intended act of aggression.

Love and Light
Wolfgang

[emc]

Interesting thoughts, Wolfgang. I can understand that that sentence looks strange for someone not used to Katies twists.

The only thing that comes to my mind is this:

Would you be insulted if a five year old came angry to you after misunderstanding something you said or did and said:
- You are so stupid the clocks stop!
It is definitely intended to hurt you. It is an outburst of anger. It is due to a misunderstanding.

That is my understanding of Katies words. What is the difference between an unaware child and an unaware adult? Absolutely none in my opinion. Are we misunderstanding each other as adults? Yes. Don't we all have a veil before our eyes preventing us from seeing clearly - that we are all love, all one? That is the total misunderstanding and we want to see clearly. To start to realize that people cannot hurt with intent and be aware at the same time solves your problem. There is no true intent in that - the person really loves you (because we are all one) he/she just doesn't realize it yet due to loads of emotional wounds uncleansed. There is absolutely no reason for you to interpret it as an insult - it is an emotional outburst due to a great misunderstanding. Why should I be more upset because of the age of the person? Five or fifty. Same, same, but different.

Is that making it any more clear?

What makes it an "insult" is only your interpretation of it due to projections - what you read into it with your veil before your eyes. The veil is made of earlier experiences - the past - triggering assumptions, opinions and feelings.

According to Katie, even physical pain is perceived as "no problem" on her side. She is home in every condition. That, however, doesn't mean she doesn't avoid pain. But she is not suffering when it hits her. Pain is love. (And that I know myself due to cosmic glimpses).

[Etherfish]

Wolfgang wrote:

quote:
I would be able to lovingly ask the person why he/she intended
to insult me, or ask him whether he has indeed intended to insult me,
thus clarifying whether it is only my perception
or if it is indeed an intended act of aggression.

I think this is asking for trouble, and the answer probably won't make you feel any better, but:

quote:In the ideal sense, I would recognise the intended insult, but I
would not be affected by the insult.

this is exactly right.
the best reaction is humor. It takes some practice, but:
You can act like it hurt you but you are playing a character
You can act like it doesn't hurt at all, throw one back at them, but with a funny facial expression or something to let them know you're playing.
You can say "ouch- that hurt" and be perfectly honest, but lighthearted.

The idea is to receive what they gave you without allowing it to be evil. It doesn't matter if they meant it to hurt or not.

[Sparkle]

Thanks for very well written pieces Emc.

I have booked in for a Byron Katie workshop in Dublin for July and must read one of her books in the meantime - do you have a recommendation?

The non-violet communication is also of interest to me, not just for the forum but for all my relationships. I can see so many applications for me and I would also love to pass this stuff onto my kids.

The forum seems an ideal place to practice this kind of communication because, although we don't have the body language, we have time between posts to reflect on our feelings and projections. We can, if we wish, sleep on it or meditate on it and work on a non-violent response.

Louis

[emc]

Ether, "The idea is to receive what they gave you without allowing it to be evil. It doesn't matter if they meant it to hurt or not."

Wow, that was a beautiful way to put it!

I wonder though, can this be something you can apply "fake it until you make it" on? Even though the feelings of indignation run through you as a reflex, you can stop yourself from acting out, and take care of the emotions later. Or will that be counter productive, since feelings often are difficult to hide, creating double messages? Hm... What to you think?

Thanks for that, Sparkle. It took a few days.

I have only read two - Byron Katie's classic "Loving what is" and "I need your love - Is that true". They are great. I have also attended 3 weekend workshops doing The Work. Still would love to see Byron herself...

Your last sentence has a good point, Sparkle! And thank GOD for the EDIT BUTTON! [:O]

[Etherfish]

emc wrote:

quote:I wonder though, can this be something you can apply "fake it until you make it" on? Even though the feelings of indignation run through you as a reflex, you can stop yourself from acting out, and take care of the emotions later. Or will that be counter productive, since feelings often are difficult to hide, creating double messages? Hm... What to you think?

Yes, I firmly believe you can "fake it until you make it" with this. I've found people react most to the message that has the most energy. So it's OK if you wince, and are quiet for a couple seconds as you feel the pain. If you follow that with an energetic response, either loud, or exaggerated facial expression, or exaggerated body language, or if you just exaggerate the amount of time spent on it by using a lot of words, any of these will make them forget the original response (at least in my culture; don't know about the rest of the world!)

PS: It's OK for them to get the original message; that they hurt you.

[Anthem]

HI EMC,

Thank you for your  clear and very well written posts, lot's of great wisdom and reminders![]

I have definitely observed many changes in the way I communicate the further I travel along the spiritual path. I try never to speak any word that isn't true for me, I don't like the feeling when I don't. I notice my communication is derived more now from my heart than my mind and am also aware of my desire to not offend, hurt or spread any of my own emotional discontent. I don't feel it is the responsible choice to dump it on another. This becomes much easier when I understand where a person's violence (verbal or otherwise) comes from. The inner pain from which they are operating.

 

quote:By this time of my development, I clearly saw the pattern of how emotions, thoughts, words, communication and the cosmic laws are bound together and interact. Now, the question was... what to do about my blind spots causing verbal violence? How can I proceed? How can I practice awareness within this field?

I love the suggestions from NVC. I do believe that our increasing awareness will fuel ever improving behaviour and interaction for each of us in our respective lives.

all the best,

A

[Katrine]

Hi emc
Thank you for communicating all this!

 

quote:you can stop yourself from acting out, and take care of the emotions later.

Yes. It is absolutely possible to stop myself from acting out. But by "taking care of the emotions later" I rob myself of the most effective tool for "doing this": Awareness. When I become aware of the onset of anger; it is my experience that I can watch it happen....watch it.....watch it...allow the full flow of the emotion to surge up.....and then die down. It all takes place on the inside. If I am aware, I don't act it out. If unaware; well.....we all know what happens then. But the consequenses of unawareness - if accepted and understood - can also lead to greater awareness. When I am being a total ***; it is never too late to understand (luckily).

So - I guess what I am saying is that the instant the awareness reaches a level where it is possible for me to watch instead of act, in an emotional triggered situation, this is the best way to handle it. Many benefits are possible through this:

1. Nobody gets hurt (not me either - since I don't suppress)
2. I become aware of what triggered the anger
3. The anger is seen in a bigger context - "reaction tracks" are seen
4. There is no residue - other than increased awareness
5. I learn that I am not my feelings - they happen in me

So....the way to practise awareness in any field, is to simply allow anything; and watch everything - even my own resistance can be watched. To practise awareness....is to be aware.

Of course.....the most effective tool that I know of for this.....is deep meditation.

[emc]

Thanks Anthem and Katrine!

quote:I have definitely observed many changes in the way I communicate the further I travel along the spiritual path. I try never to speak any word that isn't true for me, I don't like the feeling when I don't.

Yes, that is how I feel too. But I am a bit slow in my reactions still. I notice that things sometimes start to go sluggish in a situation, there is more and more resistance, more and more negativity - then I notice I am on the wrong track! But it takes a while. Sometimes it is too late to turn the situation around; then I take that experience with me, analyse it and try to fight my impulse to hit myself for doing that mistake again. Sometimes I manage to turn the situation by taking a deep breath, put a smile on my face and GIVE THE OTHER PERSON RIGHT. I start receiving instead of pushing my opinion on the other. Then it can come sunshine instantly!

Katrine, it seems you have increased your speed in this process. I'd love to be able to just watch in presence, but I am not quite there yet. It happens now and then, but not as a habit yet. Your description is so inspiring, though! And true, by meditation we increase our ability to stay present.

Talking about silence... We all love silence, don't we, but I have thought about another communication pitfall and that is "the silent treatment". Silence is a powerful tool in destructive communication. Refusing to answer, getting silent when someone enters the room, neglect of transfering information etc. It can be very threatening. If you ask a question and don't receive an answer there is pleanty of empty space for the mind to go on a race track, hunting as many explanations as possible. For neurotics like me it is for example devastating not to get a response on a post or a mail.

(Haha, Blue Opal, read your first post with the quote again and just imagine what my mind created with that one, turning it against myself! )