Polyamory

[CarsonZi]

Howdy friends

Just curious if any other AYPers out there are in polyamorous relationships and care to share about how this has affected them on their path.  

My wife and I recently decided to open our marriage and it has resulted in some of the most stunning personal (and collective) growth either of us have ever experienced.  We are experiencing life, others, our relationship and ourselves in a completely new and profound way.

I won't say much more here if there is no interest in discussing, just wanted to toss it out there as I haven't experienced "spiritual growth" at this rate or intensity since I first found AYP.  

Love,
Carson

[BlueRaincoat]

Hello Carson

I don't have direct experience of polyamorous relationships, but I have been close to a couple who has.

Perhaps you will find it helpful if I tell you a little of their story.  They took the decision to open up their marriage after many years of monogamy (children in their late teens). Things went well for a while, for both of them. The wife started a relationship with a close family friend who, for a time, even lived in their house. A few years later this fiend started a relationship with another woman, a more traditionally-minded one, who presented him with a choice - between herself and his former lover. He chose his new relationship. Following this event, the wife has not had any further extra-marital relationships, while the husband had a succession of lovers. This is the point where the wife started to be unhappy with the arrangement. I don't think she was under the illusion she would have received more of her husband's love had their relationship stayed monogamous, but she would have got more companionship (he travelled a lot with his work too, while she was the one staying home with the kids). This unhappiness lasted several years. At some point the husband started to make an effort to appease her. A lot of resentment had accumulated there - the strain was almost palpable - but he is a very self-confident person and kept working on it. They are still together - now reaching retirement, children grown up. I can't tell if all her resentments are done away with but it looks like they might grow old together.

I am not suggesting there was more unhappiness in this marriage than in the average monogamous relationship. I just though it might be useful for you to hear it, so here it is.

[CarsonZi]

Hi Blueraincoat,

Your story helps to illustrate what my wife and I are finding about being polyamorous... that it is a very beautiful spiritual practice, if consciously entered into with that intention.

What your story illustrates is that this couple willingly put themselves into a situation in which they would have to learn to deal with some very difficult emotions and learn to communicate on a level that is extraordinary, or fail.  They also had to learn to compromise, ask for what they want and learn to make and communicate specific boundaries.  Not saying that can't be achieved in a monogamous relationship, but it is much harder in my experience.

Learning to deal with the specific emotions of resentment and jealousy, not by shelving them or changing the situation so they go away, but instead by inquiring into the why they are happening, is something that every polyamorous couple will have to do.  And what they all seem to find is that these emotions are founded on an unconfronted belief in ownership of their partner.  This lesson alone is invaluable, at least in our experience.  Once we willingly drop the belief in owning the other, our whole world seemed to shift... everything was experienced with a profoundly deepened love.  It's like we took the walls down and the whole world rushed into our hearts.  

This obviously isn't for everyone, and I don't make any claims about us being "successful."  But it sure feels right for both of us so......  

Love,
Carson

P.S.  Being polyamorous doesn't necessarily mean that the people involved are sleeping with or having multiple relationships... or even trying to.  It just means they are open to it happening if it does.

[yogani]

Hi Carson:

I have seen several open marriages over the years, and they all ended in divorce. Is this a wise thing to do when there are small children involved? Of course any marriage can lead to divorce, but the odds of it are higher with an open marriage. Also, the cases I have seen have involved one partner leading the way into the open marriage, with the other going along with it out of love and a desire to please their partner. So the suggestion is to take a close look at who is driving this and why, and is it really in the best long term interest of the family, and the children especially.

Your call of course.

The guru is in you.

PS: Polyamory may work better in a culture that accepts it as normal, or in an intentional community where all are on the same page, with the children being raised by multiple parents living in close proximity, etc. But in a largely monogamous culture of separate households, expectations are going to be different, as will the outcomes.

[CarsonZi]

Hi Yogani,

Yes, we can appreciate all your valid concerns. They have also all been considered. And like I said, it may not work, but we are both at a point where we feel it is what we want and the most appropriate step forward for us as a family.  

We attempted polyamory about 5 or 6 years ago and it failed for all the reasons you mentioned. We took it off the table as a possibility for us back then. But, having grown as individual as well as as a couple, we are both wanting to give it another shot. Back then it was me driving it because I am at heart, polyamorous.  Now, it is us together as a couple saying that we value freedom, connection and intimacy more than we value social convention and that we are ready to give it another shot.

We have walked into this with eyes open, and regarding the kids we already are raising them in a non-traditional way (homeschooling/unschooling with a group of parents) so it won't be nearly as confusing for them as it might seem. Both the kids are also incredibly aware/astute and we are open and honest with them about literally everything.

I trust that we as a family unit are strong enough to either make this work or weather the storm should it not.  I do truly appreciate the concern all the same.

Love,
Carson

[NewbieGG]

I have a close friends who practicing open marriage more than 15 years . The are stable and successful as couple more than before as individuals (I know them long time).
     They stick to the sexual aspect of having other people involved . They never invite someone to live with them or anything more than sex . Once I was invited too but I declined ...
      Looks like it works for them . Personally for me it sounds more like  experiment than a real need . Best of luck .

   

[Bodhi Tree]

I'm praying (samyama) for you and your wife, and for the depth you are seeking.

[BlueRaincoat]

quote:Originally posted by CarsonZi
it was me driving it because I am at heart, polyamorous.  

My husband once said there are no monogamous or polygamous men. Only men who have found what they were looking for and those who haven not (yet).
What will happen if you do find what you are looking for? And, taking Yogani's point, what will happen if this hypothetical woman turns out to be of monogamous persuasion and wants a family of her own?

Maybe that is a lot of hypothesising, but it is a good idea to consider all possible scenarios beforehand. Once one of you has had that first extra-marital relationship, you will not be able to go back to square one (as the woman in my example above found out).

[Anima]

Dear Carson,

Wow, man, thank you for posting this. It must have taken some serious courage to do so, regardless of our opinions. Props to you for opening this question up.

I've hung out with poly couples/householders. I went to a couple discussion panels on polyamory that were coordinated through a fetish community website and went out for dinner with the speakers afterwards. I have also seen a lot of open relationships in the gay community, and was in one myself in graduate school (with an escort). I've seen a lot of wreckage, pain, emotional, physical, and substance abuse in marriages and committed relationships. I've seen young men get STIs, some fatal, and I've seen firsthand what can happen to children when their (my) parents never faced their problems. Children often will turn to drugs, be removed by the state (like I was for a year, with all my brothers and little sister), and develop serious emotional and behavioral problems in young adulthood, including sexual irresposibility, which may be criminal. I've been living at a homeless shelter for a week, and plenty of my friends' stories line up with what I'm describing. But I still have yet to hear a homeless man's story of a happy, stable, loving family life, marriage, or childhood.

My own experience is that a decision to forgoe monogamy was a personal distraction from my own problems: failing intimacy and lack of personal acknowledgement.

Now, don't let me pose up on this. You know what you really need to do. But since you opened the channels for feedback, I have to urge you to reconsider your decision.

[Dogboy]

Now that arousal is a strong presence in my body, I find I can internalize any sexual vibration from beautiful people I encounter.  It's a physical thrill in the shushumna. I can be poly and monogamous in that moment, and no one but me and Guru are any the wiser!

[Bodhi Tree]

quote:Originally posted by Dogboy

Now that arousal is a strong presence in my body, I find I can internalize any sexual vibration from beautiful people I encounter.  It's a physical thrill in the shushumna. I can be poly and monogamous in that moment, and no one but me and Guru are any the wiser!

Niiiiice. Refinement.

[kumar ul islam]

Love comes but only once so gather its virtues  as its a momentary glance of utopia in the infinity of time .

[LucienneK]

Hello everyone. The wife here. I wanted to come and offer my own perspective of the situation.

First of all, Carson and I have not taken this decision lightly. As he mentioned, it was something that was brought up a couple of years ago but we found the timing wasn't right. We both weren't at a place, both personally and relationship wise, to delve into that. Over the years it was discussed a couple of times but never felt *right*. This time is so different. We both can feel it.

My personal experience so far, with just the decision having been made has been astounding. A weight has lifted and doors have been opened. I have tapped into a part of me that long ago lay dead, deep inside. I feel more true to myself and in return true to Carson. I have had more personal growth and enlightenment happen to me since coming out with this decision, then I probably have had my whole life. I actually don't see it so much as a decision but a coming out of truth.

To make it even more amazing, the growth Carson and I have felt as a couple has been profound. We both feel a stronger attraction to each other, more understanding towards each other and above all, a deeper connection. It has allowed us to break down the barriers that stood between us and grow stronger as a couple. It's amazing what can happen when you take the power struggle of sex/emotions out of the picture and what can happen between people. Granted we are full aware we are in for some hardships, and most likely heartaches. But the most important part for us? Is we are doing it together. Above all else, we want to grow old together and raise our family, why shouldn't we do it at peace with ourselves, happier than we've ever been, and also spread the love beyond our small circle?

[Dogboy]

It's a brave new world for yourselves and your children. What is their take on the change of structure?

[Bodhi Tree]

Greetings LucienneK,

I've yet to sustain a long-term monogamous relationship, and I'm currently single, so my perspective is very much on the side of being a novice seeker, as opposed to Yogani, who apparently has gone the distance in an ecstatic marriage, which seems to include deeply spiritual tantra as part of the equation. However, in the past several years, I do have experience sharing some of the murkier aspects of my life in a public forum (I'm talking about Alcoholics Anonymous), so I appreciate your candor and willingness to share such intimate details.

Because I am releasing intentions, visions, and wishes into the unwritten future, this is a helpful topic for me moving forward and having aspirations to start a family.

I just want to say a couple things.

My experience in ongoing enlightenment has indicated that the process is just as much about unpeeling layers as building a dream. There is a stripping of impurities, but there is also collaboration and creativity in working with others to shape the landscape of our mutual reality (physically, mentally, emotionally). When it comes to intimacy, the unpeeling aspect is certainly highly relevant. When we take off our clothes, we reveal our naked body; when we take down our defense mechanisms, we show our innocent, childlike mind.

Just to cut to the chase...I think a successful, long-term monogamous relationship would have to consist of devotion to getting to the core of each other, and that the closer the partners get to the core, the more ecstatic bliss there is. (I've only had a taste of this). It's the willingness to embark on a journey through obstructions that will determine the depth and fruition of the union. In short, wouldn't seeking other partners simply be starting over again, rather than persisting in the cultivation of further depth with your current partner?

I just have this intuitive sense that monogamy can be totally satisfying and fulfilling--if we are willing to spend the time and energy peeling off the layers, and building a co-creative dream of uniqueness and artistry. Of course, this is my vision, not my reality.

Thank you again for sharing. It doesn't get much realer than this. Wishing you both the best in this experiment of life.