I'm in love with a massage therapist I've been going to see for a couple years. I was deep, deep, deep in meditation a couple days ago, and I had an ecstatic/erotic vision with her in it. Wasn't trying to deliberately imagine anything, but the image would not be denied. Not sure if she has a boyfriend.
We usually hug after the session. Today as I was walking away, she reached out and brushed my back with her hand as if trying to grab me. I kept walking. Interesting.
The past few years have had a string of short-term monogamous relationships. None have lasted. Obviously, I am a little confused, and slightly tortured. When will the wash-rinse-repeat cycle end?
Well, the formula is touch and release,
a la samyama. All good things in all good time. If it's meant to be...blah blah blah. More platitudes to tarnish reality with.
Also, I pretty much fall in love with everyone. With women, it's much worse. Their beauty is consistently astounding. This is not lust. This is a reverence, an admiration, a non-dual reflection of Self.
Or, maybe I'm just highly delusional and stuck in some failing patterns of attachment and flights of fancy.
Anyway, any thoughts appreciated. Random, whimsical, deep, shallow...all good.