Hi guys,
have had extreme overload going on three weeks now. People around me are unnerved, except a close friend I've been seeing and talking with.
My stepdad was very dear in my life and very gentle. I went to see his Buddhist teacher yesterday, to whom I had written a letter two months ago, which I wrote on the Chicago retreat. For some reason, I heard his name on some of my most difficult nights leading up to the retreat. I knew I needed to see him.
My experience listening to this teacher, finding the learning center, and afterward, was very bizarre in terms of energy and "coincidences." I can't even list them all. While he talked, seated at the front of the room, I felt like a ghost, barely in my body. It felt like a very "high pitch" wavelength. I knew he could sense what I was feeling.
After his talk, he let people line up to ask him questions, which is rare (as is his being there in person). It all made sense to me though, as I had known the night before that this was the day to come see him.
I greeted him silently, with palms folded. He offered me his hand, which I took. He asked me my name, which I told him. He asked me my last name, which I repeated for him. He let go of my hand around this time. I asked if he had gotten my letter. "Yes, I got your letter," he said. I smiled faintly and looked at him for a few moments, and I began to feel sad. He asked me what I wanted. I glanced away and asked, "What do you think of attachment to living?" I don't remember his short reply, as I view the question more as a hiccup or unintentional deflection.
As in the letter, I related to him that I have been considering resigning myself to monastic life. "I have been thinking of taking up monastic life. What do you think," I asked him. "I don't think so," he said. "You're not ready... Monastic life is not always happy. "What should I do," I asked. "Do nothing... Be happy." That is what he said, and I smiled again. I thanked him and turned to leave, but he said "wait." I went back to him, and he took my hand again. He reassured me that I am supposed to be happy. He thanked me, and I thanked him, and I left. Funny, since he talked about “practicing what you preach” in his talk.
I feel really depressed now. I feel like giving up all my ambitions and efforts. I feel like isolating myself. Like I’m an animal that need to crawl under a cool rock and disappear. I feel hopeless and deluded, deceived, even. Lonely like my words are poison and like I’m dangerous. Also, completely rejected by AA. Just feel like giving up.
But I do care about something. I must.