Relapse, Tough Love, Co-Dependency

[Bodhi Tree]

A couple days ago, my roommate relapsed after a year of sobriety (no alcohol or drugs). This is disturbingly common in the recovery community, and it's happened to me once before. Only with the passing of time, reflection, and an adjustment of behavior/attitude/devotion, can the causes be discerned, and the solution be discovered.

Reflecting on my relapse about 2-and-a-half years ago, it was mainly driven by an effort to change what was not mine to change. In AA, that's why the Serenity Prayer is uttered quite often. It is: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." So, the point is to always balance on that perfect fulcrum of self-will and God-will. Where does self end, and God begin? I don't know. I only know that serenity is palpable when the balance is aligned.

Anway, after months of helping pay his portion of the rent, and badgering him like a big brother, his relapse was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had to give him the boot, take his key, and tell him that the house was off limits. But I assured him that we could talk, and that no bridges are permanently burned.

We often need cold water to the face, and maybe this will be the big splash he needs to wake up to the reality of taking care of ourselves, so we can take care of others. And maybe this will be my wake-up call that I can't save anybody, and that I shouldn't prolong any efforts to do so.

The path is driven by solitary desire, and solidified by a community of like-minded seekers. The greatest gift is the choice to direct our energy to whatever we want to pursue. Anyone who says that free will is non-existent is delusional. Life is a mixture, a conconction, a hybrid of personal and divine will. Note it.

[maheswari]

[Dogboy]

Amen, Bohdi!

[kami]

quote:Originally posted by Bodhi Tree

We often need cold water to the face, and maybe this will be the big splash he needs to wake up to the reality of taking care of ourselves, so we can take care of others. And maybe this will be my wake-up call that I can't save anybody, and that I shouldn't prolong any efforts to do so.

Dear Bodhi,

This part has been true here too. I have needed a splash of cold water on the face to see the absolute nonserving nature of a friendship, and the conflict between the heart and mind to let it go. In this case, it was of the inability of the attached mind to cut the cords of a dying friendship - the impending death had been evident for some time, the deceptions and manipulations seen through and yet, the heart could not fathom letting go. Every time the opportunity arose, the heart trumped, compromises were made and so it went. It was the erroneous thinking that letting go from one's life necessarily means letting go of the person from one's heart. And it does not have to be that way.

As we grow and change, some relationships are simply "done". The karmic contract is complete. There is nothing more we are to learn from each other. Growing in love also does not necessarily mean putting up with someone's inability or unwillingness to grow. It is best to accept that some people are simply not capable of changing at the same rate/time in a given relationship - at this point, the whole thing becomes a great burden. And the most loving thing to do is to let them go from our lives, while still holding them in our hearts.

Wishing you love and strength.

[Bodhi Tree]

Yes, kami. The heart and mind must be aligned. Feelings and thoughts work together.

P.S. Since the first post, the aforementioned roommate is back on his feet (in another dwelling), and back to the grindstone of solidying his sobriety and playing an active role in recovery.

When we get knocked down, we get back up again. Therein lies the formation of character.

[Anima]

quote: Originally posted by Bodhi Tree
We often need cold water to the face, and maybe this will be the big splash he needs to wake up to the reality of taking care of ourselves, so we can take care of others. And maybe this will be my wake-up call that I can't save anybody, and that I shouldn't prolong any efforts to do so.

Duly noted, Bodhi [Huggs]

quote: Originally posted by Kami
"...the impending death had been evident for some time, the deceptions and manipulations seen through and yet, the heart could not fathom letting go."

Growing in love also does not necessarily mean putting up with someone's inability or unwillingness to grow. It is best to accept that some people are simply not capable of changing at the same rate/time in a given relationship - at this point, the whole thing becomes a great burden. And the most loving thing to do is to let them go from our lives, while still holding them in our hearts.

Yes, Kami. This is very much the case at work. My boss chewed me out for calling and telling him about a safety concern during a delivery yesterday. I did my best to follow his instructions, which were to stay put until someone else arrived. When he disparaged my character and launched critical opinions at me at the end of my shift (not the first time), he would not allow any input from me and offered no solution. Both my bosses are very manipulative and very transparent. One is a complete jerk, kind of pathetic, really. But the ordeal made me very anxious, and I am still angry.

I will attempt to be honest and talk it out with the general manager, but my hopes for that are dim. The reality is that it's time to move on to a calmer, higher paying job.

Thank you for this thread, guys!

[3]Be happy[3]

[Bodhi Tree]

And the rollercoaster continues...this time with another man who has been couch surfing in my house.

I made a big mistake. He had broken up with a longtime girlfriend and quickly started dating another woman in the AA circuit. So, I figured, well, it'll probably be OK if I ask the ex-girlfriend out since there seems to be a connection and he has moved on. So I did, and then I told him over the phone, and he exploded and has been sending insults, threats, etc. since yesterday. Fortunately, I've passed him in the house without any physical altercation, but the tension is frighteningly palpable.

But, just to make this topic "spiritual", I have been using all the spiritual tools at my disposal to make peace with him--that includes much samyama (beckoning the help of others as well), and using non-violent resolution as the ishta of the hour as this drama unfolds.

One big lesson here is how real cause and effect are. Every intention and action has an effect beyond myself, and I just need to take that with a new level of seriousness, I guess.

Well, if I end up in the hospital or dead, that would be a bummer, but I'm going to hope for the best. Any feedback is appreciated.

[BillinL.A.]

Too bad your couch surfing friend doesn't care enough about his ex to see that she'd be lucky to date you.  He could have grown so much by accepting and maybe even being grateful that you date his ex.

How hideous he's so threatening towards you instead.

I hope you give plenty of weight to how much he's screwing up Bodhi cuz it already sounds like you've taken upon yourself more than your fair share of the situation's "seriousness".

You've expressed before how you might pursue a romantic relationship...even in the face of your monastic Buddhist friends.

You not only have a right to do that but a compulsion in the sense of our need to be honest spiritually with our personality.  Or else we crash and burn for sure.

Samayama stillness and prayers going your way for sure Bodhi Tree.

[Bodhi Tree]

Thank you, BillinLA. Much appreciated.

Today has reached a new level of stress, as he more directly threatened me via text again. Fortunately, we have an intermediary figure in the form of an AA sponsor. This guy is like an angel--incredibly calm and neutral and very much interested in helping us resolve it. I'm ready to call the cops though, if the mediation is not sufficient.

He said he is going to move out very soon, so now it's just a waiting game, and a matter of giving him some space to get out. Very delicate. This is testing my whole being. This is such a lower chakra thing that is in the process of elevating. I haven't felt this stretched maybe ever.

Live and learn. We are shaped by the fire of our trials.

[cosmic]

Hey Bodhi,

Stay strong, my friend. I hope the mediation goes smoothly and leads to understanding and peace for everyone involved. You have my support. Feel free to activate it!

[Bodhi Tree]

Thank you, cosmic! Much appreciated.

[lalow33]

Hi Bodhi,

Sorry if this is judgemental.  While reading this, I can't help but wonder why he's still staying at your house.  There's consequences to his actions as well.  He needs to go!

[lalow33]

Just wanted to add that I think this is a spiritual and relevant topic.  I'm sure there are many of us who have tried to help people and had it back fire on us.  It's not always easy to know what to do.  Thanks Bodhi for posting this.

[Bodhi Tree]

Right. That's the tricky part. He's given me rent money already, so he's saying he'll be out by the end of the month. I'm saying I'll give him the money back if he'll leave immediately, but he's posing resistance. If he threatens me one more time though, I'll get a restraining order and have him removed. It's all posturing and prideful nonsense, so I'm just trying to gracefully remove him without fanning the fire or making it worse. Very delicate.

I am doing persistent samyama on the matter (I mention this to keep it AYP-related, and not just Bodhi's drama, which I despise, by the way). Also, I'm seeking the counsel and support of high-vibration, spiritually-oriented people like you, lalow33, and that is very helpful.

Unity. Strength. Wisdom.

[Radharani]

Dear brother Bodhi,  

I agree with Lalow that this is indeed a "spiritual and relevant topic."  Like that Police song, "We Are Spirits in The Material World" and the world and its people require a practical response on our part.

You have my sympathy.  I, too, am currently dealing with problematic renters who are relatives, which makes it even worse in a way because then you have all the "family dynamics" that go along with it...!

One of the things that has been hard for me, and maybe it is for you also, is having to put my foot down.  I love everybody.  I don't want to be "mean."  Maybe on some level I have bought into the belief that, "being mean is unspiritual!"  But the fact is, as Lalow said, people need to accept the consequences of their actions and we can't help everyone, especially if they are unwilling to help themselves.  So I've had to learn that it's ok to be quote-unquote "mean" at times, to always act with compassion but do what needs to be done.  I'm right there with ya, bro.  Let's pray our respective "problem tenants" move along peaceably to their new homes in the near future!