Conscious coupling

[kami]

Sharing a write-up from my blog.

The recent announcement of a Hollywood celebrity couple’s divorce has the popular media singing about their choice of words to describe their break-up: conscious uncoupling. Supposedly coined by celebrity marriage therapists, this term is based on the premise that due to increased life expectancy, humans are not meant to stay in one “coupled” relationship for too long (15, 20, 25, 35, 50.. years). Whether there is any truth to this or not, the basic question to ask even before the “uncoupling” is, “What makes up conscious coupling?”

Despite being in committed relationships, most of us remain under the wrong assumption that such a marriage/partnership requires our partners to put in equal (or at least some) effort into it. After all, this is what most relationship gurus advise, what every column and book proclaims. And so, we set ourselves up with conscious and unconscious expectations of what the other person needs to do, simply because we are putting in the effort. When that does not happen, resentments begin to be built up and harbored; these annoyances begin small, like “why can’t he pick up his clothes off the floor?” to “why does she need to talk on the phone all the time?” and gradually permeate every area of life from extended family to raising children to finances to spirituality.  Before long, true intimacy is lost and whether we choose to stay in the relationship or not, we live somewhat separate lives, with no real desire to grow in intimacy.

This cycle stems from the fear of vulnerability, a universal human condition. We are so afraid of being hurt that we close ourselves off to any possible way that anyone can enter our hearts and cause us pain. When we meet someone new and fall in love, it is exhilarating at first and there is every intention to open up to this special person who appears to be the only person that will not hurt us and who will validate us (and in so doing, keep this fear of vulnerability intact).. Like the famous line from a famous movie, we expect the other person to “complete” us. However, when the initial high of falling in love wears off, the effort to continue to validate each other quickly becomes burdensome. And now, there are two quite ordinary humans facing each other in quite ordinary day-to-day things in the quite ordinary way humans generally behave – with obsessive self-centeredness. Everything becomes about “me” and whether or not this “me” is continuously pampered and fussed over.

Conscious coupling (my not-so-original term) is about focusing on one’s own self. Not in the self-centered and narcissistic fashion we tend to focus on ourselves, but to learn to open our hearts to being vulnerable. Relationships are the greatest grist for the mill, from where we can learn to blossom and become fully human and fully divine. Here are some lessons that have come from my own spiritual path that have changed not just the relationship with my partner, but with everyone (all of this applies to a relatively stable relationship free of abuse or danger to ourselves and others in our care):

1. There is nobody that can complete you. You can “uncouple” and “couple” a thousand times, but the completeness you seek is not out “there”. This is because you are already complete; it is just that you do not know it. Seek to find what it is that blocks you from seeing your own completeness.

2. The universe does not revolve around you. And while we are at it, let me also say this – your partner’s world does not revolve around you. Human nature is to be self-absorbed. Thus, his/her universe revolves around himself/herself just as yours revolves around you.

3. Your biggest “relationship problem” is your expectation. You may want him/her to do what you think is right, but your should/should not is your problem, not his/hers. He/she does not need to be more or less understanding, spiritual, clean, lazy, secure, fat, thin, fit, healthy, loving, kind, yadda-yadda. Let your expectations go and miraculously, your partner will mirror you.

4. Give and you shall receive. Sounds very cliched, but this is the highest truth. Relationships are not a barter. There is no “you walk half way and I will walk the other half”. Be willing to walk all the way.  Forget what he/she must do for you. Give without reservation. Give all of your love, all of your care, all of yourself even if you think he/she is not reciprocating. What he/she does is not your business. The only business you need to stay in is yours. Learn to become okay with not receiving in return. See what happens. It is only when you are willing to stretch your heart and mind that the true beauty, the gift and the miracle of Life can be known. Examine your fear of giving to this person you claim to love. Can fear and love co-exist in reality? Your examination of your own psyche will reveal truths that will become stepping stones to growth, true love and intimacy as a couple.

5. Honor your partner. Another greatly quoted but hardly practiced axiom – do unto others what you would have them do to you. Honor him/her the way you would want them to honor you – acknowledge his/her strength, be gentle about his/her weakness. Laugh at yourself in front of him/her, listen deeply to what he/she has to say, respect his/her wishes, disagree with love and laughter when it is called for. At all times, remain secure in the knowledge that this is a fun and growing experience for you both. There is no need to take yourself so seriously.

6. Give in. This last bit is hard for most of us, particularly if we have become accustomed to being go-getters.   Everything has to be “my” way, and we use every strategy in the book to have it this way. When we see the silliness of it all, it becomes much easier to not have an opinion about everything. Look at your own issues with giving in. Is it so critical that it be your way? Does everything need you in the director’s chair monitoring every detail? What a relief it is to give up control! Give in, let go and watch your life change in ways you never imagined.

There is nowhere more important that Gandhi’s wise words ring true than in mundane, daily life lived in the context of relationships – be the change you wish to see in the world. The world is but a mirror of ourselves. Changing from within changes what we see. If only we learned this art and practice of conscious coupling, “uncoupling” would be unnecessary and redundant no matter how long we lived.

[Will Power]

Very nice, thank you Kami!

[Mykal K]

[Sparkle]

Spot on kami[]

[kami]

Thank you for reading, dear friends.

[chinmayo]

Yes, I needed to remind me of this again - thanks for this timely post

[Parallax]

Great post Kami

[pkj]

very well said and a good reminder. Thanks Kami.

[SeySorciere]

Sey

[Bodhi Tree]

Great post.

Having been through a conscious "uncoupling" (AKA divorce), I can mainly only speak of what doesn't work, since I lack any long-term success in the coupling department.

I think what was lacking was a shared vision. I think if I'm ever going to go the distance with a female partner (with family and the whole 9 yards), there will probably have to be a congruent dream of enlightenment. Otherwise, it would just denigrate into the trifle bickering you mentioned (which I have experienced, based on my own immaturity). Even then, a dream of enlightenment might not be enough. The dream would have to be actualized in very concrete terms.

My grandparents, who have been married for over 50 years, were actively involved in church and also share mutual friends that reach beyond their little bubble.

The successful, thriving, and happy relationships I've witnessed seem to have that variable in common: an active involvement with the broader community. That kind of solves the problem of so-called selfishness, since "self" is now seen to be reflected in places beyond the immediate family. Where I see repeated failures (in my own family, and from my historical string of nose dives) is a lack of global vision. The God-hole is then sought to be filled with materialism (or some version of abstract spirituality), which never works, as we know.

I really like how you end with Gandhi's declaration to be the change we want to see. It reminds me of something I heard from a preacher a little while back. He said: Become the person you want to be with. Otherwise, that person will just be a figment of your imagination.

The inner change will manifest the outer desire.

[kami]

Thank you all.

Bodhi: Right at the outset, I must fess up that I'm no relationship "expert". Everything written above has risen from lessons learned in my own marriage.. Thus, what I say may not apply to you or anyone else.

However, I will have to disagree about having "shared" anything, especially visions of enlightenment in order for a relationship to succeed. Sure, shared interests/ideas of building a life together bring (and keep) us together. But, that is pretty much where it usually ends as far as shared visions go. We change as we age and grow; individual and shared experiences can (and do) drastically change our own vision(s) of life. What I wanted in my 20s is no longer applicable. How can I base my life on an agreement with my partner from back then? Or hold him to something he might have wanted but no longer does?

The only shared thing that makes a relationship work is fluidity, and the willingness to take it as it comes. Nothing is guaranteed, including our own fickle wants and needs. It is also not true that being actively involved in the community makes for happier relationships. Over the years, I've become more of a recluse with little interest to socialize; my partner has never cared for it. We are content to just hang out together as a family, getting involved as we see fit. Once again, it is about flexibility.

The biggest barrier to discovering intimacy with my partner was, for me, my own expectations of what a relationship should "look like". Really, it looks like what is going on at the moment. Simple, pure, beautiful and ever so sublime in the degree of contentment to let it be.  

Much love to you. Wishing you will find the partner to go the distance with.

[Bodhi Tree]

Hm. Well, fluidity is an ideal in itself. So, that, in essence, is your shared vision. But, there's always something to move towards, something to deepen, even if it's not community-oriented, or leaning towards divine love (which is expansive and touching the lives of others, without necessarily involving "socialization" or ostentatious displays).

Even residing in contentment, or letting it be, requires desire and vision to allow that to occur. I'm a big fan of Yogani's formula, which is... Desire + Vision + Action = Achievement (with persistence and consistency being underlying qualities on the left side of the equation).

Mental illness, neuroses, deception, abuse...these result from lack of vision, or from poor vision that has lost sight of the sublimity you mention. My personal experience is shifting from apathy/depression/suffering to sublime/unity/transcendence. That requires vision, without exception.

[Bodhi Tree]

P.S. As you can tell, I'm rapidly becoming a Yogani clone...fully absorbing all Yogani vocabulary, diction, tone, and pace. All vestiges of my individuality are being stripped as I gradually merge into the perfect AYP prototype. Soon, others like me will be manufactured on an assembly line and distributed to the masses for the purpose of widespread enlightenment.

[yogani]

Hi Bodhi:

While it is certainly true that Desire + Vision + Action = Achievement, it is also true that as we meditate and act in the world, the entire process becomes very refined in stillness so that desire, vision and action become released/surrendered in stillness even as they are occurring, and the achievement is released in stillness also. That is the rise of true karma yoga.

This also applies in relationships. We may begin with very specific intentions and expectations as we seek a mate, and we may continue with these intentions and expectations in a marriage. However, the fulfillment of our intentions and expectations has little to do with how fruitful our marriage will be. In fact, the very intentions and expectations that brought us into the marriage may be its undoing. That is because it is just as Kami says. The success of any marriage, and indeed success in any relationship is in how well we are able to transcend our own expectations and be there in acceptance of the other, and of ourselves and the nature of the relationship itself.

This does not necessarily mean that we are obliged to facilitate or stay in an abusive or harmful relationship. Neither can we insist that our partner always meet our expectations and expect the marriage to last, because expectation is the root cause of all failed relationships.

In the long run, we have to weigh the degree of expectation we have, or is being held over us, against the responsibilities we have taken on to raise a family. Honoring our responsibilities can a great equalizer in the face of all perceived obstacles, and an important foundation for spiritual progress, because it can bring a discipline of love into our life that we might not have found otherwise.      

So, I would have to say that there is no mental formula that can lead to a successful marriage, perhaps only to the illusion of one. Neither is there a mental formula that can lead to happiness in life. Happiness comes in the doing and the letting go amidst the ever-changing landscape of life. We have called it "active surrender." Then the whole thing gets more and more blissful and filled with divine purpose, no matter what else may be going on.

At least that has been the experience here after more than 40 years in marriage while on the path of practices.

We all have to start somewhere, and we should go with our inclinations. However, circumstances will change, and that is the real challenge of any marriage, to allow our intentions to change with circumstances so we can let go for the benefit of our loved ones, and ourselves.

Here is a lesson on marriage from 10 years ago that touches on these points, and which Kami has expanded on beautifully: http://www.aypsite.com/plus/98.html

We can only move forward from where we are, so we should do that, keeping in mind that with practices the expectations we have of others will become more mutually supportive and accepting. You used the word "fluid," and that is a good word for it, implying changing with changing circumstances. We have used the word "flow" too. It is not a fluidity or flow we determine. It is determined by divine flow in stillness. It is an effect that comes with the rise of abiding inner silence and letting go in it. We can't make it happen by mimicking anyone else's conduct or thought process.  It happens with our own inner opening and our continuing engagement in the world.

Bottom line: The path is structured in thoughts and expectations until it isn't anymore, when it becomes flow in stillness. This is the spiritual razor's edge, to strive beyond striving, to seek beyond seeking, to allow structure to dissolve into flow, and to love beyond loving (which is divine love). So we keep walking. With meditation and an active life of fulfilling our desires and commitments increasingly in stillness day by day, year by year, we are pulling ourselves up by our spiritual bootstraps, even as we are letting them go.  

All the best!

The guru is in you.

[Bodhi Tree]

quote:Originally posted by yogani

We can't make it happen by mimicking anyone else's conduct or thought process.

How about mimicking someone else's practice routine? Isn't that what you're advocating in the lessons, and selling in your books? Aren't you laying out the structure and the mechanics of what's worked for you, personally?

And wait a minute. Both Deep Meditation and Samyama significantly alter our thought processes, and it's YOU that's purveying those alterations of thinking. We're easily favoring a sound which takes us deep into the layers of our subconscious, and we're releasing sutras (intentions/desires) at a regulated time-rate of 15 seconds. This is not a "go with the flow" teaching platform you've established. It's a highly engineered, habitually-sustained, methodical approach laden with mental and behavioral structures. Sure, you teach self-pacing and encourage each practitioner to develop their own routine based on custom needs, but still, your repertoire is driven by repetition of precise practices.

And expectations?! From the very first lesson, you dangle a giant carrot from the stick of your webpage. What fool wouldn't expect results when you have promised things like "ecstatic bliss" and experiences "far beyond the imaginings of the mind"? Shouldn't we expect the same results within our existing, or potential, marriage? You're setting up this whole deal for someone to approach this undertaking with expectations. If that wasn't the case, why don't you just simplify the journey, and say: "Just accept things as they are." You could save a lot of time and energy. Re-write the whole AYP schemata and condense it into one blanket statement: "Just accept things as they are."

But since that's not the formula you're purveying here, I think you should be held accountable and responsible for the thought manipulations and adjustments you're slinging via the array of practices offered. Doesn't divine love come full circle? Isn't a teacher always connected to his students?

You can't generalize and abstract everything, mate. The nitty-gritty details are what makes the difference. And since you're operating from behind the curtain of anonymity, I guess we'll have to fill in the blanks by spilling our guts to each other--on the forums, and in person.

The proof is in the pudding, right?

Love. Unity. Strength.