Ok, so lately I've been feeling like a lot of my relationships with family and friends have been a little out of whack and I'm not sure why. All the while I continue to strengthen my relationship with God, so it is a little disorienting at times. I think my inner guru is telling me to take some time away from this place and all the people I'm so familiar with in order to truly understand who I am as a person and what's necessary for me. Part of me feels that in order to truly make progress, I need to remove myself from this environment that I've come to be attached to in subtle ways. But then, another part of me thinks; relationships are our greatest teachers, so maybe working through them is a necessary step in order to understand parts of myself that I would not see otherwise. So I'm conflicted wondering if getting away is actually good for me and not just my mind trying to create drama, or if working through these relationships is a necessary step at this point along the path.
The thing is, I am very aware of the negative behavioral patterns that I observe in family and friends, and this is not just including my interactions with them but also with others I can observe these same patterns manifesting, so I know it's not all having to do with me. The thing is, when you're around these behavioral patterns every single day, you tend to unconsciously engage them in the spur of the moment. And it can be quite a challenge to rise above it until looked at in hindsight. So I find myself feeling thrown off balance a lot, finding myself caught up in these patterns, wanting to try to break the cycle but making more of a mess sometimes. And of course I have plenty negative behavioral patterns of my own, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can't fight fire with fire.
Particularly with my family at home something interesting has happened. Nobody is a stranger to my spiritual fervor, my meditation and yoga, etc. But what has this done? Rather than trying to understand why this is so important to me, and how it could even help them... They often subject me to their jokes. Mom, brothers, sisters. I try to laugh off their ignorance, but when my beliefs and practices are joked about and berated constantly, naturally I get defensive at times. Calling it guru crap, Indian trance, zenning out etc etc. "Chaz go back to your Indian trance." "How about you stop zenning out and go get a job." "Chaz I'm not interested in your guru crap right now."
Now here's the funny thing. Apparently because I'm into yoga and meditation... I'm expected to be a saint by now! Always nice and happy. So you know what they do? They deliberately try to get an emotional rise out of me. Now they feel entitled to test my patience.
Here's an example from just yesterday: I'm meditating and my mom needs the mailbox key which is in my possession.
Mom: *opens my door* Oh lord... Zenning out are we? Give me the mailbox key.
Me: *still meditating* it's over there
Mom: so are you just gonna zen out all day?
Me: *silent*
Mom: *taking mailbox key off my keychain and talking loudly to her boyfriend* I'm so tired of Ciara taking all my stuff and not giving it back, that's so annoying. Then you got this one and all he wants to do is zen out all day and not get a job"
Then she slams my door shut...
I've grown to accept things like this in my home environment. No one in my family really understands that this period in my life is stressful to begin with, simply drifting along trying to find a clear direction. But what I'm doing now is illuminating a path before me, and they don't get that.
The family dynamics over here can be particularly dramatic, stressful, and often reflect a lot of immaturity, specifically emotionally. It's difficult for me to overcome my own emotional immaturity and negative behaviors when I'm literally surrounded by so much of it.
I find even with my friends, we get caught in patterns, and they are not particularly healthy. I've tried to use being more aware of these patterns within myself and others to my advantage, and while I do my best to consciously unravel these patterns, it can be hard when someone else is deeply rooted in them. And you know what? For some odd reason, some people just refuse to let them go, and I find those are the hardest people the deal with...
So where I'm at now, I have a deep urge to find the company of like-minded people working towards the same goals, towards a higher ideal. It's a big reason why I've been around these forums so much, but sadly this is not enough for me... I wish it was enough, but I need the physical presence of people like so many of you here in my life, who just
get it and can understand the things that I'm going through in daily life on this path. I feel very alienated right now, I'm surrounded by so many people who seem blind to the glory and love of God, and when I try to express the joy I get from That, it is not always met with enthusiasm. My inner voice says seek out spiritual company. It's necessary for you right now. You need to be surrounded by more conscious people in order to become more conscious yourself. So is this really what I need? Or am I running away from my greatest teachers? I know nobody can answer this question but myself, but hopefully some of you can help me inquire more deeply into this. I would really appreciate it. Thanks!
Much Love,
Chaz