Irritability

[apatride]

I know this forum is no support for one's life problems, but here is a true problem I'm facing and it's causing much self-disapointment and culpability. So I thought AYP practicionners could be well-placed to give me some insights.

Since a few months (years?) I'm very easily irritated. At first I was not really aware of it, but soon I realized I was behaving with a lot of anger, mostly when I'm at home.

It's a bit stupid, actually I think it's really dumb, but the thing that irritates me the most is the fact that my wife speaks loud even where we are only the two of us at home. As I often feel tired and need peace and quiet when coming back from work, but I dont' want to deny her the right to express herself as she wants.

Actually, loud speaking and extroversion are parts of her personality, and she is quite susceptive when I point it out to her and ask for some peace. So I keep it to myself, I turn myself deaf so I don't have to take care for all sound stimulus occuring in my surroundings. But every time she calls for me or asks me something, I over react sharply and bluntly. I do no want to, but I can not help it, I feel like a wave of anger coming from my chest and the words come out of my mouth uncontrolled.

On the one hand, I tell myself that I do not have to stop her being as she is, and it's me who has a problem to solve. On the other hand, I tell myself that if I feel what I feel, I must tell her and she can also make an effort. In the end, what matters to me is to spend quality time with her, and also to stop being such a jerk with my loving one.

I hope that AYP practices (currently doing 1 min SPB + 20 min DM twice a day) will help me to get through it, but the fact is after DM I often need peace and quiet, but it is sometimes hard to get some
Plus the fact that I have a 6 months baby which provides us a tremendous joy, but who also needs a lot of attention and patience.

I'm wondering if I'm not releasing lot of past anger, due to the fact that I've done much pranayama last months (kriya yoga practices) and had two sessions of PBA (psycho-bio-acupressure) during which my therapist told me I have a lot of anger stocked from birth and he has released it all. Maybe all this purification drives me to experience all this anger in a short period? Maybe I'm making stories. I really don't know and I hope I won't become a grumpy 30-years-old man unable to enjoy bursts of life from my loved ones

(sorry for my english, I'm french speaking...)

[Goodway]

It may be that she is not as aware of you as you are of her.  You are trying not to feel, but feeling is not really a choice, it simply is.  I would suggest trying to work something out with your wife, so that she realizes how she is hurting your feelings.  It is not fair to constantly run over another person's feelings, and, to be honest, this is one of the largest problems that humanity faces.  If we don't feel, we can't know.  If we can't know, we get lost.
 

[karl]

I suggest Byron Katie's book 'loving what is' would be helpful. Sometimes learning to sky dive isn't helpful in learning how to step down a kerb.

[Shanti]

I agree with Karl's suggestion of reading "The Work" by Byron Katie.

The only other thing, do you rest after your practice? Make sure you get at least 5 - 10 min rest after each session.

[AumNaturel]

Your feeling the need for at least some peace and quiet after work and after your practice session is something I can relate to. Right after a session is when I'm usually also most sensitive, like a heightened sense of empathy. Shanti already raised the idea of rest after a session, and this may help wind back in to ordinary life.

One thing that is a given is to keep up the practice, and allow the witness to permeate daily life as a natural result of practice. In my case, I have found a certain degree of attachment to the pleasant state during or after a session, and the temporary irritability is due to some external factor apparently distorting this delicate state of harmony and rest. The keys that really betray this state as being a true measure of progress in everyday life (beyond an inspiring stepping-stone along the way) is the attachment and frailty surrounding it. Upholding it also drains inner resources, so it isn't restful either. I'm sharing my example to contrast it to the real and enduring effects of practice, which will be increasingly present during all moments automatically. Introspection, reflection and self-inquiry can also help this along in my experience if these come up naturally.

Remember that so much is about active surrender. By definition it is about taking action by planning your time-out, rest, and moments of peace. Honor such needs, and let others know about them and why they are important to you. Eventually such actions will be seen to emerge from the stillness within, but on the way there, it's just doing what must be done without attaching to the outcome.

The act of just being present with your reactions is all that's needed, and you're already doing that. It is enough to uncover the roots behind them. "Be conscious of yourself, watch your mind, give it your full attention. Unknown to you, your psyche will undergo a change..." -Sri N. Maharaj.

(A small side note on recommendations, I want to emphasize that there are wide variations in methods proposed by various authors, so it may take some trial-and-error in finding out one that suits you best. I've followed through the widely endorsed "The Work" (loving what is), though ended my read short on a number of critical grounds, yet on the other hand found many other authors recommended simply fantastic.)

[apatride]

Thx to all of you. I may try The Work, but the situation of irritability is getting much better.
Shanti: I do get plenty of rest, it's not rare I evn sleep for 30min after DM. Self pacing on pranayama got my head pressure decreasing so it's muuuuuch easier to bear all the agitation around
AumNaturel: I'm actually getting what looks like small glimpses of the Witness (http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=12591) and it actually helps to remain patient, comprehensive and loving.

[Shanti]

Having a baby to care for is not the easiest of jobs. Glad you can get some rest!

[apatride]

Having a baby to care is such joy & love that I can largely manage some tiredness

[Goodway]

quote:Originally posted by apatride

Having a baby to care is such joy & love that I can largely manage some tiredness

[KundaliniTherapist]

Hi Apatride
spiritual practice is making us more sensitive and with this sensitivity comes a certain vulnerability as we have to take care of our changing needs. So, one quite predictable outcome is that we feel irritable more often. So, all this is quite normal.

The real problem that I see in this situation is that you seem to be quite conflict averse. You tell yourself all sorts of things to keep yourself from addressing the issue with your wife instead of doing the most obvious thing of asking her to lower her voice.

Surely this is what your wife would want. Who would like to be snapped at for no apparent reason when the problem could be resolved simply by speaking more quietly.

So, what I advice is to think about your conflict aversion. In order to tackle our conflicts we need to admit our needs and vulnerability. But our ego does not like to be vulnerable or - goodness forbid - 'needy'.But that is exactly what our spiritual practice 'forces' us to admit.

Hope this helps

Tara Springett - Buddhist therapist and teacher

[apatride]

Hi KundaliniTherapist, I read your answer quite quickly and didn't take the time to answer you, but reading it again I think you might have a interesting point. I'm actually very conflict averse. I manage to face (constructive) conflicts more and more, but it's not something natural in me.
Your insight on the important to admit our needs and vulnerability is very helpful. Thank you for that.