Hi angeleeyes
welcome to the forums here! :-)
It's sounds like you may have some romantic feelings for your friend. Correct me if I am wrong. In my experience, such feelings are often the most painful and confusing of all feelings, yet they also provide the greatest room for exploration and growth, whether we enter a relationship or not.
I've been in set-ups when I loved or was attracted to someone more than they loved or were attracted to me. I've sometimes been racked to the core with pain over this. At other times, it's been vice versa, and I've had to end relationships when the other person didn't necessarily want it to end. The latter is worse, i'd rather be hurt myself than hurt someone else.
Nobody can advise anyone else exactly what to do in a situation, you need to find the answers within you through inquiry. Come to a place where you know all the thoughts, beliefs and feelings about your situation very deeply.
I would sit in stillness, with my attention losely focussed on the sensations and emotions in my body and the sounds reaching my ears, and search my heart. Whilst sitting in stillness, it may help to explore questions like:
-Do i have an attachment to a particular outcome in this relationship? would it make cause me a lot of unhappiness if it didn't go the way I wanted it to?
-What outcome does my mind imagine if I make my feelings known? What outcome does my heart imagine if I make my feelings known? What am I afraid will happen if I make my feelings known?
-What thoughts and feelings do I have about myself and my attractiveness and desirability? Do I believe I am desirable to this person, or do I have a hard time believing?
Be deeply, deeply honest. If you're like me and have had a lot of pain around this stuff, this practice can be very painful, but also deeply revealing.
Try to let of go of any desire or attachment or fear. If you can't let it go by noticing it, instead resolve to just completely allow the desire/attachment/fear to be exactly as it is.
Remember this: any thought/feeling that you have that says "i'm not desirable enough" or fears a bad outcome - these are just thoughts, and emotions are just sensations in the body. They are not the real truth. But at the same time, the thoughts and feelings you've believed in the past often created the reality you've experienced up until know. They aren't the truth about you, but they can affect the situations you tend to manifest.
The main and most important factor here is inner silence, this comes through deep meditation. As the witnessing aspect deepens in your experience, the thoughts and emotions that seemed to be true and define our reality, become increasingly transparent and insubstantial.
With this, we are able to let the old limiting structures of who we thought we were dissolve, and something new and better may rise from the ashes.
All my love to you and the very best for your situation
love
josh <3
