Hi - and Namaste - Shweta,
Thank you so much for sharing both your story and your insight. I sincerely hope that this forum thread is helpful to you.
Quite a few years ago, a close female family member of mine was abused by a family friend, and I believe it's fair to say that the long-term ramifications are still affecting our family, even though the situation was handled as consciously as possible at the time (family counseling, unconditional love for the girl who was abused, much dialog concerning how she had done nothing wrong, no sense on anyone's part that the situation should be hidden*, etc.)
(*It was about as non-hidden as it gets; the story made the papers, and the perpetrator went to prison for several years.)
Several years after the fact, another female family member and I were discussing forgiveness - and how, essentially, it is the only way to live.
The reasons for this go very, very deep (for all of us) --- all the way, actually.
And, by the way, when I say "Forgiveness", I'm not speaking in the sense of the ego-based "I, the person in the right, deign to not harbor ill-feelings against you, the person in the wrong." - but rather, in the spiritual sense where "Forgiveness" equates to letting go - thereby erasing the chains with which we bind ourselves.
As Jewel sings in "Life Uncommon", on her Spirit album, "We set down our chains - and only faith remains".
And I realize, as commonly defined, that "Forgiveness" may not seem to apply here - so I would simply ask:
Is there any aspect of this situation which does not allow your energy and/or consciousness to be fully present in this moment?
When I was speaking to my other family member (not the one abused; another relative) about forgiveness, she made the comment that she forgave everyone and everything in her life - with the exception that she would never forgive the perpetrator of the sexual abuse mentioned above.
I told her that I understood, completely.
I then said, "The courts sentenced [name of perpretrator] to several years in prison ... and you have sentenced yourself to a lifetime in prison."
She considered for a moment or two, and then brightened noticeably, and said, "I get it! Forgiveness doesn't have anything to do with him!"
I just smiled and said, "Exactly".
Forgiveness is simply the ongoing decision to be here, to be free, and to not color our perception of the world with egoic chatter from the past.
Do I live this perfectly? Hah! Not even close -- but I have experienced, over and OVER and OVER again, that if our hearts are truly filled with love for ourselves and the world around us, the forgiveness is both the greatest gift we can give to all - including ourselves - and our greatest duty (not presuming to project that aspect on to anyone else, but it's sincerely how I feel about it, for myself.)
And again - Forgiveness just means letting go of anything we think we can hold on to - so that we can be here, and be free to be connected with all life - which is, of course, our natural state.
I've found A Course in Miracles and related books (i.e. Forgiveness, by Gerold Jampolsky) to be very useful, here.
Here's a link to a very nicely done overview -
http://www.catherineblountfdn.org/forgiveness.htmlAdyashanti recently made a consummately powerful point which applies, as well, I feel - he said that the energy which has the desire (or grudge, or regret, or confusion, etc.) and the energy seeking the solution to the "issue" at hand, is the _same_ energy -- what we usually call "ego".
If we just drop it, and let ourselves be quiet, and be here --- ahhh, peace!
![[:)]](http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/Smileys/akyhne/icon_smile.gif "Smile")
But how? How do we let go?
Imagine if you were struggling with both hands to hold up a fifty pound suitcase full of bricks, and you were commenting (loudly and colorfully) as to how uncomfortable you were.
Imagine then, if someone said, "Well, why don't you just let it go?"
Would you respond with "How?"
(And please know - per everything I've written above - I "get" how deep a situation like this can go --- and I'm not trying to minimize your situation (and would never presume to be in a position to do so) ---- but sometimes (often?
), things
are as simple as we allow them to be.)
Another point I'll offer is one I'm able to offer (once again) thanks to Adyashanti's "on-the-ground" wisdom:
A person (very distraught) was asking him "but WHY??!!"
(I have no recollection about what ---- doesn't matter.)
Adya gently smiled, and answered, "God doesn't answer 'why' questions".
With a complete sense of unconditional love, honor and respect - I'll say that it seems that you've come _almost_ all the way to freedom, here - you've come down a rocky path, to the door to freedom -- your hand is on the knob, and you've turned it - but you won't pull it open -- because you're still asking "why?"
(Not "why did it happen?", but "why do I break into tears whenever I think of it?")
You can explore that question for the rest of your life, if you like - and I respect that choice completely, if it is the one you wish to make.
Personally, I've found that exploring the "why" of anything is a tail-chasing proposition at best -- it is enough to honor and experience _that_ something happens (referring to your emotions in the present, specifically).
If tears come up - move into those tears fully - feel your feelings, all the way.
I've done this for various reasons in my own life -- and find that the given emotion connected to the tears (sadness, grief, etc.) isn't nearly as painful (as when my mind is involved, too), that the tears pass faster, and that I feel a sense of cathartic cleansing and peace when the tears / sobs, etc. are finished (which is noticeably absent if I'm "why-ing" all over the place at the same time ....
)
As David Deida (respected American teacher of Tantra) says, "Emotions are like weather - they're not bad or good, masculine or feminine - they're weather. When the storm comes, the storm comes - when it passes, it passes."
I imagine we all know that cleansing feeling after a powerful storm.
But why did it happen?
How can we make the storm stop?
(As in: maybe the storm example will help put the "why" and "how" queries into perspective.)
.... and one final time, please know that I recognize fully that a few suggestions on different perspectives or approaches may not resolve a situation that has been with you for decades ---- but here's genuinely hoping that these suggestions at least help you to move in the direction of the peace you seek.
Namaste and Aum Shanti,
Kirtanman
