The force is working with us on this. We had a major break through during the weekend.
Meg, one thing I do believe is true is that you can't get away from your own wounds. All wounds that awaken in a relationship are meant to be dealt with. One can choose to do it within the relationship or on one's own. I choose to work on it within the relationship since it is faster (you get provoked all the time) and you have great support between the storms.
If you guys can quit the idea that I am stuck in Barry Longs teachings for a while, I'll tell you what happened.
![[:)]](http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/Smileys/akyhne/icon_smile.gif "Smile")
This is my truth at the moment.
In the beginning, our arguments were all about guilt. We blamed each other for CAUSING the emotions that were triggered. I wanted to have a faithful, attentive and loving partner. I wanted safety. He wanted to have good sex, a relationship that did not suffocate him - an easy going partnership without quarrels. What we got was exactly what we feared the most. I got a man who was not bringing safety to me, a man that always threatened to break up or in action separated from me by showing disrespect. He got a woman who tried to bind him closely in fear of losing him and who was upset and bitchy when he didn't comply. So - we were designed to trigger each other's wounds. And we did. We did not find a method to handle our quarrels. Most of the time it was very much love, tantra etc... lots of things happened that brought me closer to the spirit. So the good times were definitely the greatest part of it. But the wounds were there to remind us all the time.
Eventually we noticed that the quarrels looked exactly the same:
He saw another woman and sought confirmation by flirting, searching eye contact etc etc. I reacted with fear of losing him, feeling humiliated, got sad and angry. He responded with anger towards me and defended himself with all kinds of explanations of the type (women are beautiful, it is natural, I am the way I am etc). And the situation was locked.
When we analyzed it we could see that he had been so humiliated by many women in his life (mother, old beautiful girlfriends, wife, daughter etc). He had never been seen or confirmed. They had used him, dumped him and/or refused him sex. He badly needed the attention from women to compensate for things he had not gotten enough of. Actually, he was furious also. Those beautiful, sexy bitches that just tempered but never GAVE HIM anything... He wanted revenge.
I had been so hurt from childhood sexual abuse, disrespect from boyfriends who complained at my looks etc. I had big wounds in the area of looks and sex. I did not trust men, really. Not at all. Although, I longed for a loving, faithful man, that man never came. In the end I even gave up the idea of ever finding a man and got bisexual and started to look for women. I hated men. Women were sexy, weren't they?
So we were attracted to each other. Cruel, huh?
Not really. From a spiritual point of view we were attracted to each other in order to finally sort this out. To heal ourselves and each other. And I have always had an inner voice telling me not to let go of this man. I still listen to that inner voice.
We understood that we were presented a way, but did not see the method. Bernie Prior and Barry Long's (and obviously others as well) teachings gave us a hint. I started to both feel and understand that I should not agree to be disrespected any longer.(Meg is so right in that! Thank you, Meg, you have been a great support!) My partner understood and felt strongly that he should NOT agree to be restricted any longer. He also understood that I was not getting upset to black mail him emotionally, which confused him somewhat. He had a feeling it was some sort of game here, and that his actions really triggered something in me. But he couldn't grasp exactly what it was he did. He was still defensive and thought all he did was okey, that I was sensitive or something.
So we came to the conclusion that if I could not STOP my pattern of getting angry, blame him and try to bind him and control him HE would leave me; and if HE could not STOP disrespecting me and stop his pattern that triggered my emotions I would leave him. But what was the egg and what was the hen? Who should start the changing process?
We came to the paradox "If you only would stop gazing and love me truly I would not have to get angry"- "If you only would stop trying to control me and stop being so emotional I would be able to love you truly". Guilt, blame, no willing to GIVE before you GET anything.
But we experimented. We found out that when I managed to find my sorrow and show my hurt without anger he could listen and feel my pain. Then he would not respond with anger. When he had his attention on me and had a warm heart I was never emotional. Hm...
First lesson: Love is to GIVE 100% and not expecting ANYTHING in return. Then there is no emotionality, no suffering, no problems. As soon as YOU WANT something the problems start. And there is no room for guilt.
Second lesson: How can one be guilty of one's wounds? You have the luggage you have. Who can be guilty of carrying a trigger for the wounds another person have to work through? No one is causing another person any pain. There can be NO JUDGEMENT of a person's actions.
Still, a week ago, we felt so small. I was unable to stop my emotions more than once in a while. I felt somehow that he had not grasped the whole thing, still defensive, not willing to see his own wounds/patterns fully. I told him that I was ready to let him go. He was also ready to let me go. So we left each other for a week. And strangely, it felt okey. I felt sad sometimes, but not for very long. I did not long for him, miss him or felt any craving to get him back. I felt that if I could continue my journey with him it would be very nice. In fact, I felt I loved him so much. But if the journey ended here, that would be perfectly alright. I would find another man who would continue to trigger my wounds. It was really not so important that it was HIM. And he felt the same. We could set each other free without misery or pain. I have felt my true nature - I am pure love. How can I restrict my love to one single human being? It is impossible. I do not exist in time and space. How can I bind my love to one person?
Lesson number two: Love wants to be FREE and it is IMPERSONAL.
But still... the decision was there to be made. I tried not to think of the future. Rather, I became philosophical and wrote to this forum. And as you know, my decision was to WAIT.
Lesson number tree: When you don't know what to do - just wait and life will show you the way. Meanwhile, I worked on my sorrow, my own pain.
He came to visit me on Friday night. We had been apart for one week. I had told him I was rather low and shaky. On top of it I had my period. Extra spiritual connection. He came and the first thing he did was being sexual, touching me. Without listening to my signals. I got cold. I told him kindly that I was not in the mood for sex. He felt rejected and he didn't sleep at all that night. Bad start for a reunion. [
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Then we went away for the weekend. We visited a place where he had been to many work shops, a beautiful house. We arrived and it was one other woman there, not very beautiful, but still... my partner directly connected with her and I got a stomach ache instantly. I had to leave the company, I thought I would throw up. He came after me and we went away. I told him what I had perceived. He responded directly with defence and anger. Same procedure.... At the same time the sky got all black and a thunder storm started. I stopped and just asked him "Please, there's no blame, no guilt. I just respond in this way due to my wounds. Please, help me stay in the pain and work it through!" We went inside a barn and the exact moment when I started to cry out all my pain, the sky opened and it was raining buckets. And he could hug me, and I let it all out. He listened, felt my pain, but still had an idea that it was only MY pain, my business. He had sort of nothing to do with it...
After 30 min I stopped crying and the rain stopped. We went to eat with the others. During the dinner it became obvious to ALL persons around the table that the woman tried to capture my partners attention all the time, flirting openly, with her man beside her. Her partner looked sad, my partner tried to avoid her obvious invitations and I just smiled. We were connected again and it didn't hurt me at all. There was no sense of threat at all.
After the meal, I asked him "Now, did you see her behaviour? Do you think you had NOTHING to do with it?" He was amazed and said "This was the biggest AHA-experience! I had NO IDEA I had gotten her so on so much." Suddenly, he saw his own pattern. He understood the subtle character of the "sex and flirt"-game he played with all women. It was served to him on a plate. Not a chance to ignore. And he suddenly understood how much pain that had been triggered in me by his behaviour when he associated that with the crying in the barn. A stone fell from me. I cried and the love just flowed between us again.
My feelings toward the woman was "Thank you, sister! You have helped both of us enormously!"
Lesson number four: Be thankful for every difficult emotion you get - it carries a message. Whether it is sadness, anger, anxiety, irritation, resentment, criticism or a feeling to banter or tease... There is always something behind it that needs to be cleaned out of the system or it will at least clearly show you what your ego WANTS, even when you don't think it is the ego. And when you finally let the feeling out... it feels GOOD! It is FREEDOM! It is embraced by the forces.
Lesson number five: Everything is MUTUAL. Everybody are mirrors to all persons' own issues. If you have any issue with a person you are GIVING a gift to each other in some way. It is never only one way.
So where are we now? I am working through my oceans of sorrow and pain. It is slowly getting transformed into peace. On my own and with my partner, always in company of the spirit. My partner knows he has to dive down there into his sorrow, but is not yet there. So his behaviour continues. It triggers him in a different way now. He has got distance. He does not lie to himself or me anymore. He is watching his own behaviour, getting a greater awareness. I know that when he dares to start working on his emotions and his past events that gave him this pattern, he will stop.
And I love him endlessly. I am in no hurry. I can wait for as long as it takes. I know he will make it through his barriers, his fears.
And if he doesn't.... I will be able to walk away whenever I want to. Or whenever my inner voice says: "It is time to let go now." Then I will listen and walk. And thank him for all the love we had together.
