I found this thread
http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=400and have read a lot of the links connected to it.
http://www.aypsite.com/plus/272.htmlhttp://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=376It has given me lots of thoughts...
My relationship with the man I have been talking about in other threads has now come to a turning point. The conflicts that have been coming up have taught us both very much about our selves. We have been able to chrystalize what is the "lesson to be learned".
It turned out that we were perfectly designed to trigger our old wounds and we have handled it good so far (at least in our own opinion
). Nevertheless, I have come to a point where I am to chose whether to stay or to leave the relationship.
My confusion is about this:
If I leave, I am not sure if I am giving in to easily due to ego-related, emotional reasons - not being able to stay in the pain when necessary, or if I am following the spirit and living my life right - leaving a relationship that is not serving me.
The question is related to the above links because the "addiction" we are talking about here, is one of the addictions that seem to be most difficult for both me and my partner (and most of the world it seems) to drop... Sexuality... sex appeal... looks...
Sexuality without love is invading the earth. Everyone is obsessed with having sex, being sexy, look good, use every sexual trigger possible to get attention and confirmation of the ego, and especially this is valid for women. As I see it, it is an extremely difficult ego-thing to drop. When I now move in more spiritual groups, I still see almost every woman wearing make-up, shave their legs, having long, sensual hair, wearing push-ups... you know, everything to catch a man or mans attention with "raw sexuality". I do it too. I am no better, although I get a stronger and stronger feeling that I am betraying my REAL self when I indulge in using simple sex appeal to get approved, so I try to stop. For example, I have stopped ripping off all my "embarrassing" hairs. I feel much more honest and true to who I am. God wanted me to have hair. Who am I to try to fight against it? For me, it is a step nearer loving my self when I let my body have the form it was inteded to have. It is only the ego that has something to loose... the gratification from others who think I look better without hairs...
Yoganis words seem to apply here: "If we are cleaning the window of our nervous system with yoga practices it is highly unproductive to be throwing dirt on the window faster than yoga can clean it off."
I have heard many describe this sex-phenomenon as "mans twisted sexuality from the MIND" that has taken over the world and Woman adapted to it/internalised it and became the "sexual object". That male energies are now changing, a "new era" is coming, but that the old sexual system is stronger than ever. This would be without judgement, though. It is just the way it is - no victim/offender roles here.
Men (and women) are conditioned into this type of loveless sexuality. The sexual triggers are there and men respond to them automatically, but it is the ego that is responding with "wanting" the sexual candy it perceives. To develop spiritually one should cultivate the sexuality into merging with love.
My wound is to have been dismissed for my looks, I am not attractive according to the social norms, I have also been used as a sex object, I have been playing the victim game for a long time. Other women have been a great threat - not only are they more beautiful than me, they also take all men's attention, especially my boyfriend's attention. In that way, my present relationship is also "abusive"... He is putting other women "before me". I notice directly when we break our "love connection" and he flies up into the mind and indulge in watching other beautiful, sexy women.
What has been so clearly revealed in our relationship is that I have no right to be judgemental about his behavior, responding with ego-emotions of hurt and anger is not constructive. I have worked on staying in the pain, looking at the feeling from outside, I fully understand why it is there... But sometimes I fail and get ego-furious, sometimes I manage to stay in connection with love and I see clearly what it is all about.
Just as in the example above, he is working with spiritual development. He is longing and working with yoga practices. He is committed to dive into it. To cultivate his sexuality from its rawness, moving from ego-sexuality to love, to show me respect, to not respond emotionally when I get emotional about it... We have discussed the subject and lately I really got to understand the lesson... To know I can let go of a relationship that is not serving me anylonger... All my attention is drawn to texts about this issue, like the one above.
But am I giving the relationship a proper chance? I mean, is it really "abusive"? Is it really not serving me although it is hurting me? It is teaching me A LOT! He is aware, he wants to change, he understands the pain etc. Is it self respect and "right living" to end it and say without blame, just being firm - this is not serving me!
Yoganis says: "But the cycle can be broken. It takes mutual understanding and commitment to do it. For this to happen there must be communication, followed by action."
What action is reasonable here? To what degree can a man detach himself from non-loving sexual responses to sexual triggers in this world of today? Are there any men who are not yet enlightened that can handle one woman with full respect in this matter? How can a man handle the obsession of "wanting" to look at beautiful, sexy women since they according to our norms are "more attractive"?
Is it any point in trying to communicate with my partner on this, or should I leave and say: "I do not want ego-sex in my life in any way, I don't want to be exposed to it or judged by its norms by someone close to me, since it is not serving me. I am ready to let go of it, even if it means let go of you." Or is that my ego talking, being afraid of getting more and more hurt?
I would very much appreciate your comments.