Abstaining from Masturbation - Help required

[Jack]

Hi,

I'm a 26 year old male.

I am attempting to abstain from masturbation for the next 90 days to begin with, possibly extennding to 150 days.

The reason for this is due to Pornography Induced Erectile Dysfunction. The reward circuitry of my brain is damaged. I need to rest it, like a broken leg in a cask, in order to return to reality and regain my abilities.

See www.yourbrainonporn.com for further details.

Now - I currently practice DM for 10 minutes, once per day. I am beginning to add a second sit in the evening now.

However, is there anything I can gleam from you guys and girls that may help me? I have attempted this previously, I relapsed after 26 days without masturbation the first time, and then after 14 days the second time.

I have also now been 22 days without cigarettes or nicotine whatsoever..

But please - any help with cravings/addictions and sexual energy???

[Bodhi Tree]

The secret to overcoming addiction is...surrender. You must surrender the desire to Divinity, and ask Divinity to help you transform and channel that addictive energy to a higher purpose (ishta, in AYP terms). This is the crux of the 12-step programs, and it has brought great success in my personal life.

In terms of abstaining, you might find that renunciation may be a better option. For those of us with highly addictive personalities, periods of abstinence only mask and delay the process of transformation. All addictive energy is bhakti trying to come forth and reach the world, so you can never really control it or tame it. You can only choose TO WHAT you direct it towards. You can self-pace when it comes to AYP practices, but "self-pacing" when it comes to pornography, drug/alcohol use, and other destructive behaviors is not possible for some of us. There is no "moderation". There is only renunciation and total surrender to better activities. Periods of abstinence are just pronounced efforts of moderation. Maybe it will work for you, but it never did for me. I just had to LET GO, and LET GOD.

Good luck.

[Bodhi Tree]

quote:Originally posted by Jack
I am attempting to abstain from masturbation for the next 90 days to begin with, possibly extennding to 150 days.

P.S.  I'll quote Yoda from Star Wars: "Do, or do not. There is no try."

[Medea]

Hi Jack,

A twice a day mediation practice will certainly most helpful to make the desire less strong, so it loses it's grip on you a little every day. If you can keep it up diligently, you've already come a long way. There are several things additional things you can do to aid yourself in overcoming this addiction. First there are some physical maneuvers that help with changing the flow of your life energy from down and out to upwards along the spinal nerve. If you are trained in asana, Sirsasana (headstand) is great to do twice a day and when the urge of masturbating becomes strong. Only perform this asana if you have learned this from and practiced under a qualified teacher! Applying Mulabandha in various practices may help, as well Spinal Breathing. If you already integrated these aspects in your practice, I would recommend to introduce Yoni Mudra Kumbhaka, since in my experience this practice strongly pushes the energy from the lower centers upwards.
 
Second, if you have an interest to work with your desire on the mental plane, it might be worthwhile to have a look at the way the yogis view the faculties of the mind (known as Antahkarana), so you learn where desires are coming from, and what phases a desire goes through before it is manifested in the outer world. It's fascinating stuff, that may seem a bit daunting at the beginning, but I find it a lot of fun to play around with and experienced it as a great tool to overcome addictions and strong habit patterns.

In a nutshell: ideally, it is Buddhi (the intellect, the one who discriminates) who gives orders to Manas (the faculty that governs the senses i.o.w. imports and exports information and actions). However, most of the time it is the impressions stored in Chitta (our "memory bank", where the samskaras reside) that surface and order Manas to perform certain actions. Ahamkara (the Yogis sense of ego, the I-maker, the one that makes you seem an individual separate form others) identifies with this action every time you perform it (I like this! or I don't like this!), so you become more attached to the action every time you perform it.

By doing an action like masturbation over and over and over again, this Samskara becomes so active and strong that it shouts a lot louder then Buddhi. Since Manas obeys the one who shouts the loudest you act from habit (samskara) instead of choice (intellect/free will). A lot can be gained by training your mind to listen to Buddhi, and train Buddhi to become sharp so it makes the right decisions. In this case this would mean that you make a very firm decision that you don't want to indulge in masturbation anymore, make it so firm it is simply not an option. When mind starts to argue with you never the less (o come on, it feels so nice and you deserve it) just tell your mind that this line of thought is not useful and that the mind can argue what it wants but you will not order Manas to act out this desire. Believe it or not, there comes a time that mind simply gives up the arguing. The Samskara will still be there, but every time you do not act on it and let it go, it becomes less and less strong. Ultimately, it will 'go to sleep' i.e. go from an active desire to a latent one in your subconscious.

Third: It can also be useful to simply ask yourself why you masturbate. The answer may surprise you. It can help you to see this urge for what it is, and reminding yourself of that when you feel the desire can weaken it.

I'm sure there are many more ways to deal with this problem so I hope that more will chime in to share their experiences. The above is what works for me, but it is important that you find an approach that suits you which might be something completely different. All the best to you!

[Victor]

All this advice is good but honestly going for 90 days at age 26 is unrealistic. You are setting yourself up for failure. I would shoot for 14 days and see how that goes. Then with time extend your cycle. I could NEVER go that long at your age without release. I can do it now but I am over 50.

[Jack]

Wow!

I never expected such full responses - thank you very much.

A lot of reading for later today, after I have eaten and showered.

And Victor - thank you for your contribution, also. There is a bit of a mixed bag of opinions on this within the online 'rebooting' community. I need to consider this approach, also.

Thanks again

[Bodhi Tree]

Also, just to clarify my post, I didn't mean "renunciation" from masturbation, but from pornography...which is typically designed to elicit ejaculation. However, masturbation (non-ejaculatory) for tantric purposes is a different story, and could be a viable way for you to channel that addictive energy. That kind of tantric masturbation is much more subtle, gentle, refined, tender, etc..

But pornography will likely always trigger the raw, lower, reproductive instinct to ejaculate. At least this was the case for me. (Also, without pornography, you would rely less on external stimuli and instead dive into your inner sensuality to find a far more fulfilling pleasure. Score!! )

[Victor]

I read that link and according to the author the practice of "edging" or masturbating to the edge but not over the edge of orgasm is common for men who are addicted to pornography.This "edging" seems very much to be similar to tantric masturbation as taught in AYP (though more in the viewing fantasy realm) and is seen by the author of that article as just as detrimental as ejaculation masturbation. I suppose it is something to ponder, as this thought never really occurred to me.
 Regardless, I don't see though how anyone can expect a healthy young man who is habituated to masturbation to simply stop for 90 days and view going 22 days as a "relapse". This is simply wrong headed thinking. I would view it more as similar to pranayama where you gently and with awareness lengthen your cycle. imagine telling someone who couldn't hold their breath a full minute to have failed in pranayama!
 When you breath you inhale, retain to your comfortable capacity and then exhale gently and fully. That is pranayama. A mans sexual cycle could be viewed similarly. There is a charge or "filling up" phase, followed by a plateau phase followed generally by some sort of sexual release at some point in time, being every day, every week, every month etc. First one needs to find out what it feels like to have that energy feel "full" before feeling compelled to empty oneself. A habitual masturbator generally never gets to the feeling of his energy being fully charged and feels it instead as tension that needs release.This recharge period can take a week or more but shouldn't take months. once one finds a reasonable cycle then it can be gently lengthened. When I was in my mid 20s that cycle was about every two weeks and that felt healthy to me though I did want to extend it. Now in my 50s I generally go at least a month but if I have a satisfying sex partner then I like to enjoy that shared pleasure roughly once a month but don't generally masturbate to ejaculation anymore except for very rare occasions.
 The longest that I ever went was approx 6 months and at the time I was emotionally unhappy and frustrated with women and so my sex drive was pretty shut down. This went on for a  couple of years. I felt MUCH happier and more alive when I resumed having a sex life after that time. For me though, sex is about sharing enjoyment with another human being. It is a truly shared experience of openness and giving and receiving pleasure. I got really bored with solo masturbation and porn after letting myself indulge in watching porn to my hearts content. I just don't get anything out of sexual stimulation without a partner. Not sure if that is good or bad but that is how I feel at this point.

[Jack]

Hi Bodhi & Victor,

I appreciate your thoughts.
Thank you for taking the time to look at the site, Victor. Need to get to the gym, I'll respond in a bit.

[ramandra]

Firstly, well done for admitting to yourself and to others here about your problem (if you see it as a problem; and your post at least suggests you are feeling some concerns, so maybe I can share some thoughts with you Jack . . .?)

These are just my views of course (standard disclaimer!) If you are currently engaged with a particular school then you might want to seek their advice, or the advice of others on the forum of course, as not everyone's path is the same.

Firstly, I would say there is nothing morally wrong with masturbation - let's get that over and done with. The only concern spiritually is that it may slow you down.

Much has been written and said on sex and spirituality. And spiritual interests may assist both a) in increasing pleasure, for 'marital relations' as some books would cautiously express it; and/or b) for spiritual work itself. Some writers have a few techniques and much book knowledge but lack experience; on the other hand, some are more concerned with getting a 'result' whether it will ultimately help you on your path or not.

I'm not sure that an online forum is the best place to go into these things in depth, but perhaps a few tips to help avoid the more serious mistakes can be helpful.

It comes down, as you probably know, to the energies associated with the lowermost chakkras, and there are slightly different names and so on whether we are referring to the Indian classifications or the Tibetan ones. But energies there are, and the clearly physical and the more subtle energy centres overlap.

Your aim is to obtain and increase your control. The muscles involved (unless you just want to use will-power) are not immediately accessible but can be accessed with practice and brought under conscious control. This can assist with what have been called 'marital relations' by controlling ejaculation until the time desired. It can also assist in directing the energy upwards for purely spiritual aspirations. Control the muscle, and you wil be able to control the energy for either purpose.

Let's mention a few sources, among the many, that are accessible and without referring you to ancient texts that will need a year or more of study to interpret. I'll try to offer you something from both the Westen and Eastern traditions and you can see what you feel is most in tune with yourself.

From the Western traditions, I can recommend these without reservation:
On Sexual Conrol (which is Part II of The Field Theory of Sex by Marcelo Ramos Motta); Energised Enthusiasm by A. Crowley. These two works give you the physical practices to develop a high degree of control, and the spiritual techniques to utilise it. (Geting hold of originals of these is best - if you have to use online sources, treat them with enough caution to extract the original text only.)

From the Eastern traditions, you can do much worse than:
Moola Bandha by Swami Buddhananda. The auhor does a remarkable job of including just about everything, physiology, practices, and their integration with other forms of yoga, and does it without wasting a lot of words.

Finally for a more general and less exhausting programme that develops awareness of spiritual, tantric sexuality for pleasure, The Tao of Love & Sex by Jolan Chang is excellent.

I would suggest you maybe try to focus on sex with another person to help cut down or give up your masturbatory practices. This will generally be much more healthy from a physical and spiritual point of view. The only excuse not to do this is if you have a sheer excess of seminal fluid that needs to be released, and to be honest, that rarely happens.

When you get some initial awareness of Moola Bandha, try sitting in your usual asana and allow the very first movement of desire and observe it. I doubt if pornography is necessaruy for this. A little pornography might work well to get you in the mood directly before a sexual encounter with another person, but at your age a period of abstinence from masturbation, combined with healthy lifestyle choices, is likely to do the trick. Listening to your innermost desires will allow hem to manifest. When the desire starts to manifest phsyically, apply the Moola Bandha, directing the energy upwards. You need to have the spine erect for this. You should experience (at least) a physical, observable sense of satisfaction internally. You can maintain the bandha long enough to release the physical desire inwardly completely (at which point any external manifestation will subside) or use it at a later stage to control ejaculation and prolong sexual excitement for instance. This is nothing more than a preliminary technique though. As you build up your internal muscle control you will be able to stand back mentally to give a sexual partner greater pleasure, or also to direct the energy for pure spiritual work.

I think this is a better way to go. Practicing a sort of solo karezza or whatever you might call it in an early stage is likely to get you into all sorts of problems. But as I said, if you are under the insruction of a knowledgeable guru or school, seek advice from them while you are with them and follow it to the letter!

[Jack]

I would suggest you maybe try to focus on sex with another person to help cut down or give up your masturbatory practices. This will generally be much more healthy from a physical and spiritual point of view. The only excuse not to do this is if you have a sheer excess of seminal fluid that needs to be released, and to be honest, that rarely happens.

Thank you deeply for such an informative and engaged response.

This is the problem, ramandra. For three years during my relationship, I have suffered largely with ED (Erectile Dysfunction). She is now away, giving me a chance to go through this reboot to regain my sensitivity. I have not watched much porn or masturbated much the last few years, but there is still this painful, fantasising, porn-consciousness groove in my neurobiology I wish to reset. Semi-regular sex (with some help thanks to herbal viagras, etc.) and no masturbation did not seem to create improvements even after several years, which is why I am suspecting that refrain from ejaculation for a prolonged period of time may be the required medicine for this.

Thank you so much for the replies, people. It is new years eve and I keep finding myself coming to tears.. sadness, but also love and power.. Love to all.

[Jack]

I wrote out a pros and cons list to masturbation, and to not masturbating. I also got some good advice (on another forum dedicating to rebooting - what a combination of amazing people giving mindblowing truths to me between this forum and that one), and have made the determination to go 30 days without masturbation.

This is posted on my bedside wall now.

Similar to my previous post, this is what I have just written on A4 lined paper and will be attaching to my bedside wall.

Reminder

Masturbation's pro's are all temporary.
It usually leads to pornography, which leads to shame and feeling like a loser.
It keeps you tied into lust, clouding your vision of Truth and your decision making ability regarding your relationship/s and women.
Masturbation at this point would keep you locked into sexual dysfunction - how many years of suffering has it been already?

Say No.
Feel the discomfort, say no to the compulsive habit.
You LOSE NOTHING BUT AN ADDICTION.
By not masturbating today, you GAIN EVERYTHING.

Think POSITIVE, not negative.
You are not going 30 days without an orgasm, but you are spending 30 days righting the chemical balance of your brain and restoring your dopamine receptors. Each and every day that you DON'T ORGASM, you are that bit closer towards of goal of having SEXUAL AUTONOMY and AWESOME SEX. Everyday is an opportunity to help you achieve your goal. Everyday that you achieve your goal of no orgasm is an awesome day that you should feel proud of.
In time you'll experience increases in confidence, charisma, stablity and masculinity, more happiness, a sense of integrity, restoration of REAL libido and sexual function and AWESOME SEX.

Will take time to read this when waking, going to bed, when passing it, etc.

Wish me luck!

After 30 days, if I really feel it appropriate, then I will allow myself a masturbation. Or, if attitude and confidence has grown, I may attempt to expand it to 45 days, or 60, or more.

This is not something I would do if I did not feel myself to have some funked up brain chemistry related to sexuality and porn that needs resting and resetting.

All the best guys, I am ordering the Moola Bandha book, thank you ramandra. Also ordering AYP DM paperback, and a copy of Alexander Lowen's Fear Of Life (Relates to rigid personality type of which I fit the description just fine).

THanks guys, all the best.

[Kahlia]

One day at a time.... Good luck[]

[Will Power]

Thank you for the link to that web, very interesting

[Jack]

Thank you, Kahlia.

Will Power - It is worthy of consideration. Notable for me is that although I have perhaps only viewed pornography 6-7 times in the last 3 years, I did have a regular habit of using it previous to that, which has led in some ways to sexual difficulties in real life.

Despite regular, or semi-regular[] sexual relations during the last three years, I deemed it necessary to undergo this reboot in order to heal this part of myself thoroughly.

Worth consideration for any porn user, even if they don't yet display signs of sexual dysfunction in real life relations.. sometimes it can take months or years of abuse for it to manifest like that.

All the best
Jack