Consolation for Backtrackers

[Manipura]

I've found that when I skip practices for a short while (no longer than a week), when I return to them, there is renewed energy.  Most people experience this in other activities as well.  When athletes take a short break, they give their muscles a chance to rebuild, and return stronger; when creative people return to their work, they often have new insights.  Taking a break allows room for inspiration or, at the very least, it gives a measure to any progress we may have made.  (I realize that 'progress' is antithetical to meditation, but we all like to know that our practices are working!)

[Jim and His Karma]

There is a huge diff between never having practiced and having practiced and lapsed. The former means vague recognition that things are not quite what they should be, but you feel hopelessly and summarily locked into your pain , separateness, and disenchantment. The latter is worse (because you more keenly see and understand the delusion - not just faint intuition! - and the pointlessness of the pain and separateness) but it's also better- because you see it as  nothing more than a dream. It's awful to be in that state, but you know you're not imprisoned, you're just stuck for a minute (so long as you get going again ASAP!).

Now that I've resumed steady practice, a few updated thoughts:

Relaunching at first felt like I was drilling through new outcroppings of all the granite I'd previously cleared away (if I was younger and more impatient, I might have gotten disconsolate, but I've learned patience). I speedily ran through many of the same sorts of blocks and distractions. But after the first few practice sessions, it felt more like breaking through thin ice. Satisfying great splashy cracks through superficial (but wide) structures. yet. The opening is nicer, though less dramatic/ecstatic than the first time, because it feels even more like coming home. And it's bringing some fresh bonuses this time.

A missed practice session definitely makes a diff. A few missed ones can land you overnight in nightmaresville. This was a couple weeks lapse, and I'm thinking much more than that would have allowed a whole lot of renewed build-up of what I've been trying to clear away.

This is MY report, though. I have no reason to think we all muck up (or clear our muck) at the same rate. But hopefully the above is a useful approximate yardstick. I hope this thread is useful for others who find themselves in this situation. Don't let it be like a lapsed diet, where self-loathing causes you to just go further and further the other way. With dieting, equal effort is required to re-lose every pound previously lost. With practices, it's easier to catch back up. Just don't let it go too long.

[Jim and His Karma]

Woops, one more thing. There's a small advantage to stopping/starting (though it doesn't by any means make it "worth" lapsing): my expectations of what meditation should feel like and the state it should put me in have been erased. I'm a lot fresher and more open.

[Victor]

Its good to see you practicing again Jim, I know how you love it and you have had much to share from your experience for the rest of us.
I also want to mention that the severe admonitions from Iyengar were specifically about pranayama, I don't believe that such concerns are as serious in meditation or asana for that matter.

[Jim and His Karma]

A few later thoughts to tag on.

First, after this one large lapse (coming after some smaller ones), I think I have a rule of thumb. It takes me about 3 to 4 times the length of the lapse to get back. Others may be faster/slower to decay and recoup. But I can say pretty decisively that 1. you don't really have to start quite from scratch, but 2. you definitely do pay a steep price.

One thing I'd like to note: the backtracking is very subtle. We're all so accustomed to living a life of grasping and anxiety that we can revert quite far to that before we notice how far we've devolved. I'm starting to get back to The Flow again, and I can see quite clearly how much mud had splattered all over my windshield (a lot!!). It didn't feel that dramatic at the time. The cleaning (via AYP, etc) feels dramatic. The backtracking feels normal. Beware of this, because it's like quicksand.

Or, better, just don't stop practicing so it's not an issue!

I hope all this is helpful to someone one day.

[Jim and His Karma]

It's like brushing your teeth. A little brushing every day produces fantastic results. On-and-off brushing produces fairly dismal results. And if you let it go, you can stand there and brush and brush and brush, but it's not going to help anything (at least not any time soon).

[Victor]

Sounds exactly right to me.

[Jim and His Karma]

quote:Originally posted by Jim and His Karma
First, after this one large lapse (coming after some smaller ones), I think I have a rule of thumb. It takes me about 3 to 4 times the length of the lapse to get back.

No. It takes much, much longer. Things seem superficially back to normal in meditation in 3-4 times the gap, but there's subtler, more insidious buildup.

[weaver]

quote:Originally posted by Jim and His Karma

Things seem superficially back to normal in meditation in 3-4 times the gap, but there's subtler, more insidious buildup.

Interesting, Jim. Would you like to elaborate a little on this?

[Jim and His Karma]

I've been very diligently re-engaged in practice for three months now. It's going well, I feel like I can open up pretty fully and quickly. And my kundalni has reawakened (it had actually gone dormant while I had been diligently practicing before, so I'm in that sense ahead of where I was).

But I was experiencing what I called "slipperiness" before. My prana didn't stick anywhere, I could move it or let it move effortlessly. Spinal breathing wasn't like sucking up thick fluid through a thin straw, it was more like turning on a light saber. And only now, after 3 months of practice coming after a two week lapse, am I beginning to feel that slipperiness again. We don't understand how blocked we are until we become unblocked (in fact, we don't recognize the blocks as blocks, they seem "normal"). But after lapsing practice and regaining those blocks, I still wasn't fully aware of the blocks until the second unblocking.  This, from my posting above, is, I think, a real good explanation:

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we're all so accustomed to living a life of grasping and anxiety that we can revert quite far to that before we notice how far we've devolved. I'm starting to get back to The Flow again, and I can see quite clearly how much mud had splattered all over my windshield (a lot!!). It didn't feel that dramatic at the time. The cleaning (via AYP, etc) feels dramatic. The backtracking feels normal. Beware of this, because it's like quicksand.
-------

I should note that none of this is scientific. Perhaps after my lapse, the mantra was working on different parts of me than before, so certain things cleared out before the intervening stuff was cleared. Who knows....you could go nuts trying to figure it all out. But this is for sure: lapsing practice is a baaad idea.

[nandhi]

aum

thank you jim for wonderful posting!

the most beautiful flow is attained when space is given (as jim says, like brushing our teeth) for our daily union. like a drunkard who craves for the drink, when we wake up to find our body in the morning and crave to be the spirit, daily practice is love making in its way of life and its freedom to be spirit.

the greater need to preside from the mind peak and the enjoying of the process that attains the flow of the unfolding yogic practice is the heart's discipline.

guess each of us here share these sacred joys!

the eternal joys!







with folded hands!aum