Consolation for Backtrackers

[Jim and His Karma]

I think this is really really important. It's something I keep forgetting, over and over again. So I'm posting it here as much as a reminder for myself as for others.

It should be abundantly clear from a read through this thread: http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=742 that I'm sort of unraveling. Not in the sense of insanity or dysfunction, but that I've let my practice slacken, and have lost the "smoothness in the world and with relationships" Yogani writes about so much (note: you don't need to go read that thread for purposes of this posting).

I've been, for the past few months, at a surreal point in my practice. If my practice is regular, I tip just over the edge into lots of what Yogani describes. It's a state of being where I don't feel anything lacking, and I can accept the universe as-is without shielding, recoiling, or grabbing. No more setting myself apart from it all. It's not enlightenment, but it's a state where I don't care about enlightenment 'cuz I don't feel like I'm lacking anything! All those corny phrases - "it's all good", "let go, let god", "go with the flow", etc etc apply. Which is miraculous, because my personality has never been like that (thanks, AYP!).

BUT! If I miss just one or two practice sessions, the old stuff bubbles up again very quickly. It's like the Twilight Zone. First I get anxiety. Then, a few days later, I get anger, then I get cravings, then I start pissing off my friends, then I fall into the depression of my youth. A week or two of little or no practice seems to "bring it all back." Which  leaves me extra distraught with the feeling that the yoga was nothing but a thin, superficial veneer applied over a cesspool of problems that were never really "solved."

But that's wrong...it's the worldly view. Yoga's not self help. It's not about fixing one's problems in everyday life and becoming perfect (I love your nails!). It's about surrendering to What Is. It's about loosening the bonds of attachment and existing beyond the mind, which judges everything good/bad, want/don't want.

As we practice, the things we've always attached to (or repelled from) don't go away. They're always there. We just change our attitude toward them. So if you lapse and backtrack and notice you're entangled, what matters is that you NOTICED! This proves that the yoga wasn't for naught. You no longer accept the misery of everyday existence, it's more like revisiting a familiar nightmare than being locked down in an inescapable prison. Even if you've fallen into an old pattern, it's on a completely different basis after yoga.

Of course, I don't doubt that if you stop practicing for months or years that the mud will pile up so thick that you'll have less and less clarity about the nature of your bondage. But I practiced last night, and again this morning, and it's equally surreal how quickly things clear up.

Best advice: don't slack in your practice, so none of this is an issue!!

Now the question of why I allow it to slacken is another thing. Where does the impulse to not feel bliss come from? Why does there seem to be an anti-bhakti force (thankfully weaker than bhakti) in my subconscious, ready to derail all this? Perhaps this is the true nature of the demons the Christians (and others) write about.

[Victor]

Jim, this reminds me of iIengars admonition to never miss a day of pranayama practice. He would say that if you miss a day that you will start again as a beginner. While perhaps it is an extreme view I would say that a few days do make a big different and that this was deeply ingrained in me from my early days of yoga. Fortunately with the twice a day practice of AYP you have a little latitude if you skip a practice session without missing a day. That is how I do it. I will occasionally skip a practice session if there is a good reason but never miss a day even if it means a half assed practice on the rare occasion. There is much to be said for continuity and even if it seems slightly neurotic it really makes a difference. In my own life I am currently going through a long dragged out divorce that has been in process for the past year and a half. My job is not very exciting and is constantly in jeopardy do to forces beyond my control and am not making much money beyond paying the bills. My practice is and has been the cornersone of my day.  How has my mental and emotional state been through all this? Remarkably good! I feel basically sane and emotionally fairly well balanced which if you know my life history is not that usual and rather surprising considering the circumstances. I feel more integrated than at any previous time in my life. I believe that the steady practice of AYP has been significantly responsible for my general sense of well being under very difficult circumstances so as always I encourage everyone to be steady in practice!

[Sparkle]

quote:Jim wrote:
"BUT! If I miss just one or two practice sessions, the old stuff bubbles up again very quickly. It's like the Twilight Zone. First I get anxiety. Then, a few days later, I get anger, then I get cravings, then I start pissing off my friends, then I fall into the depression of my youth. A week or two of little or no practice seems to "bring it all back." Which leaves me extra distraught with the feeling that the yoga was nothing but a thin, superficial veneer applied over a cesspool of problems that were never really "solved."

But that's wrong...it's the worldly view. Yoga's not self help. It's not about fixing one's problems in everyday life and becoming perfect (I love your nails!). It's about surrendering to What Is. It's about loosening the bonds of attachment and existing beyond the mind, which judges everything good/bad, want/don't want."

I am new to AYP and read the above and also read about purification.
So, if as soon as you stop regular practice you revert back to your origional state of anger and anxiety etc. then what purification has been going on?
I understand that we are letting go of our attachments and creating a different space for ourselves, but surely this would have a permanent effect on what we have worked on already and that if we stopped we would be in a better place having transformed or purified or become less attached. Otherwise it would seem we just casting a cloak of supression over our issues.

This is just the observation of a beginner at AYP so I look forward to your replies.

[Victor]

that is a very good observation, Sparkle. Personally I beleive that it may be a combination of permenant and temproary. the purification is cululative and goes deep but on the other hand just because skipping bathing will let you get dirty again doesn't mena that bathing is a bad idea. i can't personally say because i never missed enough practice to see what would happen.

[david_obsidian]

Sparkle,

there are different 'layers' or levels of 'stress', or 'karmas' or 'crud' or whatever you want to call it.  The cleaning process has both a short-term aspect (related to the removal of 'shallow stress' ) and a usually long-term aspect (related to the removal of 'deep stress'),  and can people experience them both differently.

Jim apparently experiences a very profound short-term cleaning,  which removes significant layers of 'shallow' stress,  which,  if he stops practicing,  comes back fairly quickly at this point.  Over the years (if he is a good yogi and does what he tells himself ),  then the long-term aspect will remove the 'deep stress'.  The removal of 'deep stress' has permanent effects.  It grows the personality.  As more and more 'deep stress' is removed,  the 'shallow stress' will start to come back more and more slowly.

It takes time for the change to become permanent.

There are a few twists on this:  one is this: While the meditation process can dissolve the deep knots over time,  and entirely gradually,  it can also precipitate the removal of the 'deep stress' in discrete lumps.

Much like a house (representing a knot,  or 'deep stress' ) could be, on the one hand, taken down gradually and smoothly,  board by board,  so it gets smaller every day or,  on the other hand,  termites could work on the foundation and nothing seems to happen until suddenly the whole thing falls down at once in a gale.

So strong permanent spiritual transitions can also be sudden to manifest,  while they were in fact being established gradually for a long time.  

Some knots in your being may fall off in the smooth way,  some in the discrete way.

Also notice further consolation for backtrackers:

Jim said:
 You no longer accept the misery of everyday existence, it's more like revisiting a familiar nightmare than being locked down in an inescapable prison. Even if you've fallen into an old pattern, it's on a completely different basis after yoga.

[david_obsidian]

It's worth remembering that 'getting in touch' for even a very short time is a lot better than skipping entirely.  Here's one that I remembered from the archives,  because it is picturesque:


J&K said:
I have a friend who's a professional violinist, who typically practices many hours per day. On days when he absolutely doesn't have time to practice, he at least opens his case, takes out the instrument, and "gets in touch" by playing even just a single note (with great immersive concentration). That, to her, is vastly different from "skipping a day."

[Victor]

Thanks David, you beautifully articulated what I briefly described. IThat was exactly what I was trying to say

[Jim and His Karma]

quote:
So, if as soon as you stop regular practice you revert back to your origional state of anger and anxiety etc. then what purification has been going on?

Sparkle, my posting was sort of a hodgepodge (due to a combination of a high fever and a slackened practice!). But the answer's in there. In fact, that was the point of my writing. I regret that I didn't do a good enough job to make my point clearly (I mean it.....I see how scattered it was). But it's in there. Read it a couple more times, especially about reentering a bad dream as opposed to locking down into an inescapable prison. The purification is what makes that distinction possible. And it's a huge huge distinction.

[yogani99]

Hi All:

Here is what I wrote on this earlier today. Common threads in the postings here. Experiences in common, which is confirmation.
---------------------
Hi Jim:

Ah, but you are noticing. Do you feel you can watch all of this a little clearer than before? That is the "keeper." Our practices may give us the illusion of instant relief from the woes of mundane life. It's a nice side benefit. But the real benefit is found in what has been permanently stabilized whether we are practicing or not -- inner silence.
 
Well, it is never enough, so we loath stopping once we have tasted the nectar of our inner possibilities, no matter how much inner silence we have to keep. Ultimately, that is why John Wilder ended up doing what he did -- or allowing it to happen to him is a better way of putting it. Butterflies are free, and he would settle for nothing less...
 
Just remember that practices are not all or nothing. Honoring the habit is the first step. That takes a few minutes twice per day. We all have to eat. We all have to sleep. We all have to brush our teeth. And we all have to evolve... There is time enough in the day for all of these. Some guerrilla yoga tactics can help when we are living in the corporate jungle. See http://www.aypsite.com/plus/209.html
 
And, by all means, side-step the energy-wasting skirmishes in life if possible. That means adopting a flexible point of view on everything. That too is a characteristic of rising inner silence. Until it fully blooms, Ruiz's "Four Agreements" can be helpful. As inner silence blooms, the agreements (yama/niyama) become automatic.  
 
The guru is in you.

[Frank-in-SanDiego]

Hari Om
~~~~~~~

quote:Originally posted by yogani99

Hi All:
And, by all means, side-step the energy-wasting skirmishes in life if possible.

"As Long as your urge for truth affects your daily life, all is well with you.  Live your life without hurting anybody. Harmlessness is the most powerful form of yoga and it will take you speedily to your goal..."   Sri Nisargadatta Maharaji


Peace,

Frank In San Diego

[mystiq]

Dear friends I do not agree to the view that stopping practice for a day or few makes one a beginer at the next session. Whatever practice that is done I think is a bank balance. The fact that Jim noticed the changes when he stopped for a few days shows increasing levels of identification with the witnessing process, which would not have happened had one not been a practitioner. As for cleaning there is a lot of accumulated stuff which we go deep into and clean during our sessions and the other short cut method is to try and not identify with this accumulated junk. Easier said than done though.

mystiq

[riptiz]

I asked the question when in India. 'If one is enlightened then why meditate further?' to which I was told  ' to remove the daily crud we pick up' which is a continuous process is it not? IMHO the effectd are permanent but remember that even 20 years is not a long time on the path to enlightenment for some.Depends on how much rubbish we need to clear and as Yogani says the experiences don't count but the inner silence does.
L&L
Dave

'the mind can see further than the eyes'

[Sparkle]

Thanks folks
As a person who supressed his feelings for most of his life, even through years of meditation, the possibility of this is always on my mind in relation to any practice.

Ken Wilber explained this process very well in his book "Grace and Grit" when he described how, even though he had attained samadhi as indicated by a Zen Master, the energy had somehow been by-passing his second chakra and thus there was no purification at that level. It was only when he was faced with a very difficult life and death situation that the feelings suddenly surfaced.

I would guess that the same thing was happening to me for years. Now that I am more in touch with my feelings I can often feel the dissolution or transformation of the feelings in meditation.

But I guess it was all part of the journey and as David said, it might have been a scenario like the house and the termites, where not much appeared to be happening at a feeling level but it required a lot of preparation and eating away at the foundations to prepare me for the inevitable and painful breakthrough - the collapse of the house.
Thanks again for the responses
Sparkle[]

[Frank-in-SanDiego]

Hari Om Tat Sat
~~~~~~~~~~~

quote:Originally posted by mystiq
[brI do not agree to the view that stopping practice for a day or few makes one a beginer at the next session.

Hello Mystiq ( all)
It's said in the Gita that 'no effort is ever lost'   when Arjuna asks Krsna, what of the practitioner that stops? what of him? Krsna points out that individual picks up where s/he left off. This is more directed towards the sadhu that passes on.  Krsna mentions where that person may even be born ( into a family of Brahmins, or Sadhus, etc) for the fortunate reason of continuing their pursuit of the SELF.   How intelligent this whole system is!

Krsna states:
Having attained to the worlds of the righteous and, having dwelt there for everlasting years, he who fell from Yoga is reborn in the house of the pure and wealthy.
Praapya punyakritaam lokaanushetwaa shaashwateeh samaah;
Shucheenaam shreemataam gehe yogabhrashto’bhijaayate.
Bhagavad Gita, Chapt 6, The Yoga Of Meditation


Frank In San Diego

[david_obsidian]

mystiq said:
Dear friends I do not agree to the view that stopping practice for a day or few makes one a beginer at the next session.


Agreed.  This kind of thing is really an 'admonition' (admonition = counsel or warning against fault or oversight) and admonitions are teaching devices and are often wildly exaggerated and not at all literally correct.  That idea is just a very-heavy-duty way of trying to keep you consistent in the practice.

It's an exaggeration of a real truth though --- if you slacken off entirely and drop all your practice in an untimely way,  you'll surely become like a beginner eventually.