Hi HM,
Welcome to the forum,
quote:
Hello all,
I have been meditating almost daily now for about 4 years. However, I seem to have got trapped in what feels like an endless "dark Night of the Soul." I had hoped that perseverance would pay off and that a sense of equanimity would emerge. Unfortunately, it hasn't. If anything my general level of anxiety seems higher than ever. I feel I must be doing something wrong, and have prayed about this. I don't like to just give up. Can anyone advise me? I am considering giving up all spiritual practice, but this seems a drastic step to take. I would really appreciate some guidance, but I don't know where best to find it.
You've got some great advice so far, so I thought I'd chime in with some more[
].
Just to start with, I think it's important to realize that this is a long haul. Meditation takes time, lots of time. We are dealing with a lifetime of conditioning, stuff, issues, whatever you want to call it, and it needs to be cleared out bit by bit. 4 years of meditation sitting for 45 minutes a day (if that is what you have been doing) is not really a long time. I was on a Buddhist retreat once and the monk leading the retreat had been a monk for about 15 years. He was describing the process of mindfulness meditation that was being practiced on the retreat, using the breath as a meditation object. He described how the mind becomes calmer and eventually silent, and we experience peace and equinimity and joy (he didn't even mention exstacy, bliss or love- that's Buddhists for you[
]). The retreat was for 10 days, and I was quite exited about experiencing some of these things (naturally) and I wondered which day of the retreat I would start to experience them. So I asked him how long it would take. He was quite surprised by the question (he probably realized I was new to this), and he said, "Well, if you are talking about how long it takes before we can be completely aware of a single breath, from the beginning of the moment of inhalation, through the pause before exhalation, to the end of exhalation, in my case it was about two years". That's two years living as a monk in a monestary. At the time I hoped he was joking, but now I realize that he wasn't.
Meditating on emptiness (or the formless/ the unconditioned) is quite an advanced (powerful) meditation practice. The Buddha taught that there were four objects of mindfullness: the breath, the body, the objects of the mind, and pure awareness (the unconditioned mind). Your meditation would come under the last of those. They are usually taught in sequence, spending many years on each object before progressing to the next. It is possible that you might be better off using a different object of meditation at this stage (like the breath on it's own).
But here's the best advice I can give you. Buy the "Advanced Yoga Practices, Easy Lessons for Ecstatic Living" book by Yogani, and read it from start to finish. Most of the lessons are available on this website, but if you try and read all that online you will probably do your eyesight in and end up with a headache! It is likeley that it will change your whole approach to meditation, and to spiritual practice in general, and probably your life[
]. Meditation is just the beginning.....
Hope this helps.
Christi
