New member, first post. Glad to find this site. Found it by searching for info on the effects of anal stimulation on the tantric process. Turned up a good thread that inspired me to explore and join the site. I tend to work in total isolation and do not share my process with many and if I do only on a fragmentary basis. So posting in a public forum is a bit of a step out for me. I just feel that my process is generally just between me and Shakti. And process is highly individualized and I don't think a lot of what I do is necessarily applicable or useful to others.
A big part of my practice involves what is commonly called feminization or even sissyfication. This includes ritualized use of dildos, ritualized depilation, feminine dressing, feminine sexual thoughts and feelings, feminine sensual erotic self touching. Generally there is a sense of a process of becoming or being a girl or a woman. This is done in a ritualized context with meditative practices and pranayama and it is done in a psychological, psychic and spiritual relationship with Goddess Shakti. The relationship involves Role Reversal in which the jiva plays the female, submissive, receptive role and the Goddess Shakti penetrates, takes, dominates and infuses the jiva. This is done as Divine Love with the jiva giving love and giving into love by surrendering ego, identification, role and bodily function and form to the Goddess as the Goddess gives Love through the presentation and availability of her essence which is Divine Love. Generally this stimulates sexual and energetic arousal. I have been very successful at following this process to near orgasm and successful at orgasmic energy and semen retention. Following near orgasm I go into meditation and direct the aroused energy thorugh my spine and chakras, using bandhas and pranayama and visualization. High levels of pranic saturation have been achieved. I have had two prior Kundalini risings, the first of which was very difficult and challenging, the second of which was partial and sporadic. In this case it seems that She is releasing herself very gradually, only giving forth as much of herself as I can process at any given time. I attribute the grace of this moderated release to my submission to Her will and my pledge of Love and Honor to Her.
So far there has been no involvement of a jiva Goddess incarnation, though I am open to that if the right Goddess should manifest.
Dark Energies of dominance, abuse, hatred, loathing and such are sometimes accessed and used to transmute them into essential fire. Sometimes tools like sissyfication, strapon and feminization videos are used for that purpose. But mostly the process involves a broad, encompassing energy of surrender, submission and LOVE for Shakti based deeply in the Anahata chakra.
I find that images and videos of Female Bodybuilders and Futanari/Dickgirls call forth analogue, complementary energies that parallel my developing male femininity. The same sometimes applies to TV/TS/TG. My theory is that the rising surge of such manifestations involving mixed sexual identity and multi polar sexuality are a result of the Shakti energy attempting to rise back through to Shiva on a global scale. Unfortunately, since 99.5% of jivas are Pashu and not Vira or Divya, in most people this ends up manifesting as different forms of sexual addiction and over identification/obsession with gender and gender roles and gender identity.
I do NOT see or experience the end game of this process as becoming a "woman" or a "man" or any sort of TV/TS/TG or any of the other myriad labels that we apparently need to assign to ourselves in today's culture. Rather, this process renders all gender and sexual identity moot and irrelevant, leaving behind and revealing the transcendent union of Shiva/Shakti and ultimately Parashati. I find it a useful construct to think of myself as becoming a cosmic Futanari. In terms of today's gender identity classifications that might translate into Bigender/Trigender/Pangender. But all of that will fall away at some point and is only useful as a tool to build the Vajra body. Since the pranamaya kosha is largely resonating with this gender transcendent vibe and the other koshas are not far behind, it seems to be highly unifying and catalyzing to cause the Annamaya kosha (body) to appear and act in a corresponding manner.
Anyway, this is really working for me. So I guess the point of the post, beyond wanting to "share" and maybe help someone else out that is managing similar energies, is I am curious to know if any of this reflects a process that others are developing? Or am I all alone out on the fringes here? Not that it matters at all one way or another because as a virya my path is my path and I will walk it. But it would be interesting to know if this is a path that is manifesting more broadly among tantrics.
Thanks for reading! Hope this has been in some way useful to you.