Hi Bellamente,
I always had social anxiety until i fell into mental illness. I've felt some of the things you said you feel. Like speaking publicly or not opening up to others.
I think a more reasonable perspective is that everybody feels nervous to some degree. You are not alone. In fact, i think you would be surprised to find how many people are just like you are, hiding themselves behind a social mask or not opening up to others, feeling nervous etc. The other side of the coin is that you don't want to open up to others for the good social reasons that in some ways it may be "taboo". But confidence is a big aid in all interactions.
I used to engage in a lot of negative mental self-talk. That is really one of the biggest factors here i feel. I had CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) which helped me to identify or catch these negative thoughts as they came up and then dismiss them with positive thoughts. This is not only one of the biggest aspects of CBT but even Patanjali mentions this in the Sutras. It is a lot like positive affirmations also. The mind is like a habit machine, as you should be able to recognise if you catch yourself singing some songs you heard mentally. The senses receive loads of information which your mind percieves and interprets and when the interpretation gets repeated by dwelling on whatever, habits form. Believe me, it isn't hard to change the overall trend of your thoughts from negative to positive - it just takes practice and time (another thing Krishna said about meditation in the Gita).
For example, these days if i get any negative thoughts i can almost immediately forget them and make the emotional reactions dissipate quickly. What your mind needs is love and compassion for these negative feelings and thoughts by rememberance. After a while, it becomes easier and easier to let go of the negativity.
About addictions. I am addicted to drink and pot and cigarettes. These type of "habits" are much harder to change. You said you just got a job. This is probably one of the best things for you because it staves off boredom, and boredom is a big part for why we turn to bad habits. I do not work; hence i have too much free time, get bored and turn to drink etc. I don't know the answer to how to get rid of these addictions but essentially it consists of will power and making up your mind completely. How to get to that stage is something i am working on.
Incidentally, in another recent post of yours you said you were getting sleep paralysis and OBE symptoms. Is this a product of your recent engagement in meditation practices or does it have more to do with stress? If the latter, there are loads of things you can do to help yourself feel better. You have to watch what you eat and drink, practice muscular relaxation, stay away from drugs and alcohol, replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts, force yourself to get out more little by little, build confidence. Relationships are often the biggest source of personal stress so make sure your environment at home brings you happiness.
Also, regarding medication, there is nothing wrong with being on anti-depressants, if that is what you are on. But in general it is better to be free of all drugs. Come off slowly, not quickly, and incorporate all other beneficial changes in the interim.
We can't always change how we feel and react to things due to upbringing, environment, learning and instinct. But we can do a lot with our thinking to nullify the effects of negative feelings.
