Greetings all,
Thought I would share the way I got first taste of self enquiry, a spontaneous one. I was reading the newspaper online in my office. For some days, there are continuously reports are coming about mindless violence and gender crime to a particular sect, and lack of enough action taken by the government. I was reading report about yet another incident, and noticed that an anger is building up inside me.
I have a photo of Maa Durga saved in my computer, which I sometimes like to keep open and stare at it when I get some time in between my works, as I feel a strong connection with Maa through this photo. This was open and I was staring at it, feeling connected. Suddenly I noticed that I am saying in my mind – “Don’t you see these? Have you forgot the people or you don’t exist! After two weeks there is Durga puja (the biggest annual festival for us, like Christmas in US, and we are preparing for it), and I want to see that you exist. Next day I want to see news about some positive development, otherwise I will think that this is just a false sense of connection, and I will not waste time opening your photo either. I AM very very angry with you…..” and right then! it felt like another me peeked out from my heart and asked “which I? Who I am??”
I went into pretty jumbled state of mind in an instant, and could only notice that the anger dissolved in a moment. As if the anger was a coin I was tossing on my fingers, in a sense that I was pretty occupied with it, but suddenly the coin fell off from my hand and disappeared in a gutter, leaving an empty feeling for me. Since then, my feeling towards the incidents, the photo, and the connection, remained sincere but turned into dispassion.
If nothing else, it was very humbling…
BTW, my practice does not include self enquiry now, and I have not yet read the book either … so I do not know how it feels
