A few days ago, AYP Lesson #272 was posted on
"Addiction, Abusive Conduct, Tough Love and Yoga." See:
http://www.aypsite.com/plus/272.htmlThe lesson is an account of the challenges faced by a woman with a boyfriend with addiction issues relating to drugs and sex. My response recommended firmness and the use of a 12 step program for dealing with the compulsive behavior and addiction. Firmness on the part of loved ones and the 12 step program are the most effective known means for dealing with such issues. The 12 step program has non-sectarian spiritual principles behind it and is compatible with yogic methods. That is why this topic is posted here in Yamas and Niyamas.
A revealing reply to the inquirer in Lesson #272 was received from a reader in long-term recovery from addiction and is posted anonymously below. It sheds light on the difficult journey that addicts must take before life can move forward.These are stories of great courage and I wanted to offer the thread started in Lesson #272 for continuation here in Yamas and Niyamas. These are important matters of conduct -- daily choices we make that can either hold us back or transform us in positive ways as we move forward in life and in yoga.
I hope this lesson and feedback will be helpful and that this topic and others like it will continue for the benefit of those with compulsive/addictive difficulties and their loved ones who are facing these issues and choices every day. The stakes are high.
For more on 12 step programs, see "Twelve Step Recovery Programs " in the AYP links section at
http://www.aypsite.org/Links.html The guru is in you.
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Reply to Lesson # 272 on Addiction and Yoga:Hi Yogani,
I wanted to respond to your correspondent (in lesson 272) regarding addiction in relationship. As someone with long-term recovery from my addiction to sexual stimulation and romantic fantasy, caffeine, and work, I concur with your call for firmness.
For me, and I suspect for other addicts, the substances and hormones that are produced by overstimulation mask emotional pain that we're afraid will destroy our spirits. Asking us to give them up sounds like a request that we succumb. When the traumas that created such pain in us occurred, we might not have had the inner development to cope. However, in time we develop other resources. By the time we bring people into our lives who call us to something higher in no uncertain terms, it is a blessing. It indicates that we are, in fact, ready to face the pain even though we might not be aware of that readiness.
I would never have gotten my life in order had I not been confronted with a make-or-break choice. Unfortunately for me, I was not able to preserve the relationship that revealed the truth of my spiritual condition to me. However, I know of others who have been able to. Though I cannot give her hope that her relationship will survive. But I do not think she needs to despair over it either.
It seems to me that we bring people into our lives who mirror us to some extent. When she stands firm with respect to his inappropriate behavior toward himself and her, I believe as one who's been there that she will be fulfilling the love she feels toward him in the highest degree. My suggestion to her would be to make ongoing participation in an anger management program a bottom-line requirement for continued contact. Her physical safety simply must be guaranteed. Beyond that, a genuine effort to apply the 12 steps to his addictive sexual behavior is the only method I know of to ensure that a person can gain a measure of freedom from that particular form of addiction. Unfortunately, addicts lie to protect what they unconsciously believe is their only reliable source of comfort. After more than a decade I still have trouble with that at times. But sustained progress is an indication of devotion.
I hope that he is strong enough to one day dissolve the hard crust of his conditioning. I hope that she is strong enough to tend to her own growth in the meantime. Why she brought in someone with such difficult issues is a question that only her soul can answer. But I can just about guarantee that it wasn't so that she would succumb to despair--though that risk certainly seems present.
I guess what I most want to say is that her love will leave its mark on him whether he can respond in a time that harmonizes with her spiritual development or not. If she needs to move on for her own sake, she can rest assured that her involvement with him will have been a blessing to him whether he is ever able to recognize it and express his gratitude or not. I know, because I've been in his shoes.
My question for her now is this: is her relationship with him proving to be a blessing to her or not? Sadly, from what I read, my guess is that at the moment it is not. She cannot expect anyone to change that and especially not him. She can certainly ask him to correct what is wrong. But, if he isn't ready to do what it takes to sustain the relationship and she secretly knows that, it might already be over. If so, it might be time for her to acknowledge that, grieve her grief, and move on.
Sometimes, an addict will do what it takes to recover after enduring the loss and realizing exactly what it was that the addiction has cost him. Sometimes the threat of such a loss is enough for an addict to wake up. For his sake I hope the latter. But if he doesn't change his behavior, sooner or later that loss will come. She cannot save him from it. What she can do is protect herself from the abuse that is beginning to degrade her.
All the best,
Anonymous Recovering Male Addict