Hi Louis
This is the answer to your questions in this post (The Forced celibacy and mind games topic):
http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=4431&whichpage=2 quote:
I'm not sure that I understand this. To say that there can be no more growth because one is in a situation which is demanding or not in harmony with one's own lifestyle or one's own journey seems inaccurate to me.
Yes....I see what you mean. All I know is that during the years where the situation
was very demanding, and where I many a time wished myself to "greener pastures" as you call it.....right during that time there was the most growth....exactly because we
didn't separate. Although it was difficult, I was at the same time aware of the fact that both he and I matured. We gradually communicated better. As it turned out...this communication both brought us into - and was initiated by - a greater contact with the
moment. This is what growth is to me. First, an awareness of the moment, then a digestion (by the awareness) of ourselves in the presence (which is what any moment
is), resulting in a greater and greater surrender to the very same moment.
You are right - there is always growth.
But I am always interested in the most
optimal growth. What teaches me
the most when it comes to surrender to What Is? The answer to that question is always the same to me (although I have wished it to be otherwise many a time). It is always the Shine/Presence/God that teaches me the most. Maybe a better way to explain it is that if I had further resisted leaving when I did....a slower growth would have taken place....sort of like going around in circles. I can't know for sure, Louis. Since I indeed left. All I can say is that I was so, so afraid when I did......because - in addition to all the turmoil of losing security and life as I had known it - it revealed a great fear of failing my spiritual ideals. And fail them I did.....there was immediate hurt for all 4 of us. The fact that I caused them pain is still hard to bear. I can feel your questions triggering whatever doubt there still is....may it all surface (and thank you).
Paradoxically....failing my ideals..... I still serve.......and the merging with the moment is much, much greater than it was before the divorce.
As for "ones own lifestyle" and "ones own journey" ......I feel that when the surrender happens, I move with the moment instead of my chosen lifestyle at any time - no matter what ideas this lifestyle is built on (noble or not). This is how I view the journey......as a greater and greater willingness to let go of
any chosen lifestyle.
The last couple of years were the least demanding in the relationship. By then the need to flee had dropped, and I was content to be where I was. I thought this was my lot in life.....to stay with him through thick and thin.....it seemed a noble thing to do....the right thing according to what I considered to be "the spiritual way". As it turned out......this was yet another "chosen life style".
Neither leaving nor staying was it.
When he....in his moment of presence..... voiced that he wished we had separated sooner I cried for three days in a row....the grief was just bottomless......it was a silent crying....tears continuously streaming down my face....I could not go to work. After the three days there was serene, blissfull presence. Just like that. Life went on for a while. Since he did not want any physical change I thought that was it. That we would continue as we were. Then came the illness of my mother and finally her death and the rest you know. It was such a surprise that after having surrendered fully to staying in the relationship... that it actually ended up with us going our separate ways. But after leaving....all the past 8 years sort of fell into place within. They explained themselves....
I am not very good at explaining what is not my experience, Louis. So
as for what had happened had he (or my daughters) become ill or handicapped......all I can say is that I feel like you. I probably could not have left. I am sure there would have been growth still.....especially if I would have stayed because of presence and not guilt. It certainly is my experience that guilt is a destructive and jailing feeling if identified with. To experience the "taking care of a handicapped or ill one".....also seems as a way where you did not have to make a choice. And to not have a choice is a much easier situation. You know what to do then. I left because I finally saw that there was no "other" choice. Despite whatever doubt there still was, I was choiceless. Every practicle thing concerning the move fell miraculously into place the instant I saw this.
As it ended up, I did not leave my ex husband because I felt trapped in the relationship.
On the contrary. I felt free to move.
Thank you for asking these questions. It is very helpful......when I have to put words to this intimate and challenging issue.
I honestly can not say for sure whether I did the right thing. I know nothing of the full consequence of what I did. But neither is there a feeling that I did the wrong thing. So I have never regretted. It is still a challenge to face
all the consequences of the break-up.......
.......but because of the Shine I am able to bear it.