I said in another thread:
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Well, I actually have been reaching some new things in meditation, but I have a loong way to go. There's lots of things I haven't gotten to yet. If I miss a single practice session, I revert fast to my old graspy/irritible/malcontent self (though it's not as deeply burned in, and I can catch myself fairly easily). And people are still people...I can feel their energy and I'm naturally/instinctively empathetic (emotionally), but I can't feel any deep affinity/unity. In place of jewels in my stomach, I have only Rolaids. And nectar shmectar. Oh, and I had a small bout of road rage yesterday. I could go on.
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it's all true. And worse! I have a phobia that's always incapacitated me in certain specific situations (luckily, they're predictable). This weekend, I was in a situation that exposed me to such a situation. I reacted in the usual way...panic, feeling of suffocation, overwhelming urge to flee.
A few years ago, I used to see everything pretty binary. Everything was good or bad. And the things I've described above would have indicated to me that I'm making NO PROGRESS AT ALL. Still stuck in the maya/samsara, still attached, still at the mercy of my emotions and passions. Argh. Harumph. Sigh.
But know what? I recovered from the road rage quickly; I didn't spend the subsequent two hours going over and over the incident in my mind, making myself angrier and angrier. And when I get grouchy, it's not an all-consuming grouchiness. It feels almost as if I"m PLAYING at grouchiness. And my phobic reaction definitely knocked me well off kilter...but it wasn't absolutely debilitating. I didn't get lost in it. All of this, I realize, sounds like mere shadings. But all the good things are in the shadings. Yoga is all about the shadings. I've learned the value of shadings.
We expect that as we make progress in yoga, that all our bad habits and anger and attachments will totally drop away, leaving us "perfected". We expect to turn into the smiling, being-here-now, more-godly-than-god figures so many "masters" pretend to be. Well, baloney. They all have anger, fear, and the whole mishmash of human issues. We're all human. You never ever stop being human. But your soul can wear its humanity lightly.
I'm posting this as a breadcrumb trail for people who think like I did ten years ago. Consider the subtleties of your behavior, rather than the big arc. Progress in yoga doesn't hinge on being a doe-eyed smiley-puss all the time. It hinges on grabbing on just a little less tightly to whoever you perceive yourself to be at any given moment. Every micro-notch less grabbing - i.e. more letting go - is a thousand tons of pure gold. It's not about becoming less screwed up, it's about loosening your identification with and attachment to the screwed up person you will always continue to be - who is just as much a phantom of the maya/samsara as anyone/anything else.
If you absolutely must judge your progress, keep your eye on the subtleties; monitor how tightly your bonds restrain and how tightly shut your doors are. That's all that matters on this path. The bigger picture stuff (e.g. becoming more spiritual-seeming) is just about stylishness. Nothing to do with yoga.