Non-attachment versus detachment

[Katrine]

Becoming non-attached in the manner that was written about in the Hole and the Whole topic

http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=4520

is not something that would have happened had I avoided the situation that initiated all this.

Yoganis book Bhakti and Karma Yoga was a joy to read, and it validated what I experience. It is life itself that presents me with the golden opportunities to learn about Love/God/Being. Love exists in all corners, nooks and crannies...everywhere.....it is what life is made of......and wherever I am,  the opportunity to learn about love is here at all times (now).

So going off somewhere (whether it is staying in my apartment, in a cave in the Himalayas, or working my butt off) to just meditate or practise service or just seeing that "all is one" does not do it at all. I go out and live my life to the fullest. After all - that is where it is all happening.

I know from my own experience how easy it is to choose aloofness or detachment as a way of avoidance. I was very good at it at some point in my life. I guess it was a tactique that developped through being hurt so much as a child. But along the way, through deep meditation and self-inquiry (which started more than a decade before meeting AYP) silence drew me closer and closer into the very texture of life. And now I find it almost impossible to detach myself. If I do....as I did in the situation that is told of in this topic....there is almost immediate "retalliation". Yet though these "retalliations" may look like ordeals that one could do without  (or seem harsh or non-compassionate) - they are the very burning away of the next layer of unawareness that needs to be exposed. They carry gifts within themselves. It is true compassion. True mercy.

The more this is seen and understood; the more there is trust in life. And the more trust, the less detachment....the less the need to separate myself from whatever is taking place. The less the need to postpone. There is never going to be a "later".....life is here right now.

I have, at different times in life, had so many excuses for not wanting to give myself completely to whatever was happening. I would be held back by conventions, by ideas, by the collective will in my surroundings, by saying that I did not want to inflict hurt in another,  by wanting to grow my relationship with God (which I thought was somewhere else and something else than what was right here)...anything I could use as an excuse to not give myself fully. Because that means a total lack of control. And a total lack of control engenders fear. Yet - in facing fear and as such go beyond it, it always turns out that love is here. Where life is.

So the trust in love is immense now. It is equal to the trust in life.

By "giving myself fully" I mean staying completely open at all times. Not as in staying in the middle of the road when there is a car comming, that would not be intelligent. But as in welcoming anything that comes in my way and stay close to it. Be intimate with it. It always comes for a reason.

To not be close to what is happening is to not be close to the now. And when I withdraw (detach) I also lose contact with the love inside. Then of course the insecurity, vulnerability and fear is also less felt. That is the whole point of why I withdraw to begin with. I will find an excuse as to why it is necessary to do this. And when the fear is less, then life seems "easier" for a while. There is less tension. But......the price I pay for detaching myself is one of lesser depth....less joy.....less love. It is a sneaking thing.....so it took many years before I understood this. That "later" was never going to take place. What was here was here NOW....this was the golden opportunity. Not later.

So when the tendency to detach is discovered, it is possible to be intimate with it. To see it happening. To witness it until it is gone. In order to be able to do this, I have to see to it that I can be completely present to myself. If I find I can't do this in the surounding that I am finding myself in, I sometimes have to physically withdraw. Usually there is plenty of space in my life for this.  This time around however, the fear was such that I saw to it that this could not happen. There was no space for me to be present to myself when I needed it the most. 20 years ago, this was pretty much how my life was at all times. I never "had any time to be with myself". Then over the years I learned. And now it happens instantly if I favor it. But obviously only if I favor it

Self-pacing does not mean to avoid the moment. It never means that. On the contrary - the moment is always telling if there is imbalance.

If I say of what life brings me: "I am not ready for this" this is in my experience not true. If I was not ready for it, life would not have brought it. It is that simple. What I might not be ready for, is the idea of what this happening will turn into. Mind thinks it knows what is going to take place in the future. It already has a certain "plan". It uses past experiences to draw this conclusion. And it is this that I am not ready for....however, I am never going to be truly ready for the idea.

The instant I make a boxed relationship out of life it becomes a stagnant thing. Be it in the relation with another human being or anything else. It might be good for relative security....but it will be a smothering one.
So.....the joy of living in a close relating with life itself is not something that can be explained. It is only through direct experience that it can be discovered.  

And non-attachment happens this way. It happens through facing and  allowing what is.....so that whatever is not seen can be exposed and naturally drop off. Non-attachment cannot be forced. It is not a willful action.

It is a consequence of relating closely with the truth of the moment.