Natalie,
Welcome to the forum.
I understand.
And yet my own experience is the polar opposite of yours. Let me explain what I think is going on, and I'm going to give you an explanation that that doesn't put the blame on you, because it doesn't belong there.
Some people do wonderfully with meditation. I was one of those. Carson is one of those, and there are others here. I don't think we're deluding ourselves that is is working for us; any more than you are deluding yourself that it isn't working for you. Both of these perspectives are real and make sense.
I remember the early days after I started meditating -- the great enthusiasm I had. As I saw it, everyone just had to try it... This was going to save the world....! And I did get some people to try it. And it didn't do much for them. They thought maybe I was a fool, deluding myself, getting onto a bandwagon, and I in turn thought, hey, maybe they were doing it wrong or maybe they didn't give it enough time or...
How could this be happening? I think it is bio-individuality, simply: brains are different. Some people dance well, others not so well. Some play music well, others not, etc. Some people dance well on the first day, for others it takes years. Some people, truth be told, can never learn to dance or play music well. Genes proably play a huge role, and all sorts of factors.
Let me assure you, and you too, my friend Gumpi, that, when it is working, the effects of meditation are absolutely real. Science is discovering some of them, proving some of them objectively, but the science is coarse so far. In time, more will be clear. Perhaps we will be able to see and understand exactly what is happening for someone while the meditate... how 'far' they are going, etc.
But I think we will find that it actually isn't working for everyone. Then there is the question of whether they tried long enough. I have no idea of how we can know whether a person hasn't tried long enough, or it just isn't going to work for them.
You have made an effort and it doesn't seem to 'work'. And people say you should expect nothing. Well, I don't think that's entirely fair to you, my friend. Why should you expect nothing? It is supposed to be productive, isn't it? Would you be standing out for an hour on one foot every day for no reason, no yield, no product at all? No, it's supposed to be productive. ( There is a catch because a 'greed' for productivity can inhibit a relaxation that can be good for the process... but that's just a catch, an irony, a 'paradox of instruction'; it's still supposed to be productive.)
There are systems in place to prevent early discouragement. Some of them are to tell you that it is going to work anyway eventually. Are we sure that they will work eventually for any given individual? I'm not... Do we have evidence for that? Honestly, do we?
Natalie, for all your frustration, I am sorry. Don't blame yourself or the world of meditation. Don't take any burden on yourself about this. You tried it. I don't know how long you tried it, and whether you should try it further. I can't know. It's up to you whether you think you should try it further. However if you tell us how long you tried, people might give you perspective. For some people, they had to try a while before they got some payoff.
Hatha Yoga, by the way, does a lot of good for most people.
Enjoy AYP,
-D
