Hi Anthony, my dear ardent and young (I presume!) seeker
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But how do you seperate your desire for God from expectations?
Desire can come from different sources - a yearning from your spirit, or something your egoic mind wants to achieve. The first one brings results faster then the second. They could be intermingled of course as well, maybe they always are. But expectations are always from your egoic mind. Your spirit already knows it is and what it is. It just wants to
experience it. A huge difference. Your mind knows nothing and always tries to make sense of everything, it is always worried, with problems to solve etc. This being said expectations can also serve as motivation and inspiration to move further so there is a delicate balance here. I admit this is more of an art then a science but one that also refines over time, so don't worry. Or do, maybe it's your time for that!
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So how do you desire God all the time without expecting something to happen to prove to you that you are experiencing this (ie Samadhi, silence, ect)?
Easy. Either you know or not. Either you feel it or not. Either you have faith or not. Either you believe in it or you don't. If you don't believe in it then why bother? But have this in mind - God is not a concept that you can hold in your mind. God is much much bigger than your mind, God is everything. So, how can your have expectations?? What kind of expectations if you are about to realise the biggest mystery of all?
It has much more to do with feelings inside, an intuition, a calling maybe...either you have that or you don't. I believe you do have it, and everybody will, sooner or later.
From the beggining I noticed meditation worked for example but I expected nothing. Well, a better word is actually
demand - I never
demanded anything. Is ok to expect stuff and be aware of changed and effects of practices in you, but is not ok to demand them or change your mood because it did not work. You just move on then. Your desire - that is strong in you - will bring you, sooner or later - to the truth. Hope this helps somehow.
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I believe, as a chronic sufferer of expecting, that expectations do get in the way of practice. But desire is Bhakti, which is obviously ok.
Even expectations and the frustrations you expericne from them can be a part of your path. Feel them, be aware of them, don't supress them. Like in everything just observe and be aware of them. There is great power in this. Don't expect not to have expectations
Each person has their own path and I think this is part of yours. Relax into them, observe them. They can be your best friends, even if they don't seem like it at first.
About desire, please see my previous reply to Gumpi. Desire can be a hindrance as well in my view and also Yogani says you need to self-pace it at some point. For me desire is fire and it can burn you up inside if not well managed. You seem to have plenty of it which is not a bad thing at all! Just need to be managed. I guess the best is to have desire that enables you to practice everyday but enough faith to know that your desire you always get you there no matter what. Like that your fire keeps tamed. If it is not through meditation taht you get there, so be it. Be at ease my friend, be patient. You have the fire so you will get there sooner or later