Thank you All for so many illuminating words!
I have spent some days in the mountains again. Plenty of tunnels either way....and no pannick attacks
I changed my expectations. Earlier - after that first incident - i expected the fear to come. Now I expect the shine to be here in the darkness too. And it is!
I decide to be quiet - and I am!
Christi said:
quote:
I still believe that I was acting from a position of ignorance.
Yes....this is what I come to see about myself. I am always acting from a position of ignorance. I have wanted so much to
know what I am doing.....and I have spent so much time reproaching myself for being so.....blind. But then...slowly....it is as if this acceptance opens a door. If I simply never know what I am doing....and if I'll never know, and yet - intelligent action is indeed happening through all of us all the time - then maybe to accept that I don't know, frees that space. I never "calculated myself" into spontanious responses. It can't be done.
I don't
know, and then do. It doesn't work that way. So....Christi....what happened was ment to happen. Look at it again. All of it. Before, during, after. Apart from your knowing that you acted from ignorance.....is there something else? Some other understanding - for you? I don't know. Only you will see this.
I know I am not ready to die for the Devine. It is obvious. Why else would I be afraid of tunnels?
I also know that I am ready for the Devine. Very ready.
But these two (these "knowings")- what does it matter what I think I know? Those two statements are
not truth.
So, to me, the less I focus on what I know, the more space there is. Openness.
I remember from reading Osho that he talks about "reaction" verses "response". It is of course semantics, but he seemed to say that spontanious, free, action is always in tune with Silence - it comes straight from Silence. He called it
response. While as a reaction is just that....activity based on previous activity. It is "patterned" (I read contracted).
Yogani - I love the way you explain it.
quote:
The things we may wish to avoid now may be very things we will choose to fully engage in a freer state, filled with ecstatic bliss instead of the revulsion of the past. Ironic, isn't it?
Yes. I see my marriage. At first the falling in love (or rather: infatuation); then all the "goals" of family life; the joy of children....
Then the diseases, the financial struggle. I see all the obstacles....the falling out of love (out of infatuation). The temptation to leave (escape), the pain of watching my egoism......all this....
versus the light I see in my husbands face these days. How could I have been so blind? I never truly loved him until now.
And I will never know the depth possible