Resistance, fear and control issues

[Katrine]

Thank you All for so many illuminating words!

I have spent some days in the mountains again. Plenty of tunnels either way....and no pannick attacks I changed my expectations. Earlier - after that first incident - i expected the fear to come. Now I expect the shine to be here in the darkness too. And it is!
I decide to be quiet - and I am!

Christi said:
 

quote:I still believe that I was acting from a position of ignorance.

Yes....this is what I come to see about myself. I am always acting from a position of ignorance. I have wanted so much to know what I am doing.....and I have spent so much time reproaching myself for being so.....blind. But then...slowly....it is as if this acceptance opens a door. If I simply never know what I am doing....and if I'll never know, and yet - intelligent action is indeed happening through all of us all the time - then maybe to accept that I don't know, frees that space. I never "calculated myself" into spontanious responses. It can't be done.
I don't know, and then do. It doesn't work that way. So....Christi....what happened was ment to happen. Look at it again. All of it. Before, during, after. Apart from your knowing that you acted from ignorance.....is there something else? Some other understanding - for you? I don't know. Only you will see this.

I know I am not ready to die for the Devine. It is obvious. Why else would I be afraid of tunnels?

I also know that I am ready for the Devine. Very ready.

But these two (these "knowings")- what does it matter what I think I know? Those two statements are not truth.

So, to me, the less I focus on what I know, the more space there is. Openness.

I remember from reading Osho that he talks about "reaction" verses "response". It is of course semantics, but he seemed to say that spontanious, free, action is always in tune with Silence - it comes straight from Silence. He called it response. While as a reaction is just that....activity based on previous activity. It is  "patterned" (I read contracted).

Yogani - I love the way you explain it.

 

quote:The things we may wish to avoid now may be very things we will choose to fully engage in a freer state, filled with ecstatic bliss instead of the revulsion of the past. Ironic, isn't it?

Yes. I see my marriage. At first the falling in love (or rather: infatuation); then all the "goals" of family life; the joy of children....
Then the diseases, the financial struggle. I see all the obstacles....the falling out of love (out of infatuation). The temptation to leave (escape), the pain of watching my egoism......all this....

versus the light I see in my husbands face these days. How could I have been so blind? I never truly loved him until now.

And I will never know the depth possible  

   

[Katrine]

quote:Now I expect the shine to be here in the darkness too. And it is!

 
I omitted something in this....discription. Which is really funny - because what was omitted is .....nothing. I read through the post just now - and I saw the omition. In a glimpse I saw the connection.

I don't really expect the shine. I expect nothing. It is this quietude of the mind.... in this space - the shine is visible. The tunnel episodes shed clarity on how the mind seduces itself into power. Driven by the fear of not being in control. Had it not been for the tunnel experiences I would not have understood. It had to be this grave for me to see. It is the expectation itself that is the limit. To be still and expect nothing, simply  - by default - reveals reality.

It is always like this.

I have seen this so many times now that it is pretty incredible that it took all this to trust that it is always here. This is what the tunnel experience gave me.

This frees everything. Fear, anger, revolt....it can all be there. Pleasure, coziness, safety too. These emotions are no more who I am than the thoughts of the mind.

All this coincides with a very......profund happening with my husband up at the cabin. I cannot reveal the details of it (because it involves him) - but it is enough to say that I experienced a death up there. A big "clog" in my heart.....popped. Thanks to him and his courageous openness. The death....the aftermath was about 48 hours of deep, deep.....sadness. Tears streaming down my face for a day and a half....All the time i prayed for continuous openness. I prayed that no matter how painful.....that I would stay open. And it happened! I am emptied of it now.

That is why the heart is so light

This is why the love is so.....deep.

It is quiet....completely wordless.....and all over the place.

[Christi]

Hi Katrine,

 

quote:All this coincides with a very......profund happening with my husband up at the cabin. I cannot reveal the details of it (because it involves him) - but it is enough to say that I experienced a death up there. A big "clog" in my heart.....popped. Thanks to him and his courageous openness. The death....the aftermath was about 48 hours of deep, deep.....sadness. Tears streaming down my face for a day and a half....All the time i prayed for continuous openness. I prayed that no matter how painful.....that I would stay open. And it happened! I am emptied of it now.

Sounds heavy, whatever happened. I hope everything works itself out for you and your husband. It sounds like you were able to deal with it so that's good.

 

quote:That is why the heart is so light

This is why the love is so.....deep.

It is quiet....completely wordless.....and all over the place

And thanks for that beautiful description of divine love. I can relate to these words more and more these days. As I mentioned in another thread, it is becoming the most important (or only important) thing in my life, and the only real thing I have to give.

Christi