Hello this was originally posted in the public forums with the ongoing self pacing thread but decided it was not really where it should be as this seems to be more related to the Liberation book.
Pretty certain some of the topics of that book are being experienced and could use some help in understanding this phase of development.
Temperament during the day is good, cheerful, intuition is in the forefront but still go through the motions just to avoid alarming people, also helps with verification at this stage to do the steps to verify intuition was indeed correct. Trying to say feelings and sense of humor still in tact but not really interwoven with them.
Encountering new levels of the witness state but still feel stuck as a witness.
Will describe it best as possible hopefully Yogani or Christi will read this and have some helpful input. Hopefully others will not think there input is not valued.
There are periods of duality and unity, this is the fluctuation do not know what is the eventual point of arrival so will do the best to describe awareness below.
Feel the need to get past this divided sense desire to move on. This is difficult to put into words there is no sense of hopelesness or dispondancy. There is calmness and stillness but no particular feeling of engagement, excitement or joy, everything is just ok. Pain is ok. pleasure is ok. Pain however is still not welcome. Pleasure is not denied.
If there is something to do there is no resistance to doing it just consideration of scheduling when it should be done and in what sequence. If there is nothing to do then that is ok too, there is no feeling of having to do something for the sake of being in motion.
Today is good tomorrow is good this moment is good and so is the next there is no sense of things will be better when or I can't wait till..... There is acceptance yet nothing is hoped for.
For example when the Star Wars Movie comes out in December that will be good but it is ok to wait until the theatres are not crowded and see it then.
So this witness stage has been going on most of this life but it has been a thing that was shied away from because to be honest it could be pretty bleak at times
( not so much anymore though ) ( now it is a bit of a mix )
like being alone on the surface of the moon looking at the warm rich verdant beautiful earth but divorced from it by a span of nanometers a distance so small yet not traversable, like a skin in between or the tension of the surface of water but it can never be penetrated to really touch the object with heart just beneath this infinitesimally thin divide.
When the word bleak is used it is meant to convey the feeling of being on the moon cold and sterile but beautiful too. Seperate yet complete in it's own way with the identification from the perspective of looking at the moon from the surface of the earth completly fallen away because from the perspective of sitting on the moon that perspective is shattered.
Here is the issue it is like seeing oneself seeing, yet still being separate form everything yet not, the odd thing though even in this nothing is really felt as being separate for example:
This morning My employers wife had a difficulty where she ran over an object in the road and needed assistance, her Husband my boss is out of town, so she calls the office and the Office Manager knowing I am also a friend of the family asks if I will go and help.
So setting off driving down the road there is no connection to anything stillness silence of the mind, mind running as a tool observing traffic etc.
This is on one level. On another level there is a feeling of connectivity with everything like if the eyes were closed there would still be the feeling of the presence of the vehicles around in the exact point in time and space as with eyes open and the spatial feeling would be no different and it is a feeling of being a part of the whole in motion.
It feels almost as if being on the cusp of something perhaps if focused upon interacting with the individuals on a different level almost like picking up on and observing the personalities and feelings of all around the static of beingness of many persons on the screen of awareness almost like that screen is for everyone to project upon yet is not the sole owner of any of those projecting any more than the screen at a theatre cares about or is owned by which camera or light is being cast upon it, it is odd it is like feeling identified with the screen and also being the light projected upon it but also being no different than any of the other cameras projecting their movie yet at the same time not really grasping any of it. After all the movies keep changing but the screen remains the thing the chafing titles are projected on and reflected by.
The odd thing is how does the screen the projection of light calling itself IAM and the IAM of other projections almost become like two separate Laser beams in parallel begin to have some kind of overlapping field effect while at the same time remaining 1 coherent stream of photons individual and contained in their own beam?
It is like the persona of others with all there complex feelings histories , anxieties and concerns all the emotional spectrum running in a continuity of established directives are fuzzing around and the emanations are known but not sought mostly avoided as the stray field of fuzziness is mostly seems like just intentions that will never be worked out in probability like they are cast off into the void almost like the letting go of samyama but these are like waste byproducts of quanta of beings metabolism all so very hard to describe.
These days when interacting with people, strangers mostly there is a joy in the heart, a love and a desire to cry allot, there is so much love but this is only with one on one interactions and people are just so nice and loving in return the feeling of connectivity and separation is heart wrenching at times. It is so bitter sweet because of the recognition of seeing / feeling a missing part of yourself in a stranger and welcoming a child / parent / friend back home it is a feeling like this, where have you been? Oh my God how could I have forgotten about you type of feeling and joy in their expression of uniqueness yet they are the same no different only apparently different and deep in the eyes the stillness resides no different that the stillness within mine own eyes. That stillness is almost like it is afraid to recognize it's own self its own still ness because there is a bleakness to it and when it is recognized I think it is the end of the game, no more fun playing make believe, yet still somehow make believe happens again and again yet that nanometer thin skin is now recognized.
This is all so odd it is like two strangers recognizing each other in a split instant and then there are no more stranger just us intimate and complete feeling, some are ok with this and some get a little scared and when this is seen knowing the interaction is brought swiftly to a close with platitudes like Ok well thank you, good bye and walking away so as not to keep their discomfort going. Better to let them forget about this disturbing scene and not hamper anyones life.
This is not done on purpose it is just something that happens with both Men and Women, young, old, big, small, color, cast, creed ,race, etc.. there is no differentiation that makes the slightest bit of distinction. Yet there is discrimination to avoid those clearly living in fear and projecting hostility because they are so afraid see this in young men mostly and feel like just taking the burden from them but it is not for me to do that is for the years to accomplish.
This last part fluctuates it is not all the time, and not with all people it is almost like it has a life of it’s own and occurs as it will, like it did with the Police Officer and I we just got each other understood each other and played our respective roles soon the car was freed from the object on the road and my Employers wife was happy and on her way.
Well hope some of these ramblings make some sense either way tired of being stuck fluctuating like this.
