AYP Public Forum
AYP Public Forum => Enlightenment Milestones => Topic started by: Yogaman on October 23, 2013, 02:15:08 AM
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This seems to be the right place for an ongoing journal. I keep one on another forum and it has been very beneficial, so I thought I'd do so here as well. I plan on just replying to my own thread with updates.
For some background, I have been working with the AYP techniques since February of 2013. I had done about 3-4 months of some mindfulness meditation the year prior. That was started up to work with depression, which had been getting increasingly worse at the time. After some success, another depression episode caused me to abandon the meditation and exercise routine for some time. Not one to give up, I picked things back up a few months later.
Around this time, some ongoing conversations with a friend about the Big Questions led me to a renewed interest in meditation and yoga. Both being introverts, we wondered if all these seemingly happy people around us were just self-deluded, not asking the Big Questions, or in some sort of hypnotic trance by a belief system that allowed them to avoid the existential angst both of us were beset with for most of our lives.
Discussions, research and reading from many diverse sources kept leading us back to meditation, to yoga. We decided this was the route to start with, and soon I discovered AYP. I loved the open-source approach to the information. I own all of, and have read most of, the AYP books.
Fast-forwarding to today, I am currently working with a twice-daily session that includes 5 minutes of spinal breathing pranayama, 20 minutes of deep meditation, 5 minutes of rest. I precede each sit with the "abbreviated asana starter kit" mentioned in the AYP text. I have been including mula bandha and sambhavi mudra in my spinal breathing for the past month, both of which I am still looking to find the groove. This week I have started sitting in the siddhasana pose.
I've been able to reach some profound levels of stillness, in both body and mind, for the past two months on a fairly consistent basis. Automatic yoga has been pretty constant for the past few weeks or more as well. Mostly in the head and neck (head going far back, far forward, and spiraling/snaking).
I do have a scientific/skeptical nature to my personality, which is why I gravitated towards yoga and towards AYP with the promise of direct experience. That is important to me. I do struggle at times with the requirement of faith/belief that these systems are valid. Growing up in a casually religious family, I've come to suspect belief systems (I side with Robert Anton Wilson who likes to abbreviate them B.S.).
I'd like to chronicle my ongoing journey here in a public forum, for both the personal benefit and hopefully for the benefit of others like me. I've found wonderful support here on the forum in the past, so perhaps my ongoing quest and questions might be of some value to others.
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Hello!
I have somewhat similar background with AYP, so I will be following this journal out of interest.
Also grew up in religious family, began suspecting it in my late teens, got kinda depressed in my 20s and being an introvert finally decided to take on meditation and now this year stumbled upon AYP. Besides AYP, I'm exploring tantra, kundalini yoga, chiqong and practising martial arts & shiatsu.
Good luck on your quest!
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quote:
Originally posted by chinmayo
Hello!
I have somewhat similar background with AYP, so I will be following this journal out of interest.
Also grew up in religious family, began suspecting it in my late teens, got kinda depressed in my 20s and being an introvert finally decided to take on meditation and now this year stumbled upon AYP. Besides AYP, I'm exploring tantra, kundalini yoga, chiqong and practising martial arts & shiatsu.
Good luck on your quest!
Indeed we do seem to have followed similar paths. I wish you the best on yours as well!
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One of the main reasons for wanting to start up this journal in public was to chronicle some of the experiences that I am unsure about, at least as far as their connection to meditation. One of these has been periods of intense sensory amplification, particularly the senses of smell and sight. Currently I am on another period (this time 3-4 days so far) where my sense of smell is very pronounced. It's as if the volume went from 3 to 7 (out of 10). I also have had some situations where I found myself fascinated by the level of detail and color I was seeing in everyday objects, like the food on my fork. I also have times where nature bathed in sunlight can be especially vibrant and I really have a sense of the depth and space.
My morning meditation had some pulsing, searching "energy" or sensation going around the inside of my head. Almost as if it were looking for a way out. Not strong, but obvious. Very similar to the "energy" I feel when automatic yoga takes place. The automatic yoga has been less prevalent the past few days, but I've also stopped extending my sits past the 20 minutes. I had been finding myself just settling in to some deep stillness and peace at the 15-20 minute mark, so I was just extending my sits to enjoy this peaceful state. As a minor depression has come over me in the past few weeks, I suspected perhaps I'd been overdoing it on my sits and decided to pull back to the suggested time limit. I do use a timer (an app).
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Sounds like the practices are working [:D]
With regards to depression, I have suffered with depression also, in fact suicidal levels of depression. After 6 months of AYP practices depression never really affected me in the same way again (apart from overloading being able to bring on low moods). Eventually, depression just stopped altogether, even as an overload symptom. Have been practicing since 2009, never a blue day anymore :-)
It's interesting what you say about lack of existential angst. We can only theorize about things like reincarnation, because ultimately, who knows? But there's such a vast range of people on earth, vastly different and wide ranging levels of fortune, development, intelligence and sensitivity present on spiritual and other levels.
Do people only get one shot? So we're all born completely innocent, and say somebody happens to be born into a family where they are abused horribly, and born with very little intelligence and ability to extricate their-self from the effect of this as they grow older, and consequently live a life of total misery and despair, that's their one shot?
Personally I don't believe it. In my experience, manifestation operates according to certain laws, and whilst sometimes seemingly incredibly cruel and harsh, I intuitively feel that universe dances to its own cosmic perspective which is ultimately beneficent and just. When my sense of self collapses, and I experience the truth of my being, it's my experience that everything is made of Pure Love, and Pure Love is the natural state of things - and present hiding in even the harshest of circumstances.
When I encounter people, I always experience an intuitive perception with an inner-sight of what sort of level of spiritual development/soul age they are on. I don't pay too much attention to it, but I always know it's there - it helps me a lot at understanding where people are coming from and how they experience the world. A great deal of the greatest sages/rishis/seers, including those who realize that everything ultimately is all a play made of but one substance - non-dual consciousness (incl the dance of a soul's evolution) - have indicated the truth of reincarnation. I agree with you about belief systems, they are more likely to obstruct the truth than reveal it, and we are better questioning them with skepticism than accepting with blind faith. I do however rely on my intuition, as it's my constant guide in life, and continually proves itself an accurate predictor of what is true - beyond the limited range of sensory experience and ignorant thought.
Not all souls are at a stage where looking very deeply within is part of their path. They are quite lucky to be able to simply enjoy and be contented with earth life as it is. Its my sense that as souls age, the importance of looking within increases - and hence existential angst grows.
That's all conjecture of course. Only a theory that there's intuitive resonance with here. Ultimately, who knows?
Thank you for writing your journal and sharing with us. It's a service to the community.
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Very interesting to hear on the depression, mr_a. I have noticed my bouts with it are less often, and less severe. This current one is the worst I've had in a long while,mand it's not even close to being as bad as it's been in the past. I've been sick (or dealing with allergies,tough to tell sometimes), as well as injured and unable to exercise, so that could be playing a factor in my low moods.
I can't speak to your other points just yet, I don't have enough experience to really have an opinion but they are some worthwhile things to consider. I've been listening to some Alan Watts lectures (over and over and over), and he touches on similar ideas as you've mentioned. "Out Of Your Mind" is a superb series by Watts.
By the way mr_a, your journal in this section inspired me to do the same. It's something I've been considering for months, glad I got it off the ground.
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One thing I wanted to include about my progress in this journey is my concern about isolation. I tend to be one of those people who really gets into a thing when I get into it. This can also result in dropping it once the novelty wears off, a sure sign of a dabbler.
But I am pretty focused on meditation right now. It's been an interest of mine for much longer than the past year, I just never saw myself seriously putting in the time, and more importantly, didn't know if I saw myself as "that guy".
Over the years, and especially with a switch to working for myself from home, I've found myself shunning my old social outlets. These were centered on drinking and other partying situations. I've lost the interest in these things more and more, and therefore in the those people. The cognitive dissonance is just too much to be at a bar on on a back porch while everyone drinks and does other drugs to intoxication and beyond. I'm not even against it all, it's just lost interest for me.
However, this has severely limited my socializing as it was all based on these types of get-togethers. I'm slowly realizing I never really cultivated a lot of interests or social outlets beyond going to the bar or a party.
With the addition of these yoga practices, my interests align with a very narrow band of topics — or better said, a different band of topics — than your average person would be up for discussing in casual conversation.
I'm not much of a sports guy, a pop culture guy, a current events guy, a news guy or a politics guy. I'm much more on the action side, especially personal exploration and self-improvement. Philosophy, nature, hiking/biking, etc.
Since picking up the meditation and especially since starting AYP, I've noticed a change in myself that is best described as the old, false persona I used to believe I had to maintain is slowly evaporating. I find myself worrying less about what I think I should be doing, and doing what I feel I want (something I've ignored for years, trying to fit in).
I still struggle with this at times, feeling as if I am "missing out" or letting the world pass me by. Being single and childless, I am also a bit on the outside of the experience of many of my friends, and most people near my age in general.
One big downside to this is that you discover very quickly how abrupt the end of a friendship can happen. If not maintained constantly, many casual (and even those you thought were deep) friendships can dissipate within weeks. Many friendships are based on proximity, regular repetition, and convenience.
I've changed a lot of other habits in the months since picking up AYP: healthier eating (whole foods approach), exercise, less alcohol, quit the electronic cigarette that helped me quit smoking, quit using pornography and have dramatically lessened masturbation (I've not been in a relationship in many years).
These changes, along with the meditation focus, definitely make me feel a bit on the fringe. Those feelings of being an outsider make me less interested in socializing in the old haunts as they just make the contrast more dramatic and remind me how much I don't fit in. And with my lack of cultivation of other social outlets (as well as any ideas of how to forge new outlets), I'm finding myself more and more isolated. My relationships are deeper with friends I connect more closely with, and I spend more time with these people than in the past.
Still, I sometimes worry I am isolating myself from lighter and more "fun" outlets, in addition to limiting my chance of meeting someone with whom I could start a relationship.
I worry sometimes this quest for truth through meditation and yoga might just be swapping one set of problems for another.
Some may say the answer is "balance", but I went through a period of meditation and exercise last year while still trying to keep those old social outlets going, and it just felt so forced I eventually sunk back into a depression, gave up all those beneficial activities, and isolated myself once again. Not one to give up, I got back on track at the start of 2013 again.
Interestingly, when in a good mood (and this summer I was in some of the best moods I can recall in a long time), I didn't find myself feeling as if I were "missing out", even though my situation is no different than it is today. I find myself more concerned about the isolation when in a low mood, but also had some concerns when I was in a good mood that perhaps it wasn't healthy to not be concerned about the social connections.
A bit confusing perhaps, but it plays a big factor in my meditation practices and my persistence and dedication to it.
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Damn, it really sounds like me telling my life story - i can definitely relate!
It has been difficult finding the best way to socialize after skipping bar/nightclub scene, but on the other hand I haven't really felt the need for socializing the same way I used to. Actually, the socializing I am doing now seems more fulfilling as I don't have any expectations of them. Very very liberating after being rather anxious guy in the past - anxious if I stayed home because I felt like I should be somewhere socializing, and also anxious if I went out socializing as I felt like it wasn't what I had expected. And the next days hangover didn't help that much either[}:)]
I have found that I have the most fun outside of myself with people with spiritual interests. I go to the yoga classes and martial arts classes to socialize and to have social outlet. And the tantra groups are also good for meeting like minded people and having some physical / spiritual connection, as I am also a single man living alone. To me it feels like a brand new, exciting life with new possibilites to explore - without the cloak of depression on! The balance is good - there should be some socializing, physicality and fun in addition to solitary spiritual practises I would say.. But it's good to choose carefully with whom you want to be socializing with etc.
Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a good ol' pint or two every now and then, but I don't enjoy getting drunk, or that scene anymore. Oh gosh, should be sleepin' already.
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I hear you on the anxiety of feeling as if you must go out, and then once out, the anxiety of feeling you must have a good time, or meet someone, etc.
I just finished re-reading an odd little meditation book called The Short Path. It discusses specific techniques for reaching states of consciousness in meditation. I had read it years ago before starting a regular meditation practice and thought I would read it again. Some of it made a slight bit more sense, with an expanded knowledge and vocabulary from my AYP reading.
The short version of the technique is that you focus on an area in your (closed eye) sight line, about the distance where you'd read a book. Where the focus of the eyes converges. This area or "spot" is the area to focus on. There is no light or color to it, it is just an artifact of the optic nerve on each eye. Once found, maintaining this focus on the area and then focusing on the center is the next goal. This he claims is the source of the term "bindu", and it will appear as a small point of light. Your aim is to expand that point. It will eventually appear as a five-pointed star. If one can maintain this star, the mind will settle into samadhi.
He goes into slight more detail, as well as his own personal history and experiences. But the technique is very simple. Personally, I do not see this "spot" he claims exists. It is said it's not something you imagine or visualize, it is there all the time, but subtle.
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Hi Yogaman [:)]
Thank you for sharing and chronicling your path. I agree with Mr Anderson that it looks like AYP is really benefiting you. Regarding socializing, I am also an introvert and I don't have many friends, there are people I meet regularly and talk with but I have few very close friends. I think that having friends even if they are few, that are very close and are friends for life, is what is important, these friendships can get very deep and meaningful and ultimately those are the "real" friends. I believe you'll find your way in this area, because by keeping on doing spiritual practices you open yourself to reveal the authentic and positive you, and the people that match the "real you" and who can be good friends will be attracted to you. It's an evolution and it keeps on just getting better and better.
[:)]
Please keep on writing about your journey, it is very interesting, and sure will help others who are/will be in the same place as you are/will be.
Oh yeah and just to echo your experience, my ideas of how I should be/act or even write gradually dissolved over time of practicing AYP, and blocks keep on dissolving to reveal the true being.
[OM]
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Dear Yogaman,
Thank you so much for sharing your journal with us!
I am a big fan of Alan Watts, btw - his books really got me started on all this stuff back in my teens.
Re: friends and socializing. I live out in the boondocks and work night shift, and also have chronic illness with immune dysfunction, so I don't get to socialize much. Most of my friends live an hour away, on the beach, and I used to enjoy going to sing at karaoke but my health won't really allow it right now. So I do most of my "socializing" on Facebook and AYP forum. I have met some of the nicest people here!! AYP is really a wonderful sangha. Thank you for being part of it. [3]
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Thanks for the kind words Yonatan and Radharani. It's good to know the journal entries are of interest to others.
My recent episode of depression slowly feels as if it's finally lifting. I'm still not feeling well though. I've maintained my meditation sits as they give me some peace and structure to these otherwise chaotic days. Being self-employed, it's easy to take advantage of not having a boss when one isn't in the mood to work or not feeling well. But one also needs to let the body rest and heal.
The meditations have not been as still as they were before my health took a dip. I had a thought during yesterday's sit that I have an expectation on the meditation process in which the experience should be as distinct and obvious as a depression or a psychedelic experience — I don't want to suspect that things may be progressing, I want an experience that is obvious. One of my earliest thoughts after I first started meditating regularly was that the first goal was to eliminate all my earlier expectations and preconceptions. I realized I've collected a lot of inaccurate views of the process from film, television, cartoons, and uninformed conversation. It made me realize too how much of every aspect of life has been influenced this way, but that's another topic!
I think I may still be placing expectations on meditation based on these pop culture references mixed with my imagination. The more I meditate, the more the process itself is allowed to unfold on its own.
I had dinner with a long-time friend last night who lives local. He was involved with a kriya yoga group years ago for many years, even going to some national retreats. When asked, he said he stopped due to not being able to calm the mind after 5 years. I vas surprised to hear that. He felt as if it was not suited to him, and that other activities brought him to a calm state. I didn't feel comfortable jumping in with all the information I've read over the past hear (I'm know to do just that!), but it seemed as if he wasn't clear as to the real goals of practices. I'm unaware of the structure of the lessons and the pace of the release of information and techniques. He was however aware of keychari mudra, but who knows where he heard of it.
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I wanted to share this website I discovered the other day. The author's experience of certain stages of meditation practices without any knowledge of what was "supposed" to happen were very encouraging to me as to the validity of some of the descriptions I've read elsewhere.
http://formlessart.wordpress.com/
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Dear Yogaman,
I think you are very right about wanting to see obvious effects and change from practicing AYP. I mean, who doesn't? I also think that although that is what we may want to see, it doesn't always happen like we want it to. These changes can take time, things need to be processed, released, and life may need to go through many subtle and not so subtle changes. Like you, I am now also learning to be patient with it, trusting and intending to move forward with Bhakti, but patient and accepting things how they are, this is a powerful lesson to learn, I am seeing.
Good luck and keep it up [:)]
[3]
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Dear Yogaman,
I think you are very right about wanting to see obvious effects and change from practicing AYP. I mean, who doesn't? I also think that although that is what we may want to see, it doesn't always happen like we want it to. These changes can take time, things need to be processed, released, and life may need to go through many subtle and not so subtle changes. Like you, I am now also learning to be patient with it, trusting and intending to move forward with Bhakti, but patient and accepting things how they are, this is a powerful lesson to learn, I am seeing.
Good luck and keep it up [:)]
[3]
Indeed, one reads often that what you are seeking is right here, now. The patience and accepting may be beneficial to this.
I was listening to a Manly P. Hall lecture on YouTube last night, the topic was "Concentration". He discussed how the story of the Buddha saying he was going to sit under the Bo tree and not leave until he reached enlightenment was an allegory for him staying on the path he was on, with no more "guru hopping".
In a sense I reached the beginnings of that point this year. I knew I needed to put time and dedication to these pursuits; for too long I had wondered about them but told myself I didn't have the focus or persistence. But nothing else I was doing was "right", any I knew I needed to focus in and make some real effort.
I am seeing some change, if slight and subtle. I'm here for the long haul.
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That's good Yogaman [:)]
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Been struggling with some depression over the past few weeks. It goes up and down in terms of intensity. The one practice I've maintained is my meditation sits. I do realize I am putting somewhat of an expectation for outcome on this, hoping for some cessation of the depression. But I do it more to maintain the practice as well as not fall into a slump of inactivity — that can spiral into a deeper negative mindset.
I've also found myself experimenting with kechari mudra over the past couple weeks. Mostly outside of my sits. I'm not sure why but I got the urge to research in depth a week or so ago. I seem to be able to reach stage 2 with ease now, and I've little besides help things along with the index finger. Now I can just do so with the tongue alone. I don't really experience anything when I do it besides a slight stinging in the throat/nasal passage. I can't really breath through the nostrils while I do this so I am not sure how I would be able to maintain this during pranayama or meditation.
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Had a thought during tonight's sit that I keep hoping for a "save point", like in a video game, when I really reach a deep calm state :)
Was also reflecting during the post-sit rest about a bit of self-righteousness I've had since starting out on this process. A lecture by Manly P. Hall brought the thought to mind. I was listening to it today on a bike ride. He was specifically talking about the feeling of isolation, and I have definitely been guilty of steering clear of certain situations and people because they are not "ready for change" and looking to improve themselves, etc. It's a fine line between staying away from negative influences, and completely staying away from entire situations. Something I still need to work on.
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I've been having early-morning wake ups for the past week or so. They seem to coincide with this recent depression I've been dealing with for the last few weeks. Last night/morning, I woke with some very intense energy sensations throughout the body. At the time I felt as if it had something to do with meditation/kundalini but the experience wasn't very specific as far as the location of the sensations. There was a pulsation that coincided with my pulse, but could have been related to the elevated heart rate. There was some unease and slight anxiety related to it. It was a very odd feeling,tough to describe exactly.
Meditations have been going well otherwise. I seem to have finally found a comfortable position for siddhasana. My pranayama has been going more fluidly too, I've been a bit less intense on the sambhavi mudra and mula bandha. I think I was too focused on doing them tightly. I'm also allowing the spinal breathing to be a bit more relaxed too. I used to be very specific with imagining the sensation traveling the spine.
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That's good to hear Yogaman (that you're more easy with the practices), as you can imagine if you're easy with the practices this being easy with it is probably projecting onto the rest of your life too, or will be.
Love!!
[/\]
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The depression seems to have lifted a couple days ago. Been in a very positive mood despite a lingering cold or something that reared back up. I'm totally fine with that, much rather have the depression gone! I met with some friends last night. It was the first time I've had beer in a month, with only 2 pints the earlier time (and a 2-month hiatus prior to that). I really felt awful today. I woke early with an elevated heart rate and headache, and a general hangover. I'd only had 4 beers in 5 hours with plenty of water. I now recall why I took leave of beer in the first place. I didn't really miss it all that much to be honest. It has made me aware of how many of my relationships and many social gatherings focus on alcohol though. It has changed which people I spend time with lately for sure.
On the meditation front, I've upped my spinal breathing to 10 minutes from 5. I did 9 months of 5 minutes. I feel like it was a good choice, it gives me more time to get into the groove and I am starting to get a better flow and rhythm with it along with sambhavi and mula. Had some wonderful sits both times today. I felt like I had "found" the way to focus, and it was more "right here all along" than I had imagined before. Will see how things go though. Regardless, today's sits were quite good.
I was doing some reading over at http://www.swamij.com this weekend. I'd bookmarked his site to read later but had never gotten around to it. He has some nice articles on there and I feel they are a nice companion to the AYP lessons and books. Swami J has a very "scientific" approach to his writing, but in a good way. Very clear and aiming for being descriptive. Some of his stuff helped me grasp some concepts I was a bit cloudy on from other reading. IN particular I was curious about the distinctions between concentration, meditation and samadhi, which I feel I understand now (on an abstract, intellectual level at present).
Daniel Ingram's "Mastering The Core Teachings of the BUddha" led me to the differences between concentration and insight, and I liked his stages/levels approach. It just helps me get a mental "flow chart" of things. Swami J seems to like to present the information this way as well, which is most likely why it resonated with me.
I am looking forward to my sits this week, with the longer spinal breathing, the comfortable siddhasana pose established, and best of all the depression gone.
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
That's good to hear Yogaman (that you're more easy with the practices), as you can imagine if you're easy with the practices this being easy with it is probably projecting onto the rest of your life too, or will be.
Love!!
[/\]
That would be a wonderful side-effect! :)
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I know the feeling you have on beer. I also avoid drinking nowadays for that very same reason. Even two beers a night can be too much, so it's better to stick with one or no alcohol at all. And I don't even like the drunkennes anymore actually. The downside of course is, that I do like the tast of some beers quite a lot. Maybe then drink only half-pint of the favorite one and drink tea for the rest of the night or something?
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quote:
Originally posted by chinmayo
I know the feeling you have on beer. I also avoid drinking nowadays for that very same reason. Even two beers a night can be too much, so it's better to stick with one or no alcohol at all. And I don't even like the drunkennes anymore actually. The downside of course is, that I do like the tast of some beers quite a lot. Maybe then drink only half-pint of the favorite one and drink tea for the rest of the night or something?
Fortunately for me I never really cared much for the taste anyways. I'm not sure yet if it was the alcohol alone or perhaps a food sensitivity to an ingredient (I've discovered via elimination diet that I am sensitive to something related to grains/wheat/starch). My experiment without drinking for a while has taught me that I can definitely not drink and in fact I feel so much better without it. I also am seeing how I was using it for a social anxiety crutch.
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I woke early this morning with a very strange energy throughout my body. It was subtly sexual at first, but still was throughout the body. It was also a bit uncomfortable, in an anxiety/nausea way. Not overpowering but enough to just feel weird. Some pressure/energy in the head/forehead. A few spasms.
I've not been feeling well so it could be related to that. But it wasn't a typical achy flu experience. It was quite unique and weird. Not sure if related to the meditation or not. I still have some leftover feelings of it now, but not as encompassing as when it jolted me awake in the early morning hours. I keep thinking of my extended spinal breathing time, and reports of initial kundalini experiences. I can say that it was in no way blissful or pleasant.
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I was experimenting with mula bandha while driving this afternoon and I feel as if I finally found the right spot. I'm sure practice and conditioning the muscles in the area takes some time. The odd thing is that I feel as if I found this spot before, but lost it. Once employed, it can remain active with little effort or thought. This leads me to believe I've conditioned myself properly.
I've also been able to reach some quite profound levels of body stillness this past week or so during my meditations. Really good sits lately.
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Still having some deep stillness during my sits. I've had some odd anxious feelings in the gut as of late for no reason. Also coolness to the skin and hands/feet. Could just be this cold weather!
This afternoon, I had the sensation of a large bug flying/buzzing near my ear. It freaked me out. There was nothing there. Was like a big moth or small bird fluttered its wings right by my head and flew off. Very brief, very distinct.
Automatic yoga has settled down a bit during my meditations. I have been noticing "energy" that leans towards the pain side of things. Nothing serious, but it's not a pleasurable energy like the searching energy related to the automatic yoga. I find myself sinking deeply into the stillness quite readily when I start my meditations. As if the body is eager to begin.
The cool sensations I mentioned earlier are also noticeable when not meditating, and often it is experienced in the nostrils while breathing. My sensation of the incoming air is quite pronounced. Even just paying a bit of attention to the breath during the day will put me into a slight reverie.
With the deep stillness during sits, I feel as if I've reached a new stage with the practice. Keeping the mind still is much easier when I reach this body stillness, and that is becoming more and more natural to sink into.
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I feel as if I've lost some momentum in my sits after a trip out of town last week to visit family. I'm slowly getting back into the groove though. It's tough meditating while traveling, at least for me.
I've been reading quite a bit of esoteric kundalini-based articles as of late, and some related videos online. The most interesting thing I've come across is the Toaist "inner landscape" and "inner alchemy". Basically the Chinese versions of chakras, kundalini and such. I stumbled across that after looking for further info on manly P. Hall's "Occult Anatomy", which is an imaginative way to look at things.
Meditation experiences haven't changed much since the last description. Automatic yoga and the "searching energy" has toned down somewhat as of the most recent sits.
Definitely feel like I am going through a "nothing is happening" stage. It's funny how on one hand we are told "it's subtle, and you'll see small changes in your everyday life", but then you read the AYP books and forums and people are talking about ecstatic conductivity, kundalini firehoses, unending deep stillness and bliss. Can seem a bit contradictory.
I'm sticking with things as I enjoy the sits and the habit. But I will admit that I do have a desire for more validation that I am headed in the right direction.
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Hello, good to hear from you also!
For me, the automatic yoga and other kundalini "symptoms" have disappeared also, but I think that the sitting itself is becoming more and more enjoyable still. It's actually easier to sit when you are not constantly having something going on distracting from the actual practise :-)
Are you doing any physical yoga before the sitting? I found, that by doing some asanas before the sit actually help. Moreover, some asanas, when done correctly, increase the strenght of the spine making the seated meditation less of a burden and for me, it has helped to rid the back pain I used to get while sitting.
Blessed love!
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quote:
Originally posted by chinmayo
Hello, good to hear from you also!
For me, the automatic yoga and other kundalini "symptoms" have disappeared also, but I think that the sitting itself is becoming more and more enjoyable still. It's actually easier to sit when you are not constantly having something going on distracting from the actual practise :-)
Are you doing any physical yoga before the sitting? I found, that by doing some asanas before the sit actually help. Moreover, some asanas, when done correctly, increase the strenght of the spine making the seated meditation less of a burden and for me, it has helped to rid the back pain I used to get while sitting.
Blessed love!
Thank you for the comments! I have been doing the AYP "asana starter kit" before sits, probably about a month now. I also do mula banda during spinal breathing, as well as the breath constriction on exhale (I forget the name). I've put sambhavi mudra on hold while I make mula bandha more natural and effortless. I had been doing that for a small while.
But I agree, the automatic yoga was exciting at first, but quickly became a distraction. I take the reduction in its effects as a good sign, but it also was a nice external validation for a skeptical mind :)
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
Definitely feel like I am going through a "nothing is happening" stage. It's funny how on one hand we are told "it's subtle, and you'll see small changes in your everyday life", but then you read the AYP books and forums and people are talking about ecstatic conductivity, kundalini firehoses, unending deep stillness and bliss. Can seem a bit contradictory.
I'm sticking with things as I enjoy the sits and the habit. But I will admit that I do have a desire for more validation that I am headed in the right direction.
Hi Yogaman,
Thank you for sharing.[/\]
Thought I'd share that this is my general experience as well - long periods of nothing happening. At least nothing to write home about. In fact, for nearly 2 years after starting AYP, I avoided these forums altogether, because absolutely nothing that people described here was happening to me - no fireworks, no great Kundalini stuff.. And reading about others' experiences made me feel inadequate. But my relative undersensitivity has allowed me to go over the top with bhakti and practices without any problems - I can and frequently do heavily intensify practices during such quiet times (disclaimer - not recommended). Despite "nothing happening", the unfolding goes on. Occasionally, there is a spark of this or that, but really, it is all about how daily life is transformed.
Also, this unfolding can (and for many of us, will) go on for many more lifetimes.. And, I'm actually totally OK with it, which by itself is a sign that things are "happening".[:D]
Love and peace.[3]
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Interesting you say that kami, about being OK with unfolding in more future lives [:)] Because this is my experience too, when first beginning to be interested in spiritual stuff and a couple of years after that all I wanted was to stop the cycle of incarnations and get off this painful earth [:D] But now after a few years of AYP I am really absolutely OK and fine with incarnating how many more lives are needed to unfold [:)] Because I know it's all for the best and the good of me and all. Pure grace unfolding. Pure Love expressing. [:)] And I know I am not in any danger. Becuase my faith became so much stronger in the universal unfolding of things and the knowledge that it is all for Love [:)] How blissful is that?? (makes my cry!).
Much Love Yogaman and I agree with kami, sometimes there is an explosion of insight or energy, openings, but , at least for me, a lot of the time is just gradual and consistent unfolding which can be hard to see in one point in time, but after time has passed you see how much you've grown.
[3]
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Kami and Yonatan: thanks for the thoughts :) I'm not much of a believer in future incarnations at the moment, I'm attracted to this system for the claims of direct experience.
I did have a nice sit tonight. Seemed to be able to reach some deep stillness once again. Had some pulsation in the perineum during spinal breathing while doing mula bandha.
I read up on the jhanas and access concentration tonight. I believe I've started to experience brief periods of access concentration since about a month ago. I notice a definite change in character in the experience, and it seems to match the descriptions I've read online. It's definitely a peaceful zone to be in.
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Some nice sits the past days. I've noticed a change in my spinal breathing, the "energy" is more mobile now, having some effects similar to the automatic yoga I experience (head and neck movements). I've also been working on my sitting posture. I feel as if I may not be offering my back the ideal situation, and if I were to have a more ideal posture I'd be able to slip into stillness much more deeply. As is, I find myself constantly micro-managing my posture. I can feel the body and the mind wanting to go to complete stillness, but the posture seems to be limiting that.
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Yogaman, I am right there with you about posture struggles [:)] i have been integrating sidhasana and finding it quite uncomfortable with the foot under me growing numb on several occasions....quite distracting! To alleviate that, i just went back to my usual cross legged sits. Interesting to read about head jerking movements. I just attributed it to dozing-off- into -yonder -sleep, haha. Seriously, i have had my head jerk to one side, and forward on several occasions and thought i was probably falling asleep...this is automatic yoga? My right hand jerks sideways once in a while too. Tingling all through my skull and minor muscle contractions in my arms. Nothing is uncomfortable so i just keep going with mantra and breath. It stops when i end meditation and never persist for more than just a few minutes. Sometimes my sits are deep, and sometimes pretty shallow. My morning sits seem to be shallower than the afternoon ones. Also, i have read that facing north or east is beneficial to one's practice. Is that accurate?
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quote:
Originally posted by KellyN
Yogaman, I am right there with you about posture struggles [:)] i have been integrating sidhasana and finding it quite uncomfortable with the foot under me growing numb on several occasions....quite distracting! To alleviate that, i just went back to my usual cross legged sits. Interesting to read about head jerking movements. I just attributed it to dozing-off- into -yonder -sleep, haha. Seriously, i have had my head jerk to one side, and forward on several occasions and thought i was probably falling asleep...this is automatic yoga? My right hand jerks sideways once in a while too. Tingling all through my skull and minor muscle contractions in my arms. Nothing is uncomfortable so i just keep going with mantra and breath. It stops when i end meditation and never persist for more than just a few minutes. Sometimes my sits are deep, and sometimes pretty shallow. My morning sits seem to be shallower than the afternoon ones. Also, i have read that facing north or east is beneficial to one's practice. Is that accurate?
Initially I had the same issues with siddhasana. You'll find you don't need to actually sit on top of the heel, and if sitting more upright with the hips properly rotated, you'll apply enough pressure. Also, you may try switching legs - my generic cross-legged pose was left on bottom, but right on bottom works better for siddhasana for me. The heel will find the pocket in-between the two sit bones.
For me, automatic yoga isn't a jerking movement, more of this serpentine "gel" of fluid energy that feels like it is exploring inside my body. Initially it was a very strong pulling backwards of the head. It never jerked me, but it think I've read accounts of it being like that.
I have a tough time determining which tingles and pulses of "energy" are just areas not getting enough blood due to poor posture, and more awareness of the pulse/circulation of the blood. The "searching energy" however is very distinct and unique. It took me a few months before much of these experiences started, and my practice was established and regular.
I am just in the past month reaching some deep stillness in the body, which seems to lead the mind there. Morning sits are less deep for me usually too, but not always. Sits come and go in level of stillness in cycles, and from what I've read, this never ends — even long-time meditators have good days and bad days.
As far as the minor twitches, those could be normal? I'm not experienced enough to say. It could also be that you are becoming more aware of these small movements. One thing I am noticing the more I am able to still the body is that we are constantly making dozens of micro-movements every second to maintain balance and position. Once you find that sweet spot, it becomes very obvious. It's like finding the balance when riding a bike with no hands, you just feel it when it's on, and sometimes it wavers — especially if the mind wanders (on the bike and on the cushion!).
I have no idea about the compass thing, sounds a bit fishy to me :)
One thing I do know is that all sits are good sits, because one made the time to sit.
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Been having some superb sits the past few days. The cycling energy within has really become pronounced and more specific. It even has it's own quirks about the path it takes, very interesting. I'm noticing this energy flow throughout the day as well.
I can sink into a quite still mind and body quite quickly now once I settle in to do spinal breathing and meditation. I do wonder if this cycling energy is just scenery/distraction. But it keeps my mind focused, my body still, and I become very non-self-aware about the body, which at least for me is a sign I've reached a level of deep stillness. I find it very easy to focuse on the breath (I do not do mantra as I came to AYP from a breath focus approach). The energy also makes spinal breathing much more direct, it's less about imagining the energy, I can really feel it.
At times I still wonder if this is all in the imagination, but these direct experiences are very powerful, as well as pleasant and enjoyable. I look forward to my sits even more now.
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So I've had some quite profound shifts in my meditation experiences over the past few days. What used to the the "searching energy" behind what I referred to as "automatic yoga" experiences has now seemed to have developed into this dynamic, fluid inner energy. It's got a life of its own, but it's under conscious control as well. A very loose analogy would be a gyroscope, where the easiest path is to work with the energy.
It definitely favors ascending the spine, but likes to cycle in the head as well. There is no longer any need to imagine the spinal nerve, as this energy seems to favor the exact path. There's even this weird quirk in the path as the energy travels down the from of the body that causes a back and forward movement of the head to ease the energy downwards. It's all very distinct and specific.
It isn't limited to spinal breathing or meditation either, it's eager to roam the inner pathways all day. Just a small bit of awareness towards it is enough. At times it can be quite strong and it's all pleasurable. Like the perfect combo of a massage and the cascading layers of water during a hot shower.
The first few days were the most intense, it seems to have stablised a bit today. I'm assuming this is related to the "ecstatic conductivity" referred to in the AYP lessons, and to kundalini. I've not read up much on anything since the effects began so as not to taint them with any more preconceived notions than I already have.
It was very rewarding to have such a noticeable change in my sits, but I can already see how these effects could be very distracting and how one could get caught up in them for a while. I also found myself a bit dejected when I noticed the reduced intensity of the effects in today's sits.
I've had some great sits since this started, spinal breathing is easily done, and sinking into stillness is quite natural as well during meditation.
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The energy experiences continue, but the intensity has toned down somewhat. I find myself experiencing the spinal energy with any focus of awareness on that area throughout the day. Sometimes cyclical,ump the back and down the front, other times repeated cascades up the back. Sometimes it rolls around and cycles within the head.
Meditations continue to be quite deep and still in both body and mind. The spinal energy flow continues usually. It's become a bit more integrated and less distracting. While overall it remains pleasurable, at times the energy can be a bit much. It definitely feels like I've reached a new stage of the process, and it has renewed my dedication to twice-daily practice.
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The energy experiences have quieted down even more. I actually notice the movement more during non-meditation daily situations than during. When driving especially. My sits have been quite still physically, but much mind-wandering has been going on.
Sambhavi mudra has been improving a bit, becoming more natural. The reduction in intensity of the energy during spinal breathing has made me need to go back to giving more focus to visualizing the path, which adds to the complexity of maintaining mula bandha, sambhavi mudra, diaphragmatic breathing, and tracing the spinal nerve all simultaneously. It can be quite a balancing act.
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Yogaman,
Those are some great experiences but I have two questions for you. Have you thought about adding Samyama and more importantly have you noticed positive changes in your daily life since starting this journey?
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quote:
Originally posted by jonesboy
Yogaman,
Those are some great experiences but I have two questions for you. Have you thought about adding Samyama and more importantly have you noticed positive changes in your daily life since starting this journey?
Samyama I am waiting to add until I have the current practices down. And I think I may extend my asana routine to the full set as my next extension. But I'm open to suggestions. From my understanding Samyama was a practice that involved the three "final" rungs of yoga, some of which I've definitely not reached. Maybe I need to read over the technique again.
Indeed I have seen an overall improvement in my daily life in the past year. The tricky thing is that I've made quite a bit of changes over the past year simultaneously to starting up AYP. Healthier eating, regular exercise, focusing on more ideal relationships, etc. Meditation however has been the one thing I've been most consistent with.
Regardless, I can say that my outlook on life, and my behavior within it has definitely improved. In a way, my life has become a parallel of the still meditative mind: I'm much less attached to results, able to watch/witness the passing of situations and myself acting within them, and in general leaning towards a quieter and deeper approach to friends, family, relationships and socializing.
Sometimes I wonder if any one of these activities is the cause at all, if perhaps instead it's the overall striving to put these healthy practices into effect. My decision, drive and daily effort to do these practices may be the linchpin that instigates the change.
I do enjoy meditation quite a bit, and plan on continuing the practice, but to be honest I can't really pinpoint it as the direct cause of any perceived changes. And sometimes too I feel as if I am just barricading the old lazy, unhealthy me as opposed to enacting true change. I wonder how much of the perceived change is placebo/wishful thinking.
Regardless, I can say this: my life is indeed different than it was before I started. I've gotten a fresh perspective on my life and how I live within it. That in itself has been quite illuminating in many ways.
Thanks for the questions, you unlocked some personal reflection that was missing from this journal.
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Thank you Yogaman for your very honest and open response.
I only mention Samyama is because it sounds like you do have some inner silence going on. That is all that is required. I will admit it took me awhile to include it in my routine. It took a long time before I could handle it. It is wise to get things stable before adding something new so please don't feel like I am pushing you.
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quote:
Originally posted by jonesboy
Thank you Yogaman for your very honest and open response.
I only mention Samyama is because it sounds like you do have some inner silence going on. That is all that is required. I will admit it took me awhile to include it in my routine. It took a long time before I could handle it. It is wise to get things stable before adding something new so please don't feel like I am pushing you.
The only reason I've not looked into adding it is because I feel like I still need to nail down some of the basics. And expand some as well. The inner silence is intermittent. In fact, as the inner energy have gown more faint, so has experiences of inner silence.
But no, I didn't feel pushed at all. I welcome the advice and suggestion. I'm quite new to all of this and still feel as if I'm fumbling in the dark most of the time :) I'm hoping that by sharing the ongoing process, I may be able to get some pointers along the way and also help others like me who could use the same advice.
I met with a friend who's moved out of town, but visiting family for the holidays. She too was in a similar boat as I, having practiced meditation for some time but never really experiencing any of the "fireworks" that other people seem to have so easily when you're reading up on things online. I'm hoping because of my more flexible and open schedule that I can be a vanguard of sorts for her and other friends in the same mindset. Of course, I still have personal motivations for doing all of this as well.
One thing I've got nailed down at this point is the bhakti. I'm pretty focused on practicing and learning about yoga right now. I've even had to tone it down a bit as I noticed it was taking time away from my business and from other areas of my life. I just tend to go really deep on things once I get into them.
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Hello Yogaman!
Yes, I think it's good to self-pace and not to advance too soon. I, for one, have found out that I have been advancing too much too soon, so I have backed off a bit. I dropped SPB and samyama for the time being, as I didn't think I got them right just yet and began to feel anxiety about it. Now, I had my first full sitting since that and I found the inner silence again that I felt I had "lost" for a while.
I still do the chigong + asanas, padmasana and DM with the mantra enhancement. No fireworks here, although I do feel some increasing lucid activity in the sleep which is sometimes a bit scary as I don't understand it.
Heheh, also guilty of going too deep into stuff sometimes. For the past six months I have been dedicating most of my stuff to spiritual practise and study, while dedicating almost no time at all to other things. But I guess I have come to a point now where I realize that it's not all there is and hopefully I'm now more able to put the stuff I have learnt so far into practise in real life. I guess there are some asperger qualitities and tendencies in me.
Blessed love!
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@chinmayo I too have spent the bulk of this past year, which was my "get serious" year for meditation (among other things). I've been so interested in this topic and practice for many years that I really immersed myself in all of it once I made the decision to make a real effort. But like you, I've let other areas of my life atrophy a bit. Looking to regain a balance.
I will however say that it's been quite liberating and enjoyable to just "be me" this past year, and dive deep into the things I like to dive deep into. I've spent a good portion of my past decade in self-doubt, looking externally for direction and validation for my interests, choices, decisions and activities. I lived with a lot of "should" thoughts in my mind, and not much acceptance of myself as I am.
As I've confusingly worded it as of late: I've been stopping doing that which is not me.
I've also found that the pairing of Stoic philosophy with my new direction has been quite an interesting addition to the daily experiences outside of meditation. Feels like a natural companion. It helps remind me to temper my interests and keep things in balance.
I too tend to exhibit some Asperger traits at times. It was important for me to be quite disciplined at the outset and I may have been a bit over zealous.
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I can't tell if the energy experiences have lessened or if I've just become a bit more acclimated to them. Some days however they are quite pronounced, like yesterday. The more I observe these energy sensations, the more they seem to be the "negative space" of the automatic yoga movements. In other words, from one perspective I sense my muscles moving my limbs, from another I feel an "energy" moving within me that results in different postures and movements to enhance and encourage the energy flow. Like two sides of one coin.
Lately I've been watching this video lecture series: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Eid6fiAj8WY
While I'm not saying I believe any/all of it, he brings up some interesting concepts on the biological aspect of these techniques and experiences. Some of the things he discusses in regards to the hemispheres of the brain and the amygdala echo my own experiences. Particularly the enhanced sense of smell (which I've been having lately, but could be my continued lack of smoking — 2 years!). But I've also noticed the enhanced vision at times as well. But most particular as of late has been the lessening of not only inner chatter, but external chatter. I find myself less drawn to social media, less attached to the inner dialogue. I notice it, it's not all that much lessened, but I'm identifying with it less and less. And therefore less prone to spread the ideas around. I've been focusing more on doing than "talking about". I've been wondering if this had to do with meditation, and as a result with different areas of the brain being focused on.
I've also started reading the book "The Willpower Instinct", which is quite interesting and discusses the benefits of meditation throughout the book. She specifically points out he power of "coming back to the breath" being key, and a point of confusion for most new meditators believing they have to empty the mind. Reminded me of Yogani's persistent reminders to "gently return to the breath" throughout AYP lessons.
On a side note, a superb book on introverts that I just finished was "Quiet" by Susan Cain. Interesting for extroverts too, but fellow introverts will love the book. You may be an introvert and not know it, I only recently learned the true distinction and it cleared up quite a bit about myself that has been in my hang-up collection throughout my life.
The easiest test for introvert personality is if you need to "recharge your batteries" alone or with others. Introverts are not necessarily anti-social, shy, withdrawn, quiet, or have social anxiety. It's more about being overwhelmed with stimulation (environmental, social), and therefore limiting your exposure to it. It helped me understand myself so much, I thought I'd share in detail here.
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Been having quite profound sits this week. The inner energy has returned in an active way, and a more focused way. My spinal breathing seems to have taken on more focused and directed nature as well. Mula bandha is becoming nearly transparent. Body stillness on meditation is quite instantaneous when I settle in. Blissful, pleasurable energy and sensations.
I've noticed that a sound in my right ear has intensified. I've got tinnitus already. Last year I got what I referred to as a distant machinery hum in the right ear. Lately it sounds louder/"closer". As of a few days ago I now have a specific ringing in my ear that happens in sympathetic vibration. When I talk it vibrates the tone. Not sure if any of this is related to meditation of not. But I've read of sounds in the ear from meditation practice. Just not sure if this is what is meant.
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Another week of profoundly still and energetic sits. Tonight I had a spontaneous kechari stage 1 experience. In hindsight it's been leading up to it, but since the way it works was not what I had in mind, I wasn't looking to what I'd been noticing as kechari. Also a confirmation that it was a natural occurrence of something "hard wired". Interesting how the biology relaxes to allow it all to take place.
Yesterday I had a first slight experience of the witness. I was a bit stressed out from some work deadlines, and found myself getting clumsy and losing my temper, even to the point of just yelling out loud at nobody. I realized however I was observing myself do this, and was not "attached" or "invested" in the emotions. It was subtle and definitely weird and cool.
I've also noticed myself laughing a lot more out loud at sometimes nothing at all. In fact, just typing that made me do it again!
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Forgot to mention in that last entry that I've bumped up the asana routine to the full "starter kit". I had been doing the abbreviated starter kit for a few months prior. Been having slight stirrings of kechari the past few days. I'm not really coaxing it along unless it really starts to go that direction.
Sambhavi mudra tonight felt like it was starting to come into its own. Felt a lot more natural. Mula bandha has pretty much gone on autopilot for a while now.
Current routine is:
Asana starter kit
10 mins spinal breathing
- mula bandha
- sambhavi mudra
- siddhasana
- ujjayi
20 mins deep meditation
5 mins rest
I feel like the routine is starting to really become natural. Bhakti is super strong as of late, but I can get a bit obsessive about things I'm interested in! Been doing a lot of AYP audiobook re-listening on my hikes/walks.
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hello Yogaman [:)]
may i suggest increasing your rest for 10 min instead of 5
all the best
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quote:
Originally posted by maheswari
hello Yogaman [:)]
may i suggest increasing your rest for 10 min instead of 5
all the best
Any particular reason?
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I had another experience of The Witness today while hiking at the local park. Crossing paths with a park regular walking his dog, I asked if she was friendly. He replied "sometimes". Reaching out to pet the dog, it was obvious today was not one of the friendly days. She was quite aggressive actually. But I noticed just after that my body never went into any sort of anxiety or panic about the situation, as I'd expect a sudden jolt like that to cause. It was as if I were in a memory or watching detachedly.
It was all very subtle and dream-like. Maybe not even something I'd have noticed if it weren't for my meditation practices. Maybe something that wouldn't have happened like that without them. I've been in a small reverie ever since.
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Been noticing some irritability and a shorter fuse this week. Wondering if it has anything to do with the expanded asana routine. I went for a hike yesterday and a friend came along. While I'm glad to spend time with my friend, the introvert in me has grown quite find of my solo hikes and walks.
Speaking of introverts, can't recall if I've mentioned this before but I recently read the book Quiet, and it was superb. Introverts will get the most out of it, but anyone with an introvert in their life (spouse, friend, child) should read it. I had a misunderstanding of what it meant to be an introvert until very recently. Common misconceptions are that introverts are anti-social, socially awkward, withdrawn, and similar traits as these. Rather, introverts tend to just be hyper-sensitive to their surroundings and need more alone time. We tend to have rich inner worlds of thought, needing much less from the external world. If you are or suspect you might be an introvert, you should read this book.
I also really enjoyed The Willpower Effect. Lots of great information on how the biology of willpower works, so you can effectively work with it to create new habits and drop old unhealthy ones.
On the meditation front, the spontaneous kechari mudra seems to have gone away, some slight inklings at times but as I said I do not encourage it. I'm just starting to get a good groove with sambhavi mudra and I am focusing on stabilizing that for the present.
I had some discussions with an app developer I've become friends with via email about collaborating on a meditation/yoga app, ideally focused on AYP practices. The idea would be to develop an app that works for any potential system of meditation or yoga, but has some additional features particular to AYP such as suggested routines and practices, as well as the order of learning, self-pacing and such. I need to set up a poll here to get some feedback.
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Not much to report since last time. My irritability has calmed down, I did slip into a bit of a funk last weekend and was a bit sick but both seem to be clearing up. I wasn't as vigilant about my walks last week as I have been. I think I may have been a bit burned out with some added artwork goals I've added to my quickly filling up schedule.
Meditations have been quite good lately. Been a bit more relaxed and less striving. I've noticed sambhavi mudra has been more natural and requiring less effort. Also more pronounced sensation-wise each day. The kechari mudra has not been appearing automatically any more.
Asana starter kit is going good. I think I finally have the routine established in memory.
The "inner energy" flow becomes more pronounced and natural every day. Outside of sits. It's happening now as I type this in bed as usual. I find myself engaging mula bandha without thinking, and the "inner circuit" can be distinctly felt from the root up to the head behind the nasal cavity, a bit near the brow at times.
One other recent change I've noticed is a eyes-closed constellation of small dark spots with pale yellow halos. More pronounced during the post-asana corpse pose rest. Sometimes I see them during spinal breathing. Usually one "main" one. Can't tell if just eye floaters as they behave similarly (darting away when looking directly at them).
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Sits this past week have been quite intense. The inner energy continues to be more pronounced and more tightly focused. Sambhavi mudra is very close to being second nature, especially after today's and yesterday's sits. All this despite having a cold since Saturday as well. Meditations have reached some profoundly deep and still extended moments. These sits and indications of progress are welcome, a nice refresher of enthusiasm for this path.
I've also noticed over the past few days an intensified awareness of sense perceptions, particularly taste and smell. Vision too at times. My mood has improved since last post, and my general well-being seems to be on an ongoing, if gradual, upwards curve. I am definitely grounded from a different source than before, if I was ever grounded to begin with! :) Not sure how to explain it, but I feel like I am less distracted by external nonsense, particularly the things I have no control over. And I'm starting to become more aware of how little I do have any control over. Most of it boils down to the Stoic approach of having control over the thoughts I have about, and the reactions to, that which goes on around me. Much less of any anxieties to "be something else", much more comfortable to "be how I already am".
It's like I am slowly learning to accept who I really am, and I've been fighting against it my entire life up until this point.
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I've had a lingering cold the past 2 weeks. Interestingly, meditation sits the first week of the illness were quite good. Lately however they've been erratic, leaning towards the distracted side. I've switched back to the abbreviated asana set until if eel better.
I feel as if I am at a bit of a plateau. Not really getting much feedback from my sits — either in the sits themselves or daily life in between.
Often I feel as if others here have much more pronounced experiences than I do. While some physical milestones have been reached, the daily life effects are extremely subtle if they exist. Reading Yonatan's new journal, he speaks of needing to cut back on practices due to overload. I'm in no danger of that happening at all.
While I've maintained my twice-daily schedule, I've lost a bit of enthusiasm in the process. This has happened before. I try to look at it like exercise, where often you are not going to see big gains and they are not an ongoing experience when they do happen. There are plateaus in between the big gains. The big difference here is the subjective nature of the effects of meditation.
It can be frustrating at times to hop on the AYP forums and read of others who seem to be experiencing regularly reinforcing things as a direct result of their practice. I wish my experience were closer to that. At times I feel as if I am operating on blind faith here, something in contrast to the claims of direct experience which attracted me to yoga initially.
Still, I am dedicated to the sits. I still enjoy the structure it gives to my day and the quieting down of the mind for at least the time during the sit.
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No worries my friend. I think it is something we all deal with. Nothing special going on for me at the moment. Unless you count the fact that first I am noticing my body falling asleep and then I am falling asleep during practice. [:D]
Just like you. I am sure something good is just around the corner. It always is [/\]
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quote:
Originally posted by jonesboy
No worries my friend. I think it is something we all deal with. Nothing special going on for me at the moment. Unless you count the fact that first I am noticing my body falling asleep and then I am falling asleep during practice. [:D]
Just like you. I am sure something good is just around the corner. It always is [/\]
Thank you. I recall back when I was learning guitar I had given up out of frustration after months of practice with no progress. A few months later I picked up the guitar determined to learn, and boom, all my practice has sank in. I could play! And to think I could have walked away forever. I always keep that experience in mind when learning something new.
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I stumbled across some very interesting videos by Gary Weber last night. His website is here: http://happiness-beyond-thought.com/ and this lecture he gave at a Buddhist Geeks conference was really interesting and inspiring: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EK8pcUt4gio&sns=em
I watched a few of his "conversation" videos on his YouTube channel too, they were good as well. Something about how these guys expressed themselves was very genuine and inspiring to me.
Weber offers a free Scribd version of his book on his site, which I've started reading as well. It's quite good so far.
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Thank you for the link. I read his book and really like it.
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quote:
Originally posted by jonesboy
Thank you for the link. I read his book and really like it.
Glad you enjoyed, and good to hear on the book. I am reading it now and enjoying it so far.
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
I feel as if I am at a bit of a plateau. Not really getting much feedback from my sits — either in the sits themselves or daily life in between.
Often I feel as if others here have much more pronounced experiences than I do. While some physical milestones have been reached, the daily life effects are extremely subtle if they exist. Reading Yonatan's new journal, he speaks of needing to cut back on practices due to overload. I'm in no danger of that happening at all.
While I've maintained my twice-daily schedule, I've lost a bit of enthusiasm in the process. This has happened before. I try to look at it like exercise, where often you are not going to see big gains and they are not an ongoing experience when they do happen. There are plateaus in between the big gains. The big difference here is the subjective nature of the effects of meditation.
It can be frustrating at times to hop on the AYP forums and read of others who seem to be experiencing regularly reinforcing things as a direct result of their practice. I wish my experience were closer to that. At times I feel as if I am operating on blind faith here, something in contrast to the claims of direct experience which attracted me to yoga initially.
Still, I am dedicated to the sits. I still enjoy the structure it gives to my day and the quieting down of the mind for at least the time during the sit.
Yogaman, that is really normal and nothing to worry about. I think your view is balanced [:)]
There were periods for me (sometimes long) that I also got discouraged and annoyed that "nothing is happening" even though I meditate regularly. But as Shanti likes to say, we do it like brushing our teeth! It's just something we know we have to do. So we do it and then let go (when we brush our teeth, most of us never keep thinking afterwards about the effects and outcomes of it). I know it is hard, because we come with big expectations, and I am still sometimes annoyed when nothing seems to happen!! lol But it gets much much easier and with time you just learn to live life as you let go in each moment.
I am inspired by your dedication. I am sure you'll see results if you continue with it. The guitar experience you had can teach a lot!
[:)][3]
Namaste
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
I feel as if I am at a bit of a plateau. Not really getting much feedback from my sits — either in the sits themselves or daily life in between.
Often I feel as if others here have much more pronounced experiences than I do. While some physical milestones have been reached, the daily life effects are extremely subtle if they exist. Reading Yonatan's new journal, he speaks of needing to cut back on practices due to overload. I'm in no danger of that happening at all.
While I've maintained my twice-daily schedule, I've lost a bit of enthusiasm in the process. This has happened before. I try to look at it like exercise, where often you are not going to see big gains and they are not an ongoing experience when they do happen. There are plateaus in between the big gains. The big difference here is the subjective nature of the effects of meditation.
It can be frustrating at times to hop on the AYP forums and read of others who seem to be experiencing regularly reinforcing things as a direct result of their practice. I wish my experience were closer to that. At times I feel as if I am operating on blind faith here, something in contrast to the claims of direct experience which attracted me to yoga initially.
Still, I am dedicated to the sits. I still enjoy the structure it gives to my day and the quieting down of the mind for at least the time during the sit.
Yogaman, that is really normal and nothing to worry about. I think your view is balanced [:)]
There were periods for me (sometimes long) that I also got discouraged and annoyed that "nothing is happening" even though I meditate regularly. But as Shanti likes to say, we do it like brushing our teeth! It's just something we know we have to do. So we do it and then let go (when we brush our teeth, most of us never keep thinking afterwards about the effects and outcomes of it). I know it is hard, because we come with big expectations, and I am still sometimes annoyed when nothing seems to happen!! lol But it gets much much easier and with time you just learn to live life as you let go in each moment.
I am inspired by your dedication. I am sure you'll see results if you continue with it. The guitar experience you had can teach a lot!
[:)][3]
Namaste
Thank you for this Yonatan. My sits were a bit better this week, I let go a bit in my expectations. Aimed to focus on the practice rather than what results I would get from it.
I guess being an over-analytical type, it's tough for me to have to have "faith" or "belief" in the validity of all this effort. With guitar and bicycles, you can tell exactly where you stand and the fruits of the practice are quite tangible.
With meditation and yoga, it's pretty much all based on hearsay. Granted, there is a lot of the hearsay and it's been going on for a long, long time!
I like to imagine that these times are like the Zen master (your ego) refusing you entry to the Temple (Samadhi?). One must sleep and meditate on the doorstep of the temple to demonstrate the dedication.
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Nice to see you have not disappeared!
I came here couple of times to read your journal just to see you hadn't written anything! Well, I have been rather erratic with my practise this year also, but seems like I'm getting back on track again finally. I think I'll start my own journal also so I don't have to spam others' journals with my rambling.
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quote:
Originally posted by chinmayo
Nice to see you have not disappeared!
I came here couple of times to read your journal just to see you hadn't written anything! Well, I have been rather erratic with my practise this year also, but seems like I'm getting back on track again finally. I think I'll start my own journal also so I don't have to spam others' journals with my rambling.
My practice has been quite consistent, but my journal entries here are sporadic. I tend to only post when something of potential interest arises. Sometimes it's enthusiastic, sometimes pessimistic.
My thinking is that someone like me might find this journal and the process might help them maintain their practice or get one started. Just about every local friend I know who has started meditation practices has given up out of "not much happening" after a few months. I'm sure there are many more out there. I'm one of them, but I am determined to see this through and share my journey.
Perhaps I should consider more regular updates here, like weekly recaps. I know from doing daily and weekly recaps in my personal journal, there is quite a bit that can be overlooked if one doesn't record it.
Looking forward to reading your journal, thanks for the thoughts.
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So my sits have shifted again to quite deep and "energetically still". I've recently started back up the asana starter kit, which I'd put on hold while I wasn't feeling well. I'm still not feeling well, but it seems it's either allergies or sinusitis, and I'm on the cusp of the diving line in time right now.
I've noticed the inner energy activating when it's my usual time for a sit. Almost like a dog who knows when it's time to go for it's daily walks! The "Spinal Breathing Unit" (spinal breathing, mulabandha, sambhavi mudra, ujjayi) have become more refined and "efficient". It's taking on a new character and feel, as is the deepness, stillness and focus of meditation. I am noticing a bit more flexibility overall in the asanas as well.
I recently finished reading "Yoga Anatomy" which was quite interesting I skimmed over many of the poses, but the main introductory info was very interesting. I also finished up the Gary Weber book as well. That was a good, short read. I like Gary's "engineer brain" approach, it really resonates with me.
Things are progressing nicely with the meditation app development. Waiting for a rough prototype from the programmer any day now. Things are progressing quicker than expected.
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Sits continue to be quite profound in regards to the "energetic stillness". The "spinal breathing unit" is becoming more refined and focused. I'm not putting as much conscious effort into it all, and I feel it more powerfully. A recent sit this past week I found myself letting go and sinking into siddhasana and really finding The Zone.
All of this has been repeatable, if at varying levels of intensity/success. But they are not one-off experiences as some of my more profound sits in the past have been. I do have to note that these deeper sits coincided with adding the full asana starter kit back into the routine.
My brother expressed interest in "yoga" the other day. While he was mainly referring to fitness/asana yoga, he and I are like-minded and he was open to perhaps meditation. I have him a quick overview of things from the AYP perspective, and also some fitness yoga resources I used in the past. As Yogani says, all of the 8 paths lead to the same place.
I've noticed in my sits as of late that my monkey-mind thoughts seem to be regressing to older memories and get "snagged" on certain hang-ups from my past. While I do not dwell on them during sits, they seem to linger in daily life afterwards. Perhaps someone out there can say if this is what is referred to as part of the "purification" process?
Speaking of, I've been re-listening to the AYP audiobooks and the terms "purification" and "opening" aren't very well defined. Intuitively I think I get it, but I still have the questions "what is purified from my nervous system?" And "opening up of what, to what?" I realize that in time, all may be revealed, but for the explanatory and introductory aspects of the books, it's a bit vague for the uninitiated.
Like the Gary Weber link I posted earlier, I'm definitely a scientific mystic :)
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Aiming for a weekly recap on this journal every Sunday.
This past week has been quite great for meditation sits. Since adding back in the asanas, I've noticed some profoundly deep sits. the "inner energy" gets in motion prior to getting started and has been activating earlier and earlier on in the asana routine. Since the start of my asana routine, the Kneeling Seat pose has always generated some sort of physical energy response. I can't really explain it, but it really seems to activate something in the nervous system. Some sort of pleasant, diffuse, all-over body "buzz" with some spinal energy sensations and sensations at the sambhavi mudra spot.
Lately I've been noticing this pulsing hum/tone when in Kneeling Seat. I can't seem to determine if it's related to the meditation/asana or if I am just becoming very quiet and hearing the furnace while it is in the "on hold" state :)
Spinal breathing has been quite focused, strong and I have at the same time been able to relax into it more, and make less effort while maintaining a stronger engagement and cohesive "unit" of sambhavi mudra and mula bandha. It has all become quite pronounced as of late.
Meditations too have been quite still, focused and in a "dynamic stillness" state. Mind-wandering varies from sit to sit, but overall it has been quite minor. The sits seem very long (in a good way), even at 20 minutes. I've been relaxing my body into the siddhasana pose, which helps quite a bit. It has been like that for asanas as well, relaxing deeper into the pose and using more of the natural balance of the body rather than active muscle engagement to maintain the poses and the sitting posture when meditating. All very beneficial for both.
Daily has been benefitting positively from all of this, days have been focused, calm, more alert and motivated. I am more present in my social interactions and less self-conscious with far less inner chatter.
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Busy weekend, didn't get a chance to post my weekly recap on Sunday.
This weeke was hit and miss with meditation sits. I also added in yoni mudra kumbhaka. Asanas have been going well, noticing more flexibility and more of an ability to really "actively relax" into each pose, allowing the body structure to go with it's spade sign and let gravity do it's thing.
Overall sits have been positive. Daily life has been busy with creating more artwork on a consistent basis. The weather is allowing more outdoor activities, been getting in some hikes and even a short bike ride this weekend.
I saw the author of "10% Happier" on The Colbert Report this week, a memoir about meditation from an initial skeptic. Added to my queue to read next.
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Hey Yogaman, having fun reading your journals. I was wondering, do you just practice the AYP starter asana kit or do you do something else?
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quote:
Originally posted by ak33
Hey Yogaman, having fun reading your journals. I was wondering, do you just practice the AYP starter asana kit or do you do something else?
Thanks ak33. It's nice to get some feedback. It can feel like I am just talking into the void (or to myself) at times on this journal :) Good to know people are enjoying it and finding some value even if it isn't as interactive as other topics here.
I currently do the AYP Asana Starter Kit. I'm curious to dig around on the forums for the next step in asanas from an AYP approach. I'm enjoying the routine now that it is a habit, and the appetite for more has been whet.
* On a side note, when is mentioned in my last post that meditation sits were hit-and-miss, I meant that about the quality of the sit. I'm maintaining a twice-daily sit routine as I have for many months now.
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
Busy weekend, didn't get a chance to post my weekly recap on Sunday.
This weeke was hit and miss with meditation sits. I also added in yoni mudra kumbhaka. Asanas have been going well, noticing more flexibility and more of an ability to really "actively relax" into each pose, allowing the body structure to go with it's spade sign and let gravity do it's thing.
Overall sits have been positive. Daily life has been busy with creating more artwork on a consistent basis. The weather is allowing more outdoor activities, been getting in some hikes and even a short bike ride this weekend.
I saw the author of "10% Happier" on The Colbert Report this week, a memoir about meditation from an initial skeptic. Added to my queue to read next.
Hi Yogaman,
I saw this episode of The Colbert Report. I might being reading this one as well. I would be interested your thoughts after you finish it.
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quote:
Originally posted by lalow33
quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
I saw the author of "10% Happier" on The Colbert Report this week, a memoir about meditation from an initial skeptic. Added to my queue to read next.
Hi Yogaman,
I saw this episode of The Colbert Report. I might being reading this one as well. I would be interested your thoughts after you finish it.
I am about 90% done with the book (no pun intended). Overall it is an enjoyable read, although I find the author or perhaps his writing style a bit annoying. But I'm still enjoying the read overall. I think if I'd not already had an interest in the topic, I might not be as captivated. But in a way his journey parallels mine, so there's some resonance there.
The book could have been one of those books you ask your skeptical family member to read to get them past their misgivings about meditation. But there's this off-putting ego-trip vibe that makes me not want to suggest the book.
It's a pretty easy read, I'd say worth a library check-out at the least, in case you're not interested. You'll definitely only read this once, if that.
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Just a note that Yogani does indeed have an
expanded asana kit, described in this forum thread (http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=14240).
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A mixed bag of sits this week. Perhaps due to adding yoni mudra kumbhaka, which is a very odd practice and tricky to orchestrate. The mudras and bandhas are all kind of bizarre in general. I still am confounded as to how anyone devised this system in the first place. It is similar perhaps to the shamans of the Amazon, who when asked about where they learned to mix the correct two plants in the jungle to concoct their visionary brew of ayahuasca (one for the drug, one to allow the drug to be orally active when drank), they say the spirit of the drink told them. A bit of a chicken-and-the-egg situation.
I'm not sure if there is a single term for the mulabandha and sambhavi mudra "unit", but that has become quite focused and refined over the past few weeks. It become nearly effortless at times. It continues to be very active outside of sits as well, especially when driving and often late at night as I read before sleep. The inner energy can get quite pronounced.
Asanas continue to go well and the inner energy and hum during Kneeling Seat persist. The activation of the Spinal Breathing Unit energy is quite obvious.
I've noticed a return of head and neck automatic yoga since introducing yoni mudra kumbhaka. I'm sure it is not a coincidence.
Daily life has overall been positive and productive, although the past day or two I've been in a slight funk. Perhaps due to the yoni mudra addition? Perhaps chalk it up to the vague "purification" process? I'm still confused as to what exactly the nervous system is purified of, and how, by these techniques. But just going with the flow.
My experience is that some of the claimed results have indeed taken place within me, so I continue to explore the practices and resulting direct experiences even if I'm not clear on the how, what or why. I know, I ask a lot of questions! But isn't that the role of a spiritual scientist?
One observation I've made in the recent weeks is how twice-daily sits start to turn the entire day into a yoga routine. Other activities become more organized to fit the schedule, and incorporated in a way that they "flow" into the next one. At the least, that has been my experience. It does at times limit my already less-than-spontaneous personality, but maybe that routine is what draws me to yoga in general.
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Hello Yogaman, thanks for the update!
In my understanding of things, these impurities would be vasanas; kind of automatic and compulsive behavior/thought patterns projected into the present by the past traumas and karmas, creating a tendency to constantly project yourself either in past, present or future and thereby making the abiding in the present moment impossible until the vasanas have been purified. About karmas I do not know that much, but many of the repressed traumas abide in the physical body and manifest as physical and psychological problems until they have been released and let go.
Makes me think of Tilopa's six advices, which at first look pretty simple but in order to be observed actually require a whole heap of practise:
Don't:
- Recall
- Imagine
- Think
- Examine
- Control
Do:
- Rest
I hope this helps and that I have not mislead you with my writing :)
Blessed love
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Thanks chinmayo, that is very helpful. I guess I vaguely imagined the purification being something physical or in Yogani's terminology, neurobiological. I never stopped to consider the subtle distinction of the content of the neurobiology.
Thank you.
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Another interesting week. I decided on Wednesday to give the mantra another try. It struck me that the only non-AYP practice in my routine was the most core practice of AYP.
While initially I found the mantra distracting, I believe a lot of that was over-analyzing and over-intellectualizing it.
I think one of my aversions to it is due to it being an addition, instead of observing something that is already there. Everybody has breath, but why those specific sounds suggested for the mantra? Easier to over-analyze the choice.
I had also been doing about 6 months of breath-focus prior to starting up AYP.
I've decided to give 2-4 weeks of mantra a go. So far, it's been quite positive. I'm surprised by the obvious and distinct character of each type of meditation. Too early to say if there is a novelty effect that will wear off. But I'm finding it very energetic and still/focused. Automatic yoga has retuned with the mantra sits.
I've also added in yoni mudra kumbhaka a week of two ago. I think adding that in started the thought process about mantra vs breath. It still has not settled in as a technique, as with the spinal breathing add-ons, it can be tricky to orchestrate all of these maneuvers. It's getting better. Slightly.
Day to day life has been pretty stable. Have been in a bit of a low mood lately, some enthusiasm for recent efforts has waned. This seems to be a pattern. My enthusiasm for all my positive goals and healthy efforts seem to take a hit at the same time. Negative thinking, disillusionment with goals and the like. It's good to see the pattern so I can weather the storm instead of being sucked into rumination and further negativity.
I've been a bit anxious about "obvious results" from meditation sits. It's settled down again, but these crop up every so often. I begin to doubt the claims and stories of others, or think I may just not be cut out for it. Too many interviews with people who reached deep experiences after 3 sits. It can be frustrating from the perspective of someone this has yet to happen to after a few years.
I try to remind myself that just like asanas and exercise, the results are not typically dramatic and take time and persistent dedication.
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A good week of sits. The mantra re-introduction (or was it the previously introduced yoni mudra kumbhaka?) has resulted in quite energetic sits this week. Automatic yoga has started back up as well, again for me it is primarily head and neck movements. What seems to be automatic jalandhara bandha.
I have to say that since adding yoni mudra kumbhaka, I'm struck once again by how unintuitive and bizarre these practices are. Without direct experience of the claimed results, I can't imagine suggesting these practices to many people outside a select few who already have a predilection for these sorts of things. I can see why modern culture has stripped away some of these practices, even down to the mantra being superseded by breath focus.
The mantra raises questions in the analytical like myself: why this sound/word? How does this work? Where did the choice of these sounds originate, and why? Where did Yogani get the use of these sounds from? Why these over countless others?
Perhaps I am just a very, very under-sensitive yogi. Perhaps others, today and in the remote past, tried out a few and had quite instant, direct experience with specific sounds and techniques. Reading the AYP materials, it's obvious that some people experience the effects quite profoundly, quite quickly. I am not one of those people. Without the direct experience, these practices remain in the "weird techniques" category (as Yogani puts it).
I've also been reading the AYP Easy Lessons book. While I read most of the online lessons before diving into AYP, I thought it would be a good idea to read over the lessons again now that I have some experience under my belt.
Daily life overall has been calm and good, if busy. Keeping up with my growing yoga routine as well as regular exercise, art and then work and healthy eating has required me to step up a bit. It's a good thing. I'm amazed at how quickly a day can fill!
My curiosity on all things yoga and meditation led me to discover this interesting article about the probable recent and Denmark origins of asanas: http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2610
I still find the asanas to be very helpful in maintain the sitting postures, regardless of their connection (or lack thereof) to traditional yoga (meditation) practices. It seems the "asanas" referred to in the Hathaway Yoga Pradipika are mostly focused on sitting poses (like padmasana and siddhasana). I'm going to take a direct look at the poses mentioned in the HYP. Will probably read that in full after I get through the AYP Easy lessons books.
Yoga on.
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Thanks for updating again :)
I have found out during my study of the TCM and shiatsu techniques, that many of the asanas stimulate the same meridians that I use in my shiatsu practise by doing stretches - so by doing the asanas you stimulate the energy meridians of the body thereby making it easier for the chi/prana to move and flow and also help in removing the energetic blockages. This is all though very eastern understanding, and western medical thinking does not acknowledge the existence of this meridian/energy system at all.
Same thing with mantras - they are too mystical for the western mind, so in the western techniques they are often left out or minimised. That is understandable - as one way to explain mantras is to think of them as a way to compress a lot of data in as few symbols as possible by making the actual meaning hidden. Before writing there was mantras (threads) so in order to make it impossible to corrupt the teachings the ancient teachers created mantras in sanskrit to be as short as possible so that they would be remembered and less likely to be unaltered (in western mysticisim this would be a vehicle called legominism.) So thereby, as the real meaning of the mantra is hidden, reciting the mantras you transfer that hidden, unapparent knowledge to the subconscious without the corruption or translation of the mind.
So, if you take this understanding - the meaning or the signifigance of the mantra is very important. Sure we would like to know the meaning of something that goes directly to the subconscious? Well, sanskrit was and is the sacred language of the ones who are in the know - who have experienced the experience described in the mantra. Which means you can't know the meaning unless you have actually experienced it thus creating a paradox. This same problem thus is in all book knowledge - it isn't real wisdom without the living touch of experience - one can claim to understand it but it doesn't equal to real understanding. Experience teaches wisdom so without it these isn't real understanding. How can one who has never seen the light know that it is actually dark?
I do not know and cannot explain what the meaning of the AYP mantra is (other than crude translastion of the mantra enhancement,something like "I bow to you, respectable I AM"), but I can notice the difference immediately in the energetic field if I change the mantra from the "I AM" to the "Shree shree Iam Iam". How I explain it to myself would be that the vibration which the mantra gives is a sort of indicator of the meaning of the mantra - if it cultivates energy, love, compassion etc in the innermost I can accept and use it. It is way better than the vasanas that were repeating in my mind before that created anxiety, fear and depression. I guess my advice would be to use your own discernment and intuition on whether to use mantra or not.
Blessed love,
Om shanti shanti shanti.
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Thanks for that info Chinmayo. Again interesting thoughts to chew on. And I agree, regardless of the knowledge behind it, there is a definite difference in the use of the I AM mantra over the breath focus technique.
And I too experience inner energy "activation" from certain asanas, specifically Kneeling Seat. As soon as I get into it, there is immediate energy activity. I wouldn't doubt that yoga is an accretion of techniques, and if these sensitive yogis in the past tried out a few poses and found them to be helpful, they kept them. It doesn't downplay their effectiveness necessarily.
Also, in response to my comments about "not much happening", I had the thought yesterday after posting that perhaps (to riff on Yogani's metaphor of driving a car) that if one steps on the gas pedal, brake pedal and turns the wheel and nothing happens, it could be that the car is not running yet!
Many years ago I became interested in lucid dreaming. I read a lot of skeptical scientific literature to balance out the enthusiastic articles. Finally one night I had a lucid dream. The reality of the experience was forever solidified for me. One quickly discovers there are "rules" within the lucid dream state that I am sure can be mastered with practice. However, those techniques might seem very bizarre to one who is not in a lucid dream state or has never experienced it.
I try to remind myself of this with meditation. I think one of my hang-ups is how physical all of these "spiritual" practices are. Being raised in a Christian environment, it is probably deeply ingrained in me that spiritual experiences are gained from pious and righteous living. How you think and act, not how fast you breathe.
Perhaps this is a conceptual framework I'm not even aware I am living in, one that limits spiritual experiences to those who "behave properly", as opposed to a natural state of the nervous system that can be activated, like exercise, with specific actions.
I still wonder why, if this state is intrinsic and natural to the human nervous system, does it take such effort and time to experience it? Seems counter-intuitive. But perhaps eons of civilized life has encrusted the mind, deadening it to the experience. This may be yet another layer of the onion of conceptual frameworks which I am not even aware are limiting my perspective and thoughts.
But I've had enough non-ordinary states of awareness in my life to know that my nervous system is capable of some things that I cannot repeat consciously. But I would like to. I feel as if yoga meditation is the best path to find out. But I'm going to ask a lot of questions on the way :)
"Are we there yet?"
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No, we are not there as long as we are moving ;)
Yes I think your lucid dream experience is a good metaphore. I haven't had a lot of those, but the ones I have had I remember, even those that happened years ago (or did they?) Although, having been thru a several sleep paralysis experiences, I can relate to that as it seems like many of the ancient visions or 'ufo abduction' scenes I have read about happen in that mode of consciousness. You know those stories that begin with "I woke up in the middle of the night lying on my bed unable to move, when two figures of light approached me and told me such and such."
Also having been brought up in christian home, and quite fundamental one I know what you are talking about. It was very much about behaving in a correct manner, saying certain prayers, begging for forgiveness from God, refraining from certain acts etc. The world of yoga and meditation really didn't make any sense to me then, and I remember laughing at some of my friends who started doing yoga when I was young. How things change, eh?
If I may, again refer to tantric master Tilopa, who compared the natural state of human being to be like a hollow bamboo, or a flute - free of all ideas and conceptions. Our christian belief system and the western culture is also a belief system more or less forced upon us from above - it has not come from our own experience thereby it is a hindrance, an obstruction. Moreover, expectations are an obstruction also, that's why you can't consciously repeat any experience. An experience should come naturally, from emptiness. (Btw, I'm not downplaying western culture or saying that eastern culture is 'better' as it isn't, but I'm only talking about it since that's what I have some experience of. Preconception is a preconception regardless of its origin.) Emptiness is the key - rest should happen without effort.
So yes, perhaps one could say that the mantra is also a tool in a way - it has to be changed when it doesn't do anything anymore and when it has done its job it should be dropped. Sorry for flooding your thread again, but it just seems that the text is coming and there's not much i can do about it... very much unlike what happens when I'm writing a research report :)
Blessed love
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No problem on the long posts, I don't mind at all :)
The yoga experience is very interesting. There's a balance between my curious mind and my skeptical thought process. It's interesting to watch myself analyze it all.
I've recently started a habit of writing down my larger goals every morning, per a Brian Tracy audiobook I recently listened to. It too reveals interesting things about mental processes. I notice my mind scoffing at some of the larger goals, trying to talk me out of writing them down, or talking me into making them smaller.
Similar thoughts nag at me about the meditation practices. I try to discern which are healthy, objective, critical questions, and which are fear-based, change-averse, old-programming responses.
I notice a lot of resistance to change in myself in general, even when I was starting to eat healthier last year.
But even as a kid, I liked taking things apart to see how they worked. In one sense, that's what draws me to yoga and meditation in the first place. It seems like a way to "look under the hood". I'm not looking to necessarily be a mechanic or an engineer, but I am curious how things work. And I am also OK with just driving, but when I step on the gas, I like to hear the engine rev :)
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
No problem on the long posts, I don't mind at all :)
The yoga experience is very interesting. There's a balance between my curious mind and my skeptical thought process. It's interesting to watch myself analyze it all.
I've recently started a habit of writing down my larger goals every morning, per a Brian Tracy audiobook I recently listened to. It too reveals interesting things about mental processes. I notice my mind scoffing at some of the larger goals, trying to talk me out of writing them down, or talking me into making them smaller.
Similar thoughts nag at me about the meditation practices. I try to discern which are healthy, objective, critical questions, and which are fear-based, change-averse, old-programming responses.
I notice a lot of resistance to change in myself in general, even when I was starting to eat healthier last year.
But even as a kid, I liked taking things apart to see how they worked. In one sense, that's what draws me to yoga and meditation in the first place. It seems like a way to "look under the hood". I'm not looking to necessarily be a mechanic or an engineer, but I am curious how things work. And I am also OK with just driving, but when I step on the gas, I like to hear the engine rev :)
Hi Yogaman,
What you've shared is very inspiring and interesting. Thank you. I also feel myself trying to tie back my dreams with fear and comforts. But they are not going away. And I can listen to them and act. One smaller goal is to become more consistent on acting toward fulfilling them, one day at a time.
[:)]
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quote:
Originally posted by Anima Deorum
What you've shared is very inspiring and interesting. Thank you. I also feel myself trying to tie back my dreams with fear and comforts. But they are not going away. And I can listen to them and act. One smaller goal is to become more consistent on acting toward fulfilling them, one day at a time.
[:)]
Glad you enjoyed and thank you for the kind words. Might I suggest you give the daily goal writing a try? The format is: write in the present tense as if it were true today, and set a deadline. Be as specific as possible.
So, you would write "I am a non-smoker by July 31, 2014" and not "I will quit smoking this year".
Here is a link to the audiobook I mentioned: http://youtu.be/tR2Z8lMEIBc
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Yes, I am doing it before bed. Mixed results today. Back at it tomorrow. [/\]
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
quote:
Originally posted by Anima Deorum
What you've shared is very inspiring and interesting. Thank you. I also feel myself trying to tie back my dreams with fear and comforts. But they are not going away. And I can listen to them and act. One smaller goal is to become more consistent on acting toward fulfilling them, one day at a time.
[:)]
Glad you enjoyed and thank you for the kind words. Might I suggest you give the daily goal writing a try? The format is: write in the present tense as if it were true today, and set a deadline. Be as specific as possible.
So, you would write "I am a non-smoker by July 31, 2014" and not "I will quit smoking this year".
Here is a link to the audiobook I mentioned: http://youtu.be/tR2Z8lMEIBc
Very good advice, to write your goal as if you attained it at a certain date.
I like also to visualize with a red frame what I don't want to do, becoming everthing in red and a big NO appearing, and then in a white frame what I want to do. If this is repeated like 20 times, the result is far greater
[/\]
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Yoga weekly recap
Intense sits this week as I continue to use the mantra. There is a definite difference in the character and experience of using the mantra as opposed to the breath focus. Quite distinct. Sits have been deeper and more focused and still.
Spinal breathing has taken on a different character as of late as well. The inner energy has become more distinct and "thicker". Sambhavi mudra continues to improve and require less effort and conscious awareness to maintain.
Yoni mudra khumbaka continues to alternate between clunky and slightly decent. Mostly clunky.
I had some aches in my shoulders and upper back this week, so I dropped the Shoulder Stand and Plow from the asana routine. Shoulder Stand is the one pose in The Science of Yoga that seems to have the potential for injury. I've been on the fence about including it for some time.
I've also recently discovered a possible origin of asanas in Denmark around the turn of the last century (http://www.yogajournal.com/wisdom/2610), which shifts one's perspective on the essential nature of asanas in yoga. In fact, Yogani doesn't seem to treat them as essential at all. The AYP lessons seem to follow the ancient primacy of pranayama and meditation for yoga practices. I do find that asanas help with my sitting posture, and some good stretching every day is good regardless of the directness of effect for yoga.
Daily life has seen me in a better overall mood, more focused on and back on my goals.
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Another week of great sits. Going back to the mantra has made very noticeable differences in the sits. I find the meditations very still and focused, with this "standing wave" sensation of the inner energy. Less flow, more "recycling". And automatic yoga has resurfaced during sits here and there. Still primarily head and neck movements. Seems related to jalandhara bandha. Spinal breathing too has improved, the energy has become thicker, denser and more obvious. At times I can really feel it, almost like a blob of water traveling within a cartoon hose. Sambhavi mudra and mula bandha continue to refine and require less effort.
Daily life has been a bit more focused and peaceful this week. My mind continues to crave external validation less and less. Focusing on the health of my body, mind, creativity and family has taken over focus. I'm realizing more and more that while my recent lifestyle changes result in less socialization, I can improve the relationships that are important to me by improving myself.
Some audio lectures I've been listening to this week on meditation and pranayama (from non-AYP sources) got my mind going about the differences between speaking from the authority of direct experience and from scholarly research. Often I feel my questioning is misinterpreted as doubt. But I feel Truth can withstand questioning, and in fact is strengthened by questioning. I don't doubt the existence of electricity, but I am curious about how it works, and about the historical context of the discovery of the principles behind it. I bring the same mindset to yoga.
Any practitioner of yoga has to admit there are some weird things involved. Perhaps the recent addition of yoni mudra khumbaka got me thinking down this path — "stick your fingers in your eyes, close your nostrils, and hold your breath". That is a very counter-intuitive path to a spiritual experience. And after reading up on amaroli, I had the humorous thought that yoga techniques are like kids doing a "triple-dog dare" to each other — "sit still for 20 minutes with eyes closed, then put your fingers in your eyes and on your nose, hold your breath until you see stars, drink your pee, then you can be part of the club".
Being raised in a loosely Christian household, my impression of spirituality was that your behavior dictated eligibility for direct experience. Yoga, on the other hand, is more democratic: everyone has access, but manipulation of the body is the route. More impersonal. I definitely struggle at times with the skeptical thought that "it's all in the mind", and specifically in the conscious manipulation of neurotransmitter-producing organs. The odd techniques reinforce these thoughts.
Still, there is enough evidence from millions of practitioners over thousands of years and backgrounds that tells me I am not the first to have these thoughts, and there's more to it once you're there.
Listening to lots of Alana Watts as of late also keeps one in that "Big Questions" mindset.
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Interestingly enough, after Bodhi Tree's comment in another thread that I was on the verge of a huge energy release, I found myself with lots of energy all day today, and an extremely intense evening sit. Serious sensation at the solar plexus, an odd ache/anxious feeling (akin to "butterflies in the stomach"). Energy at the brow as well, and all up and down the spine really. To be honest it's a bit uncomfortable.
The adventure continues…
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time to self pace
[:)]
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Hi yogaman,
It's good to keep a record. Personally, the exercise of writing a list before bed was ineffective. For me, I have problems with self pacing, due to my high vata dosha and lack of discipline. In short, my lists become extremely demanding of myself in very short time. So I appreciate Maheswari's call for self pacing, as I'm finding surrender to be gentler and smoother.
Yes, adventure awaits. Rock on [8D]
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quote:
Originally posted by maheswari
time to self pace
[:)]
Yep. It seems to have settled down so far this morning, although I woke with a painful knot in my back just under the left shoulder blade.
Either way, will see how the sits today go and pace from there. Thank you.
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Interesting week. After some lively discussions here on the message board, and a joke by Bodhi Tree that I would be having strong energy experiences very soon (http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=14327#121648), the following day I had a serious muscular knot in the middle of my back, opposite my heart. The pain was pronounced on exhales. It made me wonder if perhaps some strain from the Yoni Mudra Kumbakha was involved, as I'd done nothing physical to explain it. These knots do happen from time to time of course, so it could all be coincidence. I did however have some incredibly deep and focused meditations around that time, and which continued afterwards. The knot is thankfully gone, and I discontinued the Kumbakha.
Sits have been reaching some profound and enjoyable levels of stillness and focus, with some very condensed and strong inner energy. Spinal breathing continues to become more refined, focused, specific and obvious. It's starting to engage on the slightest instigation of the mudras and bandhas.
Meditation with the mantra continues to be intense, deep, still and focused. I am quite surprised at the difference in character and quality of using the mantra versus the breath. Once I got over my conceptual hurdles of the mantra, it became much easier to find the rhythm. I was a bit put off by the mantra at first, I suppose because it was an synthetic addition to — rather than awareness of — an existing and natural process. But I am a convert now, my meditations have improved noticeably and dramatically. I think I needed to go through the breath-focus phase for a bit to be able to compare.
Life in-between sits has been good, steady, peaceful. I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into who I am, and that identity is at odds with my expectations of who I "should" be that I've held for many years. I'm continuing to lose interest in — as well as lose the anxiety about losing this interest — old patterns of social behavior. I've become more of a hermit, but not in a negative way. I've started to focus my days, weeks, months year and life and it leaves little room for frivolous social pursuits.
The more I learn and accept the introvert I've always been, the more ease have with narrowing my attention on creating the art I should have been creating all these years. I'm reading, writing and enjoying life more. My socializing is now focused on people I really connect with. I am amazed at how little time there is once you start doing daily that which you should be doing. For me, that is meditations, exercising, creating (drawing), eating right, and reading. Meditation has of course played a huge factor in all of this, even just for the structure and discipline overlaid on my days now.
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i've read just your last post Yogaman, haven't been very active here lately, will read your other past posts, but I just wanted to say, your last post is so beautiful, your light is shining [:)]
Blessings!! [/\]
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That is good stuff. [/\]
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
i've read just your last post Yogaman, haven't been very active here lately, will read your other past posts, but I just wanted to say, your last post is so beautiful, your light is shining [:)]
Blessings!! [/\]
Thanks Yonatan! I aim to post a weekly recap every Sunday. I've had less time to frequent the forum lately but I try to spend time here at least once a week.
Hope things are good on your end. Take care.
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Yes all is well [:)] Thank you!!
Much Love [OM] [:)]
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Yoga Weekly Recap 5/25/2104
Another week of good sits. Not much experientially has changed, but the deep and still sits are welcome and I continue to be surprised at the difference in character of the mantra vs. the breath as an object of focus. I have found the mantra to be less distinct in my perception of it when mentally repeated. I'm not a fan of Yogani's use of the term "fuzzy" for this effect, as it reminds me of a sweater or something physical that is fuzzy to the touch. It's more that it becomes faint, hazy, imprecise. It doesn't gain another trait, it fades into the "mind field".
Life between sits remains positive. Art, exercise/health, work and family/friends continue to make up the bulk of my day. Not much time for lulls or unwanted thoughts or behaviors. The focus and motivation are much welcomed.
Noticed some issues with some people I know that might have gotten me riled up in the past were approached with detached observation of myself and the situation. Didn't even have to consciously extract myself from the drama, it just happened on its own.
Finished up the last leg of a 100-mile bike trail in my area yesterday. Was one of my goals to bike the entire thing. I couldn't help but make mental analogies while passing mile markers and trailheads with the progress of meditation, and the winding river the bike trail followed being analogous to kundalini energy. While trail trail had a beginning and end, it was only because people decided that a certain part of the territory was to be called "the trail" and the beginning and end were arbitrary. In fact, the southern end of the trail was marked but unfinished. There was no trailhead, no indication that it was under construction.
Another good week.
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Yoga Weekly Recap 6-1-2014
Another good week. Sits continue to be deep, still, energetic. I find a slight bit of resistance to actually sit at times, but when I finally get into the process I am totally absorbed in it. An odd combination.
Life between sits remains positive. I've noticed a bit of impatience, and also more openness to strangers and interacting with people when out in the world. As strange as this may sound, and perhaps unrelated to meditation, I have lately been noticing the flights of birds with more clarity. When hiking or riding my bike, a passing bird will be observed with more awareness of the flutter of wings, the change in trajectory, the effortless mastery of the process. This all happens instantaneously, but at the same time seems like time slows down ever so slightly.
My mood and enthusiasm remain up, perhaps even a bit manic at times! I feel as if I've been in a funk for so long when I actually feel positive I am not experienced enough to wrangle the energy. A million ideas flood the mind, and I want to work on all of them at once — becoming instantly oblivious to all the in-progress goals and projects already in my plate! Being aware of this helps a lot, as I can observe myself going into these states now, and corral the mind back to the important things. I believe this ability is a direct result of practicing meditation (returning the focus).
It has been extremely beneficial to be aware of this tendency in myself. Often in the past I'd get pulled away into currents and eddies of this manic thought, only to return to the real goals once the novelty wears off, only to feel as if I were incapable of completing things. I'm not a master at it, but I am slowly getting better.
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Yoga Weekly Recap 6-8-2014
Sits continue to be deep and still, often with strong inner energy. Sometimes dynamic, sometimes a "standing wave" of energy and inner cycling. The mantra continues to become more and more indistinct. At times I feel as if I've drifted off into thought and off the mantra, only to find I wasn't really off in thought, but I definitely wasn't on the mantra.
I had the thought this morning that the continual refinement of the mantra is perhaps refining it to a condition of pure thought, no longer connected to language. I had the thought recently about early man, prior to language — how did the inner dialogue happen for them? Mine seems so word- and language-based.
My thoughts on the mantra becoming pure thought no doubt are related to the addition of samyama to my sits. I can't really even say why I chose to try samyama. But I've found it to be quite a strong experience. I feel as if I am thinking of the count to 15 a bit too consciously but otherwise there is a distinct character to the inner energy when practicing samyama, especially after the deeply still and energetic sits I've been having.
Life between the cushion remains positive. I've found myself much more outgoing and social when in social situations. Much more of a desire to be out in the world as well, despite my introvert requirements of recharging the batteries solo. The exercise, healthy eating and daily art creation continues. The day fills up quickly!
I've also just planted my first vegetable garden in some beginner-friendly planter box kits. Looking forward to learning about the process. I tried growing my plants from seed, but I've since k,earned that is a bit more difficult than one would think.
I continue to read the book "Supernormal" , which is a scientific inquiry into the siddhis. Interesting so far. I also finished up the audiobook of "The Secret History of the World", which purports to be a distillation of the common theme among esoteric practices and philosophies throughout the ages. It's quite interesting how some form of meditation or yoga is involved in all of these. It goes by many names, but the breathing techniques and mind-focusing practices are unmistakable. It was a long, interesting yet ultimately frustrating book. Too many tantalizing loose ends that the author never really coalesced into a whole. It was tough to determine if he was accurate or If of this was just his opinion.
At any rate, what my big takeaway from it all was that there is a very real experience when one puts these yogic techniques into practice. It seems to be discovered by people from all ages, locations and cultures. Named differently, but in the end there seems to be a high level of independent correlation from the observations. There also seems to be much confusion and subjective interpretation, but that may be a limitation of the ordinary consciousness attempting to shoehorn the experience into the culture and language of the experiencing nervous system.
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Very interesting Yogaman. I like reading your journal. You have a good and clear style of writing.
It seems things are moving in a positive way for you [:)] Keep it up!!
Om [OM] [/\]
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Very interesting Yogaman. I like reading your journal. You have a good and clear style of writing.
It seems things are moving in a positive way for you [:)] Keep it up!!
Om [OM] [/\]
Thanks Yonatan!
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Thought I would share these interesting articles I stumbled upon recently:
Science: Inefficient Samadhi (http://dondeg.wordpress.com/2014/04/25/what-is-science-part-1-the-demarcation-problem/) - a 10-part series worth reading. I first found this by way of his other article, Patanjali's 10 Types Samadhi (http://dondeg.wordpress.com/2014/04/25/what-is-science-part-1-the-demarcation-problem/)
Written by a molecular biologist who seems to be an experienced voyager of the inner realms. Good stuff for the pesky question-askers like myself :)
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Yoga Weekly Recap 2014-6-15:
Another week of great sits. I'm really beginning into lose the expectations and anxiousness about "stuff happening". Maybe because stuff is happening? :)
I feel as if sits are reaching more centered, focused, still and energetic levels every day. I look forward to them immensely now. Daily life continues to be steady, positive, focused. I also seem to be cultivating a perspective of "wholeness" on the world and my experiences. I'm less analyzing every detail and incident, and more grasping it all as a "system" or "thing". It's tough to describe, but perhaps precisely because it's the opposite of the reductionist thinking that language hinges upon. Naming, classifying, dividing up.
I have though been dealing with some emotions and thoughts in relation to my father and my (vaguely recalled if at all) early years, and how I may have been overlooking some negative realities. A deep conversation with my mom last weekend opened this line of thought up even deeper. In a sense, I feel the meditation may have brought this to light, the stilling of muddy waters and all.
Otherwise, my experience of life and my engagement with it improves. Less controlling, more open to "what is" versus "what I want it to be".
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Bravo, Yogaman! The surrender to the process is the key. One by one the petals of the lotus bloom! I enjoy your journal, by the way. Thanks for sharing your yoga.
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
Bravo, Yogaman! The surrender to the process is the key. One by one the petals of the lotus bloom! I enjoy your journal, by the way. Thanks for sharing your yoga.
Thanks Dogboy!
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Yoga Weekly Recap: 2014-06-22
Another week of superb sits. Sambhavi mudra and mula bandha have been refining to become more and more focused and "efficient" — stronger, more direct, less effort. Spinal breathing in general has taken on a new character. The inner energy movement is more pronounced. It is now obviously collecting even when I start my asanas with knees-to-chest.
Deep Meditation too is becoming more deep, still, focused. The mantra continues to fade and transition from silent inner vocalizing to thought. Inner energy persists into Deep Meditation from Spinal Breathing. Samyama continues to go well, it has a definite and distinct difference in character from both pranayama and meditation. I still seem to lose my attention on the count after 8-10 seconds.
Life between sits continues to improve. I find myself more open to people, more engaging with them when I interact, and more desiring to do so. I'm less caught up in nonsense — my own and that around me. More focused on what I need and want to do, what is important to me. Some of these decisions contradict the persona I've cultivated to this point, which is not easy to reconcile with people who have you fixed in one aspect. This includes yourself! I've realized that I've caused myself quite a bit of pain over the years trying to fit the persona that I believed others held for me (if that convoluted logic makes sense!). In other words, my fears about changing (read: letting go of the accumulated traits that I've been unconsciously identifying with as "me") were more about what others would think. I was operating under the subconscious assumptions that I had to "live up to" this persona. Unfortunately, many of those traits were not positive — cynicism, sarcasm, pessimism. The downside (and I know the root is within me) is that when around many of these people, I sense this draw to revert to this mindset, to play that role. Interestingly, not with others.
It's no different than quitting smoking, when you are the only person trying to quit in a circle of people, it's much more difficult. And if you stay away for a bit and return, you find yourself drawn into old patterns of behaviors, urges and cravings despite knowing that you have no interest in these things at all. It's as if we are addicted to the familiar it above all.
These changes are not easy for all the relationships in my life as I've come to see some of them as less than healthy or ideal, as well as how I've allowed their subtle manipulations to pull me away from what I need to do for myself. I just need time to figure out how to positively integrate them in my life. The tough part is breaking old rituals and patterns yet maintaining the regular contact.
Regardless of these struggles, I am happier than I have been in years. More focused on goals of creativity and health, and far less self-conscious about being who I am — even if that identity is constantly in flux — which I think has been a huge hurdle for me throughout my life. I've looked externally for direction, approval and validation, and it feels great to slowly wean myself off of all of that unhealthy thinking.
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Hey Yogaman [:)]
What you write here is pretty huge, cos most people are unconsciously attracted to stay in old habits, circles of friends who may not be for their best good, and old conditioning. You are right it's like quitting smoking or any addiction. I think a lot of us here who do AYP or other type of meditation can say that they have experienced and are still experiencing the shedding of old and stuck conditioning and habits. It's one of the best benefits of practicing meditation and spiritual practices turning us from unconscious robots or copycats into real humans who act from their true self. [:)]
Much Love!! Very inspiring stuff Yogaman [:)][/\]
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Hey Yogaman [:)]
What you write here is pretty huge, cos most people are unconsciously attracted to stay in old habits, circles of friends who may not be for their best good, and old conditioning. You are right it's like quitting smoking or any addiction. I think a lot of us here who do AYP or other type of meditation can say that they have experienced and are still experiencing the shedding of old and stuck conditioning and habits. It's one of the best benefits of practicing meditation and spiritual practices turning us from unconscious robots or copycats into real humans who act from their true self. [:)]
Much Love!! Very inspiring stuff Yogaman [:)][/\]
Many thanks and your words ring true here. particularly the "acting from your true self" thing.
If it wasn't clear from my earlier post, I mention the experiences because I sense they are a result of the meditation. I'm sure it's been mentioned here before, but I am starting to get a sense that I was hoping to "attain" something with meditation, and over the past few weeks my perspective is more that the results are a letting go to let what is already there express itself.
Interesting stuff!
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" the results are a letting go to let what is already there express itself."
That is exactly true Yogaman, beautifully put [:)]
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Yoga Weekly Recap: 2014-06-28
Another week of profoundly deep and still sits. Mula bandha and sambhavi mudra continue to refine and become more focused, requiring less effort. The focus and strength of the inner energy sensations helps with that. I'm finding a more still and relaxed posture when meditations, and the mantra continues to refine away from mental vocalization and more and more into thought. It's a subtle distinction but I can note it. Samyama continues to be quite intense. On certain sits I can maintain the count, on others I drift off into hazy reveries — strange dream-memory scenes in the imagination, not visual but that "mental seeing" that isn't quite visual. Again I feel as if I am reaching deeper level in the sits.
Life between sits remains mostly positive. I did have a few down days, which typically coincide with rumination. That rumination can be a stepping stone into a deeper funk, but being aware of this makes it easier to avoid. I've also been noticing my inner dialogue drifting off into those "self arguments", where you defend your position with a person you imagine is criticizing you. I can't determine if these are happening more often, or if I am just more aware of them lately. They definitely seem related to rumination and low moods.
On the other hand, I've also had some very up and positive days this week, notably over the weekend when I was spending time with a close friend who is in town, and out at the park biking and hiking. I found myself opening up and engaging with strangers. It was almost as if the urge came from within. It wasn't a needy or selfish urge either. I realized later that I have been stifling this aspect of myself out of some sort of self-consciousness of being this kind of person in front of certain people, specifically those who've known me for a long time. Echoing back last week's thoughts of the "melting away of the not-me", I feel as if this plays a part. As if there was this defensive shell that was initially created as a sort of protection for the self within it, but over time the self began to identify with this constructed armor.
Lastly, I've been playing with this concept I thought of a few weeks ago. It struck me how on the computer, sound is a very unique from video and text. Selecting, copying and pasting seem more intuitive with text and video rather than with sound (even with a waveform visualization). Like smell, sound (music in particular) also seems to be able to transport the mind to very specific memories. So this got me thinking that sound is less caught up in time and memory (perhaps in these related brain structures as well?), and more associated with the present moment. I've been trying out the idea of really focusing on the sounds around me when I find myself off in rumination. It's seems to work remarkably well. I read recently that environmental sounds during meditation should be treated like thoughts: note them and let them pass along (and vice versa).
I'll end this with an insight that came to me during a bike ride this past week. It struck me that when we think thoughts, it takes us out of the present moment. Like staring at the mobile phone screen, it may seem innocuous but really it's saying "this present moment isn't good enough" and we do something "more productive" or "more enjoyable" with it (plan or fantasize).
"Thoughts are a subtle disdain for the present moment."
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Regarding senses while in deep meditation, I have lately been noting/enjoying/releasing how a particular moment might reveal itself and it's layers: the sounds of a distant dog barking, the neighbor mowing her lawn, the smell of the cut grass, or the socks on my feet, the breeze entering my room, the grumble in my stomach, the prana bubbling in my solar plexus...like I'm a thread in some fantastic tapestry!
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
Regarding senses while in deep meditation, I have lately been noting/enjoying/releasing how a particular moment might reveal itself and it's layers: the sounds of a distant dog barking, the neighbor mowing her lawn, the smell of the cut grass, or the socks on my feet, the breeze entering my room, the grumble in my stomach, the prana bubbling in my solar plexus...like I'm a thread in some fantastic tapestry!
Indeed, same here! And my note about sounds/senses was something more for a non-sit situation ("daily life"), but I find it's also a good touchstone during meditation. I do not dwell on sounds, but they are a clear indication if my focus is on thoughts or the mantra.
Regarding the tapestry, I've been noticing this more and more on my daily hikes. "The world is made of life". It's so easy to see the external world as inert, but as one looks (and listens) closer, the profundity of life in even one square foot of nature is quite astounding. What we've dulled outer selves into believing is that the world is somehow static, when it indeed is a dynamic process that we are only imagining these snapshots, these slices of.
Might be time for another listen to Alan Watts' "Out Of Your Mind" :)
Thanks for the thoughts [/\]
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Yoga Weekly Recap 2014-07-06
Some decent sits this week, but also a lot of restless, wandering mind. Good sits are very good when they happen. Have not ben doing much samyama due to schedule being busy and my sleep schedule being off this past week (again).
Life outside sits, has been a bit sullen; the manic, magic connectedness of the past few weeks has given way to a more detached, ruminating, stuck-in-the-head mode. I know from experience that my course of action is to stick with the regimen — exercise, eat healthy, meditate.
I won't lie and say I don't prefer the former mood and experience of life. The optimism and enthusiasm is definitely missed. It does reveal to me how tenuous one's sense of self really is. How easily disrupted it is, how easily altered.
Among other books, I've been reading Swami Rama's "Living With The Himalayan Masters". It's an entertaining read. He's a great writer. As usual, ones assumptions about yoga/meditation are quickly dismantled by the real experiences. Rama is quite down to Earth and readily admitting of his limitations, but at the same time makes some tremendously supernatural claims (things he's witnessed by others, not done himself). I'm looking forward to finishing it.
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Hey Yogaman, looks like you are doing well and know how to handle the more down days. They can happen these periods, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. For me they tend to come and go quickly. And these days not so often as in the past.
Also I read a part of Rama's book, it was quite fascinating, and he does tell about some really astounding supernatural things..
I don't know if you've read it but if you enjoy Rama's book then you might like Autobiography of a Yogi. It is pretty popular among yogis and a classic. Yogananda the author also writes of many supernatural things. It's the book that got me to AYP (I wanted to practice the kriya yoga of Babaji :) )
Be well :)
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quote:
Originally posted by Yonatan
Hey Yogaman, looks like you are doing well and know how to handle the more down days. They can happen these periods, and it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. For me they tend to come and go quickly. And these days not so often as in the past.
Also I read a part of Rama's book, it was quite fascinating, and he does tell about some really astounding supernatural things..
I don't know if you've read it but if you enjoy Rama's book then you might like Autobiography of a Yogi. It is pretty popular among yogis and a classic. Yogananda the author also writes of many supernatural things. It's the book that got me to AYP (I wanted to practice the kriya yoga of Babaji :) )
Be well :)
I too have been fortunate to find the down days lasting shorter periods, and happening less often. I chose today to perceive these periods of times as a reminder, a way to put the positive days into contrast, into perspective.
Thanks for the book suggestion. I read that many, many years ago and I too was very much drawn into wanting to learn more about yoga and meditation. Only now am I putting in the practice. To put a twist on an old phrase, "when the student is ready, the student appears" :)
Hope things are well on your end. Thank you for the thoughts.
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All is good, thanks Yogaman [:)] I am inspired to practice more by your journal and resolve so I appreciate it.
This last week was not so easy with everything happening both in the news and in my own mind and feelings. I know that it is scenery though, and I am able to be in it with much more detachment and good discernment (of thoughts, right and wrong in terms of what will bring more and less suffering) and the achey feeling pass quickly. There is an innate feeling of confidence and inner strength that helps carry me through everything, I think it is the inner silence that Yogani talks about. There is also living in the Now moment most of the time so even an excruciating feeling soon passes and there is nothing left of it, and back to the calm moment..
Carry on [:)]
Peace and Love [3]
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Good to hear Yonatan. Sounds like you are headed down the right path. I'm following behind in your footsteps!
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[:)]
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Yoga Recap 2014-07-13
Overall a good week of sits. A bit of mind-wandering and a lack of focus some days, but consistently reaching a deep stillness, even on the less than great sits. Added samyama back to the routine, as well as yoni mudra kumbhaka. Both just in the last few days, but going well so far.
Life between sits remains positive, despite another week of low moods and a bit of depression. Both seem to be lifting as of this weekend,thankfully. I've noticed quite distinctly, particularly in light of the intensely joyful moods I've been in the weeks prior to this recent funk, of how the low-mood self is a completely different identity than the high-mood self, and especially the joyful self.
The low mood self has a completely different perspective and focus on time. It dwells on the deep past, the near-future (where the fleeting rewards of instant gratification lie), but never the Now. It seems as if one is in a never-ending present, but it's really the near-recent past (because we are trapped in thoughts, which are not the present moment).
The joyful self, on the other hand, is deeply present in an expanded Now. The near-future and any thoughts are used for benefitting the long-term goals which somehow also enhance the wider present moment.
Maintaining my self-discipline routines was key in getting through this period of down mood. Daily exercise, meditation, eating right (mostly, I binged on some dark chocolate and sugar a few times). Journaling my long-term goals every morning, planning my day the night before. Depression is rooted in a lack of sense of the future (low dopamine, being the biochemical responsible for the anticipation of reward, plays a major factor in depression from my reading). I also noted how depression seems to be a prison of thoughts, but the key is physical: the body and nervous system. It's easy to believe you can think your way out of depression, but I've found that focusing on actions and effort seem to work best.
I believe the rising tendency to witness my thoughts and my experience of the world, due to meditation practice, is behind this insight of the different selves. I worded this specifically, as I don't believe I've yet reached an actual state of The Witness (which through one of the AYP books I've discovered is the same as samadhi, which is not clearly spelled out in the main lessons or core AYP books, or I overlooked it).
I noticed a return to that joyful state, what I've been referring to in my journal as "magical connectedness" because that's what it feel likes. The world is in the right place, events flow into each other, the mundane is magnificent. It's a welcome return. But these joyful states are throwing the depression into an event more dramatic contrast when they do appear. In the past, my up mood wasn't that much higher than my down mood. Now, I notice the shift much more, and it's much more frustrating to not know why they arise and to feel a bit out of control with it all.
I've learned that my personal development habits and routines play a big role. 95% of the time, I am cultivating the momentum to get me through those 5% of the times when I need to maintain it in the face of the depression. And I think one of the lessons learned is to not become attached to the joyful state, because it is tenuous and fleeting. I need to be realistic and prepared to weather the storms of low moods that are constantly on the horizon.
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Yoga Recap 2014-07-20
Overall a good week of sits. Some slight chaos in my daily life this week spilled over into my meditations, especially towards the end of the week. At one point I even found myself sending an email right after asanas just to "get it out of the way". Of course the sit was fidgety and filled with mind-wandering. A few sits had been tinted by that kind of unfocused thinking. I made a decision that I was off course and that there would be no more of that behavior.
Otherwise, sits have been good overall. Some deep,still and focused sits. Sambhavi mudra and mula bandha both seem to continue to refine to a more tighter and less effort-requiring approach. I can sense inner energy stronger and stronger during warmup asanas, especially knees-to-chest, kneeling seat and savasana (corpse pose during rests). Yoni mudra khumbaka and samyama both seem to be going well.
Life between sits continues to go well despite the minor chaos I mentioned earlier. Nothing serious, just some larger issues I am trying to handle with an old car that needs sold, a new one that needs to be sourced, a used motorhome I am trying to find and purchase, and a larger personal project in a new area and requiring new skills to be honed. I've sensed some distance from my parents as of late as well. It's very subtle but I sense it and not sure of the cause. Creativity, motivation and enthusiasm continue to grow, not only overall but up and away from the low moods I was in as of last week. Glad to see them gone, and they were a nice guru to have for a while to remind me of the progress I've made and to appreciate the contrast. It also taught me to continue to be diligent, focused and unwavering on these healthy goals like meditation,yoga and exercise. I believe they were instrumental in getting me through a rough mental state that in the past I could have been swept away by.
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Yoga Recap 2014-07-27
Overall a great week of sits. Some distracted sits in the middle of the week when a few disruptions were going on (new car, new debt, new rumination on both). This balanced back out later in the week. Finding myself reaching deep, focused stillness and strong, distinct inner energy early in my routine, even starting with the brief asana warmup. Sambhavi mudra and mula bandha have refined to a more focused, strong and relaxed point, and the inner energy at the middle brow is obvious, strong and becoming more precise. Also inching slightly upwards and inwards. Yoni mudra kumbhaka is improving, the technique is becoming less forced and I am finding the right approach. I had a day this week where it really clicked, so I know what to aim for now. Meditation remains strong,deep, focused and still. The mantra remains at a refined level, and hovers between mental recitation and thought/remembrance. Samyama is going better, although I find myself distracted by thought towards the end of each repetition into silence. I do find myself sinking deeper into stillness and noticing each sutra having a slightly distinct quality to the inner energy sensations.
I've also been naturally using the noting technique, as patterns of disrupting thoughts occur during meditation. They follow themes and categories, so I just pay attention to them, note their category/theme, and allow them to pass along. Some common themes are defensive conversation/argument/justification rehearsals, regrets, planning, and anticipation or anxiety/worry. I don't categorize them any more than this right now. The general feel behind recognizing each theme is "so, it's you again?"I believe my mind is calming to a degree that I can more easily note when these distracting thoughts arise. I try to treat each as a mini-guru, arising to challenge me and to bring to attention what needs to be worked on when back in daily life.
Daily life has been good, the mood has improved since the recent down moods of a few weeks ago. For the most part it remains positive. I have noticed some anxiety and rumination over the lease of a new car, as my last one finally reached a point where it was time to move on. I find myself struggling with accepting this new, nicer thing. I find myself struggling with conditioned responses from my upbringing that I should be buying a used car and fixing it when it needs repairs. I've recently learned that one can have narcissistic tendencies from a self-effacing perspective, one where you are consumed with denying yourself success and reward due to low self-esteem issues.
I've also had some further struggles with family situations, again dealing with my father. I noticed more behavior of his that was deeply unappealing to me. At times I feel as if it has most likely been there all along, but like my own shortcomings, I've been too close to them to really see them for what they are. I feel as if I've gained some perspective on myself and my relationships through meditation, but I am still struggling with the consequences of these new perspectives.
On a positive note, I also found myself in a recent family situation extending myself to connect with more extended members of the family (the in-laws of my wonderful cousin). As I've noticed in myself more and more on this yoga journey, at times I feel drawn — almost by a paradoxically internal and external force — to engage, interact and connect with more people. It was no different this time. Instead of withdrawing into my safety shell, my familiar armor, instead I reached out and wanted to be where I was, be part of it. Not sit back and comment and criticize from a safety zone of conditioned behavior. I wanted to spread my wings a bit, having only recently realized I posted the ability to fly.
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Strong. [8D]
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Beautiful [/\][/\][/\]
From my perspective, this:
"I've also had some further struggles with family situations, again dealing with my father. I noticed more behavior of his that was deeply unappealing to me. At times I feel as if it has most likely been there all along, but like my own shortcomings, I've been too close to them to really see them for what they are. I feel as if I've gained some perspective on myself and my relationships through meditation, but I am still struggling with the consequences of these new perspectives. "
Is also positive [:)] Sometimes we only see things in retrospect. And also sometimes you see that the negative things, in retrospect are actually positive [:)]
[/\]
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I am talking about your newfound perspective of course.
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Many thanks Bodhi Tree and Yonatan :)
Yonatan — indeed, there may be time needed to settle into the new perspective and be able to fully appreciate it all. Thanks for the reminder. Despite the awkwardness, it feels very good and correct to be in this perspective, even if it needs to be "broken in" a bit.
I'm just realizing as I type that like bad habits of the body, one can have bad habits of the mind, of thought patterns. It seems both are equally tough to re-pattern to a healthy direction. The mind, like the body, seems to crave the old familiar, even if it isn't the healthier route. Immeditate gratification seems to be a factor in both.
My new mantra: refined mind, not refined carbs!
I've not mentioned it on this journal, but I've been on a parallel study of Stoicism along with yoga and mediation and I find it to be very compatible and helpful along the path, each supporting the other. Stoicism is very much a discipline of the mind, and by extension the actions resulting from thought. The best one-line summary I've read was a quote from (I believe) Marcus Aurelius that we cannot control what happens to is, but we can control our reactions to what happens, and how we think about those actions. Like Buddha's Middle Path, the Stoics were not promoting asceticism, but rather the ability to do without pleasure. Or rather, the ability to be satisfied with or without pleasures. A pleasure you cannot control (I.e. Say "no" to), controls you.
Also, I recently read the PDF "The Path" from Swami J's website, summarizing the concepts of Swami Rama. I found it to be exceptionally helpful. I think one needs a bit of experience in yoga/meditation to grasp the ideas, as I recall reading it when I first started out and it seemed "out there" or over my head. But reading it this past week, I found it very direct, concise and very helpful to understand what we are heading towards in this journey.
http://www.swamij.com/downloads.htm
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Very interesting Yogaman, thanks for sharing [:)]
Regarding you now being able to read and understand swami Rama's teachings, I love to see in my own path, (and it has happened to me a couple of times), how I grow over time and am able to take in and understand writings and teachings that were vague to me or that I didn't see the truth of before. I see it as actual growth in consciousness and it is a very clear sign that tells you that "yes, I have grown overtime" (which sometimes is not a very easy thing to see in yourself that clearly).
[:)][/\][3]
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Thanks for the thoughts Yonatan. I think the Swami J summaries helped a lot. I have not read any Rama books yet. But I know what you mean about coming back to something and seeing things you didn't see or perhaps comprehend before.
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Yoga Recap 2014-08-03
Another week of very intense, deep and still sits. I find myself saying this often along this journey, but I feel as if I've reached a new level of the practice. I find the inner energy much more eager to be cultivated, and it starts with the first knees-to-chest asana. Relaxation and stillness start then as well. Kneeling Seat keeps growing in inner energy intensity as well.
Yoni mudra kumbakha continues to improve although i am still getting the hang of it. Samyama continues to improve as well. I do find myself drifting off mentally at the end of each sutra at times. The inner energy can be quite strong for certain sutras.
Meditation continues to expand on the deep stillness, and the inner energy reaches this tough-to-explain "static dynamism" state. I referred to it as the sensation of learning to ride a bike no-handed in one of my sit journal entries yesterday. There is a distinct sensation of the energy "aligning" vertically and finding that still point helps the the body and by extension the mind relax into deeper states.
Life between sits has been very good. The mood and outlook has been great. I've not been able to get as much outdoor activity (biking and park hikes) in as I'd like due to impending rain on many days this week (which never seems to actually happen).
I've also been working hard to make a personal art project happen, there is a lot of pieces to this puzzle as far as not only the art and design aspect, but also the financial, business and marketing aspects in order to make the funding campaign successful. It's been like starting a small business! It's been very educational though, and regardless of the outcome the experience will have been worth it, I can already tell.
After a year of constant repairs which prompted the lease of a new car, I finally sold my previous vehicle of 13 years. It's quite interesting how wrapped up one's identity can be in an external object, especially an automobile. And especially after such a long time. It was like a second skin. It can define who you are, and how you imagine you appear to others. From the make, model, and even the blue-collar "badges of honor" (rust).
I find myself unsure of my boundaries in this new ride, hesitatingly backing out of the garage like a novice driver. And not to mention a bit of self-consciousness with the nice, new vehicle and a bit of cognitive dissonance with ingrained habits of thought from my financially-strapped upbringing. I've read recently of how there can be a kind of inverse narcissism, where one is focused on the Self, but has a low opinion. One can convince themselves they are not worthy of success, of rewards, of nice things in their lives.
Part of my reason for choosing the lease of a new vehicle (besides the surprisingly low cost on close out models) was the breaking of these old mental habits. Instead of drudging through the experience yet again of being an old car owner, I chose to instead use the debt as a motivator to work harder and expand my business. As a way to do a bit of immersion therapy and perhaps break this inverse narcissism I've been condition towards. Spend money on a car that allows me to work in a more focused and productive manner, instead of one that allows me to stay at the same level.
I go into this car psychology at length here on this journal entry because I feel the parallels to yoga/meditation are quite strong. The "new vehicle", the old habits, the extension and sense of boundaries of the self. The unnoticed conditioning after many years of "driving"(thinking) in the same "car" (mind).
With yoga/meditation, I'm getting much better mileage, a smoother ride, less trips to the mechanic.
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Yoga Recap 2014-08-10
I can't recall where the intensity is sits left off from last week, but this week continued to deepen as well as increase in stillness and the intensity of inner energy flow. At times the experiences are quite profound and enjoyable. The intensity can at times near the border of too strong, but never to the point of actually becoming so. My analogy has been like learning to ride a bike no-handed — its a second-order level of balance required when riding a bike. At times the inner energy experience is indeed like finding a literal balance on the column of inner energy.
What strikes me most about this new stage of experience is how literal it all is, from the subjective point of view. One feels sambhavi mudra literally. The inner energy rising up the spine during pranayama is felt quite distinctly. You also realize why these practices need to be taken slowly. It's like warming up the muscles before exercising. The "system" needs to be conditioned and one needs to be familiarized with it all.
The experiences I've begun to have consistently over the past two weeks are along the lines of what my anxious expectations were for the first 3-6 months of practicing these techniques. It's about 18+ months now for me, and only 10 months of regular twice-daily sits. And only about 3 months since switching back to the mantra (which I did for about 3-4 months to start before switching to my pre-AYP breath focus method).
I am experiencing inner energy flows now during the initial asana, knees to chest. I usually stay in that for a bit and cultivate some energy and stillness. Laying in corpse pose during rests also generates inner dynamism, and the past few days even a sense of buoyancy.
Mantra continues to refine, occupying a different location in the awareness that seems to be more at the back of the skull and upper spine, and rises upward upon repetition. It has this "energetic amplifier"component to it as well. I've also noticed a heated energetic sensation in the front upper chest at times during exceptionally focused and energetic sits. Particularly when the inner energy is strong and "condensed".
Life between sits has been very good. Some rough spots with some emotional and relationship struggles have smoothed out in my thinking, as I've been [more] accepting of the faults of others while also understanding that I need to learn to not let those negative vibes affect me when I am near these people, instead of just avoiding them completely. I'm still learning how to do this but it feels healthier than the constriction approach.
One direct meditation benefit I experienced this week was a bit of anxiety with a Kickstarter art project I released this week. When the funds were slow coming in the first day, I could sense my ego and fixed-mindset (and it's related attachment of self-worth to skills and talents) struggling with this perceived uppercut to the ego. But recently during meditation the technique of "noting" thought a has arisen spontaneously, and as these esteem thoughts were bubbling up, I noticed them for what they were, and also noticed how they were directly triggering the neurobiology to release emotions, which in turn amplify and fuel the self-effacing thoughts. I had the insight "wait, I can circumvent this process!" and chose to not go down that route in my thoughts. It was a huge burden listen, and a big aha! moment for me.
One thing I forgot to mention is that I've also been implementing the Swami Rama technique of talking to my Mind as a friend. I have brief conversations with Mind before meditation. It's a quite interesting process. I have had some insights right off the bat with this method. The first being: why, if Self and Mind are "in this together", is there a struggle going on? And no weird there are these "two selves". And why is one of them so seemingly "other" and inaccessible? These profound sits as of late coincide with the "Mind chat" technique, but I feel as if the pranayama techniques and mantra are more likely the cause of the profound levels of sits as of late. The Mind Chats however may have helped me in that earlier scenario where I was more of an objective observer of mind/thoughts and was therefore able to not go down an undesirable path of thought.
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Yoga Recap 2014-08-17
Strange week of sits. The beginning of the week continued the deep, still, strong, focused and energetic sits, but from Thursday onward they took a less-ideal turn. More mind-wandering, less focus of attention and energy, more effort required for mudras and bandhas, which were less focused. I have not been doing samyama these past few days while feeling ill, as it usually takes enough to just get the sits in twice daily.
Allergies or a cold have arisen at the same time, which could be playing a factor. Just not feeling well in general and my exercise routine has been on hold.
Overall, life between sits is still good. A bit of the "glow" that has been tinting my experiences these past few weeks is dimming, but nothing negative. Mostly just flat. The weather turning colder and more rainy, indicating imminent fall and winter most likely are playing a factor in mood and perception.
I also wonder if my introverted self is dealing with a bit of an over-socializing hangover. I've made some big changes and decisions in the past few weeks as well. For someone usually not quick to change and a bit used to doing things in a routine, perhaps all those changes in a short time frame were a bit much for me. It's actually why I did a lot of it all in the same time period, as I knew in the long run it was the right thing to do but in the short term I knew I could talk myself out of the changes.
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Yoga Recap 2014-08-24
A good week of sits. Improved from some distracted sits the previous week while I was dealing with allergies or a cold. Not as focused, still, deep or energetic, but slowly climbing back to that point. Still a bit of distraction by thoughts during sits. I did reach a few interesting deep stillness experiences where I felt as if I had reached a deep level of inner "balance". It was both a physical and mental sensation. Mentally, I felt as if I could not be "knocked off balance" by interruptions of thoughts.
Also having slight experiences of observing thoughts as they arise, and before they "move on" to affect me in say an emotional sense. This happen during and between sits. I've also spontaneously been performing a technique I read about elsewhere called "noting", where instead of dwelling on the content of arising thoughts, I quickly categorize them as "the usual suspects" and move on from them.
Life between sits has been good. Work and personal projects continue to keep me quite busy on top of my regular healthy routines of biking and hiking as often as possible. I've also been working to get the used motorhome I bought a few weeks ago set up. I've never done this before so it's all a learning experience. It's been good for me, as I tend to get wrapped up in routines and patterns and I want to mix that up more. I'm taking more initiative to do so and I feel that meditation has been a big factor in establishing that positive change of mindset.
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]Yoga Recap 2014-09-01
A late weekly recap due to being out of town this weekend.
A return to the deep, still and energetic sits. Had some incredible sits this week. I was out of town visiting a friend over the weekend yet still maintained a short sit twice daily. And was able to reach some deep stillness and cultivate some inner energy quite quickly.
Life between sits remains on the upswing. I've realized a bit more as of late how meditation has been improving my daily life. These moments of a pause before thoughts and runaway emotions, being an occasional objective observer of my thinking and actions — these have become valuable resources within.
Spinal breathing, with sambhavi mudra and mula bandha have been increasing in quality over the past month. Meditation and mantra as well. My analogy has been that I am now learning to ride the bike no-handed. To go with that analogy, I do experience a deep sense of inner physical/energetic balance when reaching states of deep stillness. These seem to result from a complete letting go, a complete relaxation, a release of those last tensions you were unaware you were maintaining.
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quote:
My analogy has been that I am now learning to ride the bike no-handed. To go with that analogy, I do experience a deep sense of inner physical/energetic balance when reaching states of deep stillness. These seem to result from a complete letting go, a complete relaxation, a release of those last tensions you were unaware you were maintaining.
In asanas I often ask myself "is this yet the full expression?" And more often than not, the answer is No, the shoulders aren't back, or my thighs aren't turning inward, or some such thing...until the No becomes a Yes! as the inner energies confirm my warrior self. I love the image of riding a bike with no hands as this has forever challenged me and reminds me there is always more surrender work to do!
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
quote:
My analogy has been that I am now learning to ride the bike no-handed. To go with that analogy, I do experience a deep sense of inner physical/energetic balance when reaching states of deep stillness. These seem to result from a complete letting go, a complete relaxation, a release of those last tensions you were unaware you were maintaining.
In asanas I often ask myself "is this yet the full expression?" And more often than not, the answer is No, the shoulders aren't back, or my thighs aren't turning inward, or some such thing...until the No becomes a Yes! as the inner energies confirm my warrior self. I love the image of riding a bike with no hands as this has forever challenged me and reminds me there is always more surrender work to do!
I too often wonder with asanas, mudras or bandhas if I've found the right expression (I like your use of that term). Usually the answer is eventually "it seems it was not!"
Very easy to think you've found the zone, only to later on discover a deeper level. I'm sure that will continue!
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Yoga Recap 2014-09-07
Another good week of sits. Despite some small ups and down in health levels, I maintained my sits and even had some quite. Deep, still and profound sits during some short sessions.
Life between sits (or the much more humorous 'between the cushions' which always comes to mind when I type this) remains positive and positive enhanced by meditation. I continue to experience this helpful perspective of pause between thought, the resulting emotional response, and the ensuing physical reaction. I observe them as aspects of a process, as opposed to the former way of it all being mashed into one unavoidable lump.
Opposed to stifling or avoiding these undesirable emotional and mental states, I feel as if I have that pause in which I can actively choose, as opposed to the former situation of passively reacting. The deeper implications to this are that of responsibility and autonomy: I am slowly losing the old excuses I once clung to. When one is aware of, and has a choice in, the possible paths from which a thought can follow, you can no longer blame circumstances for your behavior.
One can no longer cling to suffering, which I am coming to see as an excuse for Immediate gratification and indulgence in cravings, urges and other unhealthy behaviors, habits and addictions. We plant the seeds of suffering so the future self can harvest the fruits when it needs an excuse for unhealthy choices.
But with a notion of what we (as the secret sufferer) are up to with this perspective gained from the pause between thought, emotional response and body reaction, that outsourcing of blame is gone. Impossible. We are now responsible, and we know it. Runaway mind, runaway emotional response — these can no longer function as the escapes we once took refuge in.
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
When one is aware of, and has a choice in, the possible paths from which a thought can follow, you can no longer blame circumstances for your behavior.
One can no longer cling to suffering, which I am coming to see as an excuse for Immediate gratification and indulgence in cravings, urges and other unhealthy behaviors, habits and addictions. We plant the seeds of suffering so the future self can harvest the fruits when it needs an excuse for unhealthy choices.
But with a notion of what we (as the secret sufferer) are up to with this perspective gained from the pause between thought, emotional response and body reaction, that outsourcing of blame is gone. Impossible. We are now responsible, and we know it. Runaway mind, runaway emotional response — these can no longer function as the escapes we once took refuge in.
Wow. Strong. Thank you.
Makes me think of the quote from St. Paul: "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish things."
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Thanks. Bodhi.
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Yoga Recap 2014-09-14
Another good week of sits. Health has been up and down and so have the length of sits, although I've found myself sinking into deep, still, energetic, focused and balanced sits where the short sits can't help but end up being typical sits.
Life between sits remains positive. I've been in a strange mood, almost feels as if a transition is accelerating. But at times it also feels sluggish and as of wheels are spinning.
I've been learning more about my issues with procrastination and how they relate to the perfectionism I struggle with, and also how these both deal with esteem and shame issues. Shame is another one of those words or concepts that one thinks they understand, but on further inspection it seems we have only a vague and cartoonish notion of the idea. The same held true for meditation and yoga before I got started in actual practice.
I've been reading the book "Conquest of Illusion" which I discovered via the Plane Talk blog, which has a great perspective of yoga/meditation that I really enjoyed: http://dondeg.wordpress.com/2014/04/25/what-is-science-part-1-the-demarcation-problem/
"Conquest of Illusion" speaks very directly to a lot of those back-of-the-mind questions I have surrounding yoga and meditation, even if not specifically a book about yogic techniques. He also seems to expand on the concepts Alan Watts likes to focus on, that of the intrinsic nature of reality as a non-dual whole.
While my practice continues to result in deep, still, energetic and focused sits as well as peace, positivity and even a bit of joy in my everyday life, I still have that craving for "more". Something more overt. I've held that my goal is to reach a point where I can confidently suggest to my brother that he should start a meditation practice. While I find it worthy myself, I've always had a interest and fascination in yoga and meditation but never the discipline to start or maintain a practice. I've had enough experiential feedback to tell me that something is progressing, and it aligns with the experiences and claims reported by others. But I've yet to have anything I could point directly to and tell my brother that it's worth the focus, discipline, time and effort. I'm not saying I don't find at least some of that myself, but not to the degree where I would confidently suggest to him that he should consider it himself.
That said, it's tough to point to any particular benefit for my regular exercise, save for some slight improvements in muscular build and tone. Much of it is in the mindset, in being someone who exercises regularly, and the resulting influence that mindset has on the rest of my life, perspective and experience. I've no doubt that meditation is the same on some level. However the claims of the results of yoga/meditation far surpass those of exercise, and the limited vague sense of improved well-being I think I am experiencing.
I am patient enough to maintain the practice, and have had enough hints of progress that keep me on the path. But still I anticipate being able to say to my brother and other seekers "yes, you want to do this". In time.
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quote:
While I find it worthy myself, I've always had a interest and fascination in yoga and meditation but never the discipline to start or maintain a practice. I've had enough experiential feedback to tell me that something is progressing, and it aligns with the experiences and claims reported by others. But I've yet to have anything I could point directly to and tell my brother that it's worth the focus, discipline, time and effort. I'm not saying I don't find at least some of that myself, but not to the degree where I would confidently suggest to him that he should consider it himself.
I believe you mentioned this brother before in this context (endorsing and advocating meditation for him when it has proven its worth to you) and I'm curious about:
1) the nature of your relationship with him
2) why you believe he (maybe) should meditate
3) what event you are anticipating that would trigger an endorsement
4) why the changes that have occurred thus far are not yet worthy of this endorsement
5) if an endorsement is needed. Is he curious about your practice but wants a guarentee that time invested won't be wasted? Is that your fear too?
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Dogboy:
My brother and I are quite close, very similarly minded. He is a bit younger and has a family and a job, while I am single and have a home business. Thus I've more time than he does. He's also a bit more impatient. But in some ways, my criteria is more about selling it myself, I think.
2: he has expressed interest and if one of those things that is worth the time, best to start now.
3. Trigger event: some sort of realization that I can point directly to. Even general day to day happiness. There's lots of talk about yoga and meditation being a science, yet the results claimed are often very vague. Conversely, some of the benefits are beyond verbal description. I'd like to have an experience that definitively gives me an awareness of these states of consciousness (samadhi and such).
4. The changes this far, well nothing I can point directly to, to encourage someone on the fence. I've mentioned before my experience of having some "space" between thoughts, and also between a thought and an emotional response. It's beneficial but inconsistent. Also vague and subjective. My full routine can take up to two hours of a day. That's a serious time investment. It would be nice to be able to point to the ecstatic descriptions in Yogani's books and tell people "stick with it, you'll have these experiences". That may indeed be true in time, but for me 18+ months in, I've not even scratched the surface.
I'm not complaining. I'm just saying to someone skeptical, there are a lot of big claims that one may not experience for many months or years. It seems unpopular to ask questions about meditation, or to express doubt. I'm just being honest. I question things. I was raised in a religious-ish environment and told to believe that that was "true". But not to my experience. Direct experience is what drew me into yoga/meditation. I only ask for the direct experience claimed.
5. He is somewhat curious. And as mentioned above, I don't doubt I too want reassurance my time won't be wasted. But for me, I've been down other paths. My studies have led me to yoga/meditation after a lot of searching. I'm in it for the long haul. To be honest, I'm out of other options!
I express my doubts mostly because as a journal, I assume there are others along the path like me. I don't feel my questions are properly addressed by what I've read out there. In a way, I am hoping to have some direct experience so as to be able to report back to anyone on the fence (as I was in the past) and tell them "stick with it".
My questions are not intended to challenge, but rather to express an honest perspective that I know a lot of people have. I'm not asking for anything more than direct experience, results of the practices as described. If valid, they should provide results. I am just journaling my honest progress on the journey.
I don't think it would be fair to only speak glowingly and optimistically of the practices when I have moments of doubt. I look forward to and enjoy and get better at my sits every day, every week. But I will also be honest and say that doubts creep in. I read other reports on these forums, on blogs, in books and articles online. There are some big experiences talked about. It's easy to feel left out, left behind.
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Yoga Recap 2014-09-21
An interesting week of sits. Been off and on sick all week but maintained at least a daily sit. Most of them I did untimed as I didn't expect them to be long sits, but they all turned into long sits as they all went extremely well and became very deep and intense.
Sambhavi mudra has become more focused. Mula bandha seems to be refining to a muscle group higher in the pelvis. The spinal nerve has become quite pronounced and the inner energy eager to engage. Spinal breathing has become quite strong, at times it can seem a bit much.
Meditation too has refined, my sitting posture continues to relax and become stronger and my focus increases in consistency. Mantra refined further as well. I am experiencing the concept of returning to the mantra as opposed to trying to stay on it more clearly.
Life between sits remains positive, even while dealing with this ongoing cold or allergy bout (or whatever I'm dealing with). In the past this could have easily led to rumination and perhaps even depression, but the more I learn about what triggers these events, and why, the better I am at avoiding them. I believe meditation has been instrumental in this.
The perfectionist desire to maintain a rigid schedule and habit can be a negative thing if one ties some misses too deeply to their sense of self. I'm learning to forgive myself in these situations.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my earlier post about expectations from meditation. The best analogy I have is that of lucid dreaming, another esoteric activity that at one time was very mysterious and interesting to me. There was a lot of controversy as to the reality, validity and attainability of the experience. For years I practiced the suggested techniques.
When I finally experienced my first lucid dream, there were no longer any doubts or questions. No amount of reading or argument could ever convince me that they were not real experiences. I've had a but a few since then, and have not maintained the practices. It opened my mind quite a bit to other esoteric practices such as yoga and meditation (which looking back I knew nothing of besides vague, misinformed information accumulated from ignorant sources like mass media). But the critiques and outright dismissal by some of lucid dreaming, once I'd experienced one directly, revealed to me that indeed our consciousness held more to be discovered despite any arguments otherwise.
In recent years I've Internet-met some people who claim regular lucid dreaming, often to the point of annoyance. This has tempered my patience with meditation. It points back to my questions about "how were these techniques discovered?" and the variance in timeframes for experiences. The regular lucid dreamer never had to make any effort to instigate them, he knew no other dreaming experience.
My other thoughts on the experience of spiritual states and awakening relate to the odd feeling I get at times that to expect results seems frowned upon. I find that odd, as I've stated before I came to yoga/meditation for direct experiences. While I indeed find benefit and joy in the practice itself, I am interested in the larger scope based on the reports of others. If these experiences are ever to become more widespread, as Yogani discusses throughout the AYP writings, there is a need to address these issues.
When I spoke earlier of wanting to be able to tell my brother that he should indeed meditate, it was more of a benchmark for me than to actually convince him specifically to meditate. As mentioned, he's an open-minded skeptic, and like most Westerners, mired in this dualistic experience of the world we've been conditioned to experience.
I can without question validate the reality of the lucid dreaming experience. I can without question, and from direct experience, suggest to any interested seeker that if they put in the time and effort, the experience is real.
Often on this path, and quite recently in fact, I encounter those who talk confidently of the validity of these non-dual realities, the direct experience of the Absolute, yet only discover upon further inquiry that they are merely regurgitating information they have gathered. One such person revealed to me that not only had they not directly experienced this state, they never even meditated or practiced any type of contemplative activity designed to result in these mystical experiences. In fact, this person was highly touting a book which throughly defused the idea that one can intellectualize their way to an experience or understanding of this state — which is exactly what this person was doing!
This is where my hesitations lie, with not knowing the validity behind the claims. The "brother benchmark" for me is also one on a personal scale: if I tell him, he knows that I would not suggest it lightly. If indeed this experience lies in wait for humanity (as I believe it does), it is going to spread by trusted word of mouth. This is what I am reaching towards. I am not going to suggest that others follow in the path of meditation (and all the extensive claims behind it, such as ecstatic conductivity, unending divine bliss, and other wonderfully poetic and inspiring references by Yogani) until I can tell others "yes, I've experienced these myself".
I don't think it's too much to ask to want to have direct experiences. I feel like that is why we are on this path. At least it's why I am.
Speaking of "I Am", I recently started listening to the "I Am" Spirituality podcast. Really good stuff. The host is a guy who claims direct experience of enlightenment. And a resulting passion to bring that same direct experience to others. His definitions of ego, fear and emotions are quite helpful and useful on the yoga path.
He also dedicates an episode to describing his enlightenment experience, which is something I can point to as far as a specific experience to aim for in all of this. I do not expect these kinds of results off the bat, but I am aiming for this. And the host, Sean Webb, also discusses the differences between spiritual awakenings and enlightenment. My intermediate goals are to have the awakenings. Milestones that the path is opening up. That my technique is good, my practice sound.
I referenced "samadhi" earlier, which may not be the right word. Yogani seems to equate samadhi the the experience of The Witness state, which to me was an intermediate stage and not enlightenment. So to clarify, I am not expecting the firehose after a few months or even a few years. But I do expect, as I did with my lucid dreaming practices, to have unmistakable experiences. Lucid dreaming is all or nothing, but meditation seems to have intermediate stages such as The Witness (whatever analogue that has to Sanskrit terms). Yogani speaks very directly and plainly to the rise of The Witness. It is my near-term aim to cultivate this experience.
http://iamspirituality.com/ - check out episode 20 for his recounting of his enlightenment experience.
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quote:
My questions are not intended to challenge...
My questions too, dear Yogaman, were not meant as a challenge, so I am pleased you didn't take it as such. To learn of the love and respect of your brotherhood touches me dearly, and made me recall when I was seven, my mother miscarried both "Baby Joseph" and my last chance to have a brother (I have two sisters).
quote:
I don't think it would be fair to only speak glowingly and optimistically of the practices when I have moments of doubt. I look forward to and enjoy and get better at my sits every day, every week. But I will also be honest and say that doubts creep in. I read other reports on these forums, on blogs, in books and articles online. There are some big experiences talked about. It's easy to feel left out, left behind.
I'm impressed with your honest and heartfelt approach to your practice. Your inquisitive nature, coupled with you Bhakti. will surely eventually free you from these "Horse Latitudes". You are providing a tremendous service to others along your particular pock-holed path of doubts by your union of discipline and Bhakti, which makes your journal a must-read every Sunday. It is path of the tortoise amongst hares and you remember how that story played out?
I had no indication only a year into AYP it was my lot to be the hare in terms of prana flow (A side note: now that I am Ego Aware, I'm in a constant conflict how much to reveal on this forum without becoming a Talking Head shouting "look at me!", but that is another thread I guess!). I thought then bliss meant I'd be a "walking fountain of arousal" with a peaceful smile plastered on my face. While at times that indeed is the case, most times prana is an ever-present subtle 'subterranean' vibration; DM is constructing me into a vessel of stillness to house an energy that vacillates in intensity in any given moment on any given day. It is my new chew toy. I am learning much the more I play with this prana, using asanas with gentle awareness, mindfulness, and surrender. I am also keen on its volatile capability, and learning about self pacing and directing circulation so I may continue to engage this amazing discovery AYP has unearthed in me. If I never experience samadhi, que sera sera, I can always do it at death!
I report this not in the spirit of measuring against anyone else's path, but to encourage your discipline to remain steadfast, that your labors will bear fruit of some variety that you will one day enjoy and share with your loved ones. Your example is providing IMHO proof enough for your brother that focused effort is never wasted.
Thank you for sharing your [3] and yoga!
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
Often on this path, and quite recently in fact, I encounter those who talk confidently of the validity of these non-dual realities, the direct experience of the Absolute, yet only discover upon further inquiry that they are merely regurgitating information they have gathered. One such person revealed to me that not only had they not directly experienced this state, they never even meditated or practiced any type of contemplative activity designed to result in these mystical experiences. In fact, this person was highly touting a book which throughly defused the idea that one can intellectualize their way to an experience or understanding of this state — which is exactly what this person was doing!
This is where my hesitations lie, with not knowing the validity behind the claims. The "brother benchmark" for me is also one on a personal scale: if I tell him, he knows that I would not suggest it lightly. If indeed this experience lies in wait for humanity (as I believe it does), it is going to spread by trusted word of mouth. This is what I am reaching towards. I am not going to suggest that others follow in the path of meditation (and all the extensive claims behind it, such as ecstatic conductivity, unending divine bliss, and other wonderfully poetic and inspiring references by Yogani) until I can tell others "yes, I've experienced these myself".
I don't think it's too much to ask to want to have direct experiences. I feel like that is why we are on this path. At least it's why I am.
Strong bhakti, man. Wanting nothing but the truth--nothing but direct experience. Of that, I can relate, wholeheartedly. Authentic, genuine, real. Better keep going, I guess! What other choice do we have? Stick with the techniques that yield tangible (or maybe slightly intangible [;)]) results, and peel off the layers that hold you down.
Just a random thought...one enhancement that has helped me BIG-TIME is the solar centering enhancement. You might want to consider that one if your bhakti is pulling you towards more depth and refinement. Since beginning that one, I've noticed orgasmic pulsations emitting from that region, and when that is occurring, there's not too much room for complaint anymore (well, maybe a demand for MORE so I can be devoured by it completely).
Thank you for your lucid writing and honest insight regarding your path. [8D]
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Second the Solar Centering advice.
I don't know if you already do, but adding some tantra techniques on AYP might also jump start your prana flow, especially with DM well established. [:D]
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Many thanks for the kind comments and suggestions. I'll definitely look into this Solar Centering. I've not delved too much into the tantra stuff on AYP yet. I've been focused on the slow addition to the core practices.
I stumbled on this quote the other day that I thought relevant to my recent posts:
“The ultimate reason for setting goals is to entice you to become the person it takes to achieve them.” – Jim Rohn
From this perspective, meditation has already paid off big dividends. I can sometimes overlook this. Another ironic aspect of my questions is the fact that they arise during the most obvious manifestation of direct experience in my meditation practice to date. Strong spinal breathing, distinct spinal nerve sensations, deep and focused stillness in meditation. In the past 6 weeks I've no doubt crossed a threshold. Perhaps some of us need to be hit over the head with the milestones!
Perhaps it is a situation of hedonic adaptation. The mind/brain likes to become jaded and take things for granted as quickly as possible it seems.
I also need to take my own advice when it comes to goals. Just as the goal of fitness isn't some specific "thing" or static "state" one achieves, but a pattern, a habit, a way of being that infuses the choices you make and the way one approaches situations — so too is it for yoga and meditation. One is not an artist because they have mastered some skill, but because they regularly put that skill into action.
Just as it can be tough to perceive an unhealthy situation from within it, I have a strong suspicion that holds true for the healthy ones as well.
Thanks again.
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
One is not an artist because they have mastered some skill, but because they regularly put that skill into action.
Exactly. Hence the importance of recognizing that an identity (artist, yogi, athlete) is merely tacked on to describe an event that is already occurring.
One thing I like to contemplate is how superfluous an awards ceremony can be--after a big tennis match, for instance. The joy and the thrill is watching the players compete at a high level of intensity, but once it's over, who keeps watching TV to see the awards ceremony? It's anti-climactic. Same with the Oscars. Getting lost and immersed in the movie itself far surpasses any accolades that get tacked onto the piece of art.
I've read so many spiritual books. I've devoured AYP material like a ravenous scholar. I can access a mental, holographic compendium of much information. But at the end of the day, what do I want? The direct experience.
We want to taste it, touch it, smell it, feel it, and hear it. And of course, we want to transcend it. Desire...that's what makes the world go round.
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[:D]
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quote:
Originally posted by Bodhi Tree
quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
One is not an artist because they have mastered some skill, but because they regularly put that skill into action.
Exactly. Hence the importance of recognizing that an identity (artist, yogi, athlete) is merely tacked on to describe an event that is already occurring.
One thing I like to contemplate is how superfluous an awards ceremony can be--after a big tennis match, for instance. The joy and the thrill is watching the players compete at a high level of intensity, but once it's over, who keeps watching TV to see the awards ceremony? It's anti-climactic. Same with the Oscars. Getting lost and immersed in the movie itself far surpasses any accolades that get tacked onto the piece of art.
I've read so many spiritual books. I've devoured AYP material like a ravenous scholar. I can access a mental, holographic compendium of much information. But at the end of the day, what do I want? The direct experience.
We want to taste it, touch it, smell it, feel it, and hear it. And of course, we want to transcend it. Desire...that's what makes the world go round.
Indeed, well said!
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Yoga Recap 2014-09-28
A good week of sits. Continued to sit without an external timer. I prefer it this way, although my sits tend to go long. At the suggestion of AYP forum friends, I added the Solar Centering practice this week. It definitely changes the character of the sit. It's a bit disruptive to the routine with an added level of complexity. But this is true for adding any new practice. Some deeply still and strongly energetic sits this week, but also some distracted, mind-wandering sits as well.
Life between sits remains good. My health started improving, although the illness reared its head again today after 2-3 days of thinking it was behind me. Had to cancel some plans which bums me out. Nothing I can do though. Beyond catching up on work, I got some progress in on some personal art projects. Mood remained positive this week for the most part, even had a few of those random "laughing out loud for no reason, then laughing at my random laughing" moments. But also some deep realizations about hang-ups/attachments that have been dragging me down throughout my life.
I've been listening to a new podcast, First Things", which digs into the psychology behind productivity. I found it from a search for perfectionism podcasts and episodes. The podcast is a good intro to these topics if this stuff interests you.
Learning about perfectionism (and its evil henchman, procrastination) has been quite revelatory for me. While I am still working to truly uncover all the embedded sources, peeling away what I have so far and working to be observant of when I act at the mercy of it has been very helpful. So much makes sense. Like learning about being an introvert, I laugh deeply when I read the signs and descriptions of those who struggle with perfectionism — its me to a T.
I've not had much time to ponder the Big Questions on yoga/meditation that I've brought up here as of late. But I did give the audiobook of Deep Meditation another listen while out hiking this week. I found this at the end, in the chapter "The Rise of Inner Silence — The Witness":
"This is not a philosophy we are espousing here. In scriptures and philosophical treatises we can read long dissertations on the nature of consciousness and the nature of life. The mind can try to grasp all this, and what will it mean? Not much. We can’t know what an apple tastes like until we bite into one. It is that simple.
The proof of the pudding is not in looking at it, but in eating it!
Discussions about consciousness are only that – discussions. So let us resolve to stick with discussions of real experiences here, not theories. If it is described in this book, and you can’t go out and experience it as a result of your own deep meditation practice, then you are not obligated to believe any of this. Experience is the final arbiter of what is true and what is not. You don’t have to take anyone else’s word for it. The practice of deep meditation is both self-directed and self-validating."
This indeed is what piqued and maintains my interest in yoga/meditation. Perhaps it is the case, as in hedonic adaptation, that the gradual changes become assimilated as they arise and the change is less noticeable (for some at least). That considered, a slightly earlier passage in Deep Meditation sets up the imagination for a much more obvious experience:
"If we are sitting in meditation and the divine inspiration of our religion comes riding up to us in a golden chariot, what shall we do? If it is Jesus, or Buddha, or Krishna, or Moses, or Mohammed, and they ask us to go for a ride in their golden chariot with them, what shall we do?"
That isn't very subtle, or open to interpretation. It doesn't sound very subjective ("I think maybe I might have experienced a glimpse of inner silence"). It definitely heightens expectations in the reader/aspirant.
Although it goes on to say this about inner silence:
"There are several ways we can notice our rising inner silence. That is, if others haven’t noticed something going on in us first, and said something to us about it.
There can be a general sense of peace, a slight euphoric feeling that seems to be following us around all day. We might find ourselves shrinking a bit less from the challenges that we face each day, and participating more in discussions where we felt we did not have much to offer before. Or maybe we just feel like taking on more in life – with a new found energy we have. The signs of rising inner silence are endless. But there is one symptom that is unmistakable, and this is the emergence of the witness."
I can attest to the peace, enthusiasm and slight euphoria at times.
And Yogani does point out at the end of the prior chapter that slow and subtle are the ideal signs of progress — even if he does drag that damn golden chariot back in!
"For the rest, if we are following the correct procedure in our meditations, we will find gradual improvements on many fronts in our daily life – less stress, better health, more inner peace, more creativity, more enthusiasm, and more love and compassion for others. And, who knows? Maybe a divine savior will offer us a ride in their golden chariot sometime. For the glamorous things we let go of in favor of the mantra in deep meditation, there will always be an opportunity later on."
In the end, I do find myself noticing positive, beneficial changes in my experience of the world and in understanding of myself. I can only point to meditation as the source, and for that I am quite pleased and satisfied. But so much more is mentioned.
I think perhaps that because in fact I have been experiencing these things, and I am experiencing a strong inner energy (prana?) sensation, that I am able to say that at least some of what was described is indeed resulting from putting these techniques into practice. But then there is this part of me that asks "now what?". Perhaps my vague expectations are taking the initial stirrings of inner energy and comparing that to the descriptions of golden chariots.
I keep thinking back to when I first taught myself to play guitar. I practiced for hours every day, for months. Not only did I feel like I was getting nowhere, I actually felt like I was getting worse. I stopped. But a couple of months later, I decided I wasn't going to just give up. To my amazement, I picked up the guitar and the Blues scale was just pouring out of my fingers like I was a pro. It turns out that even if my conscious mind wasn't aware of it, I was learning the entire time.
That experience taught me that just because it doesn't seem like you are making progress on the surface, it doesn't mean there isn't something deep going on behind the scenes. And that progress doesn't always happen in a gradual slope, but often in quantum jumps to the next level.
Until next time, off to "practice my scales".
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Excellent. Reminds me of a simple saying in AA, which is: Progress, not perfection. Hope the solar centering works out for you. [/\]
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quote:
Originally posted by Bodhi Tree
Excellent. Reminds me of a simple saying in AA, which is: Progress, not perfection. Hope the solar centering works out for you. [/\]
Another perfectionist trait I recently read, that of focusing on perfection of the goal as opposed to working on perfection of the process.
Solar a entering has been interesting. I need some more time for getting used to the shift in focus and the change in energy character. But it seems to be different for sure. Thanks again.
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Hi Yogaman, Bodhi Tree,
I've been reflecting on perfection too, thanks to this missive from non-dual Christian teacher Richard Rohr which arrived in my box on the 28th. Perhaps you will fine something in it useful, so here is the link:
http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Richard-Rohr-s-Meditation--Perfection-as-Union.html?soid=1103098668616&aid=QNKVg1q8Nh0
Namaste,
[/\]
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quote:
Originally posted by bewell
Hi Yogaman, Bodhi Tree,
I've been reflecting on perfection too, thanks to this missive from non-dual Christian teacher Richard Rohr which arrived in my box on the 28th. Perhaps you will fine something in it useful, so here is the link:
http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Richard-Rohr-s-Meditation--Perfection-as-Union.html?soid=1103098668616&aid=QNKVg1q8Nh0
Namaste,
[/\]
Thanks for the link.
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Yoga Recap 2014-10-05:
Good week of sits. The solar centering practice seems to amplify, or at least alter the characteristics of the energy experience during mantra meditation. I'm not always sure I am truly placing my awareness of the mantra in the solar plexus, but regardless it has a noticeable effect.
Overall sits remain good. No timer, and I am going longer (and sometimes much longer) than 20 minutes for sits. I've noticed mula bandha has further refined in muscle control as well as using muscles higher in the pelvis. Engaging becomes very natural, requires much less effort and awareness. Sambhavi mudra too, but not as dramatic.
At times inner energy flow becomes quite strong and distinct. I feel at times if I am on the edge of a deeper state, but never reach it. I've had a few times where I've realized I was still holding some physical tension and let that go, to then find I sink into a deeper stillness.
A bit less yoga asanas this week, my sleep schedule has been off and less time upon waking. To be honest some of the time I just don't feel like it. Interestingly, often those times without asanas the sits sink quickly into focus, strong energy and deep stillness.
Life outside sits remains good. I'm still battling this cold/flu/allergy thing, but it's much more tame than it was. Mental state has remained positive throughout. In the past I've noticed extended illness can bring about some mild (and potentially worse) depression, but this time I've been able to steer clear of the rumination. I've also recently learned from my study of perfectionism that perfectionists can feel shame and guilt over being sick, especially if they live a healthy lifestyle. The erroneous thinking is that one "should" be immune from illness if they are living the "perfect" healthy life. Perfectionists like to use that word "should". But knowing about the health/illness thing was very helpful. I most definitely could relate to that once I read it.
My questioning mind has been still this week for the most part, a bit due to being ill, a bit to a calmer mind, a bit to focusing on other topics for reading and research.
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quote:
At times inner energy flow becomes quite strong and distinct. I feel at times if I am on the edge of a deeper state, but never reach it. I've had a few times where I've realized I was still holding some physical tension and let that go, to then find I sink into a deeper stillness.
Keep up Surrender, and soon you'll be falling over that edge! [8D]
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
At times inner energy flow becomes quite strong and distinct. I feel at times if I am on the edge of a deeper state, but never reach it. I've had a few times where I've realized I was still holding some physical tension and let that go, to then find I sink into a deeper stillness.
Nice description of that shift. Love when that happens. One of my favorite sayings is "pushing the edge of the envelope", which is how the test pilots in the 1950's would describe their effort to break the sound barrier or fly at higher altitudes. So it is with refining the mantra...pushing the edge of that envelope. [8D]
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An interesting description of the visualization experiences over on another thread (http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=14664#124391):
quote:
When I first started SBP, I was quickly able to visualize the spinal nerve as a silver thread and was soon actually seeing the nerve. Then I gained the ability to trace from inside the little tube. Something different happen from being "inside". The flow of energy was seen as Fire or Water or Air or Earth or in Spirit. I was going up and down in fire (for e.g). This went on for the first couple of years. Then I also started seeing the different chakras (beautiful spinning flowers), the lotus and the silver serpent at the crown; the rainbow coloured energy lines surrounding the body which at very high vibration crystalizes into a diamond. Fascinating stuff!
It's this kind of stuff that while I realize is "scenery", I can't help but point to as some sort of desired experience for confirmation of the practices. I realized the other day that one of my struggles with reaching some level of inner energy experiences is the thought of "OK, now what?"
The energy experiences are mildly pleasurable, but nothing profound nor revelatory. At this point mostly a curiosity. With SeySorciere's above description of experiences, it's easy for me to think I am just reading into my experiences for them to be more than they really are, or that I am practicing incorrectly.
This isn't about complaining, rather just another attempt to explain my perspective on the yoga/meditation process. I know I am not alone in this after many conversations with local friends who have or are currently giving meditation a go. Perhaps if these questions don't resonate with others here, they may help a fellow traveler arriving here via Google search.
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quote:
Then I also started seeing the different chakras (beautiful spinning flowers), the lotus and the silver serpent at the crown; the rainbow coloured energy lines surrounding the body which at very high vibration crystalizes into a diamond.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds? One yogis interpretation of spinning flowers could be rationalized by another as visual brain tricks or ambient lighting in the room. Some yogis are more artistically inclined than others. Whatever the explanation, it's hard for me to get too caught up in someone else's experience.
I never could see the shushumna as a silver thread...
quote:
it's easy for me to think I am just reading into my experiences for them to be more than they really are, or that I am practicing incorrectly.
From your journal reports I'm confident you are practicing correctly.
IMHO I see you as lusting after other yogi's outcomes that may or may not be in the cards for you. I say damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead. You always have room with your stable practices to add more and test yourself (did I mention tantra?). From what you've shared, I don't think you've had much overloading. If you quit now you might miss it when it rains frogs![:o)]
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Another thought: if it's visual scenery you seek, practice some yoni mudra kumbaca. The pressure on the eyes and releasing the kumbaca breath always seems to generate some kind of light show!
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Dogboy: no worries on giving up, I apologize if I gave that impression. Just dumping out the brain.
The inner energy right now is so strong and independent, it's kind of humorous that I have doubts or need for scenery! And I mean literally right now, as I type.
Thanks for the reminder on poetic interpretation. Often I can be very scientific and literal in my approach, and expect that from others.
I should be also posting here when I have dramatically deep, still and profoundly quiet moments of mind, spontaneously, and when I laugh out loud for no reason, like a hiccup of joy. Or when I see the squirrels in the yard bouncing around, and finding joy and fascination in their acrobatic and fluid movements, and how they seem to me an extension of the giant oak tree in my yard, one organism, how the space between things is this barrier to perceiving unity.
It's not fair to just harp on my questions and doubts, I need to also share the joys and surprises that keep me squarely on the ongoing path.
Thanks again friend.
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[3] [:D]
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Yoga Recap 2014-10-12
Good week of sits. Much less asana this week. Mostly out of being a bit rushed when waking up. Been going to bed later than I'd like. Oddly, I find some days I sink into a deep stillness more quickly when I skip the asanas.
Sits have had an odd character where I can feel as if I am one moment deeply focused and still, and then next realize I'd been off in a stream of rapid-fire mundane thoughts. Other times, off in that "no memory of thoughts, but not on the mantra" mode.
Life between sits remains good overall. I've noticed a bit of impatience and anger, particularly with one current client of mine. My health remains in flux, feeling OK one day then sick again then next. It can hammer on the equanimity of mood for sure.
I read "Waking Up", a book on spirituality and meditation by atheist Sam Harris this week. Short but interesting book. I was surprised by how much time he had spent off searching for gurus, wasn't expecting that. His basic premise is that spiritual experiences or enlightenment are a function of the nervous system, but the experience is filtered through any religious belief system you may already be immersed in. But the experience is its own thing. Harris brings up the phrase I like so much on this path, "direct experience".
Harris also points out the shortcomings of the claims about spiritual experiences, such as the fallibility of so-called enlightened gurus and the inability of these experiences to enable the experienced to have brought back any specific scientific data that can be tested and replicated in a lab. He does however concede that most scientists are not having these experiences, and his book was intended in part as a call to science-minded folks to have these experiences so they can bring their expertise and perspective to it.
And a big thanks to the fellow AYP members who have reached out, it means a lot and is much appreciated.
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Yoga Recap 2014-10-19
Good week of sits overall. Some days the strength and focus of the inner energy has been quite strong and distinct, as the stillness profoundly deep. Thought s that I am on the verge of breaking through to a deeper level. Which I am starting to think is going to be a persistent feeling on this path! "Just around the corner…"
I've been skipping asanas more often this week, and curiously found the sits to be more deep, still and energetic than anticipated. Typically my asana routine really gets the body relaxed, and mind starting to calm, and the inner energy flowing.
Life between sits remains positive. My health has been improving and I've been getting out for hikes when the time and weather permit. The rain and shorter days make this a concerted effort at times. Mood remains positive, often puzzlingly so — at least to the mind not acclimatized to random moments of unprovoked joy and happiness :)
I've been creating more art, and finding more pleasure in doing so these past few weeks. Less questioning and thinking on yoga topics this week. I finished up Sam Harris's "Waking Up" which was a good read, shorter than I anticipated. I also listened to the audio version of J. Krishnamurti's "Freedom From The Known", which is going to require another listen or an actual read. Lots to digest there. He seems pretty down on yoga/meditation though.
I did have the one core yoga question that has bugged me ever since I first started the practice: if this is such a natural state for humans (I think Yogani refers to it as a "divine right"), why are the techniques so obscure, odd and unintuitive? My intuition says that the physical side of these spiritual techniques are mechanisms which still the body through the nervous system, and from there still the mind. The body may be the biggest distraction one has to keep the mind from going still.
My other theory is that the techniques are misdirection to take one's mind off of thought. I took some glassblowing classes back in college, and the direct manipulation of these extremely dangerously high-temperature globs of molten glass had the curious effect of instantly implanting your awareness into the present moment, into The Now. And even once the danger was somewhat mitigated by one's experience with the materials and tools, in order to create successfully one had to be in constant awareness of and interaction with the molten glass. Constant rotation, constant reintroduction to the heat. The net effect really brought one to this mental state of supreme stillness and focus of mind.
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Hello Yogaman
I have been reading parts of your journal over the last few months. I thought I'd stop and say 'hello'.
Sounds like you're making nice smooth progress.
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Originally posted by Yogaman
I did have the one core yoga question that has bugged me ever since I first started the practice: if this is such a natural state for humans (I think Yogani refers to it as a "divine right"), why are the techniques so obscure, odd and unintuitive?
I thought about that too. I heard a theory once (more speculative than scientific) that humans evolved in very difficult times (glaciations, scarcity of food etc), so there may be a part of our brain - the 'miserable side' of us - that has a tendency to spin and hypothesise/look out for bad occurrences in the world around us. I don't know if this has any validity, but I think there is a more straightforward explanation: every human skill has a born/genetic side and a trained/culturally acquired side. The education/cultural component builds on the genetic one. Both have to be present for the skill to materialise. Articulate language is a good example. It was anything but 'natural' before humans developed it. The ability to acquire it is written in our genes, but it doesn't happen if we, as children, are not exposed to it and encouraged to practice it (the evidence is provided by lost children who grew up outside human culture, by wolves in one case – these individuals had no element of articulated speech whatsoever).
Spiritual unfoldment may be our birth right, but unless it is culturally encouraged and fulfilled, the potential remains unused. All of us who practice yoga and meditation actually contribute to the creation of a cultural trend. And if we humans are blessed with another few hundreds/thousands of years of relative stability, spiritual development might become as natural as articulated speech. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Enjoy your practice [3]
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Blue Raincoat you continue to amaze...[3]
Along with my pranic arousal came the sense of my role as a thread in the Great Fabric. I am operating on ancient drives and cultivated passions, fostering an awareness of Self completely new to me. My body is morphing from the inside out; every single sit stirs energy for the change. Meditation for me now falls in the eating/breathing category.
Imaging the implications for society if this thing goes viral!
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Thank you Dogboy, you are very kind. I like your metaphor - we are all threads in the Great Fabric.
Yes, meditation does feel completely natural when you've got used to it, doesn't it?
And it can go viral. More and more people are doing it. Have you happened to hear of the 'hundredth monkey effect'? Once a critical number in a group adopt a new idea/behaviour, then the whole group adopts it, virtually immediately. It takes time for the critical number to build up. And if that happens with meditation, it will suddenly become a matter of course for everybody. And then, we can only imagine what that society will be like...
[3]
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Yes! Many people/researcher believe that we (but also other animals) have huge potentialities which can be activated (like switching the light on) if somebody finds the trick like the ability to speak: it probably was latent for long time, and someday some humans discoverede that and used that ability for speaking. Think of people who develop the ability to write with their feet because they have no hands - it's no doubt that human feet can write, although we never use that skill.
@ Yogaman: I like your journal, read it every week. Sorry for going OT. :-)
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Originally posted by Yogaman
An interesting description of the visualization experiences over on another thread (http://www.aypsite.com/plus-forum/index.php?topic=14664#124391):
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When I first started SBP, I was quickly able to visualize the spinal nerve as a silver thread and was soon actually seeing the nerve. Then I gained the ability to trace from inside the little tube. Something different happen from being "inside". The flow of energy was seen as Fire or Water or Air or Earth or in Spirit. I was going up and down in fire (for e.g). This went on for the first couple of years. Then I also started seeing the different chakras (beautiful spinning flowers), the lotus and the silver serpent at the crown; the rainbow coloured energy lines surrounding the body which at very high vibration crystalizes into a diamond. Fascinating stuff!
It's this kind of stuff that while I realize is "scenery", I can't help but point to as some sort of desired experience for confirmation of the practices. I realized the other day that one of my struggles with reaching some level of inner energy experiences is the thought of "OK, now what?"
The energy experiences are mildly pleasurable, but nothing profound nor revelatory. At this point mostly a curiosity. With SeySorciere's above description of experiences, it's easy for me to think I am just reading into my experiences for them to be more than they really are, or that I am practicing incorrectly.
Dear Yogaman,
I do not consider chakras as scenery. They are real.
What is NOT true is that seeing chakras and energy and having mystical experiences are signs of an advanced practitioner. They're not. This lead to some confusion for me as well (I have since gained some understanding of Yogani's preached wisdom)because like you what I thought were indications of spiritual progress turned out not to be so when I was experiencing them myself. Spiritual progress is measured in daily life, in the flow of interactions in relationships, in degree of compassion, humility and service. Believe me, I struggle everyday with these ideals of Yamas and Niyamas I have set for myself. I often witness myself put my foot in my mouth and still cannot stop in time.
The feeling here is The more I experience, the less I know.
Enjoy your practices
[/\][/\][OM]
Sey
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Thanks for the replies, I plan on replying later this week. Lots going on this past week and the one upcoming. In the meantime, my weekly yoga recap:
Yoga Recap 2014-10-26
Some very profoundly deep and energetic sits this week. At times I felt yet again as if I were on the brink of reaching a new level. The focus of attention at solar plexus definitely affects the sits. The inner energy was becoming extremely focused at the brow, and also seemed to "move further back" in the throat. Or I am learning to relax the throat more fully. Mula bandha continues to refine and engage the higher sets of pelvic muscles and does so in a more relaxed manner. Attention has wandered quite a bit during these sits.
I keep forgetting to note one of the most odd experiences during sits: imagining scenes/locations/environments from video games. Not actual visualization, just memories of locations in 3D video games like Legend Of Zelda, World Of Warcraft. even more odd is that I'm not really a gamer, although in the past I got into it somewhat. But haven't played for years. I wonder if there is some experience around the time I was playing these games that is being brought to consciousness in some guarded fashion.
Often I have these "catastrophic" imagination tendencies (worst case scenarios). I've come to see some of the more shocking content of my wandering mind as a ploy by the ego to keep me from finding a deeper experience without it, when it senses I may be close to doing so. Sexual fantasy also seems to be a tool used in this regards. I wonder if the video game landscapes are related in any way. If my hypothesis holds any weight, that is!
After meeting a friend last week to discuss a discovered mutual interest in these spiritual subjects, and learning of his experiences with out-of-body-experiences, I read up a bit on the subject. I wasn't aware that "astral travel" or "astral projection" was the same experience. After reading a bunch of articles and Robert Monroe's fascinating "Journeys Out Of The Body" (very objectively approached and scientific, to my liking!), I was struck by how much his descriptions overlapped some of the yogic practices. Monroe even mentions this in the book, that (some) yogic techniques are specifically to reach this state. The classic drawings for the Taoist Alchemy meditative practices with the smaller being emanating from the head of the practitioner came to mind, and indeed the Wikipedia article on astral travel used that exact image.
Monroe speaks of how this so-called astral body or "Second Body" reacts to full-being thoughts, meaning also those in the subconscious — desires and emotions. One "thinks" their way to experiences. Thus, he said it helps to be able to keep the mind focused on one thought, to have discipline. He also talks of how sexual desire can overwhelm one in this state, and the ability to keep that desire in check has huge benefits. These resonated quite a bit for me in the meditation, mantra and pranayama practices.
While I've not read up in depth, the Yoga Nidra state that Swami J focuses on seems to be related to this experience — the body sleeps while the mind remains awake.
It also seems deeply related to the lucid dreaming state. With limited experience with lucid dreams (but direct experience nonetheless, and absolute certainty it exists) and no experiences with out-of-body-experiences, this is pure speculation. But the descriptions seem very similar, although the persistence of character of these different "astral levels" seems to imply something different. That said, I've often "revisited" old dream scenarios and locations throughout my life. Sometimes often in short periods, other times infrequently but spanning decades.
Monroe also speaks of this "silver cord" that connects the Second Body to the Physical Body (the spinal nerve?) as well as learning to find and enter a small point of white light (entering the spinal nerve, as Yogani describes, or the bindu described by Swami J?).
Some of the lead-up physical experiences described prior to leaving the body sound very similar to the descriptions of potential kundalini symptoms — "vibrations" in the body, buzzing/ringing in the ears, jolts of "energy" and others I can't recall now.
Monroe sees his experience as confirming the existence of "the soul" separate from the body, but for me there is still a connection to the body during these experiences. I'm not sure how temporarily leaving the experience of the body proves one doesn't need it. It fact, one seems tethered to the body and easily yanked back into it when sleeping uncomfortably. Monroe's second book was lost on me quickly once he began to explain his experiences in depth. While potentially interesting, they suffered from the lack of any useful information back in the real world.
I'm always wondering, as Sam Harris did in his book "Waking Up", why these experiences don't bring back some information about perhaps the cell, or about the planet, solar system or atoms and such that can be used to point a scientist in a direction that might help corroborate the information. Monroe seemed to be this kind of scientific mind having an esoteric experience and could this bring back some of this kind of information, but instead it seems very "big picture" and theoretical. More practical would be more ideal.
Of course, this is me placing expectations on the experience. It just seems that it would help clear up a lot of nonsense and skepticism around the topic. Big picture stuff is fascinating, but only real to those with direct experience. There needs to be some practical, mundane knowledge that relates to the daily experience of those not experiencing these states.
More roe goes into so much depth and detail about these big picture experiences, so I am focusing on them because he places so much importance on them. I think some mundane insights might go a long way to help get others on this spiritual path.
I do have to say that the bizarre experiences described by Monroe also remind me somewhat of the often-paradoxical descriptions of not only dreams and lucid dreams, but also those reports of people experiencing UFO phenomenon and reports of DMT trips in Strassman's book "DMT: The Spirit Molecule".
Anyways, life between sits (and reading and thinking!) has been good overall. Mood has been up and positive. I've been noticing heightened senses after meditation (sound, smell, sight in particular). The autumn leaves have been a spectacular tapestry to coincide with these senses heightened.
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Yoga Recap 2014-11-02
A good week of sits again. Some quite profound sits actually. Again, feeling as if I am on the verge of reaching a new level of both energy experience, refinement of mudras and bandhas, and stillness/focus. At this point I am starting to think these experiences are what regular meditation "is"!
Life between sits remains positive and at times joyful — often for no specific reason. Quite wonderful. A stark contrast to where my life was even two years ago. Even a year ago most likely.
My schedule has been busy yet again. Less reading this week. Less thinking and analyzing as well. I did have the thought occur to me, while in one of those Random Joy moments mentioned earlier, that perhaps the experiences I am seeking are of an emotional, intuitive nature. Not left-brained, linear, logical, literal, intellectual, informational, and verbal. Perhaps my expectations are misguided (well, I am quite sure of that!).
I read somewhere recently that striving for happiness is pointless because we already are happy — what we really need to do is learn to eliminate the obstacles to happiness we have accrued. I have this recurring thought of "what if you're already enlightened?" That I like to play with at times. Just as meditation isn't really what I had expectations of before I began, I also assume I harbor erroneous expectations about spiritual experiences. Of course, some of those come from the descriptions of others from their direct experiences.
I stumbled upon a new practice I've been trying to make into regular habit — kind of a hybrid between mindfulness and the "write down three things you are grateful for" practice (which is a fascinating practice I've been maintaining each night before bed and highly suggest). When I catch myself not being mindful of the present moment, I aim to find one thing I am grateful for regardless of its simplicity. I've had the thought in the past that thought can often be this subtle disdain for the present moment, as if the present moment isn't good enough, or is being taken for granted. We are often planning, regretting, fantasizing, anticipating, worrying, rehearsing, judging — all of which take place in either the past or the future. This Mental Multitasking is probably about as effective as other types of multitasking (which is to say not at all).
It's so damn addicting to do it though! Part of this weekly journal is a way for me to get these thoughts down in writing, out of the Mental Verbal Loops that play in my head. I learned a long time ago from the book "The Artist's Way" how ineffective one's thinking really is — often we feel we are "really thinking" about something, but once you write it out you find you were only repeating the same superficial thought on the topic over and over. And once written down, it tends to lose its appeal as a ruminating thought.
I've had a similar observation about the Mind. Or more specifically, as author Graham Hancock calls it, Problem-Solving Consciousness. "Ordinary" consciousness. This mind seems to be an inertia-loving system/process. In other words, it likes to maintain whatever it is currently doing — no matter what it is, helpful or harmful. The productivity mantra of "just get started" plays a big factor here. We never want to stop what we are currently doing to do something new, but once we are doing that new thing for a small amount of time, it then becomes that thing that we do not want to stop doing, and so on.
Writing is like this: even this entry, which I assumed would be 3-4 sentences, is now reaching (as usual) extensive proportions. Because I shifted into "just get started", once I got writing the PSC mind then got on board and this became the thing it wanted to do. Meditation as well — how often I sit with little interest in doing so at the moment, only to quickly find myself drawn to the stillness.
I see writing as Productive Thought and typical mind-wandering rumination throughout the day as "Junk Food" Thought — I get a small jolt of energy, dopamine or whatever, but no real mentally nutritional value. Writing is the opposite, the slow burn of dense proteins and healthy fats, slowly unwound into the building blocks of a healthy mind.
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I see writing as Productive Thought and typical mind-wandering rumination throughout the day as "Junk Food" Thought — I get a small jolt of energy, dopamine or whatever, but no real mentally nutritional value. Writing is the opposite, the slow burn of dense proteins and healthy fats, slowly unwound into the building blocks of a healthy mind.
As a writer I definately agree, praise Allah for cut, copy, and paste! [:)]
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Yogaman reading your thoughts feels like "productive thoughts" to me too compared to the "junk food" thoughts I indulge in so much of each day.
Its so awesome in meditation when the thoughts chill out for a bit.
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
quote:
I see writing as Productive Thought and typical mind-wandering rumination throughout the day as "Junk Food" Thought — I get a small jolt of energy, dopamine or whatever, but no real mentally nutritional value. Writing is the opposite, the slow burn of dense proteins and healthy fats, slowly unwound into the building blocks of a healthy mind.
As a writer I definately agree, praise Allah for cut, copy, and paste! [:)]
As a visual artist, we embrace the Control-Z — although at times I wonder if the endless Undo availability hampers the skill to make decisions. Still, I'm not giving it up just yet! :)
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Yoga Recap 2014-11-09
Good week of sits. Reaching some very dynamic energetic states, coupled mostly with deep stillness and focus. Mula bandha and sambhavi mudra are both continuing to refine, becoming stronger and more focused with less effort. The body now seems eager to go to these relaxed states once the process is in motion. Solar centering does seem to have an effect on the inner energy cultivation.
One insight I've had regarding sits (and other habits in general) is how often I'm not so motivated to sit, but once I do I find myself quickly getting into the mood, and then I do not want to stop! It made me realize that the mind is an inertia machine — it prefers to keep doing whatever it is it is currently doing. Helpful or detrimental, it doesn't seem to care or recognize the difference. The mind just prefers to keep doing what it is doing right now. The insight here is to just commit to getting started, and putting 5 minutes/reps/sentences/notes/brushstrokes/etc into action.
You don't need much time to shift the mind over to the next thing it will get attached to, but the shift is where the struggle happens. It's as if we have this impetuous child within, as if we do not evolve our personas but rather accumulate upon an ancient core that cannot be matured, evolved, ignored or reasoned with. We just need to understand how it functions, and find ways to work with it. The real key here is that it will never "go away". We will never "get past" these struggles. Once we learn to accept and work constructively with these ground rules in mind, the easier it is to get past them.
It's easy to think to yourself "I am lazy"and explain these behaviors away. But I don't think there is any "I am" in these behaviors. I think these are artifacts of the structure of mind/brain/body. Once we realize these are impersonal, external to the self, and permanent functional "hard wired" aspects of Mind, then we can stop identifying with them and start looking for solutions to work around them.
These struggles to sit, to exercise, to create — they are not signs of personal flaws, weaknesses or limitations. They are signs that the system is working normally. A bicycle only maintains balance when in motion; this is not a flaw, but an unavoidable and intrinsic aspect of the design. There is only one solution: start pedaling.
Life between sits remains positive. I find myself in this interesting mental state these last weeks and months, where the over-active analyzer seems to be quieter and quieter. That aspect of mind used to be the main character in the inner drama. A paranoid, catastrophic-thinking radar system that believed all input needed to be analyzed for the proper next steps (which ironically often froze itself into inaction). That aspect seems quieter. Often I'm not necessarily aware of peace, but more aware of the lack of the Inner Critic. Or at least a reduction, as it still pops up.
Often when it does, it likes to regain dominance and tell me that we cannot just "go with e flow" — circumstances must be vigilantly manicured! Instead, I am slowly learning that this control is a bit illusory. Of course, we do have some control of circumstance and efforts are required. But I think it's more of a control of our actions, and not the consequences. The inner critic erroneously believes it can control consequences.
Learning about perfectionism and procrastination has been a huge help in this area. Bit of course the daily sits play a big factor as well.
On a personal note, I've been getting a good amount of artwork created lately, finding real momentum and satisfaction with the work itself and not the attention and rewards I used to be focused on (another example of controlling consequences, instead of actions). I've also discovered that oyster mushrooms are quite delicious! Not much in the way of books this week, been bingeing on past episodes of the Mysterious Universe podcast while digitally drawing.
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Yoga recap 2014-11-16
Intense sits all week for the most part. Experiencing strong, distinct and focused inner energy, particularly in the evening sits which are typically preceded by my minimal asana set. There is absolutely no question that the asanas encourage these energy experiences/sensations. Even lying in corpse pose for a few minutes will cultivate this energy sensation now.
Mudras and bandhas during pranayama are becoming further and further refined — they are becoming stronger, more distinct, and require less effort than before. This has been going on for a week or more, but it continue to deepen. Energy sensations in the brow can be quite strong at times. Lots of automatic yoga movements in the head and neck.
Two unique experiences this week. First, during my asanas one day I was doing a backwards spinal stretch, and at one point I noticed a "tone" in my hearing that is not usually there (I have tinnitus, and during asanas/meditation I often hear tones but I think they are just furnace sounds I be ever paid attention to before). Anyways, after the tone began a slight and subtle sensation traveled up the spine, to the back of the head. Almost as if a slight trickle of water were poured on my back. Neither warm nor cold, and no unique experiences during or after. But very obvious and not something I've experienced to date.
The second one was a sensation during either pranayama or meditation where the inner energy was moving around within, and reached a spot in the lower back right area of my skull. It was quite strong, focused/concentrated and a bit of a dull throbbing pain. Not agonizing, but like a concentrated headache. I've had these in the past too. This one was just particularly pronounced.
These increased energetic experiences have led to or are coupled with some sits with extremely deep and profound stillness. The body in particular is definitely becoming acclimatized to all of this, and seems to just head towards stillness once I get the sit going. Often this begins during asanas. Particularly during kneeling seat, where I can also begin to experience quite strong inner energy sensations.
The stilling body then seems to lead the mind into stillness. Not always, but more and more than in the past. I still get monkey mind and wandering mind, but less and less.
I've noticed a bit more impatience and irritability in myself this week, but also a lot of spontaneous joy and laughter at and about the mundane — including myself and my behaviors. I've noticed increased focus on my work and my art, my creativity. Less obsession with the external world and trying to extract approval and attention from it. It's as if I am more focused on contributing to the outside world than taking from it.
It seems my Inner Scientist/Logician has been on vacation or at least satisfied with my direct experiences as of late. Less speculation and analysis as was the case last week as well. I've come to wonder if perhaps those of us more heavily weighted on the rational side of the brain have a very different experience of these practices than those living in the intuitive side. The verbal versus the emotional. I have a suspicion that part of meditation is to exist more often and [more] fully in the non-verbal, emotional side/parts of the brain.
I wonder if early life circumstances drove aspects of my self into hiding behind the armor of logic and facts. Reading up on perfectionism has revealed how these perfectionist defense systems are aspects of ourselves we are ashamed to accept or allow into the light of consciousness. Hence the concept of "integrating the psyche". I wonder if there is an aspect of self which I've secreted away in the non-verbal. I wonder if meditation unlocks that chamber. And if so, I wonder what I've put in there, and why.
On a personal note, I am heading out to visit my brother this week and can't wait to have a bunch of time to spend with my almost -three-year-old niece. Before I leave I'll be setting up an elm oyster mushroom growing kit. Seems like the perfect indoor gardening experiment for these cold months. My grow boxes outdoors this summer were a big success and quite an enjoyable experience, even if the yields left much to be desired. I discovered that the process was as rewarding as the fruits, which of course is what we are all striving for with the meditation and yoga.
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quote:
I wonder if early life circumstances drove aspects of my self into hiding behind the armor of logic and facts. Reading up on perfectionism has revealed how these perfectionist defense systems are aspects of ourselves we are ashamed to accept or allow into the light of consciousness. Hence the concept of "integrating the psyche". I wonder if there is an aspect of self which I've secreted away in the non-verbal. I wonder if meditation unlocks that chamber. And if so, I wonder what I've put in there, and why.
It is a wonder, eh Yogaman? All your steadfast efforts are bearing fruit. Welcome aboard the Prana Express!
If irritability accelerates too, you may have to "dial down" a bit.
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
It seems my Inner Scientist/Logician has been on vacation or at least satisfied with my direct experiences as of late. Less speculation and analysis as was the case last week as well. I've come to wonder if perhaps those of us more heavily weighted on the rational side of the brain have a very different experience of these practices than those living in the intuitive side. The verbal versus the emotional. I have a suspicion that part of meditation is to exist more often and [more] fully in the non-verbal, emotional side/parts of the brain.
Fullness. Wholeness. Completeness. [OM]
Thank you for sharing your fine eye for detail. [/\]
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Thanks for the #thought Dogboy and Bodhi. I've been traveling and visiting family.
My recap covers some of the recent experiences. I didn't have time to post last week's recap, but it was short and rushed. I'm a creature of habit and this extended visit has thrown me off a bit.
Yoga Recap 2014-11-30
Another curious week of sits. Inner energy continues to be eager to focus, remaining strong and distinct throughout the sit. Stillness and focus during meditation remain overall very strong and deep as well.
My routine hasn't been very consistent with the traveling and the cold which came on this week. But I've maintained meditation and pranayama where possible. Asanas have been far more sporadic. A sprained ankle has played a factor there as well.
This extended visit with my brother and his family has been enlightening. While they have been very welcoming, I am realizing that I just prefer my solitude and autonomy. My journal entries from a year ago reflected this and I seemed to have not looked back over them before scheduling this trip.
I've noticed that the ego does not like change. In fact, change seems to reveal to the ego how arbitrary it really is, and a novel environment stripped of schedule, routine and habit drive this point home even further.
I've also noticed after spending time with my 3-year-old niece how closely her behavior resembles that of the raw egoic "monkey mind" — a distinct lack of time perception, abstract reasoning, subtlety, nuance. She likes to keep doing what she's currently doing, unless some new distraction supplants the current one. She likes to repeat things that are fun and familiar. She mimics behavior that engenders positive responses, she take everything literally. The emotions can overwhelm her, turning her into a completely different entity only to return to her more consistent self once those emotions subside.
There is no reasoning with her. I joke that she's like a mob boss, and everyone around is walking on eggshells to ensure her mood remains positive and her whims are met promptly and without fail.
I see so much of this emerging ego in my observations of mind that I am suspecting that we do not grow out of younger selves, but stack and best these psychic structures like Russian dolls.
My trip is thankfully ending in a few days. I didn't fully realize how much I enjoy and perhaps rely on my solitude when planning this trip to see my brother, my favorite person in the world.
In a sense, I feel as if I've not lived up to this challenge of change. Quickly I yearned to be back in my familiar patterns, habits, routines, self. I came out here with high intentions to do otherwise.
I'm looking forward to being back to my familiar, and exploring this yet deeper level of energy, focus and stillness I seem to have unlocked during my time away.
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There is no reasoning with her. I joke that she's like a mob boss, and everyone around is walking on eggshells to ensure her mood remains positive and her whims are met promptly and without fail.
I see so much of this emerging ego in my observations of mind that I am suspecting that we do not grow out of younger selves, but stack and best these psychic structures like Russian dolls.
Your niece has given you this gift to take home with you!
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Originally posted by Yogaman
I've noticed that the ego does not like change. In fact, change seems to reveal to the ego how arbitrary it really is, and a novel environment stripped of schedule, routine and habit drive this point home even further.
Just a recommendation regarding ego...
Be careful about speaking of "the ego" as if it's some demonic entity that is pitted against you. It's not. The ego is your best friend. Quite a few teachers will use the gimmick of ego-as-enemy, but I have found that to be far from true. After all, isn't the inner ego voice used to utter the mantra silently and release samyama sutras? The ego is the vehicle of enlightenment, and like any other vehicle, it can be twisted, contorted, and dysfunctional, but that does not make it inherently problematic. The only problem is HOW we use it. To say: "The ego does not like change" is only a fleeting description--at best, because actually, the ego can like change very much. If the ego is anything, it's holographic, which is: reflective of Self, multi-dimensional, prismatic, and open to change. See?
Thank you for your ongoing genius. [/\]
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
My journal entries from a year ago reflected this and I seemed to have not looked back over them before scheduling this trip.
Hi Yogaman,
It sounds like you're doing very well [:)] I could scarcely survive two hours at my mom's house this Thanksgiving. Very good to hear you are with your favorite person.
I also tend to forget discoveries about myself. It's actually good to do so, since that allows the process its natural progression.
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I also tend to forget discoveries about myself.
When I discover that this has happened to me (which it frequently does), I just ironically reassure myself with the observation that I've forgotten more about spirituality than you've ever known. Spoken in a boasting, gnarly, superior tone, ala a Will Ferrell character. I get a kick out of the fact that no one else is actually in the room. And it takes my mind off the thick-headedness evidenced by my constant back-tracking.
That's why I keep a journal. Very non-chatty, very spare. I just include stuff I suspect might be both helpful and forgotten in the future. A breadcrumb trail for myself.
The trick is not to just use it to ramble on and on with spiritual thoughts which no one - least of all me - would ever want to read. Keep it really really terse and infrequent. Just vital stuff.
I find the act of setting it into writing also helps me deepen the insight.
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Hi Jim,
Yes, a spiritual journal is a good idea! I've kept one for about six months and also use some AYP posts to keep me appraised on what I've forgotten about myself. And I can relate... when I look back on my writings, I sometimes think, "how did I lose sight of this?" My writing is far from terse, but hey, we all have our challenges, right?
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What I'm suggesting is more a functional set of notes than a diary. A diary is a fine outlet for personal expression, but what I'm suggesting isn't a service for the out-putter, but for the (future) in-putter. Different mission entirely, and IMO they can't be effectively combined.
So maybe I shouldn't have used the word "journal", which has other associations. If that's what you're into, nothing wrong with that. But it's a tediously inefficient means of keeping hard-won insights at hand. So you might want to keep another document around which is just pointers, crib notes, and don't-forgets.
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Originally posted by Dogboy
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There is no reasoning with her. I joke that she's like a mob boss, and everyone around is walking on eggshells to ensure her mood remains positive and her whims are met promptly and without fail.
I see so much of this emerging ego in my observations of mind that I am suspecting that we do not grow out of younger selves, but stack and best these psychic structures like Russian dolls.
Your niece has given you this gift to take home with you!
Indeed! A lovely perspective.
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Originally posted by Bodhi Tree
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Originally posted by Yogaman
I've noticed that the ego does not like change. In fact, change seems to reveal to the ego how arbitrary it really is, and a novel environment stripped of schedule, routine and habit drive this point home even further.
Just a recommendation regarding ego...
Be careful about speaking of "the ego" as if it's some demonic entity that is pitted against you. It's not. The ego is your best friend. Quite a few teachers will use the gimmick of ego-as-enemy, but I have found that to be far from true. After all, isn't the inner ego voice used to utter the mantra silently and release samyama sutras? The ego is the vehicle of enlightenment, and like any other vehicle, it can be twisted, contorted, and dysfunctional, but that does not make it inherently problematic. The only problem is HOW we use it. To say: "The ego does not like change" is only a fleeting description--at best, because actually, the ego can like change very much. If the ego is anything, it's holographic, which is: reflective of Self, multi-dimensional, prismatic, and open to change. See?
Thank you for your ongoing genius. [/\]
I don't see the ego as a demonic entity or as being pitted against me. But your comment does help me to realize that it's not "Ego" that has this intrinsic nature, rather it's my particular ego, and at this particular period of time that I am describing. A very important distinction! Thanks.
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Originally posted by Anima Deorum
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Originally posted by Yogaman
My journal entries from a year ago reflected this and I seemed to have not looked back over them before scheduling this trip.
Hi Yogaman,
It sounds like you're doing very well [:)] I could scarcely survive two hours at my mom's house this Thanksgiving. Very good to hear you are with your favorite person.
I also tend to forget discoveries about myself. It's actually good to do so, since that allows the process its natural progression.
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Yes that is why I keep this journal. Often change can happen at the rate we acclimatize to it, making it invisible to us.
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Originally posted by Jim and His Karma
What I'm suggesting is more a functional set of notes than a diary. A diary is a fine outlet for personal expression, but what I'm suggesting isn't a service for the out-putter, but for the (future) in-putter. Different mission entirely, and IMO they can't be effectively combined.
So maybe I shouldn't have used the word "journal", which has other associations. If that's what you're into, nothing wrong with that. But it's a tediously inefficient means of keeping hard-won insights at hand. So you might want to keep another document around which is just pointers, crib notes, and don't-forgets.
I too do the "crib notes" approach. "Just the facts, ma'am". These weekly posts are where I set aside time to reflect and think into the experiences. The writing often takes on a life of its own once I get started.
These entries started out being personal entries, and I thought I'd start sharing them here. Normally I wouldn't flood a forum with such lengthy stuff.
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Yoga Recap 2014-12-07
Another good week of sits overall. The intensity and focus experienced during my flights and time at Greg's has dwindled somewhat, but part of that may be due to a lowered mood since getting home and getting back into the swing of things. Been a bit distracted during sits, and a bit less enthusiastic.
I did have one interesting experience where some sexual arousal occurred, and as the erection began to form, the mula bandha began to engage somewhat by habit. I could sense the "energy" or "focus" of the physical arousal divert and mingle with the energy flow sensations along the spine, resulting from the spinal breathing pranayama practice. Even though the literal-minded scientist in me "knows" that erections are the flow of blood into the penis, I can't deny the subjective experience of that energy seeming to divert. I had expected the same experience to return at the evening meditation and it did not, nor has it since. I did have some vivid sexual dreams the night before that experience.
Life between sits remains mostly positive, despite the slight dip in mood and motivation since returning home to my routines.
I found it interesting how being out of my familiar surroundings, habits, patterns and routines for nearly two weeks really shook up my sense of self. It was very apparent that for me, what I do is highly equated with who I am — or at least who I see myself as, or the persona I identify with. I suppose this can be paralleled to some degree with a retreat. I even perceived the time away as a meditation of sorts, a break in the repetition of life.
It was interesting how "addicted" I am to being "me". Or at least the one current version. I felt similar pangs of anxiety to get back to my old patterns. I felt a sense of losing identity with the disruption in routine, the lack of autonomy. "What we do" seems in a way a physical expression of "what we tell ourselves", and by extension who we see ourselves as — or perhaps who we tell ourselves we are.
Vacations and retreats seem therefore a slight ego-death experience. Both require a few days for the new experience to settle in after the initial excitement, then a few more days to adjust to new patterns — both physically and psychologically. Eventually one realizes that so-called habits and compulsions are a bunch of illusions. Patterns fueled by momentum and fear of or resistance to change. A resistance only powered by the desire to maintain the momentum of the current pattern — regardless of its beneficial or detrimental nature. Given enough time, we will begin identifying with the new patterns and disdain the return to the old — again only because said return would be a change in the current pattern, not because of any intrinsic quality of the former behaviors.
One example of this is my daily ritual of drinking coffee. I felt as if I "needed" or at least "really wanted" a cup of coffee in the morning. Because my hosts no longer drank coffee, but had tea, I decided to try tea as a morning drink (which I had been considering for a while anyways). Soon enough, the cup of tea became my new ritual, my new habit, my new identity. My new me. I discovered also that I really like Earl Grey tea, which I'd never tried prior.
It didn't take long. Perhaps 5 days and I was in my new routine. My new me. I equate this somewhat with my earlier observation that it takes about 5 minutes to overcome the resistance to activity change (the addiction to maintaining the momentum of the current activity). Of course, this is in an environment where I had surrendered much control, was in completely new surroundings for the entire duration, and didn't have to worry much about food, shelter or money.
I've read about Vipassana retreats where they last 10 days, and you are required to stay the entire duration once you begin. I can see why. As mentioned above, the real work doesn't even begin until the new environment sinks in after at least 2-3 days. You then need some time to really live with the uncomfortableness of the changes to habits and patterns, both mental and physical. I wouldn't doubt that retreats are primarily designed to do this, with the opportunity for extended meditations being a side-benefit.
As mentioned earlier, the added benefit of spending time with my three year-old niece added to the meditation on identity. Seeing her relative inability to project experiences forward in time (delayed gratification) as well as compare and contrast the past to the present (memory, and persistence of self/identity) was illuminating. One might superficially say she was "living in the moment", but to me she was not. She was the embodiment of mind — that intemperate, impatient, fearful, self-centered and easily distracted but not easily changed drive to "do something".
The patience with which I've learned to observe and perceive my mind was directly applied to my niece, and I realized that how one treats children is how one treats themselves. The three year-old self never "goes away" or "grows up", we just accumulate more identity and abstraction upon it. It was great to see my brother have so much patience and presence with his daughter — for her sake, and for his own.
I had a hint of this insight a few weeks prior to my trip, when I realized that as a child, the treatment I received from my father had nothing to do with me — it was his own self-talk, directed at his inner three year-old, externalized and repackaged for his child. It was the only way he knew to deal with that irrational identity, and something he most likely learned (or more accurately, was conditioned to believe).
By the end of the trip, I saw no difference between my niece's incessant mantra of "more pasta" and my desire for "more of the same" — habits, thoughts, patterns, momentum, and in the end, identity.
"More me!"
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By the end of the trip, I saw no difference between my niece's incessant mantra of "more pasta" and my desire for "more of the same" — habits, thoughts, patterns, momentum, and in the end, identity.
Great vacation!
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I did have one interesting experience where some sexual arousal occurred, and as the erection began to form, the mula bandha began to engage somewhat by habit. I could sense the "energy" or "focus" of the physical arousal divert and mingle with the energy flow sensations along the spine, resulting from the spinal breathing pranayama practice. Even though the literal-minded scientist in me "knows" that erections are the flow of blood into the penis, I can't deny the subjective experience of that energy seeming to divert.
Expect more of this, expect it to intensify. Sometimes my perineum is fluttering like hummingbird wings. Might be a good time to review some tantra techniques. You will be tested about what to do about the intensity. Ask guru for guidence!
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On the note of changing behavioral/thought patterns (and loosening identification with them), here is a nifty little animation that illustrates the trajectory of going from the comfort zone, to the learning zone, and finally, to the magic zone:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HhFxQlDPjaY&feature=youtu.be
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I only occasionally visit the forums. I did so yesterday and found your journal. I read it from start to finish. It is like a good book -- a page turner -- hard to put down till the end.
I started AYP practices about six months after you and have been very consistent. My current set of practices are similar to yours. My progress and experience has also been quite similar.
I am inspired by your all your readings (I have a list of your links and book references to explore).
I wish you success in your quest for more demonstrable results -- and good luck with those shrooms (I've had good luck growing a different variety!)
With affection,
Larry
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Welcome back to the forum Larry
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Originally posted by Dogboy
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By the end of the trip, I saw no difference between my niece's incessant mantra of "more pasta" and my desire for "more of the same" — habits, thoughts, patterns, momentum, and in the end, identity.
Great vacation!
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I did have one interesting experience where some sexual arousal occurred, and as the erection began to form, the mula bandha began to engage somewhat by habit. I could sense the "energy" or "focus" of the physical arousal divert and mingle with the energy flow sensations along the spine, resulting from the spinal breathing pranayama practice. Even though the literal-minded scientist in me "knows" that erections are the flow of blood into the penis, I can't deny the subjective experience of that energy seeming to divert.
Expect more of this, expect it to intensify. Sometimes my perineum is fluttering like hummingbird wings. Might be a good time to review some tantra techniques. You will be tested about what to do about the intensity. Ask guru for guidence!
Thank you, good to know. I've already had intermittent experiences with the fluttering you mention.
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Originally posted by Bodhi Tree
On the note of changing behavioral/thought patterns (and loosening identification with them), here is a nifty little animation that illustrates the trajectory of going from the comfort zone, to the learning zone, and finally, to the magic zone:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HhFxQlDPjaY&feature=youtu.be
Nice overview, good info. Resonates with the stuff I've been inundating myself with lately. Much of this stuff seems to relate to the perspective we take, the definitions we use, and the be,ideas we cling to. Most of these are not fixed at all, as we tend to treat them. They are rather fluid and malleable. We tend to cling to this "persona momentum" as well — I am "this" because I've done "that" for so long. We tend to totally forget that all of the "that" behavior is arbitrary and we can change our minds at any time.
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Originally posted by Lar
I only occasionally visit the forums. I did so yesterday and found your journal. I read it from start to finish. It is like a good book -- a page turner -- hard to put down till the end.
I started AYP practices about six months after you and have been very consistent. My current set of practices are similar to yours. My progress and experience has also been quite similar.
I am inspired by your all your readings (I have a list of your links and book references to explore).
I wish you success in your quest for more demonstrable results -- and good luck with those shrooms (I've had good luck growing a different variety!)
With affection,
Larry
Great to hear Larry, and thank you for the kind words. It's nice to know these posts are worth sharing here. I too am very intermittent here and sometimes feel my participation is a bit one-sided. It's funny how little time one has once you start focusing on and actually doing the things you want to do!
Very interesting on the parallel experiences and timeframe. I sometimes have deep doubts about all of this, and it's good to know there's a fellow traveler on this journey weather the same rocky passes and persisting through the dark skies until the sun comes back again.
My mushroom "farm" is just about ready to start fruiting. I'm definitely going to continue this hobby, and expand into other varieties. This seems way more up my alley than my gardening, although I'll be continuing that as well. Mushrooms have a fascinating life cycle, and it's far easier to maintain environmental control and see success. My garden went pretty good for a first-timer, but man there is some tough competition out there!
I am fascinated by the decompositional nature of the mushroom kingdom — the stomach of the Earth. In a way it reminds me of yoga/meditation: we build this network of mycelium deep within, using as fuel the old and the dead parts (simultaneously ensuring they don't sit around cluttering up the place). And when ready, the fruits come forth to repeat the cycle.
The parallels in imagery with concepts of inner energy, prana and kundalini/crown chakra depictions as well as the growth pattern, physical structure and appearance of mushroom fruits helps too :)
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Yoga Recap 2014-12-14
A decent week of sits. They didn't have the intensity of sits from the previous week/weeks, particularly during my California trip visit my brother. That said, the sits have overall been good. The end of the week found me having some deep, still sits that I was also anxious to wrap up. It's so odd how one can be so focused on achieving some proficiency at a practice, and then once we do it no longer captures our attention. See also: learning guitar.
I set up a more detailed meditation spreadsheet table in my general health and fitness tracking spreadsheet. Previously I tracked only date, duration and a general 5-star rating. Now I am tracking the specific time for sits, the inclusion of asanas, samyama, yoni mudra khumbaka, the presence of any automatic yoga, the individual rating of meditation and pranayama, as well as ratings for focus, inner energy, stillness, restlessness and mind-wandering. The latter being the conditions I most often note in my daily meditation sit notes. Lastly, a space for notes.
These ratings are intended only to be able to go back and chart some general trends in my sits over time. I've been tracking the other health stuff for over a year or more now and still have yet to actually chart anything, but without the data I can never do so. It also helps me focus on the practice and reflect on it after a sit.
Much like my daily recaps, it's less about the content and more about the habit and establishing the experience in writing to better embed it in my psyche. Some might call it bhakti. I find that little rituals and routines like this help to establish a solid core of "someone who does this thing", be it meditation, exercise or eating more healthily. I also seem to just enjoy tracking and recording this kind of data!
Life between sits remains overall positive. I've been speaking with the tail end of a cold I caught out in California, and I've been slow to get my motivation back since returning. This is where habits and routines help — if don't think, I just do. Referring back to my insight as of a few weeks ago that the mind (or more specifically my mind) likes to resist any change at all, but even just 5 minutes of the new activity seems to shift the mind into accepting the new activity as the thing it longer wants to stop doing. In that light I've just been putting my focus on maintaining these routines.
I did have the thought that meditation has become one of the routines that I do not like to skip above the rest. And I wondered if it was because of the meditation experience and results, or if my perfectionist mind just likes (obsesses) about not breaking the streak.
It has been just about one year since the inner energy experiences started for me. I had some vague stirrings in the Autumn/Winter of 2013, with a significant experience of the energy "detaching" from (or further expanding away from) the pelvic area and becoming more free floating within the torso occurring right around the Winter Solstice. I was still using the breath as my focus back then.
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Originally posted by Yogaman
Yoga Recap 2014-11-09
One insight I've had regarding sits (and other habits in general) is how often I'm not so motivated to sit, but once I do I find myself quickly getting into the mood, and then I do not want to stop! It made me realize that the mind is an inertia machine — it prefers to keep doing whatever it is it is currently doing. Helpful or detrimental, it doesn't seem to care or recognize the difference. The mind just prefers to keep doing what it is doing right now. The insight here is to just commit to getting started, and putting 5 minutes/reps/sentences/notes/brushstrokes/etc into action.
You don't need much time to shift the mind over to the next thing it will get attached to, but the shift is where the struggle happens. It's as if we have this impetuous child within, as if we do not evolve our personas but rather accumulate upon an ancient core that cannot be matured, evolved, ignored or reasoned with. We just need to understand how it functions, and find ways to work with it. The real key here is that it will never "go away". We will never "get past" these struggles. Once we learn to accept and work constructively with these ground rules in mind, the easier it is to get past them.
It's easy to think to yourself "I am lazy"and explain these behaviors away. But I don't think there is any "I am" in these behaviors. I think these are artifacts of the structure of mind/brain/body. Once we realize these are impersonal, external to the self, and permanent functional "hard wired" aspects of Mind, then we can stop identifying with them and start looking for solutions to work around them.
These struggles to sit, to exercise, to create — they are not signs of personal flaws, weaknesses or limitations. They are signs that the system is working normally. A bicycle only maintains balance when in motion; this is not a flaw, but an unavoidable and intrinsic aspect of the design. There is only one solution: start pedaling.
Life between sits remains positive. I find myself in this interesting mental state these last weeks and months, where the over-active analyzer seems to be quieter and quieter. That aspect of mind used to be the main character in the inner drama. A paranoid, catastrophic-thinking radar system that believed all input needed to be analyzed for the proper next steps (which ironically often froze itself into inaction). That aspect seems quieter. Often I'm not necessarily aware of peace, but more aware of the lack of the Inner Critic. Or at least a reduction, as it still pops up.
Often when it does, it likes to regain dominance and tell me that we cannot just "go with e flow" — circumstances must be vigilantly manicured! Instead, I am slowly learning that this control is a bit illusory. Of course, we do have some control of circumstance and efforts are required. But I think it's more of a control of our actions, and not the consequences. The inner critic erroneously believes it can control consequences.
Learning about perfectionism and procrastination has been a huge help in this area. Bit of course the daily sits play a big factor as well.
On a personal note, I've been getting a good amount of artwork created lately, finding real momentum and satisfaction with the work itself and not the attention and rewards I used to be focused on (another example of controlling consequences, instead of actions). I've also discovered that oyster mushrooms are quite delicious! Not much in the way of books this week, been bingeing on past episodes of the Mysterious Universe podcast while digitally drawing.
I can resonate so much with this man, it is absolutely spot on. And it has given me the important insight that the mind is indeed an inertia machine. I have a problem with procrastination that I often saw as a flaw but am now starting to view it differently.
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@ak33 Definitely check out the iProcrastinate podcast. I had erroneous notions of what procrastination and perfectionism really were. Procrastination is a tool to avoid stuff — change, facing fears or anxieties, facing outcomes that we may be judged negatively on. It stems from perfectionism for many, myself included. Because we identify these outcomes with out self-worth, we fear expressing them at any level other than perfect. Since that is impossible, we either put it off (indefinitely) or avoid it altogether.
I can't express how much this knowledge has helped me this past year.
Glad the writings have been helpful to you.
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Yoga Recap 2014-12-21
A quite noticeable and profound shift in the meditation sits this week. A culmination of the growing experience over the past couple months and particularly the past few weeks. Initially most noticeable in the inner energy sensations, but as of the past few days, this has expanded into deep stillness (the dynamic stillness mentioned by Yogani in the AYP lessons for sure) both in the mental and physical aspects.
The spinal breathing sensations have become very distinct, strong and also more refined and subtle. Mula bandha and sambhavi mudra continue to deepen in control and connection between the two. Mula bandha continues to refine and engage musculature higher up in the pelvic/abdominal region. Sambhavi mudra seems to have shifted to a slightly different place, a bit more up and back than where it used to be felt. Deeper in the skull basically. Just slightly. Overall the inner energy feels more "full" and "thick", but not thick in the sense of dense. Just occupying more area. Like a foam that has expanded, the rise of bread due to fermentation of the yeast.
It seems to me that these changes in sensations are directly related to that experience of a few weeks ago when I experience the shift of the sexual energy move from the erection to the "spinal nerve"(the inner energy along the spine). When that happened I first noticed that shift in the sambhavi mudra sensation. One of those aha moments where you feel it all engage and think "now THAT is what they were talking about". Of course, those experiences seem to repeat in cascading cycles along this path!
All of these experiences are primarily physical, but they do bring about deep focus and stillness of body and mind. I mentioned elsewhere this week that when I started meditation, I tried to still the body with the mind, and now I still the mind with the body! This all starts with asanas. Speaking of, kneeling seat asana really amplifies these spinal energy sensations (always has), as well as sambhavi mudra and mula bandha.
Anyways, the meditation sits have been reaching some quite profoundly deep and still — and perhaps even blissful — experiential states. These are quite repeatable, although I've noticed that this seems to come and go in waves in yoga practices. But for now, it's al, quite expected for me when I sit to feel these sensations and be able to repeat the states. I even find the mula bandha and sambhavi mudra spinal energy to express itself randomly throughout the day, often lulling me into a small and short reverie of sorts.
I had one great experience this week of note. I was at the grocery store, and a bit mindlessly leaving as I noticed my mind rattling off judgmental criticisms about the people I passed. Instead of defaulting to identity fixation with these thoughts, I literally shook my had, laughed to myself at this "negative friend" I always seem to hang out with, and why he's the way he is! It had the nature of "he's a good guy, he's just a bit insecure and that makes him defensive and ego-protecting, and it comes out as criticizing others… but if you got to know him you'd like him"! Lie this little kid who you wish would grow up a bit. It was very liberating. I find myself still laughing about this cranky guy in me, and wonder why he's like that. Just as I do not need to act like a cranky physical friend, I do not need to act like a cranky "inner friend". Just because he is like that doesn't mean I have to as well.
Life between sits remains positive and healthy. The cold I got while visiting family is finally subsiding. I'm finally settling back into my routines here, getting art created and more time devoted to my new mycology hobby. The oyster mushrooms are just do starting to fruit. I also started up two small jars of homemade sauerkraut to launch my fermentation experiments. I just finished Michael Pollan's "Cooked" and he got me wanting to make my own fermented foods — sauerkraut, bread and beer. I've a,ways wanted to make my own beer to really understand how it works, and I like the idea of being able to bake my own bread. It seems such an intrinsic aspect of being a civilized human, might as well have first-hand knowledge. I guess in a way this is my "food yoga". Direct experience!
On a side note, Pollan's books on food are all superb. I recommend them all. I used to be clueless about food, now I am voraciously interested in learning, doing and knowing all I can. I came to eating healthy and yoga initially due to some periods of deep and growing depression. I had the thought the other day that the deeper I am involved in as much of the process of my food as I can, the further away the depression gets. Of course, I've also been meditating the entire time as well, so it's tough to say.
Food Yoga. I like it!
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It seems to me that these changes in sensations are directly related to that experience of a few weeks ago when I experience the shift of the sexual energy move from the erection to the "spinal nerve"(the inner energy along the spine). When that happened I first noticed that shift in the sambhavi mudra sensation. One of those aha moments where you feel it all engage and think "now THAT is what they were talking about". Of course, those experiences seem to repeat in cascading cycles along this path!
The erection of the shushumna!
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But for now, it's al, quite expected for me when I sit to feel these sensations and be able to repeat the states. I even find the mula bandha and sambhavi mudra spinal energy to express itself randomly throughout the day, often lulling me into a small and short reverie of sorts.
This is what I love about yoga, how it spills off of meditation into the every day. Each and every moment holds the potential of blissful energy.
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Originally posted by Dogboy
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It seems to me that these changes in sensations are directly related to that experience of a few weeks ago when I experience the shift of the sexual energy move from the erection to the "spinal nerve"(the inner energy along the spine). When that happened I first noticed that shift in the sambhavi mudra sensation. One of those aha moments where you feel it all engage and think "now THAT is what they were talking about". Of course, those experiences seem to repeat in cascading cycles along this path!
The erection of the shushumna!
quote:
But for now, it's al, quite expected for me when I sit to feel these sensations and be able to repeat the states. I even find the mula bandha and sambhavi mudra spinal energy to express itself randomly throughout the day, often lulling me into a small and short reverie of sorts.
This is what I love about yoga, how it spills off of meditation into the every day. Each and every moment holds the potential of blissful energy.
So I am not alone in seeing the symbolism of the meditator sitting with crossed legs as a metaphoric erection. I suspected I wasn't, but nice to have some external validation.
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Yoga Recap 2014-12-28
An uneven week of sits, which unsurprisingly correlates to an uneven state of mind this week. Some days saw incredibly deep, profound, focused and energetic sits, while others were average at best, filled with mind-wandering and restlessness, both mental and physical. A bit of a letdown from the previous two weeks of profoundly still and energetic sits. The end of the week saw them slowly return.
The uneven state of mind is no doubt a factor. The holidays are on average usually positive for me, but this year I felt a bit slighted by my mom. I also acted a bit passive-aggressively towards her, which doesn't help matters much. I can see in hindsight that it all comes down to my desire to control external circumstances. That doesn't mean I wasn't being taken for granted, but it does mean that I didn't work to master the one aspect I can control: my thoughts and reactions to those circumstances. Sometimes I forget the Stoic mindset when the emotions get riled up.
When sits have been good, I am still finding deep stillness in body and mind. I can literally feel the stillness arise in the body, and that usually carries the mind along with it. As usual, the Kneeling Seat asana posture does this quite obviously. I've also noticed quite distinct and strong inner energy and automatic yoga during samyama — did I mention I added those back into the routine a few weeks ago? They seem to be going better this time around.
After recording a podcast episode with a friend on the topic of habits — in which I suggest the "bookend" habits of making the bed in the morning and keeping a clean sink before going to bed each night — it got me thinking of how the more involved I become in the process of growing, preparing, eating, and cleaning up after my food and meals, the happier I've become. Of course, this also coincides with meditation, regular walking/hiking and exercise. But for some reason the food really stands out to me.
I had the thought of "food yoga", where one has the perspective of food and eating not as chores or necessities but as a desired activity. I expressed this to some relatives with the phrase "food is my hobby". The idea being that if your hobbies and interests overlap with activities you have to do anyways, you can make your life simpler. It got me thinking about how the society we live in conditions us to desire the outsourcing of living our lives to corporations. We barely have to do anything to survive these days, and it has all been abstracted away from our experience. My re-reading of Michael Pollan's latest book in his "food series", "On Cooking", no doubt played a large role in these thoughts.
I'm now taking this even further past the washing dishes stage, on to the waste I produce. Looking into worm composting, which seems an ideal solution for someone not looking to start an actual compost pile int he yard (I am a renter). This all seems to be reflected in a quote by naturalist/philosopher John Muir I stumbled upon last night:
"When we try to pick out any thing by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe."
That quote was found in an interesting book I am reading, "The Antidote". The basic premise is based on that saying that "happiness is the absence of striving for happiness". The author so far has touched upon many topics of interest to me such as meditation, Stoicism and at the same time is a bit critical of others I find interest in, like positive thinking and goal-setting. His approach is more that there needs to be a healthy balance of these things, and that includes some approaches one might consider "negative". I'm not even halfway through but I think anyone on the path of meditation might find the book of interest.
Speaking of self-development, my last Big Thought of the week is actually an old thought, one that popped up in an Evernote search. The basic idea was that the chakra symbolism seems to correlate with the major components of self-mastery:
1. anger/aggressiveness/self-control
2. sexual
3. food/gluttony (navel)
4. pride/ego/selfishness (heart/solar plexus)
5. lying/evil speech/gossip (throat)
6. reckless mind (brow/third eye)
7. ?
I'm not sure where that 7th chakra comes into things. Perhaps spiritual development. I also wanted to compare the "8 limbs of yoga" and see if somehow they correlate to the 7 chakras. Perhaps the eighth limb is an "octave"of the first. An octave in music is actually the 7 intervals between notes (I think). I'm probably reading into this way too much!
At any rate, life between sits remains overall positive despite some rough patches and a tinge of depression here and there. Yoga and meditation have taught me that the body can lead the mind, so when I get into these mental states, I do something physical. Usually a hike. Break the routine (both circumstantial and mental). I no longer try and "think my way out of it" (also known as the highly unproductive practice of rumination), and instead I move my way out of it.
I've come to see my mind at this point in time as a 3-year-old. I can't reason with it nor use logic or nuance. But I can take it to the park and take away distractions and other triggers for the tantrums it likes to throw. It again strikes me as it did when I first started down this path of how much physicality is involved in spirituality. A passage in another book about food ("On Food and Cooking") mentions how the word "animal"is based on the Latin word for breath (anima). An animal is "one who breaths" or a "creature who has breath", and I don't think I am alone in perceiving the word "animal" with the physical, somatic aspect. But there it is, once again the "spirit", the prana. The breath and the body again deeply intertwined.
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
Yoga and meditation have taught me that the body can lead the mind, so when I get into these mental states, I do something physical. Usually a hike. Break the routine (both circumstantial and mental).
I like that. I just went on a nice walk barefoot and found myself being more and more tuned in as I softly focused on the sensations of my feet and whole body, as well as the beauties of nature. Just walking down a street I had never been on brought entirely new data to process and admire. [/\]
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quote:
A passage in another book about food ("On Food and Cooking") mentions how the word "animal" is based on the Latin word for breath (anima). An animal is "one who breaths" or a "creature who has breath", and I don't think I am alone in perceiving the word "animal" with the physical, somatic aspect. But there it is, once again the "spirit", the prana. The breath and the body again deeply intertwined.
Yes [:)]The breath, wind, and spirit.
Your journal is very consistent. Thank you for sharing it.
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Yoga Recap 2015-01-04
A decent week of sits. Focus, stillness and inner energy have returned for the most part, if not as intense as around the Winter Solstice. However sambhavi mudra and mula bandha continue to refine and become more distinct and pronounced. I am also noticing great intensity of the sensations at the brow, which have shifted slightly lower and further back to be more in the sinuses than the forehead. The "spinal nerve"/sushumna is becoming more pronounced. Could be related to being more aware and conscious of it. I've begun allow it and the sambhavi mudra to express itself more during meditation, allowing the mind to be aware of it rather than aim for some sort of "total relaxation" or "do nothing but focus on the mantra" mindset.
Life between sits has been good. I was in a bit of a funk for a few days, which seems to be lifting. Can't tell if it was holiday-induced or not. Typically I have a good time with family,and this year was no exception. I was feeling a bit ill and my exercise and walks/hikes have been intermittent at best as of late. Being thrown off my routine also seems to be something that affects my mood. I noticed this distinctly when away visiting my brother in November. I like my patterns!
I read this interesting yoga/meditation overview over at the Swami J website. It definitely influenced my approach to the spinal nerve/sushumna attention mentioned above: http://www.swamij.com/sevenskills.htm. His description about how learning to recognize relaxation in the body is a key aim in yoga practices really resonated with me.
I've noticed how initially my preconceived notions about meditation were about some sort of conscious manipulations of the mind to get it to settle down. But the more I meditate, the more I've come to realize that yoga is a sort of "back door" to the mind through the body. The more I learn to relax the body, the mind follows. And the more I practice the techniques, the more I am aware of what sensations indicate relaxation and I can favor those to enable a quicker entry into the relaxed state.
I am currently reading Scott Adams' (of "Dilbert" comic strip fame) book "How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big" in which he attempts to analyze the successes he has had in his life. Much of what he describes are concepts I've come to believe myself, based on tons of other reading from various sources. Anyways, Adams as well as countless other constantly talk about the "fake it until you make it" concept, which in a sense is again this "body leading the mind" technique.
I find this fascinating, as the concept of "spirituality" (which I find a painfully vague and useless term) seems to imply something that transcends the physical. At least in colloquial use of the term. My research of not only the etymology of the word, but also of implementing these spiritual practices has led me to a very body-focused perspective. Spirituality stems from the concept of spirit, or breath — the animating life force. We get words like "animal" (a creature that breathes) and "animated" (both from anima; life force) but also "inspired" (breathed into, by "the gods"/muses) from this mysterious word spirit/spirituality. The central role pranayama (restraint of breath/animating life energy) points to this again, a physical basis for spirituality. A spiritual person is one who has mastered the breath.
I may be pushing the correlations here, but I'm seeing in "prana" a link to "anima"in the "ana"— pranimal?
At any rate, the central role of the physical, of the body, of the act of breathing has been one of the more counterintuitive aspects of yoga practices for me. I like counterintuitive and idiosyncratic experiences and discoveries, particularly when I have some underlying skepticism. Which reminds me of recent experiences with the inner energy sensations (spinal nerve, sushumna, sambhavi mudra). As I noticed pronounced sensations in the sinus and brow area, often it would end at weird places — typically off-center, like just behind one eyeball. I liked that because it felt "real".
The non-perfect expression of that sensation lent it more credibility because my analytical mind thought tap hat if it were psychosomatic, one would imagine the sensation perfectly — dead center, right were all the ancient drawings show it. Instead, it was off a bit as if it were still finding its way to the right location.
Life outside yoga (a distinction less and less easy to pinpoint!) has been relatively mundane. The oyster mushrooms fruited but kind of stalled out. Another flush has already started. I also started up some fermentation experiments: sauerkraut and a sourdough starter. After finishing up Michael Pollan's "Cooked", it really cemented my existing interest in giving these methods a go.
I think my first sauerkraut jars are not safe, and started two new ones last week. The new ones look healthier. The sourdough starter has been frustratingly slow, with no seeming progress. Although I've read that starting one from scratch isn't the easiest thing.
It fascinates me that these organisms are everywhere, all the time. Nature is ready to convert that stored energy in matter and life back into simpler, reusable chunks as soon as the conditions arise. The role of the fermenter is more about the creation and cultivation of the right environment and conditions so that the healthy microorganisms can thrive, and the unhealthy ones (for humans at least) don't get a foothold.
Reminds me a lot of yoga, and my thoughts above on the centrality of the body in the practices: cultivate the right environment, and the ideal results which are already all around you will thrive.
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quote:
As I noticed pronounced sensations in the sinus and brow area, often it would end at weird places — typically off-center, like just behind one eyeball. I liked that because it felt "real".
As I cultivate energy, the sinus cavity is a major player. Have you ever seen a hawk motionless in the air, riding an invisible updraft? In bliss states my attention is drawn to that "hawk" in my sinus surfing the whisper of breath to and fro.
quote:
It fascinates me that these organisms are everywhere, all the time. Nature is ready to convert that stored energy in matter and life back into simpler, reusable chunks as soon as the conditions arise. The role of the fermenter is more about the creation and cultivation of the right environment and conditions so that the healthy microorganisms can thrive, and the unhealthy ones (for humans at least) don't get a foothold.
Reminds me a lot of yoga, and my thoughts above on the centrality of the body in the practices: cultivate the right environment, and the ideal results which are already all around you will thrive.
[3] your comparison here!
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
A spiritual person is one who has mastered the breath.
Hence the opportunity to use the breath more purposefully as we progress. In AYP, there is "heart breathing", and there is another Buddhist practice called tonglen, which uses the in-breath as a means of dissolving suffering, whereas the out-breath becomes an outpouring of divine love. I practice both heart breathing and tonglen, depending on my mood, but I've grown particularly fond of tonglen because it actually stares at the suffering directly with a kind of bravery, and also draws upon our innate ability to transform the obstructions.
As usual, your writing is very lucid and insightful. Bravo! [8D]
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Dogboy: thank you. My "inner energy" animal metaphor is no doubt a curious snake. I can feel it "searching". It reminds me as I write this, along with your hawk metaphor, of the symbol of Quezalcoatl, the eagle with a snake in its talons.
Bodhi: thank you as well. Interesting in the breath techniques. I'm moving slow and steady on this end, the last modification to my practices was adding Solar Centering to the mantra, as someone here suggested (it has been a very energetic addition). I haven't even moved past the base AYP mantra, although I've considered it off and in the past few months.
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Yoga Recap 2015-01-11
Another good week of sits. The deep stillness and intense energy are back and pretty consistent. A few distracted sits here and there. The obviousness of my distracted mind and the quality of the subsequent sit is quite apparent at this point.
Also apparent is how intrinsic the body is to yoga. It's easy to feel as if we are transcending the body and mind with these techniques, but I think we are transcending the tyranny of distractions cause by the body and mind. The less I try and "escape" or "let go", and instead really sink in to the cultivated energy from pranayama once I transition to deep meditation, the more energetic, blissful, still and focused my sits become.
Again, I feel as if my path is still at that stage of losing all preconceived notions about what meditation "really is". Or has reached yet another milestone on that path. The lessons compound and continue.
Life between sits remains overall positive. My motivation levels have been quite low this week, and I find myself slipping into slothful winter habits of watching too much TV and not writing,reading and drawing as much as I'd like to. Still, I am in a better place than I was a year ago with all these areas of my life. I just know I'm not living up to my potential.
I've been devouring posts on the blog "Raptitude" by David Cain as of late. The posts on mindfulness have had a very distinct resonance with me, and have helped me find deeper levels of stillness and focus during a few recent meditation sits. The author's way of writing and the way his psyche is structured seem eerily similar and familiar when I read his articles.
He writes a lot on the chattering mind, and his perspective is quite helpful in loosening oneself from the incessant patter. One of his posts discusses methods to find mindfulness in the mundane, and he discusses how one can take on the perspective that you are watching a movie in a dark theater, where you really get absorbed in the reality of the experience for 90 minutes. That led me to thinking how the mind is like this DVD audio commentary track constantly playing while you are trying to "watch the movie".
I'd suggest starting here with Raptitude, at least as far as the mindfulness posts. He's got some other fantastic writing on other related topics as well. Be sure to dig in.
http://www.raptitude.com/2014/03/how-to-stop-your-mind-from-talking-so-much/
The author specifically suggests using the physical sensations as your anchor to break free of the tyranny of thoughts. He mentions how physical sensations are "now". His discussion on how thoughts and their evaluative/analytical nature are a form of control, a form of dissatisfaction with the present.
I had moments after reading a ton of his articles, both during meditation and in-between, where I reached this state of "turning off the commentary track"and just "watching the movie". It's interesting how much anxiety is present even during those glimpses of that stillness. We identify with that commentary track so deeply, we have fooled ourselves into thinking its the only way to experience experiences.
It also seems as if it's a form of desire to control the world, your circumstances, through this as-close-to-real-time-as-we-can-possibly-get analysis of experience.
The author describes, as experienced meditators know, that the key to all of this is practice. We are learning to notice this quieted mind experience, what it feels like, how to reach it consistently, and how to expand the duration. We get better by doing it every day.
As Cain keeps mentioning in his blog, the physical sensations are a door to this experiential state. The physical aspects of yoga are no doubt techniques to do this. When Cain mentions bringing your attention to a body part when you notice you are off in thoughts, it just sounds like a "physical mantra" to me.
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Yoga Recap 2015-01-18
This week of sits was very unfocused and didn't reach much stillness or deep concentration. Physical stillness was decent, and inner energy sensations were strong but diluted compared to previous weeks. I've been forgetting to mention the frequent spontaneous stage 1 kechari mudra occurring fairly regularly during spinal breathing.
I've been in a slightly depressed mood for the past week or so, and it's no surprise that this correlates to the quality of the meditation sits. Lots of rumination, mind-wandering, monkey mind in both daily life and meditation sits. These periods of slight depression always concern me, as they have potential to go deeper. The meditation and other practices I've been maintaining are part of my anti-depressive regimen which has been working fairly well this past year or more.
Still, these episodes of lowered moods also increase pessimism towards many things, including meditation. It's easy to find this all a waste of time without any incontrovertible experiences. That said, I can contrast past (and fairly recent past) experiences of deep joy in everyday moments, or a light and non-self-conscious experience of life. That is a marked change for me, so I know something I am putting into practice is working.
The depressive periods I've come to correlate with a probable lowered level of dopamine in the body. Dopamine having an aspect of anticipation of reward or pleasure, it's easy to find thoughts of "this is worthless", "whats the point", "a waste of time" and similar thought patterns cycling endlessly. The knowledge of this is mostly what keeps me clear of circling deeper into an unhealthy ruminative mindset.
I found this post over on the Raptitude blog quite helpful as a way to navigate the ebb and flow of moods and mindsets: http://www.raptitude.com/2013/03/how-to-find-the-way/
I do have to say it's disappointing to find that meditation and yoga isn't some cure-all for these episodes. Although I do have to say the episodes are fewer and further apart than they used to be. But when I am "up", going back "down" contrasts much more strongly than it used to when I was mostly "flat" instead of "up".
But I remind myself of Alan Watts and his lectures on the concept that often systems which contrast each other arise at the same time so as to enable one to perceive each distinctly. In other words, there is no "front", only a front/back system where both aspects arise at the same time. The front implies the back, the back implies the front. So too, joy must be contrasted with suffering. Although there is much talk in the yoga/meditation literature of "unending divine bliss". I've obviously not reached that stage, as mine definitely ends at times.
These lowered moods and the corresponding lack of anticipatory reward-seeking also take a toll on my productivity. Procrastination has been running high, my art output has taken a hit. I've become more passive-consumer as opposed to my preferred active-producer mindset and motivation levels.
Most of this past week has been focused on maintaining routines of meditation, yoga, exercise and eating healthily as well as my daily art practice. I've found these disciplines help keep me on point. As I've mentioned in earlier journal entries, I've come to find the body as the vanguard for the mind. By putting the body into motion and action, the mind usually follows. My only motivation is to put these routines into practice, regardless of whether or not I feel like it.
The trap I've come to understand is this lack of future reward-seeking (low dopamine perhaps, related to depression for sure), which plays into the procrastination, which is little more than a psychological defense mechanism for my perfectionism, which is low self-esteem coupled to a Fixed-Mindset perspective and an externalized ego. In other words:
Low motivation (low dopamine) = thoughts of "Why bother? No reward."
These thoughts then trigger (or reinforce) procrastination.
Procrastination is tied to my struggle with perfectionism (attempts to control the external environment because I've come to externalize my ego by identifying with my actions and output).
The perfectionism in turn hinges on Fixed Mindset theory, which tells me that I perceive myself as a fixed entity, rather than a mutable one; therefore, my actions and creations define me, and I erroneously perceive these talents as innate rather than learnable and changeable. I avoid doing them if I fear they are less than perfect (which they always are, perfection is impossible and a continuously receding target), because I fear that will reflect on me and in turn my self-worth and self-esteem.
At any rate, meditation has been a huge help in cultivating this self-observation mindset, or perhaps more accurately, this mind-observing perspective. Being able to semi-objectively observe the processes of the mind, it becomes easier to dis-identify with the mind process and contents.
A few times this week, I caught myself saying to my mind "enough already!" in regards to some recurring and obsessive patterns of thought. This in itself is very helpful and a powerful tool.
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quote:
A few times this week, I caught myself saying to my mind "enough already!" in regards to some recurring and obsessive patterns of thought. This in itself is very helpful and a powerful tool.
In arriving at the truth, it's always preferable to have a Witness who will testify!
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Yogaman, I really enjoy your journal posts. Thanks for making them!
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Excellent journal--thank you, Yogaman!
The body is the vanguard of the mind. Of what is the mind a vanguard?
Eternity, God, infinity? We don't know, really. Like the body can never have full knowledge of the mind, neither can the mind ever know beyond all it's possibilities. Maybe it's like Coleridge says, that we can never grasp creation with the tools of destruction.
----------------------------------------
Limes et Circus [The Line and Circle]
A dagger, a shield,
charging, cutting:
Its trailblazing vision
of brilliant progress.
Clumsy vanguard!
Front of effrontery.
A transient purport
in a sea of surety.
The waves will
sweep away
every mark
of time.
----------------------------------------
All the bodies that clash are figments of its dreams, little heroes, marshaled of that splendorous dream, clashing with bodily reality. The mind consists of ideas, but what is their higher reality? Best laid plans, like best laid ideas, are inevitably swallowed. Some say everything is swallowed in undifferentiated knowledge. Others say it is swallowed in infinite love. A few have even suggested something more hellish. Somewhere amidst the legions of gods and mortals, there is a small truth, all the truth that is ever needed, and it is not far away or mysterious.
My policy is to err on the side of optimism. [OM][8D][OM]
[/\]
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Hi Yogaman,
I'm not a regular reader of your journal, so I apologise for not having the whole story on anything. But I noticed you talked quite a bit on procrastination in your last entry, which is something that has affected me significantly in the past. So I wanted to share something that has helped me.
If there is something I am procrastinating so much that I won't even start, then I sit comfortably and imagine myself starting or doing the task. Then I just watch those feelings, thoughts that arise, bodily sensations, etc. None of the experiences arising need labels, only someone to notice them. I do this for a while, with my eyes closed. This often becomes blissful and, if so, I just watch the bliss.
Then one of two things happens. Either I open my eyes and find the freedom to simply do the task. Or some idea comes to me, which solves some problem (that I might not even have known that I had) that immediately makes the task easier to start or complete.
A final note: I think the exercise should be done with the intention of simply seeing what's there; not as an attempt to coerce yourself into doing the task.
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quote:
Originally posted by Yogaman
Yoga Recap 2015-01-18
This week of sits was very unfocused and didn't reach much stillness or deep concentration...
A few times this week, I caught myself saying to my mind "enough already!" in regards to some recurring and obsessive patterns of thought. This in itself is very helpful and a powerful tool.
Yes, moods and feelings come and go, the waves on the surface. That is ok. There is abiding Bliss still in the depths when we aren't as distracted...
My friend Kris Ward, a yogini/life coach has an expression that she uses on her mind, where she says, "Thank you for sharing, monkey-mind, but I'M BACK!" You would have to hear it in her amusing tone of voice. [:)]
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Thank you for the kind words and insights everyone. I apologize that I am not more active with replies, but it's amazing how fast my days fill up. But I do appreciate the insights and I am glad to know that people find these of value.
Regarding the procrastination, the one thing I've found helpful is the 5-minute rule: I start IMMEDIATELY on a task, but allow myself to quit after 5 minutes. I've discovered that the mind is inertial, and it prefers to continue to do that which it is doing. Healthy or unhealthy. Passive or active. It only takes about 5 or so minutes to make that activity the thing the mind wants to maintain. Again, the body leading the mind. At least for me.
Also, see today's post where I bring up a definition of self-discipline I found this week that really works for me.
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Yoga Recap 2015-01-25
A decent week of sits. Better than last week. My mood has also lifted as well. The two seem quite related. Some decent inner energy cultivation and experiences, and good stillness overall. Meditations have been hit and miss, mostly average to poor as far as mind-wandering. I've been maintaining regular samyama and yoni mudra kumbhaka along with a basic asana set. These are typically limited to my evening sits when I have a bit more time for them. Strong and distinct inner energy and sambhavi mudra and mula bandha during Kneeling Seat as usual.
As mentioned, life between sits improved somewhat as far as mood and the lifting of the depressed mindset. There's no doubt that the routines and habits which I've trained myself to execute regardless of motivation have been a big help. I was reading some posts over at a self-development blog where the author defined Self-Discipline as the ability to get yourself to take action regardless of your emotional state. I really like that perspective, because so much of what can drag us down into inaction is an emotional state.
And I doubt I am the only meditator to observe the cause-effect relationship between the mind and the emotions. Since the process of observing/witnessing the mind as part of our yoga practices reveals to us that we are not our minds, then it follows that we are also not our emotional states. Therefore, allowing our emotions to dictate our actions is about as healthy as allowing the mind and thoughts to do so.
Again, I return to this deep connection to the body which contrasts my persistent preconceptions of yoga as some ethereal, otherworldly non-physical experience.
I've been working on practicing mindfulness in my daily life, no doubt due to some binge-reading of er at Raptitude.com. His writing also encouraged me to listen again the the audiobook of The Power of Now, as well as finally listen to Wherever You Go, There You Are. It surprises me that I've not read WYGTYA earlier, as the author gave a superb talk on meditation at Google (video on You Tube, author John Kabat-Zinn).
So far, it's a deeply profound and insightful book. I particularly enjoyed a recent passage where he describes Buddhist demons as virtues in disguise, it really inspired some imagery in my mind's eye. I'm glad I got around to the book finally.
The Power of Now on the other hand left me a bit cold. The early chapters have some great and inspiring stuff in them, but eventually it falls into that zone that turns off my left-brained mind — vague explanations presented with absolute authority. Also stuff that just seems flat-out contradictory, such as persistent statements of how one doesn't need to "do" anything and how everything is perfect as it is, followed by urgent claims that we need to "heal the planet". If everything is perfect as-is, then what needs fixed? If this is all part of the process, and only our limited brains mired in the illusion of time believe they need to "do" something , then why does something need to "be done"?
I had the amusing thought this week that the one piece of information that enlightened people don't seem to receive is a practical and direct method to reach these states of enlightenment! How the universe functions? Check! How pain and suffering function? Check! A reliable method to transcend the illusions that allow direct experience of these states? Um, I forgot to ask!
I recorded a podcast episode with a like-minded friend this week on the topic of meditation. This is our third episode of the podcast (his podcast, I'm just the co-host). We cover topics in the self-development area. Habits was the first one we did. I forget the other topic. My buddy Jeff is a bit more on the other end of the spectrum from me as far as beliefs and acceptance of ideas. It's an interesting balance. He believes in a lot of stuff I am highly suspect of. But we share an interest in some of the topics and I like the opposing dynamic of skeptic/believer. It should be interesting once we hit topics I think are hogwash.
But discussing meditation out loud was very enjoyable. Often I only write or think about the practice. I realized how far I've journeyed on this path and some of the overlooked milestones I've reached, including but not limited to:
- being aware that one can witness/observe the mind, and thus dis-identify with it
- being aware that emotional states arise from thoughts, and the process can be consciously controlled
- seeing how repetitive and shallow much of my inner dialogue can be
- being able to sit relatively sill for entire sits of 20 minutes
- learning how it feels to have the body in a relaxed state, and being able to enter that state very quickly
The Inner Judge
I also read two books by Don Miguel Ruiz this week, The Four Agreements and The Voice of Knowledge. I was expecting to be turned off by them, but was pleasantly surprised. Ruiz describes this Toltec approach to the mind with an approach very easily digestible by the Western mind. He could have done without the term "black magic" and other weird choices. His books offered a concise psychological roadmap to mental processes and didn't need those vague terms.
He spoke often of the inner judge. That critical stream of thoughts that I have come to discover is little more than the ego looking to prop itself up by putting others down. Ruiz really brought home how this Inner Judge is constantly affecting our world view.
It resonated with my own self-observations of mind during sits. I notice my mind takes on a few regular "cast of characters", the Critic or Judge being one of those. My observations have revealed the following patterns of thought:
Critic/Judge: The Past. This aspect has a running commentary on everything I've done or do, which by it's nature is in the past. The ringleader to which the other personas defer and behave in relation to. The Critic also compares, such as: that car is nicer than my car, that person is more attractive than me, that person has more money than me. The Critic looks for contrasts, and heightens them.
The Critic is quick to employ The Rehearser to role-play past events in future scenarios (often fantastically-heightened versions of situations which rarely come to pass at all).
The Rehearser: The Future. The Rehearser analyzes all behavior that is coming up in the near future, real or imagined. It envisions scenarios, and then tries to improve what it thinks the Critic will criticize. The Rehearser will have hypothetical arguments, often with a real-world person playing the embodiment of the Critic. These often center on topics or interests of which I am self-conscious, or behaviors I am shamed by (anger, gossip, pettiness, passive-aggressiveness, etc). The Rehearser is often defending these actions in imagined future conflicts, and usually making excuses for the undesirable behaviors. But always arguing to defend itself. The Rehearser also works on mundane things like wording an email ahead of time, or mentally practicing things I want to say on a phone call, drafting social media posts, and the like.
The Self: The Present. Of course, there is that abiding presence that through yoga and meditation, we are all working to cultivate more awareness of — the Witness to all of these shenanigans. This aspect plays the smallest role, although it has increased dramatically since meditating began. In fact, I could even say that I was unconscious of this aspect of mind until a year or so ago.
The Inner Judge and the Rehearser and in many ways a parent/child dynamic. The Parent/Judge is the master Critic who sets the rules and must be appeased. The Child/Rehearser works furiously to analyze every action and potential action to avoid the wrath of the Critic. The problem here is that the Critic is never pleased. Ever. By its nature, it can't be. It would cease to exist. So it will always find something else to criticize. It needs to "keep its job", maintain relevancy. So the Rehearser is on this Sisyphean quest to appease that which can never be appeased.
In many ways this is revealing to me the source of the struggles with perfectionism, another insurmountable obstacle — one cleverly designed to avoid confronting perceived pain/rejection by never actually reaching goals. "It wasn't my best work, so I can't be judged accurately and this suffer blows to the ego which erroneously over-identifies with the work/actions and from which it derives self-worth."
At any rate, being more aware of the Inner Judge has been quite revealing, and I do my best to note its appearance both during meditations and between. Focusing awareness on it tends to defuse its power.
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Your note about the critic and rehearse are so valid in my case. They seem to be present in meditation most often. Enjoy your journal.
Blessings to you
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quote:
Originally posted by jusmail
Your note about the critic and rehearse are so valid in my case. They seem to be present in meditation most often. Enjoy your journal.
Blessings to you
Glad to hear the analogy has helped. From my reading those aspects of mind seem to be pretty common. They seem to be a side-effect of the experience of time. As if the human animal needs these inner guardians for these new powers of memory and imagination.
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Yoga Recap 2015-02-01
A welcome return to the strongly energetic and deeply still sits. Unsurprisingly coinciding with an improved overall mood and outlook. Some sits particularly towards the end of the week quite profoundly so.
My weekly yoga recap has become a sort of life journal, or perhaps my life is just becoming more yoga-infused! In fact, with the conscious practice as of late of mindfulness in my daily activities, the latter seems to be the case.
All this writing has inspired me to set a daily writing time where I work on some form of writing every day. I've come to see how immensely helpful it is to actually formulate these fragments of thoughts and ideas that accumulate in the mind over the course of a week. As with these posts, which I always think are going to be a paragraph or two, my daily writing is only 15 minutes minimum but often goes much longer once the creative flow begins. Often the ideas themselves arise during the process of writing, not before. So it's also a process of discovery and creation. I've had some valuable insights from this, and already in my new writing habit I've discovered some new things, making the process instantly a must-have habit.
In fact, these writing sessions precede meditation sits, which in a way help clear the mind of thoughts since I've captured them in writing and that anxious mind can rest assured all that genius content is preserved for all humanity! :)
Mindfulness Eurekas/Mind Matrix/Conscious Positive Emphasis
Speaking of mindfulness, I've inly been consciously working at this for a week or so, but I am already getting ever so slightly better at it and already noticing the shifts in awareness. Or rather, the insight I had last night was that I am aware of when I am in Standard Consciousness Mode (mindless, monkey mind). Like drifting off the mantra in meditation, I often do not notice the gradual egress to this state, but because I've been cultivating the contrast and an awareness of that contrast, I now am more fully aware of being in Standard Consciousness Mode (SCM).
I was off on an anxiety-fueled session of mindless self-berating in the shower yesterday (The Rehearser trying to "fix" regretted behavior to appease The Judge). Suddenly, I realized how non-mindful I was at that moment and also how profoundly that way of experience the world totally SUCKED! It was so obvious that I had to laugh.
I realized that this was indeed a form of "The Matrix" — living in this illusory world that blinds you to reality. I was off in this mental existence, with self-manufactured rules (and deeply negative and pessimistic viewpoints) that I was taking for granted, and then launching off into endless what-if scenarios as if those imaginary rules I was accepting were facts or truth. And it all happens so fast, and slips right by one's conscious awareness.
Earlier that day, troubled by an earlier action of mine I had regret for, I was out shopping at a new food market I wanted to try. Because of the anxious rumination over my regretted action, and the ensuing mental self-abuse, I was sharply aware at one point of how this mental abuse I was heaping upon myself was shaping my experience of the world around me. Not only my perception of it, but literally changing the way others behaved. The cashier, who most likely was at best ambivalent to my precedence, was perceived as judgmental (obviously an externalization of the Inner Judge who was dominating the mind at the time). My demeanor, facial tensions and the like were no doubt tensed up into a conveyance of a decidedly non-happy nature. I then slipped into mindfulness/Witness mode, and realized that any reaction of hers if there was one was being conditioned by me to some degree.
I'm not saying one can go out and just shape the reactions of others by being cheerful, but it did seem to me at the time that if the conditions are open or receptive to influence, your mental state, which ripples out to the emotions, the body, the body language, the facial expression — and who knows how many other subtly body language cues we are unaware of — is going to have a real effect on those you interact with.
Later that day, inspired by the excellent book The Happiness Hypothesis which I am reading this week, I did some thing new to deal with these anxious regret ruminations. Instead of focusing on and becoming angered by what I didn't have (support of many whom I considered friends), I decided to be active, and choose to focus on what I did have, and thank directly and deeply those who I did have support from. I can't tell you how profoundly beneficial this flip in the experience was. I will be doing much more of this in the future. Not just making yourself aware of who you are grateful for, but expressing that gratitude directly to the person. Powerful stuff.
I'm not sure any of these things would be likely with me without the practice and experience of meditation. By learning to not identify with the contents of my mind, I've learned I can change them and I'm getting better at noticing and remembering to do so. And better at doing it too. Prior to meditation, those thoughts "were" "me" — so there was no way in hell you are going to change the way you think it your thoughts are "you" (our buddy the Ego isn't going to allow that kind of behavior!).
Happiness Is B.S.
I had the realization washing dishes this week (which is becoming one of my favorite daily activities and also a superb mindfulness session opportunity) that happiness is bullsh*t. It's an unhealthy thing to try and achieve, only because it is guaranteed to fade. It's guaranteed to return, too. And I'm not saying one shouldn't bask in it when it's around.
But it's that attachment to the experience that makes us suffer. Instead of accepting the natural and inevitable rhythm of happiness and depression, we cling to one half of this yin-yang system — thus guaranteeing suffering. Because what we are trying to do is impossible, we are going to fail every time. If we then perceive this as a reflection on ourselves, we care just setting up conditions for life-long pain. One shouldn't strive for happiness any more than they should strive for pain. When happy, think "enjoy this, as it will fade" and when in pain think"enjoy this as a way to remind you how good it feels to be happy, and it too will fade". And that might be going too far. Maybe we should just strive for the experience of each. I'm not the first to suggest that happiness is the absence of striving for happiness, I know. Happiness addiction seems like it is a dangerous game.
Hindsight Mystical Experience
A conversation with a close friend this week unlocked a realization of an old experience in a new light. The original experience was about 20 years ago, right as I was graduating college without a clue what to do next, and my girlfriend of 3+ years had just dumped me for the guy she'd been seeing behind my back. The combo of these was unbearable. I was in a deep anxiety-ridden depression for weeks and months. I was as lost as I'd ever been.
Looking back, I see how that was all due to the identification with my environment and circumstances. External idatio not of the ego. Literally, the constructed Self I was operating under was in the process of annihilation. It was being dismantled and I had no control over any of it.
At any rate, I found myself one Spring day on the porch, skerchbook in hand and doing my best to avoid ruminating. I was watching the still-leafless branches of a tree sway with the warm winds, when suddenly my perception shifted. Nothing looked different, visually. But my experience had taken on a new character. I recall still that my initial thoughts were "the wind isn't moving the branches, the wind and the branches are moving with each other, in harmony, in collaboration" and then the analytical mind kicked in with "this is how poets perceive the world". This was a moment, many moments, of deep bliss.
Eventually, this ended. But something had changed. Unfortunately, I experienced what I called then for lack of a better term "panic attacks" or "anxiety attacks". Which no doubt they were. However, it wasn't until dinner this week with my for end,more counting this memory, that I realized "wait — this is what happens to Eckhart Tolle, and tons of other mystics". The deep depression unleashes the mystical experience. For me however, I didn't go on to deeply abide in The Now and become pals with Oprah. Instead, I got months and years of slowly fading anxiety attacks which regrettably I tried to drown with alcohol. I wandered around stores like Target for hours (I was also unemployed at that time). I had to keep the body moving to keep the mind still. Distracting places where I could be anonymous in a quiet crowd were beneficial.
As I mentioned, these tapered off gradually in intensity over the next few years. It was down to a vague trickle for the last year, but the presence of the feelings were unmistakable.
I've been thinking about this experience quite a bit since I had the realization about what had actually happened back then. I looked back over what journals I did keep (most I had trashed years ago) and the sketchbooks I had. It seems I was reading a lot about kundalini, particularly Gopi Krishna's books on his initially harrowing kundalini awakening experiences. That could be total coincidence, as I'd been interested in that and related esoteric topics prior to my hindsight mystic experience.
I was energized by the realization that my nervous system was not only capable of the mystical experience state, but that it was primed already to do so again. And as anyone practicing meditation-yoga for any length of time knows, much of what we do prepares us to experience certain states (relaxation, the Witness, etc) so we can recognize and cu,to ate them when they do arise. Knowing what it feels like helps a lot. Of course, I am going to use my bicycle analogy here and compare it to the feeling of finding your balance — once you get a taste, it makes subsequent successes more easily attained.
Quite the full week in hindsight, having written it all out. Again, another reminder of why I want to maintain a daily writing habit to compliment this valuable weekly one.
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A decent week of sits if not all that distinctive. I do recall a few sits with some exceptional inner energy experiences, and strong, focused sensations at the sambhavi mudra location of the brow. Also some solar plexus sensations as well on occasion. I've been using the solar centering method when meditating for the past few months. It's tricky, the mind wants to center everything behind the eyeballs. In that mysterious void that we all call "me".
Mindfulness
I've also been actively working on my mindfulness practice in between sits. I'm enjoying the practice quite a bit, even if it seems to be more of a "realize your not being mindful" practice right now. However, as I believe I have mentioned in the previous entry, I'm starting to see mindfulness not as an experience to be gained, but rather a technique for providing contrast for these accumulated mental thought habits we've burdened ourselves with over the decades. And also a way to know what is is you are aiming for,and what you are trying to minimize.
In other words, the mindful experience (at least to start) is more about being able to step back from the chatter of the mind so you can perceive it from the "outside", so you have a way to contrast and compare. Additionally, the more you practice mindfulness, the more familiar you become with the experience and its subtle character. Like meditation, we gradually learn to recognize these states and this makes it easier to sink into them more readily. We know what we are aiming for because we have felt it directly.
And of course, over time we find the body eager to go into these states, so we are cultivating a default response in opposition to the chaotic one we've unconsciously assimilated throughout our lives.
Gary Weber and the Default Mode Network
No doubt my thinking here has been influenced by some recent posts on Gary Weber's blog, Happiness Beyond Thought. Weber is a fellow "Left-Brain Buddha", seeking to understand the meditation experience from a perspective of Western science. His insights into the Default Mode Network in the brain, and how that differs between meditators and non-meditators is quite interesting. The "self-ing" areas of the brain (the structures of the brain that handle thoughts that create the sense of identity or ego) seem to be downplayed or even turned off from the repetitive practice of meditation.
If Weber addresses the actual "how" of this process, I've not yet come across that post. And even more puzzling to my analytical mind is how these yogis of the distant past ever figured any of this out! Even with specific instructions and techniques, I find the process slow-going and to be honest, the effects are not distinct enough for me to persist without the reports from earlier psychonauts on this path.
Spinal Breathing and Kundalini: What Are They For?
That said, my direct experiences with spinal breathing pranayama have had very obvious results. I've overlooked that aspect often in my weekly journal entries. And it brings me to a question I often have when it comes to spinal breathing, pranayama and kundalini: what is the goal with these practices? The AYP literature from my recall doesn't specifically say what the intended outcome is. That said, I'm not sure the intended results of meditation are ever discussed outside the vague "unending divine bliss".
How is awakening kundalini related to "enlightenment"? Can you have one without the other? Are spinal breathing and other pranayama techniques just accelerators for a process that meditation will eventually bring about?
What I can say about my experience with pranayama is that something unmistakable is going on. I refuse to call it anything other than "inner energy" and even the word "energy" is a bit presumptuous. It's more like an inner sensation. For all I know, it could be an orchestrated muscular contraction on a grand scale. But something is indeed going on. It's controllable, distinct, and as I've touched upon before, also idiosyncratic (it does unexpected things, seemingly having its own "rules").
Lately these inner sensations have had moments of extreme intensity. The sensations at the brow or "third eye" can even get to be quite strong. The body also seems eager to experience these sensations. Like a dog who knows when it's time to go for a walk, my body picks up on cues about when it's time to start the sit and the sensations begin.
They also tend to kick in when I am driving, which I do not do regularly these days, working from home.
But none of these experiences, as strong as the physical components are, have any distinguishable or immediate results of a "spiritual" (whatever that means) or "mystical" nature. As I've mentioned before, they are mostly curiosities. Although mildly pleasurable and relaxing, other than that there isn't much to them.
That said, for the scientist in me they are at least some sort of empirical results that "something" is happening. They conform the "do this, experience that" promise of yogic practices. But the "that" which I've experienced to date is far from anything I'd go around trying to convince anyone else to do. Of course, I realize there may be more to this and I am in for the long haul. I'm just reporting the state of my experience at this point along the journey.
"Not Much Happening"
My hope in the long term for this journaling is that I do experience the more wondrous claims of yogic techniques, and this honest appraisal of my experience can serve as a way for others like me to maintain enthusiasm during those "not much happening" stages. I seem to meet far more people like that in person. Only online have I encountered those who can claim these wondrous experiences. In fact, most of my like-minded friends who've been interested in and tried meditation have all given up after a few months. The direct experience being far from enough to fuel any continued enthusiasm for the practice.
I myself have recently passed the 2-year mark with AYP, and I was doing some intermittent meditation for about 6 months prior. While I definitely see improvements in my daily life, many of which I've no doubt are the result of meditation, there are some big claims put forth that nobody I know seems to be able to reach with ease. To be honest, it leaves most of them uninterested. Even my one deeply like-minded friend also on a path of self-development and self-inquiry has forgone his sits within a busy schedule, no longer making it a priority.
Me, I know from experience and have learned from a ton of reading on the topic that the way to mastery is persistence. I'm determined to maintain my practice. I do see benefits, even if hard-won, subtle and often tough to discern due to the gradual nature of them coupled with the gradual assimilation of them into my experience (that idea of the eyes adjusting to the ambient light as the sun sets, so your experience of the dark is different than that of someone who walks into the dark as opposed to someone there as the light faded).
The Master of the Temple
I was recounting to my self-development friend this week an idea that sprung to mind early on in my regular meditation sits. I had the thought that the stories of the Zen master who refuses admittance to the aspirant monks, forcing them to sleep and wait in the doorway to the temple were analogies, that perhaps the Zen master himself was consciously embodying an analogy himself.
The "Zen temple" is the mind. The "Zen master" is the ego/self who "refuses admission" to the true self. The Master, like the Ego, forces one to sit on the steps of the temple until one's perseverance is established. Once admitted, they are warned that "nothing much is going on here", just chopping the wood, carrying the water.
The Zen master is playing the externalized role of the ego, to train you to withstand the barrage of the thought stream which also "blocks your entrance" to the temple.
I like to imagine that there is an ethereal, ghostly "temple" that I am sitting on the steps of when I sit for meditation. I await the emergence of "The Master" who plays his role and tries his best to dissuade me from sitting on the steps, let alone entering the temple.
At this point his antics are quite transparent and have become even amusing to some degree. He can be quite mean at times though. He will often bring up disturbing ideas and tries to convince me that they are mine. He uses lots of other tricks, like mundane tasks needing completion, reminders of past failures, worry over future insecurities. At least at the temple at which I sit, the Master is not usually a nice guy. He's often critical and negative. He seems to know exactly what to say to throw me off-guard. But I'm no longer fooled as I once was by these ruses.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the entrance to the temple isn't where one would assume it is. I may have already "entered the temple" long before I sat on those steps. I have a feeling the interior of the temple too is deceptively larger than it humbly appears on the outside. This Temple itself may be just another elaborate form of deception by the Master.
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Wow, Yogaman, you hit a grand slam with this week's column, especially the snippet regarding camping out on the steps of the Master's temple. So much, or so little, is going on inside and I have no way of knowing for sure, yet here I am, prostrate and eager. There is no where else I would rather be. If I've been fooled then I'm a fool for love!
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Hi Yogaman I got to agree with Dogboy about how cool this entry is. Its inspiring to follow your journal cuz I'm stuck in so many ways but your efforts keep showing how its worth not quiting as you just keep kicking butt![:0]
Your musings about pranayama and enlightenment got me thinking about how Yoga answers your questions.
So Paramahansa Yogananda and his organization Self-Realization Fellowship (SRF) has a pretty special approach to Yoga. If a person accepts that Yogananda is an Avatar, a Savior, whatever those are it follows that he's got aspects to his teachings that are kind of the ultimate. Among a lot of things he could be thought of as the ultimate salesman in presenting Yoga to the world the way he had (he left his body in 1954) and the way his organization continues to. I say ultimate because I can so easily get caught up in what Yogani calls "building mental castles in the air" when studing SRF Yoga and not digest it like AYP properly emphasizes.
Yoganada puts to shame the info commercial salesman we see on TV the way he makes Yoga and God/Enlightenment seem so down-to-earth doable. In my mind its part of the Divine paradox of a personality expressing the Divine in word and deed and making some feel (me) like they know way more than they do.[xx(]
Long story short here's how Yogananda talks about AYP spinal breathing pranayama (SRF calls it Kriya Yoga but they're identical). I really love the guy but I mostly avoid SFR stuff in favor of AYP and the forum stuff the last couple years cuz AYP has brought me face to face with where I need to go Yoga wise.
So the preceding has been a warning not to get side tracked mentally like me in Yogananda's answer to your questions:
http://www.yogananda.com.au/kriya.html
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Dogboy & Bill: thanks for the kind words and feedback. Much appreciated.
As far as quitting, I've done enough of the dabbling in my past to know that it will not pay off. Now, I do not know if yoga will lay off but I know it has helped lead my life to a much improved direction than before I was practicing it.
I read some Yagananda years ago — of course "Autobiography", also some SRF stuff. Even attended an advanced retreat by accident with a friend. We didn't know it was for advanced practitioners and had zero experience with any of this yoga or meditation stuff. That said, it was a good experience as most of the people there were "regular people" which helped to dismantle some prejudices and hesitations I had about this "scene".
The page you linked to on SRF looks interesting and I will read in depth later tonight, thanks. Some quite particular claims, which I like. But I immediately wonder what validity any of them have.
Yogani speaks of "purification of the nervous system" (which I forgot). But that too always bothered me for being a bit vague — what gets purified? Purified of what? How did it get to need purification? How in the world does thinking a non-word accomplish this?
Thanks again.
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Yoga Recap 2015-02-15
A decent week of sits. Nothing that stands out in particular, but I did have some deep and strong sits for sure. Some intensifying sensations at the solar plexus and chest area. These seem related to the practice of solar centering which I added to my meditations last Autumn.
The sensations of sambhavi mudra have become much stronger and more distinct this week. There is a "wider" and more "dense" association to the sensations. At the brow, I can sense very specific areas in the nasal cavity in general and behind and below the eyes in particular where I can detect the sensations the strongest.
These sensations begin with my small set of asanas which I do before the evening sits. Even from the start of asanas, I noticed strong sensations at the brow during the kneeling Seat asana, and these have intensified to a very strong and distinct level. I now maintain this "spinal nerve" energetic sensation from mula bandha (root) to sambhavi mudra (brow) throughout most of my asanas. And these sensations continue to arise spontaneously during sitting in bed upright as well as when driving.
Wall-E Mind
I had the observation at the end of one sit of how strongly the mind craves the process of labeling experiences. Not content to just allow the experience to unfold, a commentary at the very least is desired, if not analysis and judgment.
The mind seems as if it is this robot in a science fiction film, designed for some very specific roles that it continues to carry out despite the environment having drastically changed and its core processes having long since become redundant. This might be the plot of Wall-E.
Mind Addiction, The Pleasure Polarity of Novelty & Familiarity
My attempts to practice mindfulness throughout the day between sits has been a surprising struggle. The first few days were perhaps fueled by the novelty and showed some promise. Some very powerful observations brought to my attention the level of non-presence one can wander off into while consumed by thoughts and the processes of the mind. But I found myself as the week progressed drifting off into being consumed more and more by thoughts and living in the Mind Matrix.
At times I was even keenly aware of this drifting off into Mind and felt almost addicted to it. I assume this has to do with the craving of the familiar. It's curious how the mind and body crave both novelty and familiarity. This polarity of dissatisfaction which we are constantly oscillating between. We seem to crave novel experiences that result in familiar feelings of pleasure. In a way, mindfulness and the Stoic approach to living life seem like a method to experience the familiar as novel. A way to turn the mundane into the new.
Studies have suggested that meditation and mindfulness techniques seem to cultivate the ability to experience the world at a level of mind that escapes the labeling and categorization process of the brain. That which sees a tree as the word/label "tree", that lumps it into all other trees, that has forgone conclusions about what a tree "is". Free from this mode of perception, which seems to me to be a freedom from language, we can return to "no-mind" or "beginner's mind" where we experience the world, as opposed to experiencing our interpretations of the world.
This labeling process seems to be that which makes things familiar, and thus robs them of novelty. Meditation and mindfulness are perhaps methods to reverse that or at least put it under conscious control.
The Language of Self
Speaking of language, I've had the curious thought recently about what — if any — self-talk would take place without the language centers of the brain. Some recent reading (Michael Drout's "The History of the English Language" revealed to me how the characteristic Speer patterns of children are primarily due to the developing parts of the brain which handle language. They literally cannot perform certain tasks until a certain age, which result in what adults typically find cute or amusing.
Without language, how would one "talk to themselves"?
This seems to me related to Gary Weber's research into the Default Mode Network in the brain and meditation's effect on these "Self-generating" areas of the brain. Literally, where the experiences of sense of self, individuality and ego seem to be centered on a physical level. Studies have sown meditation to dramatically lower activity in these areas of the brain, particularly in long-term, regular meditators.
This of course has me wondering about the role of these "inner energy" sensations brought about by spinal breathing pranayama. Thy most certainly are experienced very close to the brain, and without nerve endings it is impossible for us to directly experience anything in the physical brain.
Glimpses of Extraordinary Clarity
At any rate, mindfulness has proven quite a difficult task at times. I realize I'm looking to undo decades of habitual defaulting to living in thoughts,and that isn't going to change Ina week. But I'm surprised by the ebb and flow of my ability to stay mindful. Even when I am aware of my lack of mindfulness, I can be mired in my thoughts about my lack of mindfulness instead of being mindful at that moment of realization!
This is where the addictive nature of experiencing our world through our interpretations over direct experience becomes the most apparent. I can almost "feel" the Self/ego fighting to maintain its existence and relevancy at these moments. As if it knows "if he keeps this up, we are out of a job — quick, think of something!"
That old familiarity pleasure seeking kicks in, we go back to those cozy (and literally) Self-gratifying thoughts, those processes of classification, judgment and analysis.
I can say that since implementing the intention to practice mindfulness, I notice glimpses of extraordinary clarity during mundane tasks — the infinitesimal texture pattern on the shower curtain, the way water cascades down the rinsed griddle in my sink, the splashing of the water and the rollicking soap bubbles along with it. I was stirring up a solution of salt water last night (to prepare a brine for a new batch of sauerkraut for the new mason jar airlock lids I just got, to cultivate the healthy anaerobic lactobacilli). The sensations of the water ever so subtly resisting the spoon, the small shifts in the gravitational center of the measuring cup and my hand's seemingly instantaneous compensation of it's grip to maintain the control.
These moments of unconscious mindfulness are in no doubt a result of the attempts to do so consciously throughout the day. I often find myself laughing out loud at the tiny and unexplainable joy they release within me. They are very welcome and help fuel the implementation of mindfulness through those frustrating periods where my attention is deep in the addiction to thoughts.
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Wonderful [3]
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quote:
Originally posted by kumar ul islam
Wonderful [3]
Thank you :)
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I missed my post last week due to an increasingly hectic schedule. To be honest, last week's journal entry was a bit of working through some superficial personal issues anyways. I was hesitant to post for the sheer inanity of the content for anyone but me rather than any anxiety over the text.
I've also begun to post selections from these entries to a blog, and that adds to the time involved writing and producing these entries. I'm on the fence as to where they fit best. I know some here enjoy the wiritings, but I also realize this really isn't the format for what I am doing. Input from anyone who reads these entries is welcomed and would be appreciated. I'm glad to continue posting of people find these of value.
~YM
Yoga Recap 2015-03-01
A decent week of sits. Some quite strong energetic sensations at the sambhavi mudra location at the brow as well as in the solar plexus area. The overall unified sushumna sensations have been increasing as well, if not consistently experienced. There is definite incremental change happening, as has been all along.
I was thinking g back this week to the earliest stirrings of these energetic sensations about a year or so ago. It was quite novel and a bit alien at the time. These days, I even sometimes take them for granted. It's interesting how quickly the mind and brain can assimilate and adapt. I have a hard time even recalling not having these sensations, and the conscious control to initiate them.
I'm still not sure where all of it is leading, nor do I seem to have any minor experiences hinting towards the destination. That said, I've noticed my sits becoming more and more still. The mind is another story, it seems much more haphazard in the day to day and week to week experiences. I know I've made progress, even if that has been mostly cultivating the remembrance to be the observer of the thoughts and not always get caught up in them and identify with them.
Mindfulness practice has again been going poorly, in my estimation. I seem again this week to have more of a hindsight mindfulness — realizing how non-present I've been, how off in — and identifying with — my thoughts I've been. And then I seem to go right back into that lack of mindfulness! It's so comforting, familiar and addicting. Again, I feel the ego is somehow fighting back harder when it detects these mindfulness attempts.
Life between sits has been good this week, if not yet again extremely busy. I've been joking to myself that I had much more time when I was unmotivated and unproductive. It indeed feels great to be on this productive momentum, but I am amazed at how quickly another Sunday rolls around. It feel like the year has 52 very long days, and I just take a lot of naps.
The Dream of Reality
A discussion with a friend this week was stimulated by some reading on mastering core beliefs, and the author's research into the discoveries of the Buddha (or at least the author's interpretation of them). The author was tracing the core of fears to a mistaken belief, and the deepest fear/mistaken belief is that of the dual/differentiated nature of the world. Or put another way, the erroneous belief that the world isn't non-dual. That what is "out there" isn't us, that we are isolated, separate beings.
It's an interesting thought experiment to consider the possibility that like a vivid dream that seems so real until one awakes from it, that somehow this reality we are experiencing is somehow similar. In a dream, it's easy to forget that the people populating the dream aren't those people, they are aspects of yourself. Those people are symbolic in some way of an aspect of you that your subconscious mind employs to some end.
In a lucid dream, one realizes what is going on and can transcend some of the limitations which were only there because we assumed the rules of the waking world applied to the dream world (of which we were unaware was a dream world until lucidity occurs). Even then, it's difficult to recall that everything around you is a fabrication of the mind, and that the people around you are being conjured up by you (like breathing, without your conscious control).
So in a dream, accepting "other people" is really the acceptance of aspects of yourself. My thought experiment then was to aim to look at the world this way: what if one took a "selfish" approach to others, assumed they are just symbolic manifestations of one massive, non-dual Self, and looked to them not as competition, saviors, enemies or companions — but as fragmented and forgotten aspects of ourselves, externally reflected to us in a "dream". If we really knew we were dreaming, and that these people were "us", how would we treat them?
Forget any of this being "true", the idea here is that if it were true, how would you behave? And how often do we indeed seem to treat others as we treat ourselves — the way we truly treat ourselves, silently, with that voice of the Inner Judge and the Paranoid, Defensive Victim within?
Dissatisfaction: A Good Sign?
This earlier discussion with my friend led to him commenting how if he was indeed just a part of my dream, then I made a "hell hole" of a life for him. I countered by pointing out that he had a pretty good life is he stopped to really evaluate it. He agreed, but countered that the growing, constant dissatisfaction made it impossible to be happy.
Dissatisfaction is hard-wired. “Hunt and gather more food, then eat it”, “make more children”. We are not designed for abundance, but to anticipate scarcity. That’s why all the “Pursuit Of More Stuff” consumer mentality will never bring happiness (nor do manufacturers want for that to happen…). Or satisfaction. It’s all just a ploy that plays on our biology. It's a wise tactic in that pre-civilized world we no longer live in, but our bodies and biology still expect.
I think knowing that we are evolved to be perpetually dissatisfied is really helpful. You can just stop trying to “get past it”. You can’t. So stop focusing on “being satisfied”.
Meditation plays a key factor in this. The practice of realizing that thoughts are not in your control, but something you can learn to notice, acknowledge and release — and also stop identifying with, the same perhaps might hold true for “satisfaction”. Perhaps you can condition yourself to observe the dissatisfaction, but not let it consume you, filter your perspective or identify with it. And like thoughts, realize that they cannot be eliminated or transcended — the goal is to recognize and become familiar with the process so we can react in a more healthy and realistic manner.
I’m not saying any of this is easy, but I think that knowing you can’t “get past it” is a huge help. Much of what I have learned over the past few years that has helped me the most was learning that many of the things I used to think were “me” that are actually just “everybody”, and much of it “the way the body/brain works”, not some mental hangup or personal flaw.
I recently had an insight that “striving for happiness is pointless” — nothing remains in stasis, so trying to aim for and cling to “happiness” is foolish. It will come and go, and cycle between the happiness and unhappiness, endlessly. Until you accept that, you are going to be doomed for massive disappointment on a regular basis. But if you plan for it (Stoic style, not pessimistically), then you can just recognize it as an expected part of the process.
Not that it won’t still be an undesirable experience, but at least you’re realistically preparing for it, instead of hoping to “never be unhappy, ever again”, which I think a lot of us do.
Even if we are indeed happy, the body just acclimates to it and the Dissatisfaction Engine kicks into gear. So the subjective novelty of the experience wears off quickly even if the external circumstances don’t change. There is no stasis, so clinging to the desire for stasis in desirable emotional states is a fool's errand.
Perhaps that tells us that we aren’t actually supposed to be happy — or at least, to aim for that to the exclusion of all else. Or substitute “satisfaction" for "happiness”. If the science is correct, we literally can’t do it. So it seems that is not something it is wise to be pursuing.
Dissatisfaction just tells you all is normal! Lately, I’ve found that by keeping the body active, the mind quiets down. The less mind-focused I am, the less I think about being happy or satisfied. Sure, it creeps in. But I just try to not get lost in thoughts. I seem to only be dissatisfied when I think about whether I am or not. When the comparing mind jumps in.
It seems, then, that dissatisfaction is just a sign that all is running normally.
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Thank You so much for positing these journals. They are immensely helpful.[/\]
quote:
Dissatisfaction just tells you all is normal! Lately, I’ve found that by keeping the body active, the mind quiets down. The less mind-focused I am, the less I think about being happy or satisfied. Sure, it creeps in. But I just try to not get lost in thoughts. I seem to only be dissatisfied when I think about whether I am or not. When the comparing mind jumps in.
Have you tried to stay with the discomfort/dissatisfaction when it arise instead of engaging in activity? You will be surprised to find that the discomfort will melt into peace.
[3]
Sunyata
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quote:
Originally posted by sunyata
Thank You so much for positing these journals. They are immensely helpful.[/\]
quote:
Dissatisfaction just tells you all is normal! Lately, I’ve found that by keeping the body active, the mind quiets down. The less mind-focused I am, the less I think about being happy or satisfied. Sure, it creeps in. But I just try to not get lost in thoughts. I seem to only be dissatisfied when I think about whether I am or not. When the comparing mind jumps in.
Have you tried to stay with the discomfort/dissatisfaction when it arise instead of engaging in activity? You will be surprised to find that the discomfort will melt into peace.
[3]
Sunyata
Thank you Sunyata. Very nice to hear. I'm goi g to continue to post here for the time being.
I have indeed worked to stay with discomfort and dissatisfaction at times. It does seem to melt away. Not always into peace though :)
For me, I deal with some depression issues which brought me to meditation in the first place. I know the warning signs, and the ruminating state of mind that precedes these periods is familiar to me now. I know it's best for me to not sink into these patterns of negative thoughts and self-talk. That was what I was referring to. I think perhaps we are on the same page when it comes to benign discomfort and restlessness.
Thank you.
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Yoga Weekly Recap 2015-03-08
A decent week of sits. A bit more focused this week, although some days of rampant Monkey Mind for sure. The cultivation of inner energetic sensations continues, as the experiences intensify, refine and deepen overall. I notice stronger and more distinct sensations at sambhavi mudra and mula bandha. The solar plexus focus technique for the silent recitation of the mantra has definitely increased awareness of sensations at that area. The overall experience of the sushumna seems to be deepening.
I decided to go back and read over the spinal breathing pranayama book once again, just as a refresher. I'm still reading, but I definitely feel as if I may have been a bit slack in the focus of the visualizations due to the energetic sensations being so distinct these past few months. I also think I can work to slow the pace further.
I've been wondering lately if perhaps my intent is incorrect during the mediations, as I tend to favor the relaxation and "letting go" aspect of the effects, rather than actively engage the mind to stay on my object of focus (the silent mantra). I've been experimenting with being more attentive and actively focused. Can't say at this point if it has made any significant difference.
The brief asana routine continues to increase the onset and level of energetic sensations. Kneeling seat continues to reign supreme in this regard. I am also able to engage sambhavi mudra and mula bandha more persistently and consistently throughout most of the poses. My toe touch stretches have also surprisingly resulted in a noticeable increase in the flexibility. Odd for such a quantum jump in distance.
Life outside sits remains steady overall, if not a bit of some ups and downs. I've noticed increased impatience this week, lots of small and thankfully brief mini outbursts. At the same time, I've noticed a lot of spontaneous and unprovoked joy. Also, I find myself talking out loud to myself quite often as of late.
Mindfulness practice remains as more of "hindsight mindlessness" practice. It's quite amazing how easily,often and anxiously I return to mental chatter. Again, I almost feel as if the attempts to cultivate mindfulness are in some way provoking a defensive reaction from the mind, where it goes over the top with losing itself in thoughts to compensate for the "attack".
The Inner Squirrel
I am in the process of listening to a series of lectures on meditation and yoga. The lecturer was discussing the Bhagavad Gita (which I've not read) and how the story is about a great battle where the protagonist must fight against friends and family. The lecturer said this was an analogy to meditation, in that we must "battle" that which we cling to and hold most dear, identify with most strongly in our mental models of ourselves. Only then can we experience Samadhi.
With that analogy in my mind, I was out hiking at the National Park near me, and at one point along the trail I noticed two deer and stopped to observe them. As I did so, a squirrel hopped into my view, digging into the slowly melting snow. As the squirrel descended deeper into the drift, his head comically popped back up every second to scan the environment. I assume this was a lookout for danger. He seemed to be scanning more than he was actually foraging.
It struck me that the human mind is really no different than that of the squirrel, or at least those parts of mind and brain not related to the prefrontal cortex. We too are constantly, predominantly on the lookout for danger. Anticipating, even expecting it on an insanely recurring frequency. Constantly swapping between activity and scanning, incessantly.
It made me wonder if this "Paranoid Radar" system were indeed a deeply evolved aspect of the brain and mind, then when external circumstances changed to that of safety and abundance, the Paranoid Radar would have to keep on in its attempts to carry out its mission. Even if this became cannabalistic and the process began to find dangers and fear aspects of itself. Hence, self-doubt, negative self-talk, and the like.
It's become quite apparent to me over the past few years of focusing on self-development that the troubled mind can be traced back to an idle body. We seem conditioned for action, use and implementation. This applies to body and to mind. A free floating astronaut suffers from the lack of gravity; walking exercises not just muscle but bone. So too, the mind seems to atrophy without a healthy focus, and physical activity seems to play a role here. Not just exercise or exertion — creative and productive activity count too. I find my drawing sessions just as rejuvenating as I do cleaning my house these days.
Meditation/yoga, I've found, seems to understand this. Most of the techniques are actually physical, and seem designed to calm the body down to ease it into a relaxed state where the true concentration and meditation practices can begin.
The Inner Squirrel needs to be given something to do in order to placate the natural tendency of the body and the mind to be on the constant defense. Eventually, that calm mind reinforces the calm mind and a feedback loop is established. I'm getting better and better, if slowly. It seems my Inner Squirrel still has some paranoia issues to resolve. We will get there.
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Feed the squirrel the right nuts! Love it! [:D]
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quote:
Originally posted by Bodhi Tree
Feed the squirrel the right nuts! Love it! [:D]
Inner Squirrel HAHAHA this so speaks to my Autistic ADHD ACC brain !
(I'm going to use this now, thank you very much!) [:D][:D][:D]
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Yoga Recap 2015-03-15
A good week of sits overall. I've been noticing further refinement of the various additions to spinal breathing pranayama such as mula bandha, sambhavi mudra as well as the overall unified sensations of the sushumna/"spinal nerve". I've also been noticing an increase in sensations at the solar plexus, no doubt due to the somewhat recent addition of the "solar centering" focus of the mantra during meditation.
I've redoubled my efforts to bring back a more conscious focus to my sits. A recent lecture on yoga (meditation yoga, not fitness yoga) really hit home with the description of a Buddhist illustrated meditation path painting, showing the aspirant on a literal path and trying to bring an elephant along, as well as a monkey. Elephant was the metaphor for the body, the money the chattering mind. But when they mentioned the appearance of the rabbit, who symbolized complacency, that really struck home.
I realized I'd reached a point where I was meditating on auto-pilot to some degree, and also leaning into the relaxing state as opposed to maintaining a. Focus on the object of attention — the mantra in my case. I'm working to be more immediately present throughout the sits. Allow the body to reach a relaxed but attentive and present state. The same for the mind.
I've noticed quite a bit of impatience in between sits. This isn't unexpected, and in fact if I recall correctly, this impatience often seems to be a precursor to reaching a further milestone along this meditation path. Perhaps more like a yardstick though.
Reading more and reminding myself about what actual meditation really is, it's quite apparent I'm not even at the state of true concentration yet, let alone true meditation. At times it can seem a fruitless journey. Others seem to travel this with ease, while I feel as if I am barely treading water. Of course, there is quite a bit I overlook as far as the progress I've made. It happens so slowly that it tends to become assimilated and taken for granted at about the same rate it happens.
Still, I won't deny my occasional suspicions that this is all a waste of time. I came to this practice because of the claims of direct experience, and while I've experienced some physical sensations without question, I don't often equate those with anything besides a curious phenomenon. They do not see to relate directly to any experiences of joy, bliss, rapture, insight or awareness that are often claimed for these practices.
Of course, much is said about meditation affecting the life outside of the actual sit, and to this I believe I can attest. Of course, I quit smoking, started exercising, eating healthy, established other persistent healthy practices at around the same time I started meditating regularly, so it's tough to point to one thing as a cause. This is why an experience during a sit would be easier for my logical mind to correlate to meditation directly. Otherwise it remains indefinite as to a prime cause of these experiences.
Without a doubt, I experience far more that I can directly correlate to practices in regards to pranayama than with the meditation/concentration practices. I don't know what exactly I am experiencing as a result of the spinal breathing exercises, but there is no doubt that I am experiencing exactly what was described and that the techniques are the direct cause of them. I can't say what effect they actually have — as mentioned they appear as no more than curiosities at this stage for me. But the sensations continue to intensify, refine, deepen, widen and require less effort and conscious attention to engage and maintain.
My mindfulness practice has fallen off tremendously this week again. Not due to lack of interest, but again to a busy week and a seeming addiction to thinking. It's very similar to how one can put into practice a healthy regimen for a few months, feel better, and then have strong urges to go back to your old, immediate-gratification ways now that you are "fixed" or "better" or "healthy".
I feel as if the mindfulness practice has been the same, but on a much more concentrated time scale. Days and weeks instead of weeks and months. Getting lost in thoughts is like junk food, pornography, refined sugar and carbs, and HD 3D virtual reality all wrapped up into one. It's actually got me thinking quite a bit about how ridiculous this craving for novelty really is. Re-listening an Alan Watts lecture this week really drove this home; he mentions how the human mind and body are just wired for never being satisfied. How once we had modern dentistry, health care and central heating, we just moved on to take those for granted and found something else to be dissatisfied with. In his time, it wasn't too far removed from a time where those things weren't commonplace as they are these days, let alone in the 1960s. And far, far removed from the pioneer days or those of the Middle Ages! So much craving has been satiated, but the mind is endlessly inventive in seeking more.
We forget that we already live in this mind-boggling, fantastical environment on a giant rock spinning and floating in an endless expanse of outer space. It makes me think of myths like the story of the Garden of Eden, and how perhaps that metaphor is actually about mentally ejecting oneself from the "Garden", not a physical ejection. The incessant labeling, compartmentalizing, naming, classifying, describing mind and the inevitable assimilation of that which is constant over that which is novel eventually ejected us from the "paradise" we are living within at all times.
We just no longer perceive it as such due to the conditioning of the body and mind, and its default mode of scanning paranoiacally for that which is novel to avoid potential danger. That which doesn't kill us gets taken for granted and ignored.
This chattering mind is the serpent, the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. Good and evil. Very dualistic. Perhaps there was an inaccurate translation and it was intended to convey the idea not of the knowledge of good and evil, but that addiction to the classification process of the mind that applies a judgment of "good and evil" to "paradise". The "fruit" being not in the sense of food, but in the result of actions, as in the "fruits of your labors".
One is no longer in paradise once they become consumed by the results (fruits) of the incessant process of the judgmental ("this is good and this is evil") mind processes. The etymology of "knowledge" points to the concept of "recognize" and also "to identify" — the latter of which has a curious second meaning in this context. The identification with the preferences of the chattering mind are these metaphorical "fruits"/results.
Tempting fruits, indeed.
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Ah yes, the monkey mind. We do want to quiet it down.
What I'm not so sure about is whether the restlessness in an intrinsic quality of our conceptual thinking. My impression is that it has a lot to do with the emotional side - stress level/emotional tensions etc. Have you noticed how quiet the mind gets when we feel secure and happy, for instance a sunny day in the middle of nature, or during moments of intimacy? But when we're stressed, conceptual thinking kicks in - it is after all the tool for solving problems and reducing stress.
It is true that the mind can create stress and tension all by itself (rumination, arguing with reality etc.) once the seed of stress exists. Do we discipline the mind or deal with our emotional baggage first? A bit of a chicken and egg I think.
I personally have no doubt that meditation is paramount. When the Witness has developed, then It will decide when the situation calls for conceptual thinking and when when the conceptual mind just volunteers for a job it can't do and therefore it needs to be put back in its box.
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quote:
Originally posted by BlueRaincoat
Ah yes, the monkey mind. We do want to quiet it down.
What I'm not so sure about is whether the restlessness in an intrinsic quality of our conceptual thinking. My impression is that it has a lot to do with the emotional side - stress level/emotional tensions etc. Have you noticed how quiet the mind gets when we feel secure and happy, for instance a sunny day in the middle of nature, or during moments of intimacy? But when we're stressed, conceptual thinking kicks in - it is after all the tool for solving problems and reducing stress.
It is true that the mind can create stress and tension all by itself (rumination, arguing with reality etc.) once the seed of stress exists. Do we discipline the mind or deal with our emotional baggage first? A bit of a chicken and egg I think.
I personally have no doubt that meditation is paramount. When the Witness has developed, then It will decide when the situation calls for conceptual thinking and when when the conceptual mind just volunteers for a job it can't do and therefore it needs to be put back in its box.
I completely agree, and love your analogy of the conceptual mind as a tool in the toolbox that one can pull out as needed. Meditation just helps us learn to put the tool away when we are done using it. As the old saying goes, the person with a hammer sees everything as a nail…
One of the biggest insights I've had in this process was the realization that I can step in and redirect mental processes that lead to emotional states (which influence mental processes… and so on). I'm not sure if this is "The Witness" or not, but the disidentification with the stream of thoughts, and the direct experience of how it influences mind, body and emotions was quite powerful.
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Yoga Recap 2015-3-22:
Meditation: Energetic Sensations & Enhanced Mantra
Another week of good sits. At times quite deep, still and with strong energetic sensations. I've been experimenting with the first AYP mantra enhancement to see how it works out. Have to say, as when I switched to the mantra as an object of focus (over the breathe which I was using formerly), the enhanced mantra too seems to have noticeable effects.
The first difference in experience was one of the first days with the enhanced mantra. I found my mind was focused solely on the mantra word-thoughts, but there was also this "piggybacking" stream of thoughts that was arising parallel to the thought stream of the mantra. The content was very surreal and disparate. I almost felt as if I had tapped into the subconscious mind, as the content of these thoughts had the feel of dream imagery with the bizarre connections, scenarios and disjointed shifts.
Many energetic, deep and still sits all week. Some with some profound moments of focus and really being present in the senses, quickly returning from any intrusions from mind-wandering. The energetic sensations continue to intensify, particularly at the brow/sambhavi mudra. The "solar centering" practice too seems to be increasing the sensations at the solar plexus area a bit more every day. I've also had strong sensations in the heart/cheats area spontaneously, and at time they can an be quite acute. Not painful, but a bit like they are on the verge of becoming too intense.
The unification of the sushumna/spinal nerve sensations continues to grow. All of these inner physical sensations also enhance my physical stillness throughout the sits. I reach profound levels of body stillness quite quickly and easily now, and have for a few months at least. There's no denying that "something" is going on with the spinal breathing practices, even if I can't yet say exactly what that is.
I've also noticed a lot of irritability, short-tempered attitude and general crankiness as of late. Some minor depressed moods continue to ebb and flow through out my days. I've decided to increase my intake of food throughout the day. I've always been one to eat two big meals, and I suspect I may be dealing with some low energy and the resulting fatigue, crankiness and such from the lack of healthy calories. Will see how it goes this week, just stocked up on more veggies, fruits and cheese along with my usual grocery purchases for the week.
Mindfulness: Brain Push-ups
Mindfulness remains an elusive habit. I get a few moments in here and there, but more often than not its about realizing how un-mindful I've been for the past hour or so, rather than an extended stay in mindful awareness.
I also had the thought that mindfulness is poorly named. Shouldn't it be "body-fulness" or "sense-fulness"? Being "in the body" or fully engaging your senses is the goal here. I feel like the word "mind" being in the name of the practice puts my emphasis on the mind as opposed to where it needs to be — the body, the senses and in the activity I am performing.
The interesting articles I recently read over at the Mindfulness MD blog helped me wrap my head around this practice a bit more, seeing mindfulness not as an end in itself, but as a sort of an exercise for the brain. As I've mentioned before, the goal of mindfulness isn't to find anything amazing in the present moment, but rather to return to the state where your attention is focused on the body, the senses and the present moment. This engages what brain researchers call the Task Positive Network. This is a state where certain areas of the brain are activated, and they are the Yin to the Default Mode Network's Yang state.
The arising of the dominance of one collection of brain structures results in the quieting of the other. Therefore, the practice of mindfulness is a way to consciously engage these brain structures that are activated in the Task Positive Network dominant state.
The Default Mode Network is more of a ruminative mental-focused state, while the Task Positive Network a more active, physical-focused state. Mindfulness, however, seems to be a "hack" that allows us to engage this physical-focused state without a physical activity that takes over conscious awareness — which is why all those mundane, frequent activities long relegated to autonomic functioning are the exact activities we want to try and cultivate mindful awareness during. By doing so, we can condition the body and the brain to engage this "flow" state on a more frequent and regular basis.
In short, just as meditation advice always says to look for results in between the sits, not during them, mindfulness is not about the experience of putting mindful awareness into practice, but rather the cumulative effects of doing so.
I think for us left-brained types, it's easy to get frustrated with mindfulness when you practice it for a week with little noticeable results or effects. But understanding that this is a conditioning process is very helpful for me. In a sense, it's like the early realization one gets about regular exercise — building muscle takes time! You cannot work out for a few weeks and expect encouraging results. You're going to need persistence over months to get to that point.
Mindfulness seems to be "push-ups for the brain", and in particular for the Task Positive Network structures of the brain. Just as one push-up, one set, one workout isn't going to have any noticeable effects, one has to stop looking to each implementation of mindful awareness for results or confirmation of effectiveness or success.
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Yoga Recap 2015-03-29
A mixed bag of sits this week. Overall good. Often quite distinct and strong energetic sensations at the brow and the solar plexus. My body stillness is quite refined these days, once I settle into the sit I tend to have very little fidgeting or distraction on that aspect.
The mind and the thought stream is another story, as usual. I've had some deep and focused sits, but also sits rampant with thought.
I've also had some recurrence of the "is this all a waste of time?" thoughts about the practice in general. I've been maintaining my mental state against some low moods that have been lurking as of the past couple weeks. The depression and ensuing negativity and lack of worthiness of the future of course affect the meditation practice.
I've felt quite busy and without time these days, and meditation comprises a good portion of my day. Often I just wish I had experiences more specific and tangible pointing to benefits accrued or mileposts reached.
I've been working again lately to establish my ability to lucid dream, and there's a parallel here. Before I ever had my first lucid dream, there was quite a bit of scientific arguments for and against the validity/reality of the experience. When I had my first lucid dream, I no longer needed to believe their existence was valid. It's now just a matter of finding the right technique that assists me in making them happen more often and eventually at will.
With meditation, I am still in that stage where my experience hasn't been distinct, specific or dramatic enough to point to meditation as the definite factor in any positive changes in my experience of life. It has no doubt helped to shift my awareness and learn to observe my mind and stream of thoughts in a different manner and from a different perspective. But as far as a specific and particular shift to — or experience of — a novel way of living/being/thinking, I can't really say that has happened yet.
Some of the experiences of others I've read about sound quite appealing and interesting. I feel, as I've mentioned many times before, that while I've experience some specific and described experiences, they don't really have any noticeable impact on my life outside the "well, that's kind of interesting" aspect. The energetic sensations in particular are the experiences I can point most specifically to, and they do t really offer much outside the "curious phenomena" label.
If someone were interested in lucid dreaming, I could and would tell them that it's definitely a real and enjoyable experience. I'd encourage them to make the effort to have the experience. With meditation, I don't really feel I've reached that same "cheerleader"/apostle level of experience.
At least for some of the claims made by others, the level of the experience for me hasn't been anything profound. Of course, lucid dreaming is all-or-nothing — you reach that state or you don't. The techniques aren't like a recipe, and might take a while to work if they do. I'm sure the same holds true here. It's just frustrating with a very focused, dedicated and persistent practice to feel like I've been stagnating at a "mildly interesting physical sensation" level for some time.
Of course, when I first got started I was clamorous for the mildly interesting physical sensations. I guess I was expecting them to have more to offer, or to be the physical counterparts of a more experiential whole.
My mindfulness practice again has been struggling. I find myself remembering to be mindful less and less. But at small moments here and there throughout the day. Perhaps I just went a bit overboard with the initial burst of enthusiasm, and once the reality of practicing mindfulness alongside an active life settled in, I started comparing that initial sole focus on mindfulness to my current peppering of it throughout the day.
Still, I feel like I could be doing much more of it and I definitely notice myself escaping into thoughts — even when I know I am doing it and want to be more mindful. The addictive, seductive experience of being lost in thoughts is fascinating and powerful. No doubt much hinges on the decades-long familiarity with that mode of existing, and the comfort that comes from that. The familiar can be very comforting even if it isn't healthy.
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I enjoy your weekly recaps Yogaman. I think I also saw you post in another thread where you talked about a relative lack of the visionary experiences. Around the same time I was listening to a passage from Autobiography of A Yogi, and while I don't recall the exact words, it had to do with just how blessed are those who can have faith without proof. Seems to me you have certainly had that.
However, since you mention lucid dreaming, thought I would chime in with a mention that I was recently able to combine a bit of yoga and lucid dreaming by doing pranayama in a lucid dream. The result was quite visionary and I would think that if you can remember to try pranayama or meditation in your next lucid dream (I know, easier said than done, first you have to have the lucid dream, then remember to try pranayama or meditation), you will definitely get something interesting to hang you hat on as a kind of beacon to what the daily sits can become.
It is said that a practice done in the dream state can be 9 times more powerful than in the waking state, so maybe over time you can leverage a bit of the dream state this way.
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quote:
My mindfulness practice again has been struggling. I find myself remembering to be mindful less and less. But at small moments here and there throughout the day. Perhaps I just went a bit overboard with the initial burst of enthusiasm, and once the reality of practicing mindfulness alongside an active life settled in, I started comparing that initial sole focus on mindfulness to my current peppering of it throughout the day.
Hail Yogaman! 'Mindfulness' and 'Struggling' should not be in the same sentence. Like your lucid dreaming experience, when you are mindful, life is active; when you are not mindful and lost on a thought train, it's passive. It's okay to be either/or in any given moment, and "struggling" is really just wasting gas.
As for your meditation struggles, we've had this discussion before, so I guess the only new advice I have would be to take Expectation right off the table and just DO for the scientist of your soul, and selfishly for me, a fan of your weekly recap! You are a very logical, methodical, complex being, sharp and well expressed, and the Doing is going to take you Somewhere Unexpected, I am confident of That. [:D]
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hi yogaman I have not to be honest read all your posts I dip in every now and then ,your last post is like my own not the dreaming bit but the all the rest ,asking the same questions I feeling the sme way ,the trouble is the practice is so simple we are drawn back for more,more of what ?a gentle wearing away of the veneer that covers our existence it's so slow almost not noticeable but all the same its happening like mountain being worn by wind and rain this process uncovers only anther layer but when it's uncovered you've forgotten what the last layer looked like I suppose it's revelation on a small scale a bit like the theory of relativity but less encompassing and more beatiful the teaching is in every moment I suppose but at times the moment eludes us and we left with a doubt this doubt though is worn thin also with time and time is eternal .love peace to you and thankyou.[3]
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quote:
Originally posted by technoyogi
I enjoy your weekly recaps Yogaman. I think I also saw you post in another thread where you talked about a relative lack of the visionary experiences. Around the same time I was listening to a passage from Autobiography of A Yogi, and while I don't recall the exact words, it had to do with just how blessed are those who can have faith without proof. Seems to me you have certainly had that.
However, since you mention lucid dreaming, thought I would chime in with a mention that I was recently able to combine a bit of yoga and lucid dreaming by doing pranayama in a lucid dream. The result was quite visionary and I would think that if you can remember to try pranayama or meditation in your next lucid dream (I know, easier said than done, first you have to have the lucid dream, then remember to try pranayama or meditation), you will definitely get something interesting to hang you hat on as a kind of beacon to what the daily sits can become.
It is said that a practice done in the dream state can be 9 times more powerful than in the waking state, so maybe over time you can leverage a bit of the dream state this way.
Thanks for the comments. Lucid dreams are a very rare occurrence for me at present, so I'm not counting on being able to do yoga in a lucid dream to keep my motivation :)
I don't really have faith, and indeed I am looking for proof via direct experience. No need for faith then :)
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quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
quote:
My mindfulness practice again has been struggling. I find myself remembering to be mindful less and less. But at small moments here and there throughout the day. Perhaps I just went a bit overboard with the initial burst of enthusiasm, and once the reality of practicing mindfulness alongside an active life settled in, I started comparing that initial sole focus on mindfulness to my current peppering of it throughout the day.
Hail Yogaman! 'Mindfulness' and 'Struggling' should not be in the same sentence. Like your lucid dreaming experience, when you are mindful, life is active; when you are not mindful and lost on a thought train, it's passive. It's okay to be either/or in any given moment, and "struggling" is really just wasting gas.
As for your meditation struggles, we've had this discussion before, so I guess the only new advice I have would be to take Expectation right off the table and just DO for the scientist of your soul, and selfishly for me, a fan of your weekly recap! You are a very logical, methodical, complex being, sharp and well expressed, and the Doing is going to take you Somewhere Unexpected, I am confident of That. [:D]
Thanks DB. I've just been going through a week or two of disillusionment with yoga and meditation. I'm sticking with my practice for the time being. It's just a bit frustrating to feel as if things have stagnated, and any experiences I have seem meager.
Although I will say that without an expectation, I've little motivation to practice. I'd just be left spending a good portion of my day doing some weird techniques of breathing funny, swinging my forehead and poking my fingers in my eyes! :)
I kid, but without results from the efforts they can start to seem a bit ridiculous to maintain if one isn't perceiving any benefits, even potential ones.
Just venting a bit here. Like I said, going through a bit of disillusionment the past week or so and my motivation levels have been quite low as of late. I was hopping around the forums earlier and it didn't help much. I need some super-under-sensitive meditator techniques it seems.
Thanks for your thoughts.
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One thing to remember about mindfulness is that it's just a matter of what you're paying attention to. I've spent some time with earnest "mindfulness" advocates, and they all seem to be fixated on either breathing, or whatever particular physical activity they're doing at the moment. But the problem is, sometimes we need to be mindful of other realities besides the immediate physicality of outer circumstances.
If I have a thought-stream or surge of emotion that needs to come to the surface, that may need my attention more than whatever is front of me. Not that I should shut out the immediacy of the moment, but having a flexibility and range of motion (within awareness) is pretty important.
The mind thrives on its ability to connect dots, and that includes drawing from the reservoir of memory, as well as vision of the future. I just laugh silently when I hear people talk about "The Now" as if it excludes past and future. It's doesn't. The Now is the omnipresent, infinite scope upon which time and space unfold. Therefore, if you really want to embrace The Now with any kind of depth, purpose, and meaning, that kind of mindfulness will include consideration of long-term trajectories.
Anyway, the whole reason I fell in love with AYP rather quickly is because it was distinctly different from much of the passive spirituality I had come across before. For instance, spinal breathing pranayama (tracing the nerve up and down the central channel) is much more engaging than simply trying to hold onto a vague notion of staying "mindful" of my breath.
In AYP, there is more empowerment, precision, color and texture. It's a more wholesome ride, with plenty of attention given to both the ecstatic feminine side and the ability to cultivate miracles (samyama). On this note, the only true test of practices is how they are spilling over into the day, and for me, that gets validated over and over again as I continue to encounter new surprises, new melodies, and new company.
Keep your eyes on the prize, Yogaman. Don't be afraid to get creative and go beyond the baseline. There are many ways to find satisfaction.
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Thanks BT. Perhaps you can suggest more specific examples of what you suggest? Not sure what you mean by "get creative and go beyond the baseline".
Perhaps my frustration with meditation and yoga as of late is a persistent resurgence of depression, and the resulting lack of focus, hope, motivation and desire. Your mention of how the daily life goes on between sits can be answered for me at present as: not so great.
I'm not asking for the "unending divine bliss" spoken of by Yogani (and seemingly available to everyone on these forums), but even just some temporary, mundane bliss :)
Thanks for your thoughts.
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For me, I have a couple go-to options beyond the daily practice routine. #1 is going to work, which I enjoy. I work in communications at a medical non-profit and talk to nurses all day, so I try to infuse each call with divine love (but not in an obnoxious, gushy way...just very subtle, like samyama). Sometimes their voices sound like musical instruments, and my receptivity allows me to bask in their compassion. Also, at work, in between phone calls, I post on the AYP forum and have been doing lots of writing for my recovery website. And...I watch movies in short spurts and read books during downtime. [;)]
#2 is playing guitar, singing and writing songs. Without fail, I play everyday, just as sure as I meditate everyday (self-pacing applied). This is a slow but steady learning process that rewards me with an ever-deepening appreciation of the phenomenon of sound, as well as the opportunity to play with others. For instance, yesterday I played with my buddy James in my grandparents' backyard, and we had a blast.
#3 is dragging myself to AA meetings to pontificate to the miserable lot of people mis-identifying as alcoholics. LMAO. Kidding, kidding. I've learned how to tailor and temper my speech to fit the mold. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. And actually, that's exactly why I am building my own website and meeting group, so I don't have to worry about changing what can't be changed.
#4 is vigorous exercise and physical activity. Running, swimming, dancing, tennis, basketball, spontaneous free movement, and so on. Today I threw the frisbee by the river with my brother. Stillness in action!
Friends and family are always intertwined in the above mixture. And I'm leaving plenty of stuff out (attending AYP retreats, musical concerts, art museums, exploring Mother Nature, random acts of creativity and kindness...you get the gist).
The whole point is that you have to fill in the blanks. Don't live to practice; practice to live. Practice is for enhancing daily life. Very simple. What are your talents? How can you get involved in the community? What are you passionate about? This is the kind of self-inquiry you must engage in. Tragically, there's a bunch of teachers who think the crux of self-inquiry is simply a matter of negation and transcending the ego. I don't buy that. Self-inquiry is like unlocking a treasure chest and letting the golden dragon come out to play. You dig?
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BT: thanks for the clarification. We share a lot of interests :) I maintain a daily guitar play/practice, and as a visual artist I also have been maintaining a daily "create" practice. I too get exercise/physical activity in — every day if possible. Walking/hiking and biking, as well as bodyweight workout. Even during these damn cold winter days we just slogged through :)
I've also been getting into the concepts of sustainability, learning more about growing my own food and composting the scraps — I started a worm composting bin a couple months ago! Also digging into fermentation and other direct experience activities to learn more about not just food, health and nutrition, but of the cycles and interdependence of life in this planet.
As well, I now write daily and aim to post one essay a week on my personal blog. I'm also working on some long-form essays with an eye to writing a book.
And working in extending one of my art merchandise products into a business with my brother.
I think these things relate to what you are saying. I'm not just meditating all day and ignoring my life in other aspects. And I don't doubt that meditation plays a role in some of these habits/hobbies/interests. Although the seeds of most of the, were planted before meditation was in the picture. I can actually thank my depression for much of this stuff!
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Yoga Recap 2015-04-05
Interesting week after my decision to narrow down my daily meditation routines in light of some growing discontent and disillusionment with the whole process. Almost immediately my sits were more calm, focused and the inner energetic sensations were intensified. My sits consist these days of spinal breathing pranayama and meditation. I do some basic asanas before evening sits. Spinal breathing includes sambhavi mudra and mula bandha, along with khumbaka on exhale. Meditation includes solar centering.
My decision to pare down my routine was inspired by the thought that perhaps by spending quite a bit of time on the sits and the practice, I was also increasing my expectation levels. I've also chosen to do very brief sits if the day is rushed. I used to be very diligent about my 30 minutes for each sit, but perhaps I was subconsciously seeing this as a "sacrifice" that I should be "rewarded" for.
My daily life has improved as well, the recent bout of mild depression seems to be on its way out, mostly gone. Without a doubt depressive episodes add to these disillusioned thoughts,and not just with meditation. It pervades one's life. The depression brought me to meditation initially, and seems to help. I think I get frustrated when the depressive episodes strike, it sometimes makes me feel like my efforts were/are in vain.
That said, the episodes are far more mild and I've amassed the skills, techniques and methods to keep it at bat longer, and reduce the intensity and duration when it inevitably does arise. I've come to accept that depression isn't ever going away. Part of my life is just maintaining habits that help minimize the experience when it does rear up, and also make that less likely to happen.
I can't say my sits are any more rewarding than as of late, but I feel a bit more relaxed when I do sit, with less expectations and being less outcome-dependent on them. This does seem to have improved my experiences during and after the sits.
Still, as a "left-brained Buddha", I won't deny my desire for more tangible effects. I know these are considered "scenery" and little more than distractions, but for us analytical types, this stuff is like and experiment and with nothing to track progress, it can seem a lot like placebo, wishful-thinking and perhaps even self-hypnosis/delusion.
Still, there are too many reports from credible folks out there for me to go that route with my thinking. I still return to my lucid dreaming analogy — another purely subjective experience with little in the way of specific techniques that are guaranteed to work, easy to dismiss, but incontrovertible once one has achieved the state.
I guess I just find it hard to believe that so many people online are having these experiences from meditation/yoga techniques, when not a single person I know in my real life has had anything close to these kinds of experiences. In fact, most gave up due to "nothing happening". It makes me suspicious. But then again, the forums and message boards might just attract those with a more natural tendency towards these experiences, and less so for those like me who seem to not experience much. At least not in comparison to the claims of those experiencing a lot of "scenery" (which seems to be the majority of people in these communities).
At any rate, this is why I journal and share these thoughts. I know there are great numbers of others like myself: interested in self-development, self-exploration, open-minded to these non-mainstream concepts and techniques, healthily skeptical, averse to New Age bandwagon mentality when it comes to meditation, and a focus on direct experience. Instead of wondering, I chose to dig in and find out for myself, first-hand. I can only share my honest reactions to these experiences, even if they conflict with the "party line" of the rest.
Most of the like-minded people I know who have an interest in, and some experience with, meditation all have abandoned it from "not much happening". I'm just too stubborn not to see this through. But it's a struggle when the fellow travelers on this path all seem to be riding in air-conditioned, GPS-equipped chariots with grand, scenic views and luxurious rest stops, while I trudge along in my covered wagon, earning every mile, hazily heading in what I think is the right direction through the obscuring dust storms that seem to never subside.
Hyaw!
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chinmayo
Finland
65 Posts
Posted - Apr 07 2015 : 05:27:40 AM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Heya!
Just stopping by and nice to see you're still at it. I admire you for your persistence!
Here the exoteric life has taken over about a year ago and the sitting routine hasn't come back even after a couple of attempts. Not sure if it even is possible to forcibly start sitting again, as it could be so that the sitting welcomes the sitter - if it does - as was the case with me when starting AYP over two years ago. In any case, the progress made in the solitary sitting seems to want to be integrated into the daily life somehow, as if the captain has been awakened to make an adjustment. There is contentment, but a slight yearn of the bliss of the complete no-mind of the sitting sometimes.
Since you have a good routine going on, I would encourage you to keep at it as good habits are hard to form but too easy to forget.
Peace,
Q
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kumar ul islam
United Kingdom
661 Posts
Posted - Apr 07 2015 : 3:58:18 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
hi yogaman before you jump out of your wagon and set up camp and start your fire and put your coffe on and put your feet up ,please listen to a fantastic narration of the bhagavad gita ,it is read by deepak chopra and is called healing sounds and sacred verses its on itunes ,it may just change everything worth a punt .peace and love
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts
Posted - Apr 12 2015 : 12:21:58 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Many thanks for the replies, and the insight from the various perspectives. Quite an interesting contrast of perspectives it seems. As I've mentioned, I, not planning to give up my practices but I do encounter these periods of disillusionment from time to time and was hoping for those who dealthnwoth the same to perhaps shed some light on ways to persist positively.
At any rate, I really appreciate the feedback. It helps :)
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts
Posted - Apr 12 2015 : 12:42:56 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Yoga Recap 2015-04-12 - Hitting The Enthusiasm Wall
A week of decent sits. Overall very energetic and still. Good focus and the new enhanced mantra is becoming less clunky every day. Energetic sensations at the brow remain strong and obvious and continue to refine. Mula bandha also seems refined, and has begun to engage the musculature a bit higher up in the pelvis. Along with my decision to scale back my practice and technique repertoire, I've also been relaxing a bit more in the application of these mudras and bandhas. This seems to be improving their expression. The entire sambhavi mudra/mula bandha "system" seems more unified as a result. The sensations actually seem strong with the reduced physical effort.
Also this week I've experienced some strong focus on a few meditations sits, again seeming to be the result of decreased strain/urgency on my part to do everything correctly, perfectly, and so on. I've even allowed time lengths of sits to suit my mood at the time. Often, as has been the case in the past, the shorter sits can often be the more profound sits. This observation a while ago contributed to the choice to scale back the routine and the time.
Outside of sits I've had a few periods of strong "spinal nerve" or sushumna sensations while driving or on the couch or bed reading. Always kicks in once the body get to a relaxed state. Can be quite strong at times. Typically includes strong sensations at the brow.
Depression, the coinciding rumination, and the doubts and over-analysis have been receding over the past week. Much welcomed. I wouldn't say anything is resolved in my thinking, but I'm no longer ruminating on the lack of resolution and that's a worthy runner-up achievement for the time. I'm pretty much back to my default questioning mental state ? for better or worse!
Scaling back on the practice ? both in the attention I give to it and the actual amount to techniques and time spent ? both seem to have been a wise move. As Stephen Pressfield points out in "The War Of Art", Resistance (his personified word/name for the procrastination and perfectionism within us) will capitalize on our enthusiasm to derail us from our goals. I'm susceptible to this in my artistic pursuits without question, so I've no doubt it can seep into other areas of my life the same way.
I suspect this happened a bit more slowly with meditation/yoga, where it usually reveals itself much more quickly with art ? days and weeks, compared to the weeks and months in yoga. No doubt the fact that I've mastered technical skills to a larger extent in the art arena than in the yoga practices. And I've got a lifetime of artistic ability behind me versus just a couple years of meditation.
But I know I am often hitting that "Enthusiasm Wall" in my pursuit of interests, and have been on the watch for when that starts to happen.
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts
Posted - Apr 12 2015 : 2:55:12 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts
Posted - Apr 19 2015 : 12:22:30 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Yoga Recap 2015-04-19: Right-Brain Expatriate
A good week of sits overall. Reducing the time and techniques seems to have been an improvement. I think I was correct in my assumption that the extensive amount of time and effort I'd been putting in wasn't "paying off". Interestingly, the reduced effort seems to have relaxed the entire process into a new, more refined level of the core techniques that remain.
Both mula bandha and sambhavi mudra have concurrently started requiring less effort, and also have increased in their intensity. Mula bandha has continued to engage in the higher abdominal/pelvic musculature, and sambhavi mudra engages deeper within the skull and brow, closer to the nasal cavity it seems. Both continue to unify in the sensation of the sushumna/"spinal nerve".
Additionally, the solar centering technique of focusing the mantra on the solar plexus area is also becoming a bit more natural. I still do not feel as if my awareness is centered there, but I can definitely feel the sensations at that area of the torso and associate the internal expression of the mantra to that location.
Sambhavi mudra and to a lesser degree mula bandha both engage naturally when I find the groove in the meditation sits.
Focus has been quite good this week. Stillness continues to be easy to reach and maintain. Mind-wandering is persistent but the mind is a bit more calm this week.
The mind and life outside of sits remains positive overall, punctuated by some periods of depressed moods and some trying times due to over identification with my art business, which has been going through some unusually slow periods.
Mindfulness practice tapered off dramatically. I find myself rarely even in "hindsight mindfulness" these days, usually off into thought and back to the task at hand when I realize I've been drifting off. I have moments but overall I find myself less vigilant about being in the present moment. The financial struggles as of late make the uncertain future much more salient than some "now" moment to savor.
Sure, I have no problems "in the Now", but they are on the horizon and even if time is an illusion, it's a damn convincing one and has some realities one must plan for. In these situations I find it difficult to enjoy the Now when I know the tomorrows to come have their demands that need to be met, and to do so requires planning and doing ahead of time.
I dug deeper into some articles and books on the right-brain/left-brain personality types and characteristics. I'm convinced that my struggles with the experiences many others seem to achieve with less effort in meditation arise from being a heavily left-brained person. The constant chatter, over-analysis and verbal-/language-heavy experience of my brain's bias seems to play a big factor.
I read the book "My Stroke Of Insight", a memoir of a brain scientist who had a stroke which disabled the left side of her brain for a period of time. She described her experiences as a fellow heavily left-brained person experiencing the world free from that new perspective free from the ongoing analysis, judgement, partitioning and criticism. Her descriptions sound quite a bit like what is described by meditators.
The book itself didn't get any deeper into the details behind this, which is what I was hoping for. It was more a description of the stroke and her recovery, which I was less interested in. But it did confirm my suspicions that meditation is a process to quiet these verbal and logical areas of the brain, allowing the experiential areas of the brain to have a bit more dominance.
Meditation, particularly mantra meditation, might be effective for us language-heavy over-thinkers, as the repetition of the mantra engages the verbal areas, but strips the activity of meaning and corrals the process into a loop, as opposed to that meandering rumination so familiar to left-brainers.
The experience of this right-brain state on a spontaneous level reinforces the idea that the experience comes not only from within, but is deeply tied to the biology and the processes of that biology.
I think having this framework of a vague explanation about what is going on is very helpful for us left-brain types who are always analyzing every last detail of an experience. In a way, research this stuff and having this conceptual framework is itself a meditation/concentration practice, "quieting the mind" from another angle.
I feel there is a gap in meditation practices/techniques/explanations for us left-brained "hardgainers". Overly analytical types need to quiet that part of the mind that wants answers and explanations. The mantra seems to be one key to this, engaging that verbal/language aspect of the brain that left-brained types are so immersed in. This might explain why switching from the breath focus to the mantra had such obvious effects for me. And why extending the mantra increases the effects ? it's like riding no-handed on a bike once you've mastered the basics. It requires a bit more refinement and extended focus of the same activity, further taking one away from the dip back into incessant mental verbiage and runaway rumination and inner dialogue.
At any rate, the experience of these blissful states by a left-brained stroke survivor gave me some hope in the availability of this experience. We all have that right-brain experience available, but us heavily left-brained types are just expatriates with a longer journey back home.
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts
Posted - Apr 19 2015 : 12:43:59 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Your journey back might be a little longer, but it's an interesting one!
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Yogaman
USA
295 Posts
Posted - Apr 26 2015 : 12:38:18 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Yoga Recap 2015-04-26: Downsides To Intelligence
Another week of overall good sits. Some very deep physical stillness, and strong, focused energetic sensations. Mula bandha again further refined and requiring less effort. Sambhavi mudra becoming more pronounced and sensations increasing in the strength of the muscular engagement. At least I assume this all has a muscular component to it.
Focus during sits has been decent. Some very good focus but also some distracted sits. As usual. Often my sits are intended to be of shorter duration, but I end up enjoying the physical sensations on a relaxation level and they end up going longer. Particularly spinal breathing pranayama.
I've sensed quite an increase in spontaneous kechari mudra, more so than usual. Also quite a bit of other automatic yoga actions, mostly in the head and neck. Neither has made a noticeable impact on the mental or sense-based experiences during the sit. They remain for now a physical curiosity/artifact of the process.
Mindfulness practice has drifted off even further. I still try and maintain when I am aware I am deep into thoughts, but I find myself more often deep in thoughts and mental chatter than in the body and senses. From the discussions I've had online, it seems for some this is a very simple process. People seemed amused that I find it a challenging exercise. I'm either misguided about what the practice is, or they should be more thankful that it comes naturally for them. For me, it's a struggle to not constantly be in the endless mental stream of verbal analysis, constantly chopping up experience into words.
Life between sits remains overall positive. Mood had been improving somewhat, although seasonal allergies seem to be flaring up. I've noticed a very direct correlation between allergic bouts and depression, with even noticing a while ago that allergy medication was alleviating my depression symptoms.
I've been reading the book "The Mood Cure", which discusses the importance of ingesting amino acids (the building blocks of proteins), and how low levels can affect mood due to the core role the amino acids play in the synthesis of neurotransmitters (serotonin), endorphins, dopamine and other chemicals in our bodies that regulate mood, motivation and soothe pain and stress. I've ordered the suggested supplements for the low mood and motivation, as those appear to be my primary struggle areas.
The allergy medication and release depression symptoms really surprised me, and has made me curious about a biochemical basis for these moods and non-ideal mental states. I'm aware enough of my mind and body these days that I think I can actually percoece and noticeable effects from the supplements.
The past two weeks I notice how my mood and motivation both seem to vary dramatically, even within a day or an hour. Even before I sat down to write this entry, I was coming off of a day or so of mostly-positive mental states, and even woke with one. But as the morning progressed, the mood worsened. As if I had "used up" whatever was keeping me buoyant.
I also wondered, in light of earlier explorations as to the role the heavy leaning on the verbal and language centers of the brain play in us logical thinkers, if my daily practice of writing out goals as well as doing journal entries was perhaps somehow priming these language centers upon waking? I'm wondering if doing this writing at the end of the day might be more beneficial to us left-brained types?
The verbal centers in my brain seem like an anxious puppy, and detecting the waking body they leap to my awareness to play, as if they've been sitting there alert all night just waiting for me to be conscious again. It's tiresome.
I've been reading some articles around the idea of natural aptitude for verbal/logical intelligence ("book smarts") being a hindrance rather than a help. In other words, the idea that "being smart" isn't actually much of a benefit in the long run.
It definitely ties into the concepts of the Fixed Mindset vs the Growth Mindset. But it reaches deeper than that. We live in a society that rewards logical intelligence in school, but for those of us for whom it came easily, we end up thinking that somehow we should be "rewarded" for these abilities. And the logic seems sound: if they are conditioning us to learn these skills, and we already have mastered them, then shouldn't we recap whatever rewards are a result of this schooling process? The truth is, once the grades are no longer handed out, the smart kids are lost.
In fact, school does smart kids a massive disservice. It doesn't teach them how to handle their skills in a productive way in the society we live in. We are raised to feel unique, special and gifted, but out in the real world there is no benefit for this if you can't put it into practical use. Thus, there are a lot of intelligent people who go on to lead quite mundane lives, never clear how exactly to put their intelligence to any productive use.
I watched Linklater's "Boyhood" over the weekend, and there is a scene where the main character, a budding artist, is challenged by his high school photography teacher for the kid's lack of effort. "Anybody can take a photo, but it takes discipline to create art", the teacher says. This is where the intelligent types struggle. School is designed for those for whom the subjects and processes do not come easy. Intelligent kids manage this with ease. In the process, they are not taught to work hard, to encounter failure, to persist. Things come easy, they are rewarded with good grades.
We just assume this pattern will repeat once school ends. But it doesn't. And there are enough smart people out there that like any other talent, yours isn't as unique as it was back in the small pond. But you were never prepared to struggle in the larger pond. You do not have the tools. Those skills were all taught to those for whom this stuff didn't come easily.
Once again, a bike analogy comes in handy here. It struck me that for those who have some natural talent for a thing (art, match, sports, writing, etc), they get massive attention for being able to do so at an early age. Much the same as it is for the kids who could ride a bike the earliest. But once you can ride a bike, nobody has any ongoing amazement about your bike-riding skills. And not too long after you've developed those skills, the other kids who wanted to learn have caught up with you and soon it's just what all kids do.
But somehow, in matters of intelligence, the smart kids are still aching for that attention of being able to do it better and before anyone else. And while they are coasting, as other s are working hard to work up to expected levels ? and gaining all this incidental effort and persistence training at the same time ? the smart person is actually atrophying the entire time, as they never learned to push themselves, and still long for that concentrated attention back when there were no challengers.
A dangerous and damaging false sense of security that can psychologically cripple one once they are no longer in that environment of false constraints.
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Dogboy
USA
1547 Posts
Posted - May 11 2015 : 06:03:18 AM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
where for art thou, Yogaman
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1462 Posts
Posted - May 15 2015 : 04:45:50 AM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Where for art thou, Yogaman? And where for art thou, Dogboy? We've not heard from you lately either.
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Dogboy
USA
1547 Posts
Posted - May 15 2015 : 06:28:51 AM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
just living the dream!
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1462 Posts
Posted - May 15 2015 : 06:57:41 AM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Ah,there you are! Just went a little quiet. Live/dream on my brother
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Dogboy
USA
1547 Posts
Posted - Jun 08 2015 : 4:05:33 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Fear not, fellow AYPers, Yogaman has not left the building. I have been in touch with him recently and he is well, and still a "yoga man". He is merely taking a sabbatical from journaling his process.
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BillinL.A.
USA
375 Posts
Posted - Jun 08 2015 : 5:02:42 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Good news!
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Ecdyonurus
Switzerland
479 Posts
Posted - Jun 08 2015 : 5:13:22 PM Show Profile Email Poster Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
Great - already missing his reporting.
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts
Posted - Jun 08 2015 : 5:36:37 PM Show Profile Email Poster Visit Bodhi Tree's Homepage Edit Reply Reply with Quote View user's IP address Get a Link to this Reply Delete Reply
quote:
Originally posted by Dogboy
just living the dream!
(I just want to re-post that because it looks radical in a simple way. )